Is she cheating on me?

[DeadHead]

This is hard to type because i just found out all night, I was up all night, physically sick from it.. my girlfriend was over and she was on my computer, at one point she logged in her gmail and forgot to log out, I drove her home when back home, my dad asked me if I had a friends email that he needed, i told him just to go downstairs and check my sent box.. unknowingly he was on my girlfriends account but i came down to stop him, He walked away and I saw a message to a doctor, I was curious and worried, wondering why she was emailing a doctor (worried about her, not that she's cheating with me on a doctor or anything) I opened it up and I realized it was a dating doctor, She was telling this doctor how she's been with me for 2 years and we are so close, and that we love each other.. but how recently at her knew job she has a crush on a co-worker and that when he's around her "heart races" and the get's butterflies.. She said in the message that they text each other and that he likes her as well and at the end (I'm trying to remember as clear as i can) that with me, she see's me in her future making her happy, but she says with him, she see's him more of a "now" kind of thing. Which made no sense to me.. Now you have to understand at this point i felt like i was going to throw up. I never felt so sick without actually being sick in my life.. I immediately texted her, Not in a mad way at all, but in a concerned way telling her i just found an email accidentally (i explained to her how) that really hurt me.. She immediately got mad at me saying i was snooping when I wasn't..

 

What I don't get is she tells me all the time that I'm for her, and stuff along that.. I truly feel the same way, and I can honestly say I don't have ANY feelings for other girls in anyway.. She's my best friend and the first person I truly opened up to.. I told her that I was sorry for looking at it.. and she said that all she was trying to do is save our relationship, but she said it in a way that made it look like everything was my fault.. She says i have trust issues, any I guess deep down inside I do but i don't show them, and to say you never wondered about your girlfriend/boyfriend in that kind of light is a lie.

 

So back to the story.. in one text she said that she went to her ex straight to me, and she said how she never had a chance to have "Fun"..."fun'??? the same ****ing fun she used to say slutty girls had... I really almost exploded at that point but i held my cool.. She said that when a guys nice to her she usually likes them but nothing more.. yet why the **** would she be asking a date doctor?? I'm sorry for the profanity.. I'm really heated up from this..

 

She doesn't realize how much i care for her, and I i told her that she would get mad at me..

 

I then told her how I'm really sorry for everything and that I can't stand the though of losing her and that I love her.. and she replied in a rash way saying i"well that's your problem"... Wow.. I never EVER EVER EVER would say that to someone who I "love".. no matter how ****ing pissed i was..

 

I just don't know.. we're texting now and of course she's making it seem like my fault..

 

I know some of you guys will say "dump her" but I CAN'T.. I really love her.. I truly couldn't get by without her I don't know what i would do.. I've had emotional issues in the past and the only thing that kept me grounded was knowing i had her.. if she's gone, then so am i

[reboot]

Gas lighting and blame shifting.... classic cheater's behavior. You know how you can tell when she's lying? When her lips are moving.

[skywriter]

"I know some of you guys will say "dump her" but I CAN'T.. I really love her.. I truly couldn't get by without her I don't know what i would do.. I've had emotional issues in the past and the only thing that kept me grounded was knowing i had her.. if she's gone, then so am i"

 

 

 

The above statement, in your post, is something you should consider, cause for concern, above any distrust, you might have, in your girlfriend. This really stood out to me more than her possibly cheating.

[Philosoraptor]

Is she cheating? I dunno. Is she a risk? Of course.

 

If you can't leave then you must insist on couples counsiling. At the least she is headed towards an emotional affair. I assume she is quite young and doesn't know what she wants out of life yet. People mature at different rates and that is fine... but you don't have to be part of that process.

 

You have to love yourself first here and know you deserve to be treated better. Sadly most people tend to not do that and end up hurt worse because of it.

 

I'd recommend individual therapy if nothing else as one should never be that dependant on someone that they can't function. The therapist will be able to help you with this co-dependency issue that you are feeling as well.

[fallenenvy]

Calm down and take a deep breath.. i assure you life does go on in the absence of a SO even though it doesnt feel like it right now.

 

I'll address a few points mentioned.. first of all the "snooping" so to speak. It wasn't like you went around looking for dirt on her it just kinda happened.. but at the same time medical (you said you saw doctor so you opened it) information is very very confidential and private so opening it wasn't a very good idea reguardless. Leave her stuff alone.

