Wife not interested in sex any more. Need Avice.

[staceygirl]

I think this is sooo normal...give her some time... she sounds like she needs some pampering... surprise her w/ some pampering goodies like getting her hair or nails done, a massage at the spa!!etc.. give her a break from her everyday duties and of course from the kids!!! or plan a get away w/ just you and her!! have mom/dad watch the children for the week! a place you know she'll enjoy.

[Guest]

Well, me and my wife are 31 with 3 kids. After the 2nd kid my wife was less eager to have sex with me. After my 3rd kid was born the sex came to almost a stop. Every time I touch here to get her in the mood it's like she pushes me away. When we talk about sex she always claims well I'm right there for you. But in all fairness she's not there for me. I don't know when to make a move and when not to. I'm afraid that went I make a move she'll push me away. When she pushes me away I feel rejected. I told her how I felt when she pushes me away and she says "I don't push you away, I'm just tired" I understand that she gets tired but it seems like every time I want to fool around she's is more tired then when I don't want to fool around.

 

I really feel unattracted when she pushes me away. I also told her that and she responds with "honey I love you and you're not unattracted." I know she put on a little weight after the last baby and I tell her how pretty she is. I also tell her she's so sexy.

 

She knows I mean that also. So anyone got any advice?

ok look one tell her the wight dose not matter and you thank she is the most wonderful thing ever. then get a baby sitter [i know how hard that can be i have 2 kids ] take her out to dinner at dinner tell her you have never loved any one as much as you love her and no matter what she looks like you will always love her then tell her you know it is hard taking care of kids and she may need some time onlone. this will make her what you all over again.

 

tell her you would love to make love to her and when she feels like she and you can make time i would be an unfoegetable night.kiss her on the chech then tell her you love her you'll get some. [i would konw i was the some way and that is what my husben did now we are back to having sex.

[Pink_Tulip]

Married Tard- I was in a situation similar enough to yours a few years back that I can be sympathetic.

 

My husband, a great guy and wonderful father, fell into the trap of persuing his career at the expense of his family. It started slowly, but as it progressed, he became less and less interested in spending time with me and the kids, and more and more time at work or doing work at home. I would set up fun activities, trips to the zoo, days at the beach, etc. for the family, and IF he would go, he would either bring his laptop and ignore us, or make it clear he had been forced to go and was having a miserable time.

 

After a few years of this, I started personalizing it... maybe it was ME he didn't want, why doesn't he love ME anymore. My self esteem dropped off the charts. No matter how much I tried to talk, and yes I talked a LOT, he just didn't hear me. It felt like he just didn't care enough to hear me.

 

I met another man. Now, my self esteem was sooo low, I wasn't even thinking about an affair; it didn't occur to me that anyone would even WANT to have an affair with me, lol. This guy said all the right things, gave me TONS of attention, told me I was beautiful, smart, etc. Wanted to spend time with me, you get the idea. As my self esteem grew, I started getting more flirty with my husband, trying to use that spark I found again to pick things up with my marriage. I was met with the same complete and total disinterest. I gave it one final attempt with my husband, telling him I felt neglected and needed him to give me more attention. His response: 'You know thats not my personality,' with a roll of the eyes.

 

It was purely an emotional affair, however the only reason it never got to the point of being physical is b/c my husband saw the difference in me, and that I no longer spent my time trying to get his attention, but spent it talking on the phone and such with my new friend. He checked my email and saw what was going on. He obviously exploded, called me every name in the book, etc. Finally after sitting and dealing with his wrath for several minutes, I simply looked at him and said, 'Why do you even CARE??? You HATE me!' The look of shock on his face astounded me. Of course his response was, 'what are you talking about???' I told him about how I had been feeling, how I had tried talking to him about it, etc. His response: 'What?? Why didn't you TELL me all this!' HUH???

