Time does heal all wounds, even an old "vet" like me (interesting story enclosed)

[CaliGuy]

Truth be told told CG immitable is right about what her Mom thinks..

Her Mom loves you and thinks you are/were right for her daughter... but she also isn't going to interfere and put you guys together.

She is being genuine to you and her daughter

Her Mom is also smart enough to know the things you mentioned about the broken wheel.. and that you can't fix the things outside of your control.

 

I might agree with this to some degree but both the ex and her mom are VERY private people. If they are trying to fix a broken wheel I've have no clue. They don't like being asked personal questions.

 

Good to see that you spent part of the holiday with people that love you and are really a part of your family

 

Yes and I love her family as well. They are good, honest and hard working people. It was good to have a place to spend Christmas and not have any havoc going on!

 

As far as any future with her... who knows what the future holds.. none of us do, and that doesn't mean you won't find the love of your life in NOVA either..

 

Take care.. Happy New Year...

 

Agreed. NOVA might just be it, I don't know, haha.

 

Happy New Year to you, old friend -- and I hope life is treating you well. You can PM me if you don't want to talk about anything on the forums.

 

Cheers, mate!

[Melrapuo]

Hey Cali,

 

I understand that you were close with the mom, and she invited you to her home for Christmas. Whether it matters or not (to you I see that it doesn't), I was wondering if you take that invite as a way that maybe the family, if not the ex herself, was trying to set something up to get things possibly rolling again?

 

People tend to say that actions speak louder than words (especially during break ups ), so do you consider this that sort of case?

 

Glad to hear all of the progress you've made, and glad to hear you're healthy again. Was worried about ya for a bit after hearing about that accident.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Cali,

 

I understand that you were close with the mom, and she invited you to her home for Christmas. Whether it matters or not (to you I see that it doesn't), I was wondering if you take that invite as a way that maybe the family, if not the ex herself, was trying to set something up to get things possibly rolling again?

 

People tend to say that actions speak louder than words (especially during break ups ), so do you consider this that sort of case?

 

I'm a big proponent of "It's actions, not words, that matter...". I do love her family. They've been very good to me during the trial of my life but they did not interfere. Her mom is never going to "tell" her daughter what to do. That is a conclusion she has to come to on her own.

 

She did ask her daughter if it was OK if I came to the Christmas celebration but I don't think it was a "set up", so to speak. If that was her mom's intention then mission accomplished. It's been a few days and I haven't said anything to them nor have they said anything to me so I am going to take it for face value. It was a good time and there was no animosity so -- from my perspective, it was what it was.

 

Glad to hear all of the progress you've made, and glad to hear you're healthy again. Was worried about ya for a bit after hearing about that accident.

 

Thanks! I am glad to say that I feel back to my normal self and there hasn't been any lingering issues. I've been taking my flying lessons and staying out of trouble. I enjoy my work here in NOVA even though I don't like the area. I am trying to buy a house at the moment so I have a worthy investment of my time. Even if I do end up going back to CA I have a good real estate agent that can rent it out for me.

 

The plan right now though is to stay.

 

Hope all is well with you.

[Melrapuo]

Good stuff to hear.

 

I did find it ironic that you posted this in the "Second Chances" section though. Just food for thought...lol

[CaliGuy]

Good stuff to hear.

 

I did find it ironic that you posted this in the "Second Chances" section though. Just food for thought...lol

 

It's in an apropos spot. Everyone wants desperately for a second chance when really, they need to move on with their life so the RIGHT one can come along. This just shows that pining for a second chance is the worst thing you can do.

 

Moving on with life should be one's primary goal without pondering about the ex. Exes are exes for a reason

 

Cheers.

[marqueemoon4]

a) Thank you. Time does heal all wounds.

b) Yes, Ashburn should be renamed Boringville.

c) Do I know you?! I did a ride over the summer with the DC group and we went to MD and spent the whole day riding. Were you in that group?!

 

Sorry, my memory is failing me!

 

No, we had exchanged a few PMs about riding over the summer.. no big deal Duc has been collecting dust the last few months.. prob not gonna get to ride again until spring.

[Lis007]

I am interested to see how you get the sparks going again if you give it a try.

 

My ex has said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore... doesn't feel anything... no sparks... just like you... but I think its a defence mechanism because he has blocked me out and he is afraid of opening up. He is settled in his life if we gave it a try how would life change? he thinks its going to be a battle and he can't be bothered with that. He thinks even talking will be upsetting for both of us and I just want to start by doing something fun together. He thinks talking will ruin his holidays and make it not fun...

