Almond_Joy Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, I recently turned 26, and have had a few relationships. By a few I mean....literally.....3. I'm definitely geared towards long-term, life-long relationships. I mean that's always the end goal for me when starting a relationship. I don't want to be with someone I can't see myself with 5 or 10 years from now. The thing is, I don't think I'm very picky about men, mostly because I feel like I don't know what I need from someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with. If I had a strong sense of this, I don't think I'd fret so much about relationships, and put so much energy into them. That's the point I'm reaching now. I'm in a very new relationship (about two months old). I really like the guy, and can see us having a comfortable life together....but I worry about long-term happiness for the both of us. We're both very quiet, and though we have alot of similar interests, we don't talk much. I don't know if I need someone that likes to conversate a lot - someone who's spontaneous and passionate - to be happy. Or if I just need someone practical, dependable, and security-oriented, to keep me grounded when my aspirations lead me to live beyond what's realistically feasible. Is this the kind of thing only time, with trial and error, can tell me, or is there some kind of introspection I can do to get a better sense of what I need from a life partner? Companionship is very important to me....I want someone to enjoy life with....but I just don't know what that person's supposed to look like. It keeps me constantly questioning any relationship I'm in, and I don't want to do that again. Although any advice is appreciated, I'd be most interested in hearing from those who have been in or are in long-term relationships going on 10+ years...... Edited December 28, 2011 by Almond_Joy Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 "Seek not every quality in a single individual". the things you will need from a lifetime partner are trust, respect and communication, to underpin your loving togetherness, and to support it. Realise that people change, they never stay the way we met them, and that this is a right they have. As you have. compromise and engage, do not play subtle mind-games, but help one another grow, upholding the noble qualities of Philos, Eros and Agape. (the Meeting of Minds, the Meeting of Bodies and the Meeting of Souls.) one of these, in time, will become less and less important, and may disappear altogether. the important is that while that one diminishes, the others gain and flourish correspondingly.... Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 For me, there was a lot of trial and error, combined with introspection, that helped me figure out what I needed (and wanted!) in a mate. The better I knew myself, the better able I was to start filtering my dating prospects appropriately... by the same token, it was by dating a lot of different types of guys that I got to know myself better. (A little bit of chicken-and-egg there.) If you're in your twenties, the best thing I can suggest is that you have some fun along the way. Sure, companionship is important, but I hope you don't eye every first date as a potential husband. Let there be room for some lighthearted fun as you go along. I say this as someone who didn't meet her husband til age 36. I wasted a lot of time in my 20's and early 30's being all stressed out about relationships. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to relax, enjoy, and stop worrying because the right guy was definitely out there for me, I just had a windy path to travel before meeting him. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I am a woman and my longest relationship was 25 years; he made me, a neurotic, feel very safe and appreciated, but I knew that he found me more cute then most (all really) others, and I made sure to keep him happy at night. Is a hour of whoopee too much to expect!? No! This all might seem superficial were it not for a male friend recently telling me he goes for looks too. Marry a kind man, plodder with steady job, who will look after you (and kids) in sickness and in health. My 25 year man was a plodder; I always knew what he was up to. But some men look for wives just because they want a cook, seen that before now. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 ... and would it be intrusive to ask why you are not together now....? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) It was a gradual developing situation because once I went to college (as a mature student) I saw him differently. It fizzled out because I changed. Too, I stopped fancying him so much, though his looks were never a proirity - it was what Bob Dylan calls "shelter from the storm" that made me turn to him knowing we'd have fun. Edited December 28, 2011 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almond_Joy Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 For me, there was a lot of trial and error, combined with introspection, that helped me figure out what I needed (and wanted!) in a mate. The better I knew myself, the better able I was to start filtering my dating prospects appropriately... by the same token, it was by dating a lot of different types of guys that I got to know myself better. (A little bit of chicken-and-egg there.) If you're in your twenties, the best thing I can suggest is that you have some fun along the way. Sure, companionship is important, but I hope you don't eye every first date as a potential husband. Let there be room for some lighthearted fun as you go along. I say this as someone who didn't meet her husband til age 36. I wasted a lot of time in my 20's and early 30's being all stressed out about relationships. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to relax, enjoy, and stop worrying because the right guy was definitely out there for me, I just had a windy path to travel before meeting him. I'm trying so hard to just relax (trying hard to relax....is that an oxymoron of sorts? lol) and enjoy this experience for what it is now, instead of what it could be. That future thinking always gets me wound up, and sucks all the fun out of the present. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almond_Joy Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 Why don't you talk to your boyfriend about this? Because when I talk directly to someone about an issue between two of us that's really important to me, I don't communicate effectively. I get so nervous and worked up that I don't say everything I plan to, and the issue doesn't really get resolved or I don't get a clear answer. I do a lot better if I think about it for a long time, and get some other perspectives on the matter before I talk to the person I need to talk to. Now that I've done this, I feel like I'm ready to talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 For me, it was making a list for what I wanted in a relationship, not a person. When I got that relationship (right after making my list and believing I would!), it was easy to spot. I felt like some was trial and error --- the men I dated got progressively better for me over time --- but mostly, it was sitting down and really thinking, "What do I want?" and then believing it would come and come quickly. And it did. I basically followed the steps (in a slightly less corny way) from a book called "Meeting Your Half-Orange." . . . And I met him and just married him this month. Link to post Share on other sites