 

A year of counselling straightened a lot of this out and now I have the husband I married back. My point in telling this story is, that I sympathize with your situation. And even now when my therapist or husband asks me if I feel guilty for what happened, I say emphatically, NO! Where would I be if this other person hadn't come into my life and shown me that I was worth something? B/c I certainly didn't believe it before. I was so broken and beat down, it is embarassing to look back at myself at that time. I was just so desperate for that emotional connection, I craved it. I TRIED to get my husband to understand. How many times can you tell someone something if they don't want to hear it? Sometimes people, like my husband and your wife, need a much bigger wake up call than simply talking about feelings. I didn't have the resources before counselling to make it clear how I felt or what I needed. I wasn't strong enough or had enough self esteem to demand a change in our marriage. I just accepted that my husband no longer found me attractive, intelligent, etc, and that I was forcing him to spend time with someone he didn't want to, if that makes sense. When the other guy came along, it was like an addiction. I was so starving for that attention that I couldn't get enough.

 

I think you have to make a choice. You cannot go on like this much longer, and the longer you do, the harder it will be. If you decide to end your marriage, do it now. If you want to fix your marriage, set an appt for counselling and give your wife this wake up call. Maybe she will leave and blame you, but at least you tried. Or maybe she will finally see what you have been trying to tell her, and your marriage will end up stronger as a result.

 

I wish you the best.

[Ladyjane14]

How many times can you tell someone something if they don't want to hear it? Sometimes people, like my husband and your wife, need a much bigger wake up call than simply talking about feelings.

 

Exactly. Insightful post, Pink Tulip.

[uncool]

ok look one tell her the weight dose not matter and you think she is the most wonderful thing ever. then get a baby sitter [i know how hard that can be i have 2 kids ] take her out to dinner at dinner tell her you have never loved any one as much as you love her and no matter what she looks like you will always love her then tell her you know it is hard taking care of kids and she may need some time onlone. this will make her what you all over again.

 

tell her you would love to make love to her and when she feels like she and you can make time i would be an unfoegetable night.kiss her on the chech then tell her you love her you'll get some. [i would konw i was the some way and that is what my husben did now we are back to having sex.

 

 

Thats B.S. Maybe I should have married you then.

 

I just tried this on Saturday. It was our anniversary. I got her flowers. Then I got a sitter for the night, I booked a romantic gettaway. We went shopping to her favorite potterybarn store, had dinner at a nice restaraunt, then we went to a movie. After that we went back to a very nice hotel room. We both showered and got ready for the moment {or so i thought}. Then I had some fresh chocolate dipped strawberrys {her favorite} and champaign waiting for her. I then gave her a shoulder massage. I tried to kiss her and she blocked my kiss by pretending to wipe her mouth. I fed her the strawberrys, and lifted the drink to her lips. She drank the drink and ate the candy flicked on the TV, tied a double knot in her bathrobe (as not be undone) and fell asleep watching the news. It wasnt to soon that I realized that no sort of romance would develope hear and that i was being used by the woman I love. Talk about ripping a husbands heart out. I then grew some balls... got dressed and told her I'd be back to pick her up in the morning. She begged me not to go... but I told her how I couldnt go on and on w/out any form of romance or intimacy... and how my feelings were hurt...then walked out the door. So I slept out in the freezing cold car in the parking lot while she slept in the hotel room. Boy that was a fun ride home the next morning. She mentioned that she wouldnt want to be touched untill she lost some weight. (by the way...she's smokin hot and only weighs 130lbs after 4 kids) I mentioned she looked great and how gorgeous she was. The next night(last night) she went to bed with all her clothes on. (yeah like I'd really try to touch her after our anniversary night) It proved to me that even in the perfect of circumstance or evironments she's still not interested in me. Other that the good living I provide, the great father I am and the company I own. Note to self: don't ever take my wife out again unless I'm stupid.

[uncool]

ok look one tell her the weight dose not matter and you think she is the most wonderful thing ever. then get a baby sitter [i know how hard that can be i have 2 kids ] take her out to dinner at dinner tell her you have never loved any one as much as you love her and no matter what she looks like you will always love her then tell her you know it is hard taking care of kids and she may need some time onlone. this will make her what you all over again.

 

tell her you would love to make love to her and when she feels like she and you can make time i would be an unfoegetable night.kiss her on the chech then tell her you love her you'll get some. [i would konw i was the some way and that is what my husben did now we are back to having sex.