 

Secondly.. she is reacting the way she is because she got caught in something she didn't want you to see or know about. Of course you arn't the source of all evil as she is making it seem like you are... shes just upset this is blowing up on her right now and its normal for people to try to shift the "blame"

 

The attraction to another guy.. is perfectly normal. As my mother always said "you can look till your dead" its just a matter of what you choose to do with it. If you value your relationship you ignore it.. acknowledge the attraction and let it go. I've been there... in a LTR and my eyes were on another guy.. he made me laugh he was attractive.. and i would've been very upset had my bf found out because it was truly nothing more than a brief attraction and would've started an unneeded fight. It happens.. it's part of life even for those that deny it... its just a matter of how you handle it.

 

Her talking to someone about it is just her trying to sort out her feelings because they are confusing. Sometimes it helps to get it out.

 

This doesn't mean shes cheating..... or even that she wants to.. just that she is acknowledging feelings she has.

 

The whole wanting to have fun thing comes with being young. Often we hit that point (seems to be in early 20's) where we are indeed happy with who we are with but we arn't ready to settle down yet so to speak. Doesn't make you slutty... I know it can be hurtful too for the SO.. but it is what it is. Once again you either acknoledge the feelings and let them go.. or choose to end a good relationship to go out and have fun (tho people often regret this move)

 

Does she love you? I think so.. she talks about wanting a future with you..

 

I know a lot people will probably tell you shes cheating leave her shes a liar.. etc... but i'm just saying it as i see it... normal part of life.. especially if you are young like im suspecting.

 

Whether or not this relationships lasts.. please do realize again that life will go on and you will be ok.

[PegNosePete]

I immediately texted her, Not in a mad way at all, but in a concerned way telling her i just found an email accidentally (i explained to her how) that really hurt me.. She immediately got mad at me saying i was snooping when I wasn't..

Ah here we go, blame shifting, changing the subject from her wrong-doing to yours. It is perfectly OK for her to have a schoolgirl crush on some other dude (and LIE by omission to you about it) but as soon as you do the slightest thing it is ALL your fault. This is classic cheater behaviour. Seriously it's like they have a script or something. Always the same. She does not want to discuss the actual problem which is HER inappropriate behaviour so she changes the subject to your trust issues, what a load of BS. Of course you have trust issues because SHE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY. If she was then she would have told you the truth.

 

She said that when a guys nice to her she usually likes them but nothing more..

So treat her mean then. Tell her YOU'RE DUMPED. If she really does not like the pushover type of guy then what do you hope to achieve by being nice to her? If she really does like to be treated mean then she'll beg for forgiveness. If she doesn't then she is full of sh*t. But then you know that already.

 

She doesn't realize how much i care for her

OH YES SHE DOES. It's just that she doesn't give 2 flying ships about YOU. Otherwise she would not treat you like a piece of crap.

 

I then told her how I'm really sorry for everything and that I can't stand the though of losing her and that I love her.. and she replied in a rash way saying i"well that's your problem"

Well, that sounds like the end of the relationship then. You are right, someone who cares about you would never say anything like that. Game over man.

 

I know some of you guys will say "dump her" but I CAN'T

Dump her. Yes you can. Stop making excuses for procrastination.

[2sunny]

Is she cheating? Dunno, probably.

 

Is she lying? Yes. Pretending she's been happy with you when she's clearly interested in someone else is her lying to you.

 

All she needed to do was be honest - but she wasn't.

 

The question is - why would you even find value in being with a gal that lies to you by pretending to be happy when she's not?

[Chi townD]

The fact that you said that you love her and can't bear the thought of losing her and she comes back with, "THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!"

 

Dude, that tells me that she doesn't love you as much as you love her. That tells me she views you as someone she could, "take it or leave it." at any moment. It tells me that she's hanging out with you until something better comes along. How is this fair to you?

 

She's getting advice on how to approach this situation from a dating advice person. Note the "dating" portion of the "Dating Doctor". She's looking for someones permission to see this guy. Hoping that someone will tell her, "It's okay! You're young! Explore your options!!"

 

Here's the rub...she's already cheating on you. She's texting this guy and from what she's written, she stated that she KNOWS this guy likes her as well. Therefore, it's safe to assume that there's heavy flirting going on from both parties. Thus, she getting emotionally involved with this guy. The makings of an EA. If not a mild PA in the form of kissing or making out in the parking lot of her work. This could be a possibility.