 

Yet we spent Christmas day together...

 

I have the sparks, I am in love with him, its the hardest thing just treating each other as friends.

 

I wish I knew what might spark that interest even just a bit...

[CaliGuy]

I am interested to see how you get the sparks going again if you give it a try.

 

My ex has said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore... doesn't feel anything... no sparks... just like you... but I think its a defence mechanism because he has blocked me out and he is afraid of opening up. He is settled in his life if we gave it a try how would life change? he thinks its going to be a battle and he can't be bothered with that. He thinks even talking will be upsetting for both of us and I just want to start by doing something fun together. He thinks talking will ruin his holidays and make it not fun...

 

Yet we spent Christmas day together...

 

I have the sparks, I am in love with him, its the hardest thing just treating each other as friends.

 

I wish I knew what might spark that interest even just a bit...

 

The more you try to make them come back the more you push them away. Put as much focus on yourself and try not to cage him into something he doesn't want right now.

[2sunny]

He's not healed though. He's full of himself. He holds resentment towards her. He was a wall built up. He said I love her but I do not trust her.

 

I am going to post a fact. She left him because she was an IDIOT and made a mistake. She knows this, be her comment "when are you moving back out here" She was young. His ego took a huge hit and still is bruised because of it. My ex left me 7 months ago for the same reason his ex did. I was going to propose to her 3 weeks ago. But I know from life experience that this is a phase in life, she was young stupid and made a mistake.

 

This post is proof that he thinks hes larger then life now. Hes not healed, hes scarred. He never let go of the past. He created a nice long story about what happened and how he reacted towards someone he loves. He gave her the cold shoulder and then came here to brag about it.

 

How is this healed, its not! Its being scarred, if he was healed he would have talked to her and said damn we were idiots years ago, I had a lot of fun with you

 

He seems to be referring to himself - not CG.

 

Word - ego!

[CaliGuy]

No, we had exchanged a few PMs about riding over the summer.. no big deal Duc has been collecting dust the last few months.. prob not gonna get to ride again until spring.

 

PST me your FB info and I can get you into the riders group that I ride with. Of course, that means not until May or June, lol!

 

He seems to be referring to himself - not CG.

 

Word - ego!

 

LOL! Hi Sunny!

[CaliGuy]

• I think from your post that you still love her,
  
• you got invited by her mom bc her mom knows what's best for her daughter
  
• you went over her house because of her,
  

relax, maybe there is a glimmer of hope for you 2 to be together again

 

Forgiving her is something you must do. And to be able to do that listen what Wilson has to say.

 

I think you did great at her home, that is your progress,

 

 

Cheers!

 

Just as an update, I've chatted a couple times with her mom. She stated:

 

"We didn't talk (her and I) about having you there nor did I talk to other family members about it. They were happy to see you and glad that you came..."

 

This is why I tell people not to put false hopes on others. In my case, I was already going to there not to see her or hope to rekindle anything, but more or less to prove to myself that I could see her and not be hurt.

 

And that's exactly how I felt. No anger, no pain, no remorse. Just two ships passing in the night.

 

Life is good, folks. Don't waste it trying to make someone love you or come back to you. Like I always say, if they really wanted to be with you, nothing on earth would stop them from getting you.

 

Cheers!

[0hpenelope]

You know CG can also stand for "Cool Guy," right? Because that's what you were, esp. when the girl tried to talk to you about the accident and you said something to the effect of "I want to wait for your mom." I don't know why, but I latched on to that and I thought to myself "Man... CG is a cool cat for that."

 

I like to see your threads about this, because it's been six years. I feel like you've chronicled your healing journey from her well. I too have an update about the ex that first brought me to Loveshack and in my life so far, it's true that when least expected, that's when I hear about these people I thought I'd "never" hear about again. I cannot talk in absolutes absolutely.

 

It's so great to read about you being in such good spirits, CaliGuy!

[Sugarkane]

Caliguy I really admire how you handled things, considering how you were treated by your ex. Are you a saint?!

 

Although I find it very odd that you still speak to your exes parents and are on good terms. Usually you get cut off, even if you weren't in the wrong and did nothing wrong. And no matter how friendly you were with them. I find it very unusual that they invited you over for xmas.