 

 

Thats B.S. Maybe I should have married you then. This just proves how women aren't the same

 

 

I just tried this on Saturday. It was our anniversary. I got her flowers. Then I got a sitter for the night, I booked a romantic gettaway. We went shopping to her favorite potterybarn store, had dinner at a nice restaraunt, then we went to a movie. After that we went back to a very nice hotel room. We both showered and got ready for the moment {or so i thought}. Then I had some fresh chocolate dipped strawberrys {her favorite} and champaign waiting for her. I then gave her a shoulder massage. I tried to kiss her and she blocked my kiss by pretending to wipe her mouth. I fed her the strawberrys, and lifted the drink to her lips. She drank the drink and ate the candy flicked on the TV, tied a double knot in her bathrobe (as not be undone) and fell asleep watching the news. It wasnt to soon that I realized that no sort of romance would develope hear and that i was being used by the woman I love. Talk about ripping a husbands heart out. I then grew some balls... got dressed and told her I'd be back to pick her up in the morning. She begged me not to go... but I told her how I couldnt go on and on w/out any form of attention... I asked her what was wrong and she said "nothing". I told her my feelings were hurt...then walked out the door. So I slept out in the freezing cold car in the parking lot while she slept in the hotel room. Boy that was a fun ride home the next morning. After some stiff silence I asked her once again to please communicate w/me. She mentioned that she wouldnt want to be touched untill she lost some weight. (by the way...she's smokin hot and only weighs 130lbs after 4 kids... and not even trying to lose weight. it feels like an excuse) I mentioned she was wrong and how she looked great and how gorgeous she was. The next night(last night) she went to bed with all her clothes on. So I just quietly got up and slept on the couch. I wouldnt want her to sleep with some pervert. (yeah like I'd really try to touch her after our anniversary night) It proved to me that even in the perfect of circumstance or evironments she's still not interested in me exept for the good living I provide, the great father I am and the company I own. Note to self: don't ever take my wife out again unless I'm stupid. I can't stand loving someone who doesnt love me back. I dont want to divorce her. I'm so sick to my stomach right now after this weekend... I cant even eat.

[MarriedTard]

Uncool,

 

That's bad. Very bad. You certainly can't be faulted for not trying 100% - damn!

 

Of course, I'm just waiting for some of the posters here to tell you it's still your fault ..

[gegee]

Your wife is not interested in sex because she does not feel sexy. Take this from me, I have been there. (never again!)

 

This is something you can do to help.....

 

Draw a bubble bath (add lighted candles for more romance) for your wife, and let her be ALONE for a good 5-10 minutes. If you have kids, this would be a good time put them to bed, give her a break and let her relax.

 

Then, go in and start to wash her, massage her, pay attention to her. I guarantee if you focus a night, just to her, pleasuring just her, you will see that she will want to return the favor.

[MarriedTard]

You must be joking. Are you suggesting he needs to try harder?? When does it all end?

 

Your wife is not interested in sex because she does not feel sexy. Take this from me, I have been there. (never again!)

 

This is something you can do to help.....

 

Draw a bubble bath (add lighted candles for more romance) for your wife, and let her be ALONE for a good 5-10 minutes. If you have kids, this would be a good time put them to bed, give her a break and let her relax.

 

Then, go in and start to wash her, massage her, pay attention to her. I guarantee if you focus a night, just to her, pleasuring just her, you will see that she will want to return the favor.

[BeFree]

Uncool you have tried your little heart out. Now just hand her a memebership to the gym.

[uncool]

Your wife is not interested in sex because she does not feel sexy. Take this from me, I have been there. (never again!)

 

This is something you can do to help.....

 

Draw a bubble bath (add lighted candles for more romance) for your wife, and let her be ALONE for a good 5-10 minutes. If you have kids, this would be a good time put them to bed, give her a break and let her relax.

 

Then, go in and start to wash her, massage her, pay attention to her. I guarantee if you focus a night, just to her, pleasuring just her, you will see that she will want to return the favor.