 

Your Dad already knows what's going on. Why don't you talk to him about it. Get his opinion on this whole situation. However, in my opinion, I think YOU DESERVE BETTER! This isn't fair to you at all. And there are girls out there that WILL dedicate themselves to one guy and not play these kinds of games.

 

Yeah, I know. Easy to say, not so easy to do. And it's not going to be easy to seperate yourself from someone that you've invested so much time and energy into, but you deserve to be happy. And trust me when I say thsi. People are here for you and they will walk you through all the difficult times that you may be facing.

[DeadHead]

Calm down and take a deep breath.. i assure you life does go on in the absence of a SO even though it doesnt feel like it right now.

 

I'll address a few points mentioned.. first of all the "snooping" so to speak. It wasn't like you went around looking for dirt on her it just kinda happened.. but at the same time medical (you said you saw doctor so you opened it) information is very very confidential and private so opening it wasn't a very good idea reguardless. Leave her stuff alone.

 

Secondly.. she is reacting the way she is because she got caught in something she didn't want you to see or know about. Of course you arn't the source of all evil as she is making it seem like you are... shes just upset this is blowing up on her right now and its normal for people to try to shift the "blame"

 

The attraction to another guy.. is perfectly normal. As my mother always said "you can look till your dead" its just a matter of what you choose to do with it. If you value your relationship you ignore it.. acknowledge the attraction and let it go. I've been there... in a LTR and my eyes were on another guy.. he made me laugh he was attractive.. and i would've been very upset had my bf found out because it was truly nothing more than a brief attraction and would've started an unneeded fight. It happens.. it's part of life even for those that deny it... its just a matter of how you handle it.

 

Her talking to someone about it is just her trying to sort out her feelings because they are confusing. Sometimes it helps to get it out.

 

This doesn't mean shes cheating..... or even that she wants to.. just that she is acknowledging feelings she has.

 

The whole wanting to have fun thing comes with being young. Often we hit that point (seems to be in early 20's) where we are indeed happy with who we are with but we arn't ready to settle down yet so to speak. Doesn't make you slutty... I know it can be hurtful too for the SO.. but it is what it is. Once again you either acknoledge the feelings and let them go.. or choose to end a good relationship to go out and have fun (tho people often regret this move)

 

Does she love you? I think so.. she talks about wanting a future with you..

 

I know a lot people will probably tell you shes cheating leave her shes a liar.. etc... but i'm just saying it as i see it... normal part of life.. especially if you are young like im suspecting.

 

Whether or not this relationships lasts.. please do realize again that life will go on and you will be ok.

 

 

I understand what you're saying and your post stood out the most to me, we going out to lunch friday to talk everything over.

 

Maybe I'm delusional but I feel she's different, If I was a poster on this forum and I read this thread without knowing her I would instantly say "DUMP HER" but that's the thing.. She always had trust issues in the past with me, only until recently she gained them back. and it was nothing that i did, it's what her ex did to her, he played with her heart you know the one day I love, the next I don't kind of thing.

 

But I am nothing like that guy, but then again I don't know everything about that relationship..

 

and it's not a jealousy thing, I mean yeah I get jealous sometimes, and she says other guys are hot or attractive and it doesn't bother me to much, sure i may be a little crabby about it but nothing to argue over. But at the same time if i saw a girl and said "she's hot" It would be a really bad... But I understand that, she's more emotional than me, and I keep check of that too.

 

I've calmed down a bit since the first post, but i honestly believe she isn't faking the happiness with me, first off the guy is 5 years older then her, (she's not a legal adult just yet, and I know her parents would NOT approve of him) I saw his picture and was actually pretty shocked she would have feelings for him, he looked like nothing she would like.. but what the hell do I know anymore huh?

 

The message that was sent was older, I couldn't get a clear look. But another part of the message was how she said "as fate might of had it, we are paired as work partners". Ugh..

 

Whatever.. We're talking this friday, what should i talk about? she said she wants to work on the relationship, what the **** does that mean? The email thing, okay i will never go through your stuff accident or not.

[2sunny]

What's to talk about?

 

When she gets more interested in another guy - she expects you tobe understanding and put up with HER blaming YOU?

 

What's right or "loving" about that?

[DeadHead]

What should i say to state that? I want her to know i am worried about that, she often tells me how she's worried she's going to lose me, and i assure her that i won't.. i let her know I'm afraid too and she tells me she would never..

 

but yeah, how should i state this?

[2sunny]

If fear is the basis of your R - then you have nothing.