[CaliGuy]

You know CG can also stand for "Cool Guy," right? Because that's what you were, esp. when the girl tried to talk to you about the accident and you said something to the effect of "I want to wait for your mom." I don't know why, but I latched on to that and I thought to myself "Man... CG is a cool cat for that."

 

Thanks! That was something in the past that I would have blurted it out and not thought about the important people there that needed to hear it from me as well (her mom). I also wasn't gushing over her or trying to get her to talk to me like I used to as well. The healing I've gotten from all this time has stopped me from "reacting" to her

 

I like to see your threads about this, because it's been six years. I feel like you've chronicled your healing journey from her well. I too have an update about the ex that first brought me to Loveshack and in my life so far, it's true that when least expected, that's when I hear about these people I thought I'd "never" hear about again. I cannot talk in absolutes absolutely.

It's so great to read about you being in such good spirits, CaliGuy!

 

Thanks and now I have to check out your thread to see what happened! Really appreciate the kind words and it sounds like you've healed up well too!

 

Caliguy I really admire how you handled things, considering how you were treated by your ex. Are you a saint?!

 

No, I'd say I'm more "experienced" now. Again, it's been time (a long time) away from her that has kept me cool and calm.

 

Although I find it very odd that you still speak to your exes parents and are on good terms. Usually you get cut off, even if you weren't in the wrong and did nothing wrong. And no matter how friendly you were with them. I find it very unusual that they invited you over for xmas.

 

Her mom and dad are good people. We developed a very "family" type relationship while I was dating the ex and that carried over. They're good Christian people and I believe they want me to be happy and they aren't the type to force or voice their opinion on what *I* or the ex should do. They aren't trying to be matchmakers, they just didn't want either of us to be alone for Christmas.

 

I know a lot of people think they were trying to put us back together but they know better than to try that. Their daughter is very private and wants to do things her way. She doesn't like when people *tell* her what to do (and nobody does, myself included).

 

Honestly, "it is what it is is" -- a nice time with friends and family for Christmas and nothing more. I haven't heard anything from the ex (nor do I expect to) nor did she or her family talk about me after I left. And the best thing is that I have no expectations or desire to go chase after her again. I learned my lesson the first time and I say it all the time: "If they really want to be with you nothing on earth would stop them from finding and telling you so..."

 

Cheers!

[0hpenelope]

Thanks and now I have to check out your thread to see what happened! Really appreciate the kind words and it sounds like you've healed up well too!

 

There's no thread because the update isn't really substantial. If you told me that I would feel this way about the ex almost four years ago, I would not believe you! I thought about whether or not to threadjack but since you expressed interest in knowing + anyone else who stumbles upon this thread will probably appreciate something else to read about, I hope you don't mind if I say something about my situation here instead?

 

The news about "L" (I got a mod warning when I typed out his entire name a long time ago, but that's his actual initial and I outlasted that mod in LS! hah!) is through a friend - she's my friend, but she's his acquaintance and they don't speak on a regular basis as far as I know. I spoke with her a few weeks ago, asking me "Have you seen L's new girlfriend?" I haven't because I blocked him from my Facebook a while ago and I haven't changed my settings. She then proceeded to tell me how his new girlfriend has the same similarities as the girl he dated after we broke up and asked me "Why does he date the 'same' girls? How is she any different?"

 

I know I'm further along in my healing from my experience with L - further than I thought, to be honest - because I'm not heartbroken that he hasn't contacted me, I'm not sad that he found someone else, and the update didn't trigger a desire to communicate with him. I can say now that I'm not averse to the idea of speaking to him again, but I won't go out of my way to initiate contact. Say, if I saw him in a coffee shop or walking down the street and we make eye contact, I can be civil to him now. All of this, I wouldn't have thought possible in March 2008, when I first made this account, heartbroken, very sad, and desperate for advice.

 

I've explained before that anyone interested in my story could click on my username and check out threads, but I didn't make a thread specific to L. My story's scattered in other threads and in Private Messages. Among the most helpful during that time were you, tealeafbud (who's not around anymore, but I still remember him well because we were absolute buddies), motive2002, vivrantflo, carhill, LucreziaB, sunshinegirl, D-Lish, and sedgwick. Unfortunately, I can't remember the other helpful LS members during that phase of my life, but it doesn't mean that they made less of an impact because the collective lessons I learned influenced how I dealt with my most recent break-up. To summarize what I learned and what I often remind myself of:

 

- I cannot and will not force myself on people who don't want to be with me.

- If they want to walk, then I'll let those people walk away.