 

I view myself as Marriedtard maybe a year before he caved in.... still capable of making the right decisions without pulling the plug completely (Only I don't have a hot co-worker ready to just do me like you did)

 

gegee, thanks for being concerned and offering to help. I'd love to do the bath thing but she freaks out if i see her naked. (Remeber she thinks she's fat). Trust me I'd love to know what pleases her (besides sleep and tv and chocolate covered strawberries) Do you really think I ought to go for the rejection again so soon? or let some time pass? I'm not sure I'm in the mood now for "ok already...I'm sorry" sex.

She doesn't communicate at all and wont discuss anything. So today I'm thinking about writing her a letter about everything. I've never written her a letter before. Wish me luck. The end of the letter might go something like this: "I'm staying at the Marriott to think things over between us. You can call me if you really need me back and are ready to talk" then I'll deliver the letter with a red rose.

 

Also, This is my first marraige(of 12-years), am I over reacting? I was pretty upset at the time of my last post. Are there women reading this thread who relate to my wife and think she's fine and how this is a normal thing for a husband not to expect sex on their aniversary if its already been a month or so since our last moment? Because right now my wife is being her normal self and not acting any different or suspecting anything is wrong. She thinks I'm a big powter. Am I? Do I need to start throwing this crap in her face a little harder so she knows it's important to me? or just swallow my gut, start masterbating(which is against my Christian values), and save a marraige?

I think women should have testicles for a week or so they know the urges and needs that us men have a hard time fulfilling. I'd have those stupid things removed if it wasn't such a weird idea and turn me into a girly man.

[scarey]

Hmm. I try to avoid sex if I can with my husband.Why? He has been a control freak for 30 years-did not want me to have coffee with the neighbours or help out with Beavers, or school-although I did.Now he is a bit better.But I am in AA and he is resentful about the time spent going to meetings and working with others in the program-makes me feel guilty all the time.My part is I have tottaly lost the desire to communicate with him, let alone have him touch me.

[JamesM]

Uncool, if you cannot masturbate due to Christain values, you have a problem. The Christian vales I have been raised with and yes they are conservative don't ban this relief. I would suggest you look into if this really is banned.

 

I would also consider counseling for you. I am a little unsure about the gym membership if she has never gone. First, she will wonder why you are giving her one. Second, she may be too embarassed to go. I gave my wife one once ten years ago, and she loved it. We both used to go and share stories. Yes, things were different.

 

Right now, all things being done for your wife are viewed as a means to the end. You may have to convince of your love first.

 

MarriedTard, read the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I am currently readin this and find it full of relevant information. Reading your posts, I can see that you have done everything. I can also see that you have cheated. I do not condemn you for that, because (if you read my story) I am almost to that point as well. When you have been rejected for sexual advances by your wife and some woman walks up to you and says that you are sexy and I think you are special, then what is bound to happen? I agree. Society is quick to condemn you because you failed to keep up your commitment, while ignoring the fact that the only reason you were so weak is because the woman you married failed to keep her end of the commitment.

 

Let's start the Celibate Married Men's Club. We either will have alot of members...or none. Haven't figured out which way it will go.

[shan n]

If you need something very uplifting, not filthy, but very intimate and fun for both parties, you need to go buy the book "101 Nights of Grrreat Sex" by Laura Corn. You will BOTH love it. You should also read the introduction together. I hope this helps you out. I think you will both be so excited that you will make time to enjoy each other sexually.

ENJOY

Shan n

[uncool]

James, yeah was rejected again tonight after she disrobed in front of me(why am I suprised) and I'm ready to join your celibate club. For those following the thread, I gave the wife a 2page letter telling her of my feelings a few weeks ago. Got no verbal or written reply from the wife. She just invited me back to sleep in the "get-the-hell-away-from-me" bed. (like going back to a torture chamber)

 

-bought the 'sex starved marraige book'. It seems good, I wish it was geared more towards the husband being sex starved instead of the wife. Hope she see's me reading it.

 

-yes, I MB weekly after rejection. Despite what my religion teaches and the guilt, I would literally explode if I didn't. I should start doing it "before" the rejection. Hopefully I'll start slowly desensitizing myself from her and trying to force myself to not be in love with her as much. ..few more years of it I'll be able to ignore the pain and just move on without feeling crushed. Problem solved.

 

-Question: is it stupid to expect sex on your anniversary if everything is in place?