[fallenenvy]

Personally i think everyone is rather harsh on judging relationship dynamics of a couple based on a single post made out of anger hurt and frustration.. i could come on here going on and on about something selfish or stupid or insensitive my bf did and get a load of people telling me what an ass he is dump him you deserve better etc.. when there is just SO much more to it than that. No one's perfect.

 

I think the same for you OP... theres more to this than you could ever put into words on a forum. I think talking it over it a great idea. If shes not legal yet then obviously she is young like i expected making my previous post even more true. We don't often see our misjudgements till we age a bit.. I know i did plenty of things i regret when i was 16-20.

 

I don't think her going through a phase of having a crush on someone is a relationship end-er.. reguardless of what people say on here about her blaming you def cheating on you.. emotional affair...blah blah blah... its normal behavior especially from a young girl....does anyone ever really want to be to blame for something? of course not... I'm not saying its right.. just perhaps you should understand it and be able to talk about it and move on.

 

What should you talk about with her? Whatever you need to. Discuss this crush thing she had... Get a feel for whats going through her head.. and also please understand that young peoples minds can change frequently adding to the confusion.. i don't think this should be the end of your relationship but thats just my opinion. Depends on where you 2 decide to go from here. Good luck to you either way.

[DeadHead]

I'm asking her now if she still texts him or vice versa. I really have to know that now, it's been bothering me. Christ i havent eaten all day and i have no hunger! I'm physically a wreck.. even though im way to upset to even shed a tear about this (if that makes sense)

 

I'm 18, i find im more mature then most 18 year olds, and the only reason i would be dating a girl younger then me is because she doesn't act like she's her age. She's VERY mature, she's in AP every class, she's very smart.. I wish i could i could just turn back time and never opened that email because it messed us up..

 

The worst part is they are partners at a retail store!

 

 

EDIT! Just heard back from her.

 

My text to her was

 

"I really have to know, and i don't want to invade your privacy, but do you guys still text"

 

Her reply (most normal reply, wasn't expecting this)

 

"No I don't, theres not much to the conversations.. I don't know why i liked him.. he was just a partier :/ i only knew him from work but he quit.."

 

Well me good friend works at the store so ill double check to see if he really quit... Now i feel like i am snooping so maybe i won't do that.

[xpaperxcutx]

You're 18 so I'm going to assume she's that age as well and getting ready for college. I love high school romances, they're cute and fun, but half the time they don't last because going away to college ends everything.

 

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but having been at your age and dating at 18, my first bf had at that time seemed to be my one and only. But the relationship was suffocating and I find my feelings drifting outwards.

 

She's young and young people has a tendency to get bored. If she's capable of cheating ( of which at this point she is) you're better off letting her go. You cannot keep someone around who's heart isn't in it, and as much as you may try to win her over with apologizes, you'll only make her look down on you.

 

This girl has the capabilities to be a b!tch, and the more sincere you try to be towards her, the more you're likely to get hurt. Heed everyone's advice and dump her. Chances are, she might want to crawl back to you, but you'll definitely be at a better place if you let her know that you're not a sucker waiting to be abused.

[DeadHead]

Instead of waiting till friday i asked her about the guy she was texting asking if they still text, and her reply was she doesn't. she said he doesn't know why he liked her, She also told me that when he asked her to leave me for her she knew it had gone to far (this was after the email was written that i found) and told him that she is not leaving me. The guy is a typical college kid partier type. Which i guess is the opposite of me. But she told me she had no feelings for him and that he had left the store and they no longer work together.

 

When we talk friday im going to ask for an honest answer if this happens more then I think..

 

 

I'm not getting into detail but this happened with another guy, but the circumstances were WAY different and she says she was just being a friend and he wouldn't stop hitting on her. which was true.

 

 

I look back at everything and I notice, i don't think she ever lied to me, I believe if i asked her about another guy, she may have told me, but im not sure how long ago this was happening, it could have been a couple months.

 

And she's 2 years younger then me, but she's only a grade underneath me. I'm going to a local college next year.

 

I feel she's being truthful, would contacting the guy be a bad move? I think i will only do that if it comes down to it though.

Edited December 28, 2011 by DeadHead

[Chi townD]

 

I feel she's being truthful, would contacting the guy be a bad move? I think i will only do that if it comes down to it though.

 

Why would you do that? You already stated that this guy wants to get with your girl. So, if you call this guy, he's going to tell you all sorts of stuff (whether it's true or not) in hopes that you'll get angry enough to break it off so he'll get a shot at her.

