Controlling Anger & Communicating Properly

[PerfectBlue]

I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm struggling with feeling very defensive sometimes & then getting angry as a result. When that happens I have a very hard time controlling it and end up speaking in a loud tone of voice and sometimes saying things I wish I hadn't later. I tend to try & text to my BF when I'm feeling angry because that allows me an opportunity to edit my words and usually avoid saying something in anger. This works for me but not him. He despises text messages when we're having a serious discussion. He wants phone calls. Well, when I call, I end up getting more upset and then I'm just mad and cannot have a productive conversation with him. If I take time to try & cool off, he gets aggravated because I'm not answering him when he needs me too. I don't know what to do about this. Last night as an example...he chose to stay home & do his laundry & stuff and I stayed at my house to do some things there. No big deal, we have to handle our everyday life outside of each other sometimes. He texted a few times and I answered but evidently the text did not get through to him. He questioned me as to why I did not respond to his earlier text. I told him I had, twice actually. He then went on to mention it two other times. How weird it is that other texts got thru but not mine and how odd it was that it seemed to happen when I wasn't with him "like I am doing something I shouldn't be doing". His exact words. Ok, that made me mad! Accusing me! I immediately got defensive because I dealt with a bunch of mistrust & accusations in my previous relationship and it was always bad with my ex, physical abuse among other things. I just called him after the third text & said a lot, in anger. Not to basically tell me to leave him to his chores & then question me about what I'm doing just because my text didn't get through..it didn't turn out well. By the time it was over, I was crying and he was mad. I was the jerk because I couldn't pick up the phone & call & explain myself without losing my head, etc etc. He had said in a text he was sorry for hurting my feelings, that he didn't mean too but I needed to say what was on my mind too. I don't know how to handle this. I can't seem to say anything right when I upset him and I can't seem to keep from getting defensive & angry about certain things. I felt it was ridiculous of him to say that to me when it wasn't my fault the text didn't show up. He told me me to grow up, I felt it was the other way around. How do I channel this anger when I get that way and how do I avoid making the situation worse. I feel I can't call or text & make him happy regardless when there is a "discussion". He denied thinking I was up to something but seriously would he have mentioned it THREE different times if he wasn't thinking it?? Tell me if I'm wrong..I need help with this.

Edited December 28, 2011 by PerfectBlue
misspelled words