[Walk]

I think that the "reasons" attributed to an action can cause another person to react a certain way. The action may seem good, yet if the reason behind it seems selfish, it negates the action.

 

Here's an example... My exH and I got into a huge argument about our lack of sex, and how I felt as though he didn't appreciate my effort or work. He bought me roses the next day. Then wanted sex. To me, roses didn't resolve the problem. It cost $20, and a phone call. And my concerns were supposed to be completely taken care of at that point. As if they dissapeared. I saw the intention behind buying the roses as his way of taking the "easy" way out. Fork out some cash, he's done his part, so I should do mine, right? Spread 'em and make it good. uh.. no.

 

I see it the same as taking your wife to a fancy dinner and hotel. The action was good... the intention behind it seemed selfish. The reasoning behind taking her out was to get sex. How did she view the intentions behind the actions? Because that will decide whether or not she would be swayed by the actions. Did she feel that it was all done in order to get laid that night? Or were your actions done solely to make her happy?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if your wife feels that you're not doing things because you want to make her happy, but only to recieve what you want, then it isn't going to make her feel loved and valued. She'll feel used, and objectified. And at that point, you may as well have bought a prostitute. That's how she'll feel. Used. Bought and paid for. If you don't want to make her feel this way, then keep her problem/concern at the forefront of your thinking. And communicate with her that this is what you are doing. If you can't figure out what to do to solve the problem, or what you are doing isn't working, then sit back down and discuss it with her. This shows that you care. You've taken her concern seriously, and YOU bring it up first (without equating it to sex). I think your undervaluing the effectiveness of this. A lot of resentment and anger can be undone when your partner is willing to take some of the responsibility for correcting a problem. Think how you would feel if your wife were to come to you periodically and told you she is having a problem with her libido, and that she understands it affects you. That she wants to correct it and wants to talk to you about it. The good will that creates is amazing. We feel our partner understands us, and really has our best interest at heart. So do this for your partner, and tell her this is what you would like in return. And then do it. Not just for a week and forget it. I'm not saying be a martyr in this. The point should be to create a different way of interacting and talking to each other. You will simply be leading the change, as long as you are communicating this to her. Define your expectations on how your interactions will take place, and follow through on it.

 

 

And listen to Ladyjane!!!!!!! She's saying exactly what you have to do. This is what will work. Read, learn, do some searching on what it is you are trying to say to her. How you really feel. Not the same old, "I need a hole and your denying me". Half of what I hear on here is saying that, when that isn't what any of you mean at all. Learn how to say what you mean. If she isn't understanding, then define the words you are using. If you say you want more sex, she understands one thing, while you mean something completely different. Define your words so that both of you are in clear understanding of what you mean. No two people place exactly the same meaning on the same word. If there is miscommunication, it's usually because of this. Take the time, and effort to find better way to communicate what you mean. What usually happens is men say the same thing over and over, getting the same result, until they are so frustrated that they leave.

 

Getting through this is possible... if you actually put effort into it. My SO and I struggled through it, but came out with a deep level of understanding on both of our needs. And a much stronger sense of commitment to each other. It is possible. But it takes a hell of a lot of work, and talking, and opening your mind to other views, and thoughts. But one of you has to take the higher ground and attempt to change it. Not place all blame on your partner, and then whine and complain that nothing is changing.

[Pink_Tulip]

Very good points Walk.

 

I also wanted to say that, and this is from personal experience... Sometimes after years of feeling neglected somehow, women can build a huge chip on their shoulder. Say she has a need you haven't fulfilled- and yes she needs to be responsible for sharing that need. But the point is, after a few years, she has such a chip on her shoulder, that basically nothing you do will get in her good graces. I was the same way, it took counselling to get that chip off, and even now I have to constantly remind myself, that was THEN, this is NOW. Women are very emotional and have amazing memories. I can think back to the time we were having problems, and it FEELS like it is happening right now. Irrational? absolutely. Reality? Yep.

 

If she is still in a place where she can't see the here and now b/c she is stuck in the past, you need professional help. Make the appt. and go, with or without her. Hopefully she will see you are serious and come around.