[PegNosePete]

Dude I would break it off with her. She lied and disrespected you. At your young age I would not be accepting of this. If you are then you are setting a dangerous precedent for it to continue, not only with this girl but with future GF's too. Don't get accustomed to being treated badly by women. Stand up for yourself and your dignity. It will do you much more good in the long run.

[diskostu]

she sees you as a making her happy in the future, but wants something else now. this she keeps hidden from you and when you find out, she blows up in YOUR face.

 

hello, time to be a man and put on your man pants. this girl deceived you and is manipulating you. she thinks she can control you like some little clueless pet. she is not long term relationship potential. if you were a real man you would end it with her, but from your post i can sense you are not a real man. you are a scared little boy who is clingy and needy as hell. desperate. you will not dump her, she will know that she has wrapped you around her finger and she will cheat.

[diskostu]

Instead of waiting till friday i asked her about the guy she was texting asking if they still text, and her reply was she doesn't. she said he doesn't know why he liked her, She also told me that when he asked her to leave me for her she knew it had gone to far (this was after the email was written that i found) and told him that she is not leaving me. The guy is a typical college kid partier type. Which i guess is the opposite of me. But she told me she had no feelings for him and that he had left the store and they no longer work together.

 

When we talk friday im going to ask for an honest answer if this happens more then I think..

 

 

I'm not getting into detail but this happened with another guy, but the circumstances were WAY different and she says she was just being a friend and he wouldn't stop hitting on her. which was true.

 

 

I look back at everything and I notice, i don't think she ever lied to me, I believe if i asked her about another guy, she may have told me, but im not sure how long ago this was happening, it could have been a couple months.

 

And she's 2 years younger then me, but she's only a grade underneath me. I'm going to a local college next year.

 

I feel she's being truthful, would contacting the guy be a bad move? I think i will only do that if it comes down to it though.

 

you're pathetic, but you're young. she will cheat/dump you and you will learn from your mistakes.

[Mag-Lone-Freak]

if you want to fight for her, fight for her. Contact him to find out what you want, then when he gets defensive tell him whats true anyway, that she doesn't like him. He may not believe you tho. If she doesn't like him all you can do now is put that in the past and focus on you and your girlfriend. It sounds like she's still figuring out who she wants in general.

[dasein]

The attraction to another guy.. is perfectly normal.

 

1. Nice try at trying to categorize emotional cheating as mere attraction, but no. The line between simple attraction and wrongful behavior is in engaging in continuing contact with the third person, that's where it ceases to become attraction and becomes out and out emotional cheating. OP is dating a cheater who will very likely become a habitual physical cheater in time. They all start out the same, taking advantage of a secure, existing relationship to test the water and look for the BBD. It's naive to believe that this will be the last or only time the GF will do this, and for all OP knows, there are more than one she is talking to, just not doing it via email.

 

2. OP there are two kinds of people in the world, those who handle relationships as your GF, and those who simply break up and move on when they want to explore other options. The former are a distinct majority today and make very bad bets for happy relationships. Good you have gotten your intro to this type early on, as it only takes a few to completely inoculate you against them. I can't emphasize how much you should avoid the former in your relationship life at all costs. Good luck.

[Space Ritual]

Deadhead,

 

When someone shows you who they are....BELIEVE THEM!

 

all the "I don't knows" and all that other crap is just that...crap. Look you can't control anyone but yourself. If she is going to cheat on you there is not much you can do about it. And obviously you need to stop texting because texts are impersonal and awful for relationship communication. However as I said...that whole "That's your problem" line is pretty telling right there. I suggest you get rid of her now. Trust is gone, and it won't come back any time soon.

This idiot did you a favor by not logging out of her email....you got a glimpse at the fact she does not consider you a priority, but an option.

 

Get rid of her or you'll be crying yourself to sleep listening to Journey songs on your Ipod for the forseeable future....

[Severely Unamused]

I know some of you guys will say "dump her" but I CAN'T.. I really love her.. I truly couldn't get by without her I don't know what i would do.. I've had emotional issues in the past and the only thing that kept me grounded was knowing i had her.. if she's gone, then so am i

I would suggest that you focus less of your attention on your gf's possible cheating, and more of your attention on your codependency issues.

 

Are you getting any support for your "emotional issues"?

[JamesTrump]

it happens all the time to couples, one cheats another secretly, inevitable, you'll get used to it