- I will not be bitter from any negative experience because I will remember the bad stuff longer.

- Assume nothing.

 

I wanted to get over L and I got what I wanted. It's been quite a ride and I'm sure you can say the same for yourself, brother!

[0hpenelope]

PS - I meant it when the update itself isn't substantial. What's substantial is how I turned out after all of that crap and to me, that's most important! I got through it, finally. No bitterness, no anger.

 

Paulo Coelho wrote a tweet a while back (Nov. 16) and I favorited it because it sums up how I feel about him and the entire fiasco now: I found a better expression: "I forgive but please go away..." He shared contradictory thoughts regarding that (Don't say a silly "go away" if your heart is saying a wise "I forgive"), but some people said "You know, that's not always a good idea" - and I was among those people. I can be civil now, but civility ≠ friendship.

[TaraMaiden]

Hi CG....

 

Thanks for your message....

Had already found the thread, as it happens, but had made no comment....

 

What is there to say about the Taj Mahal that hasn't already been effusively said before.....?

 

It's brilliant, beautiful and stands as a monument on its own merits.

It's precisely 3 degrees off centre because apparently, only God can - or should - create perfection - but the funny thing is, even with its 3 degrees off the perpendicular everywhere - it's PERFECTLY 3 degrees, everywhere!

 

It's all great, as ever, CG. always enjoy reading your posts/threads, because you are living testimony to how miraculously the human frame - and Mind - can heal itself....

And you know what a fan I am of beautiful structure....

[CaliGuy]

I wanted to get over L and I got what I wanted. It's been quite a ride and I'm sure you can say the same for yourself, brother!

 

Amen to that. We all move on eventually but more importantly, faster when we let go of things (and people) we do not control

 

PS - I meant it when the update itself isn't substantial. What's substantial is how I turned out after all of that crap and to me, that's most important! I got through it, finally. No bitterness, no anger.

 

Paulo Coelho wrote a tweet a while back (Nov. 16) and I favorited it because it sums up how I feel about him and the entire fiasco now: I found a better expression: "I forgive but please go away..." He shared contradictory thoughts regarding that (Don't say a silly "go away" if your heart is saying a wise "I forgive"), but some people said "You know, that's not always a good idea" - and I was among those people. I can be civil now, but civility ≠ friendship.

 

I believe we should all forgive the dumpers but not does not mean we forget or have to be friends. As I always say "If they wanted to be with you, nothing on Earth would stop them from getting to you...."

 

Hi CG....

 

Thanks for your message....

Had already found the thread, as it happens, but had made no comment....

 

What is there to say about the Taj Mahal that hasn't already been effusively said before.....?

 

It's brilliant, beautiful and stands as a monument on its own merits.

It's precisely 3 degrees off centre because apparently, only God can - or should - create perfection - but the funny thing is, even with its 3 degrees off the perpendicular everywhere - it's PERFECTLY 3 degrees, everywhere!

 

It's all great, as ever, CG. always enjoy reading your posts/threads, because you are living testimony to how miraculously the human frame - and Mind - can heal itself....

And you know what a fan I am of beautiful structure....

 

Thanks T. I wasn't sure if you saw this thread and hadn't seen you post on LS in a while so I wanted to make sure you had the update. This is an important one and relative to the threads I wrote on coping (No Contact) and pining around and wasting your time (Second Chances). The fact that I could be in the same room with her and no drive myself nuts to want to be with her (I didn't ignore her -- I was just not focusing my attention on her at all, just the family event).

 

I hope this helps people pining for a second chance to dust themselves off, work on making themselves a better person and allowing the opportunity for the RIGHT person to enter their life.

 

Time has a limit for human-kind, don't waste a second of it chasing that which does not want to be caught by you...

[whichwayisup]

He's not healed though. He's full of himself. He holds resentment towards her. He was a wall built up. He said I love her but I do not trust her.

 

I am going to post a fact. She left him because she was an IDIOT and made a mistake. She knows this, be her comment "when are you moving back out here" She was young. His ego took a huge hit and still is bruised because of it. My ex left me 7 months ago for the same reason his ex did. I was going to propose to her 3 weeks ago. But I know from life experience that this is a phase in life, she was young stupid and made a mistake.

 

This post is proof that he thinks hes larger then life now. Hes not healed, hes scarred. He never let go of the past. He created a nice long story about what happened and how he reacted towards someone he loves. He gave her the cold shoulder and then came here to brag about it.