[MarriedTard]

Let this go long enough and you too can be a regular poster on this board. Some of these married people have gone 3+ years without sex!

 

http://p080.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage

[Walk]

Success story with good information

 

Things to make sure you get clear:

 

1. Your in love, you are not angry, bitter, or resentful.

2. It’s not my problem, it’s not your problem, it’s OUR problem. And we ARE going to solve it that way.

3. If you are going to tell your SO where they went wrong you BEST DAMN KNOW to say where you went wrong too. It takes 2 not to tango.

4. Sex is harmless and fun we are weighing down with the walls we build around it and the shrines we build to it.

 

There are other parts of that thread that I think several of the men could learn from. So please read.

 

Success story 2

Good points in this one too.

 

There are more, but I'm sure you could put a little of your own effort into finding a good solution for your problem.

[uncool]

The reasoning behind taking her out was to get sex. How did she view the intentions behind the actions? Because that will decide whether or not she would be swayed by the actions. Did she feel that it was all done in order to get laid that night? Or were your actions done solely to make her happy?

Women have to be happy with things in order to want to share their love right? The reason for going all out on our anniversary is because that's what she said she needed to be happy. She's showing me she's not happy with my efforts to make her happy. We just sat and talked and laughed together. I never even asked for sex. Anything to show me she appreciates me is what I wanted. We've never made love on our wedding night or on any of our 12 anniversaries before. I told her It would be nice and she agreed with a smile.

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if your wife feels that you're not doing things because you want to make her happy, but only to recieve what you want, then it isn't going to make her feel loved and valued. She'll feel used, and objectified. And at that point, you may as well have bought a prostitute. That's how she'll feel. Used. Bought and paid for. .

I don't think that she's the one feeling used. She just doesn't seem to want to enjoy anything deeper than a friendship. At some point you'd think that she'd want to give back some love because she loves her husband and respects his emotional needs as well. I left her sleeping in bed at the hotel that night because I knew she preferred sleep over sex, and that I would be tempted to put a move on her since she's laying next to me half naked. I'd be temped to cross that invisible line drawn down the bed. I mean we talked and laughed for over an hour just laying next to each other that night, we flirted and gazed into each others eyes, the mood was right both our juices were flowing, then the brick wall slams down as if to say "thats enough".

 

 

keep her problem/concern at the forefront of your thinking. And communicate with her that this is what you are doing. If you can't figure out what to do to solve the problem, or what you are doing isn't working, then sit back down and discuss it with her. .

She won't talk. This is how she is. Thats why I'm going to ask her to attend MC w/me. I was just hoping this forum might suggest the right answers before I resorted to MC.

 

 

Think how you would feel if your wife were to come to you periodically and told you she is having a problem with her libido, and that she understands it affects you. That she wants to correct it and wants to talk to you about it. The good will that creates is amazing. .

yes that would be awesome. I'd actually feel like she cared.

 

 

We feel our partner understands us, and really has our best interest at heart. So do this for your partner, and tell her this is what you would like in return. And then do it..

I have spilled my guts to her. In return she said she doesn't want me next to her untill she's skinny again. That could be years in her mind. I reminded her she was already skinny... she's doing nothing about it even if she was fat.

 

 

Read, learn, do some searching on what it is you are trying to say to her. Not "I need a hole and your denying me".

Umm no, she told me this isn't what she thinks I'm saying. Bad stereotype.

 

 

No two people place exactly the same meaning on the same word. If there is miscommunication, it's usually because of this. Take the time, and effort to find better way to communicate what you mean. What usually happens is men say the same thing over and over, getting the same result, until they are so frustrated that they leave.

yes I think you hit the nail on the head. I'll focus more on this. Thank you for that insight. It means a lot when I'm struggling like this.

[SoleMate]

I'm truly sorry about the painful rejection you are suffering. Your loneliness and grief come through in every line. I dop hope you can find, or craft, a solution. And I do recommend The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. She has practical ideas. Unfortunately, not every situation can be fixed. I would hope for more honesty from your wife. I doubt if the weight loss is the true issue. I suspect anger or depression.

 

Good luck.