choppedkittens Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) It's a combination of introspection and trial and error, but mostly trial and error. In general, the approach I try to apply to problem solving and life is a combination of intuition and analytics. I don't believe in lists about what you want in a partner/relationship. Making a list is like making a plan before you're presented with all the details of a problem. It seems narrow-minded given the subtle complexities of people and how they interact. You can't anticipate all the variables ahead of time, and often better ideas will occur to you on the spot. Instead I believe in preparing yourself with lots of information/options, by collecting experiences and observing people carefully, and then deciding whether somebody is right for you when you actually spend time with them. Eventually you'll develop an intuitive sense for what works for you and what doesn't. It took me awhile to figure this out -- I used to love making lists. Every guy I've dated has felt more right than the last, so something is working. Edited December 28, 2011 by choppedkittens Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 practically speaking, you pick and choose based on your relationship with others, romantic or otherwise ~ you look at your folks' relationship with each other, your siblings and their spouses, your siblings' and yours, you and your friends, and you find those things you value and reject, and your "list" of desired attributes materializes. And you mentally size up the person you're with against that list (but not in a mean way!) to see if this is who you want to get involved with. Is he kind to me and to others? Does he feel uncomfortable expressing his feelings (especially love) with me? How does he treat his family? How does he get along with co-workers? is he considerate? Does he shoot his mouth off without thinking, then try to backtrack because he realize he's in deep doo-doo? What does he think about those things that are important to me (politics, faith, family, money, sex, etc)? speaking from the heart, though, you know when you know. When i met Mr. Q something in me said this was someone I could trust because he was a good man, and he had a kindness about him. And though I never, ever considered a long-term relationship (read: marriage) as a possibility because it meant losing my perceived independence, thinking about us waaaaayyyyy down the line didn't scare me. It was a sure feeling, so to speak. of course, the fact that he had fantastic blue eyes made him that much more appealing Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 I think through experience in relationships we learn more what it is we *don't* want. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 For me, there was a lot of trial and error, combined with introspection, that helped me figure out what I needed (and wanted!) in a mate. The better I knew myself, the better able I was to start filtering my dating prospects appropriately... by the same token, it was by dating a lot of different types of guys that I got to know myself better. (A little bit of chicken-and-egg there.) If you're in your twenties, the best thing I can suggest is that you have some fun along the way. Sure, companionship is important, but I hope you don't eye every first date as a potential husband. Let there be room for some lighthearted fun as you go along. I say this as someone who didn't meet her husband til age 36. I wasted a lot of time in my 20's and early 30's being all stressed out about relationships. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell myself to relax, enjoy, and stop worrying because the right guy was definitely out there for me, I just had a windy path to travel before meeting him. I like your post, it helped me Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 I think you need to give a lot of thought as to what type of man you would want long term. Think about what living with someone who was a free spirit, spontaneous, fly by the seat of his pants type of person would be like. What the pros and cons would be for living with that person. Think about what it would be like to be with someone who seldom talks to you, who you feel comfortable with, but don't feel a passion about, and what that would be like for the long term. Think about the qualities you must have in a man in order to make a relationship work. Some of the basics might be that he treats you with respect and kindness. That you both have similar values and perspectives on the important things in life. Then think about those things that you really desire in a man. That might be things like that he is motivated and passionate about life, that he cares about others, and is not just interested in himself or self absorbed, that he makes you feel joyful and excited to be with or to talk to, that he has some basic attributes that demonstrate his ability to achieve success in life. I think defining for yourself what you need and want in a man beforehand is important, and helps you to weed out the time wasting ones, and helps you to avoid those that don't have long term potential. I think when you have clearly in mind what you are looking for, it helps you to not get stuck or waste time in a relationship that will end up badly. If you just go with the flow without keeping your "list" in mind, then you will risk your heart and invest your heart in a relationship that is bound to fail. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't have the qualities you seek? It only delays you in finding someone who is what you are looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Almond_Joy Posted December 29, 2011 Author Share Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks everyone . This thread's given me some very good points on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki82 Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 He won't be perfect and have every trait. No one will. Don't let that trip you up. There should be a strong friendship as the foundation. No secrets. You says it's hard to talk about problems. You gotta work on that. You just have to. If you keep worrying about the future, you'll worry your life away. Don't waste your life! Enjoy it. Link to post Share on other sites
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