 

How is this healed, its not! Its being scarred, if he was healed he would have talked to her and said damn we were idiots years ago, I had a lot of fun with you

 

Wow, we reading the same thread? You don't know Cali like we all do so sorry, your assessment of him is totally off.

[whichwayisup]

Good for you Cali. Life goes on and you're living proof (thanks to the Dr) that one can work hard and get past anything.

 

Happy New Year buddy. Wish you the best!

[CaliGuy]

Wow, we reading the same thread? You don't know Cali like we all do so sorry, your assessment of him is totally off.

 

He doesn't know me or anything about my history here at LS. That's why I don't give people like that any acknowledgement until their earn their stripes

 

Good for you Cali. Life goes on and you're living proof (thanks to the Dr) that one can work hard and get past anything.

 

Happy New Year buddy. Wish you the best!

 

Thanks again WWIU! Hope you're doing well and enjoying the New Year yourself. I am trying to buy a house right now. Me needs an investment, even if it isn't San Diego, lol!

[Lil1]

Hey CaliGuy! I'm glad to hear of your success story. Your story rings a loud bell for me. Reverese your roles around and that is my 'situation' (it's not really a situation because it has very little effect on my life). My ex-ex of 7 years still keeps in touch with my family, they all have him as a friend on FB and invite him to family gatherings. For some reason it has always worked out that I am never around when he is so he and I have never really 'buried the hatchet'. Our break-up was a messy one with both of us hurting each other. I have not maintained contact with any of his family members (partly because his family has a very different dynamic than my own - they are very reserved and it took them a while to warm up to me when we dated). Anyway, I do wonder sometimes why he keeps in touch with my family, but I have to tell myself that it's no longer about me. He developed a relationship with my family and it isn't my place to intervene or deter him or my family from that.

 

I've always found your words to be very encouraging CG, and I look forward to hearing again from you in the future!

[CaliGuy]

Hey CaliGuy! I'm glad to hear of your success story. Your story rings a loud bell for me. Reverese your roles around and that is my 'situation' (it's not really a situation because it has very little effect on my life). My ex-ex of 7 years still keeps in touch with my family, they all have him as a friend on FB and invite him to family gatherings. For some reason it has always worked out that I am never around when he is so he and I have never really 'buried the hatchet'. Our break-up was a messy one with both of us hurting each other. I have not maintained contact with any of his family members (partly because his family has a very different dynamic than my own - they are very reserved and it took them a while to warm up to me when we dated). Anyway, I do wonder sometimes why he keeps in touch with my family, but I have to tell myself that it's no longer about me. He developed a relationship with my family and it isn't my place to intervene or deter him or my family from that.

 

I've always found your words to be very encouraging CG, and I look forward to hearing again from you in the future!

 

Thanks I appreciate the kind words. Can you tell me if he is married or dating? If so I wonder why he would still talk to your parents? In my case they were the for me when my mom died and really filled that void but we don't really talk that much anymore. Maybe two or three times a year at most. They are just really good people.

 

Meeting the ex was a test for me to see if I was really over it and I can say absolutely yes

[Lil1]

Hey CG, no he isn't married, although I do think he is or was in a relationship (ironically she has the same name I do, and as you may recall, my name is not all that common!). He mostly keeps in touch with my sister and her family (the rest of my family is in the East Coast but I know he has visited them when he's gone back to visit his own family). Anyway I'm not really sure why he still maintains contact with them and I don't think he does very often (mainly through FB) but it really has no affect on me. Maybe one of these days we will actually meet again but I have no expectations whatsoever. I guess I'm in the same place as you in that I'm completely over him... but then again my relationship with him crashed and burned and I've never looked back. My recent ex is another story though, I'm still healing the wound he left in my heart

[CaliGuy]

Hey CG, no he isn't married, although I do think he is or was in a relationship (ironically she has the same name I do, and as you may recall, my name is not all that common!). He mostly keeps in touch with my sister and her family (the rest of my family is in the East Coast but I know he has visited them when he's gone back to visit his own family). Anyway I'm not really sure why he still maintains contact with them and I don't think he does very often (mainly through FB) but it really has no affect on me. Maybe one of these days we will actually meet again but I have no expectations whatsoever. I guess I'm in the same place as you in that I'm completely over him... but then again my relationship with him crashed and burned and I've never looked back. My recent ex is another story though, I'm still healing the wound he left in my heart

 

So who broke off the relationship with your ex that contacts your parents?

 

Who broke off the last relationship?