[Walk]

Women have to be happy with things in order to want to share their love right? The reason for going all out on our anniversary is because that's what she said she needed to be happy. She's showing me she's not happy with my efforts to make her happy. We just sat and talked and laughed together. I never even asked for sex. Anything to show me she appreciates me is what I wanted. We've never made love on our wedding night or on any of our 12 anniversaries before. I told her It would be nice and she agreed with a smile.

 

 

She won't talk. This is how she is. Thats why I'm going to ask her to attend MC w/me. I was just hoping this forum might suggest the right answers before I resorted to MC.

 

 

I have spilled my guts to her. In return she said she doesn't want me next to her untill she's skinny again. That could be years in her mind. I reminded her she was already skinny... she's doing nothing about it even if she was fat.

 

Just wondered... how long did you say you've been married? You said you haven't had sex on your anniversary for 12 years. Did you feel the last anniversary was different from any other anniversary? (Please don't take this as an insult, I'm just wondering if that's how you normally act for anniversary's or if this was above and beyond for you.)

 

Also wanted to say, I can understand (to a degree) how frustrating this is for you. I've had problems in the past with my SO lacking any kind of sex drive, and the rejection was horrible. Feeling undesirable, and unloved. It's hard to see it objectively.

 

I really feel that your wife needs to talk to a counselor. If she feels this badly about herself that she can't even allow you to touch her (130lb's is not fat) then she needs to get some help to attempt to see herself in a better light. I've had times where I've felt like your wife does regarding being too heavy, and it's not fun. It consumes my thinking, and I hate myself. I'm not able to give love, or recieve it, because my whole menatility is so wrapped up in how I horrible I feel about myself. If she honestly is this bothered by her weight, then maybe talking to a professional to help her self-esteem would be the best thing you could do for her right now. It's a horrible feeling, and one I have fought for decades. It never mattered how many people told me I looked fine, or good, I still hated myself. I get severely depressed, and it's a monumental effort to force myself out of it. Not easy.

 

If it's really the reason she's feeling so disconnected from you, then it needs to be addressed. It sounds like you've exhausted your alternatives, so see if a counselor can help re-direct her thinking and break her out of this irrational thought pattern.

[carmaenforcer]

uncool, would you ever consider going else where for sex and just giving your W the friendship she desires. Would she be cool with that, or is she one of those I don't ever want to give it to you but you better not get it anywhere else?

I think enough is enough when a person disregards another's need purposely with no remorse they forfeit the right to any say in the matter.

[uncool]

No I wouldnt consider going anywhere else for sex. Not my style. I'm starting to fantasize about it though...

 

Today I wrote my wife a second letter. Asking her why she ignored my first letter. And finally that stuborn women responded and told me there was no way in hell she'd talk to a marriage counselor. I also asked her why it had been 3 months since we had sex. She got pissed and said cause she felt cornered and said she just fell out of the habbit. Basically told me she loved me but "tough crap". Like I deserved it or something. She mentioned there was plenty of times when I could have had it... but that I chose to sleep on the couch instead. (duhhh the reason for the couch is because I knew she didnt want it and that I hated the rejection) So there's no positive signals when it's ok to have sex... but yet I'd better not push it either. WTF ?

I have such a stubborn and selfish wife... but I still love her to pieces... I think I might need meds now for depression. I can't imagine life without her... but yet cant go on much longer w/out a lover.

[Ladyjane14]

(....the reason for the couch is because I knew she didnt want it and that I hated the rejection) So there's no positive signals when it's ok to have sex... but yet I'd better not push it either.

 

Try to let go of the feelings of rejection. Let your wife carry her own baggage. This is a deficit that she brings to the marital relationship. Why are you taking responsibility for it?

 

Just ask her EVERY time you feel like there's a viable opportunity for sexual contact. Then when she says 'no'....go about your business. Sleep in your bed. Act natural. Try not to personalize it.

 

When you put the ball in her court....you make her responsible for it. She can no longer say to you that you never initiate. And she's forced to be 'the bad guy' who says 'no' all the time.

 

Meanwhile, you can talk to your doctor about the ADs and get a depression screening. When you're already suffering from depression....it makes all the other problems in your life look soooo much more daunting and undefeatable.