kourtney01 Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I posted the original story in the dating section.. However, I know most people don't have the patience to read such a long story...so I just have a few questions to post here in hopes that I will get a larger volume of responses. My problem is that I think I have fallen in love with this guy. I think about him from morning to night. I was engaged before and so I have been in love and I know what it feels like.. and even though my ex fiancee and I had a lot more history... I don't know why it was easier for me to walk away then.. I think it's because the relationship became so toxic (love/hate..on and off) that at some point I knew it was either him or my health. I don't have the same strength this time around... luckily I have had the self respect not to contact this guy because he has unresolved issues with his ex... But for some reason I can't let him go.. I guess I have 4 questions I'm hoping to shed some light on: 1- If a guy has this crazy intense connection with this girl..and does things out of character (like talk about kids and marriage ..even though on the first date he said he is no where near ready...) ... and spends every minute of every day with her or talking to her...introduces her to friends and family.. penetrates every aspect of her life and is always there for her...than his ex comes back begging for him...and they have lots of history (she hurt him badly)... can this guy just forget about this new romance with this great girl who he feels is the one...and go back to the ex because of history?? 2- If a man really loves a woman..how long can he go without contacting her...when she has done nothing wrong.. (with the exception that I wasn't understanding at all about the ex drama..and I didn't wish him a happy birthday because we weren't talking at this point for a week) 3- If the man that "supposedly loves this woman" is on holidays... not working daytime for 2 weeks.. and hasn't talked to this woman in 2 weeks since the drama with the ex... most likely he is with the ex no? What else would he be doing in his spare time? If the ex wasn't an option and he didn't want to be with her... wouldn't he be going crazy thinking of this woman he "loves"...how is he occupying his days? Just friends and family and tv? Without trying to contact once? 4- Why can't I accept this and move on? Or how do I accept this and move on? As days pass...it gets harder not easier... I spend my days analyzing the **** out of this..thinking about the 2-3 months we spent every day together and all the things he said and did for me until she came back... I opened my heart out to this guy (after he pursued me for a month before I even agreed to go on a date) and foolishly let myself fall for him quickly because it just felt right... and he said the same.. how do I reverse that now and just give up just like that..with no real closure How do I cope... any similar experiences? Outsider perspective or advice? Thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
Author kourtney01 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 ps. 1: there is nothing about this girl that even makes me a little bit jealous.. I know if they had no history, she would be no competition.. 2: I did nothing wrong. He screwed up not me. He has to live with that. Isn't this the IDEAL situation when you're trying to let go? ...because there is nothing for me to dwell on? So why haven't I started to do that? I don't think it's normal how much I think about him... or check my phone all the time hoping it's him calling... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 It sounds to me like this guy is obviously not over his past. Were you a rebound? I can't say but he has unresolved issues and they are not yours to deal with. Maybe he rebounded again. It might be the ex, it might not. Maybe he is growing emotionally in a way and taking care of his issues internally. Maybe the honeymoon ended for him and he just didn't want to do it anymore. I dunno but it shouldn't matter. This person seems emotionally unavailable and you need to take care of yourself right now. Actions speak louder than words. His words say one thing but he still left. Right now you seem very confused and possibly feeling replaced. But he doesn't matter right now so there is no need to analyze him. You need to figure out yourself and how you can avoid such unstable people in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I know some people who were in a similar situation than you, except the people I know were the husband and wife, and I only heard about the paramour. When the husband and wife were separated and the husband started dating others, a woman fell in love with the husband pretty bad, and had a lot of trouble letting go once the H and W got back together. Unfortunately, it leaves the paramour with nothing and a broken heart. You ask how can a man turn off his feelings for the paramour whom he claimed to love. Most likely, he still has those feelings for you, but he also has them for his wife, plus a long history, many memories, possibly children. You really can't compete with that if he still has strong feelings for his wife, because he also has those other things with her. He is probably feeling torn right now, and unsure what to do. If he goes back to his wife, he risks that it will not work out with her once again. But then, there is no guarantee that it would work out with you either. If he does decide to go back to his wife, you cope with that by understanding that your relationship was not meant to be, that he has emotional ties to another woman whom he had invested a large part of his life to already, and that he was not ready to make the kind of emotional commitment to you that you wanted to have. I'm sorry that you were caught in the middle of this. This is the reason why many people will not date a separated person, or someone who has too recently divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kourtney01 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 I know some people who were in a similar situation than you, except the people I know were the husband and wife, and I only heard about the paramour. When the husband and wife were separated and the husband started dating others, a woman fell in love with the husband pretty bad, and had a lot of trouble letting go once the H and W got back together. Unfortunately, it leaves the paramour with nothing and a broken heart. You ask how can a man turn off his feelings for the paramour whom he claimed to love. Most likely, he still has those feelings for you, but he also has them for his wife, plus a long history, many memories, possibly children. You really can't compete with that if he still has strong feelings for his wife, because he also has those other things with her. He is probably feeling torn right now, and unsure what to do. If he goes back to his wife, he risks that it will not work out with her once again. But then, there is no guarantee that it would work out with you either. If he does decide to go back to his wife, you cope with that by understanding that your relationship was not meant to be, that he has emotional ties to another woman whom he had invested a large part of his life to already, and that he was not ready to make the kind of emotional commitment to you that you wanted to have. I'm sorry that you were caught in the middle of this. This is the reason why many people will not date a separated person, or someone who has too recently divorced. They were never married... no kids...and never even lived together.. They were together a year and a half and she dumped him through text msg..then a few months passed and he met me..and when she found out I was in the picture..she got jealous and begged him back.. and he feel for it.. even though he had something great with me Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Again... he is emotionally immature and even if he came back he would be likely to do the same thing again to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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