Wife not interested in sex any more. Need Avice.

[MarriedTard]

Hey, uncool - I'm afraid you're losing perspective here. You're considering putting anti-depressants in your otherwise healthy mind and body in order to withstand a sexless marriage better? Pull yourself together, man!

 

You are normal. Do you understand? Normal! It's your wife who is messed up here. And as unpopular as it may be for me to say this - you need to either leave this woman or get a mistress who appreciates you on the side. And if the wife finds out - just know that she'll have nothing to say in her defense. There is simply no rational justicfication I can think of to put up with this. She's supposed to be your wife ...!

 

It angers me to no end that television talk show "counselors" and some people here would have you even consider the notion that this is your fault or that you somehow need to put up with this.

 

Don't take the meds, please.

[JamesM]

MT, I am sorry but I must disagree with you here. I am in a similar situation like you and uncool, but when you love your wife as much as he does...and I do...leaving is not an option. All attempts at recovery must first be taken.

 

In my case, I think it is her depression and low thyroid levels that are causing the problem. As you may know, low libido can result from both. My wife also said...no more sex, but she certainly has softened on this statement...unfortunately, not much. And no, I wasn't sure she would. A new medicine is giving her hope...and me. Time will tell. By the way, I learned of this med because I vented on this website. I passed the info to her.

 

I am not sure of your relationship with your partner besides what you have posted, but many times both partners are at fault. If an illness is part or all of the problem, many times the ill person either may not realize it, or is helpless to fix it. It takes the healthy partner to "cowboy up" and bring hopeful solutions to her. To give her ultimatums may only make the situation worse.

 

And in uncool's case, he may need to research what all has caused her to be so antagonistic to sex. (Has she been abused?) But yes, I would recommend him to go to counselling. I know in his case, I would. Personally, I have not yet, but it is on my list. Right now, a solution seems to be in the works.

 

MT, marriage takes guts, hard work, and persistance. Many of us posting here definitely are in it for the long haul...including you...or we wouldn't be here. Trust me, I know of a number of Boards where I can "get some" and not work at my marriage. No, I have chosen to honor my vows try to fix it. You have also, or you would not have posted your story. A mistress sounds wonderful, but I think you and I would be posting new threads in the other section seeking different advice. LOL

 

Hey, I am in the boat with you and uncool. We need to persevere and look for solutions. I firmly believe that one is to be had. And when I lose that hope, I am afraid that I will check out of my marriage...physically or emotionally.

[MarriedTard]

I hear you - but I realized after too much time does run out. I spent 8 years - about half my marriage trying to figure out solutions to the problem. And once I hit 40, it hit me that I could easily be 50 and look back on 18 years of sparse, unsatisfying sex with my partner. I also realized that I'm responsible for being in this situation, but I'm not responsible nor in control of my wife's lack of willingness and desire for sex.

 

While I respect your perseverence and sincerity - I think anyone who has let things go this long is either in denial of the situation or is maybe co-dependent. There's maybe a psychological payoff to being the poor sexless hubby. The idea that somehow uncool is partly responsible sounds completely insane. Look at all he's tried to no avail. In my view, saying that is not much different that telling a wife that she's partly responsible for the beating she gets from her husband every week.

 

I think there does have to reach a point where you must draw the line and decide for yourself how much you're willing to take. I was shocked to see this messageboard http://p080.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage where there are men and women who have allowed themselves to go as long as 7 years without sex in their marriage. And yet they stay in hopes of things changing. Either that or they want pity from others in the same situation.

 

I'm sorry but there's just no way I'll let someone do that to me. And I'm really dumbfounded that others haven't spoken up and tried to talk uncool out of medicating himself out of the misery he's in. I just imagine the pain he's going through to even think of this.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm really dumbfounded that others haven't spoken up and tried to talk uncool out of medicating himself out of the misery he's in. I just imagine the pain he's going through to even think of this.

 

Getting a depression screening doesn't necessarily mean that Uncool will be put on medication. His doctor will make a diagnosis and recommend treatment as needed.

 

Heck, ANYONE who has reason to suspect that they may be suffering from depression should see their doctor and be screened. It only takes a few minutes, and who knows...the doc might even reassure him that he's just fine.

[uncool]

awwe shucks ya'll are so nice. I know I've cried and whined about it while posting in my deepest hours of despair. Hope the original poster doesn't care if we hijack his thread.... LOL

It's so nice for us deprived guys to have female points of view. So thanks to you FM's and thanks for your advice ladyjane. I was just reading one of your old replies from november '04 that was linked in the footnotes at the bottom of this page. That old thread was discussing ACTUAL POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS to some of these problems. It discussed trying the old "hard to get" theory. Someone mentioned not giving any affection(kisses, hugs or compliments) for one week untill she itiated it first. A celibate wife may view it as a godsend... or could hopefully might start missing her husbands attention and get scared and start giving some back. (I fear the godsend part) So I'm gonna try it. James and Tard should try it to. I know it sounds stupid but subconciously I think I'm finally starting to de-sensitize myself from her. It's killing me but I'm finally starting to think that maybe I could fall a little bit out of love from her. I'm sure it's what she wants. I don't know why some women don't want their husbands to be had by anyone else... but don't want them for themselves either. Just kinda want us to hang out in the "nobody's man" land. why is that? because I will belong to someone, it's how I'm wired.

 

As for the depression meds... I self medicated myself today.. (It wasn't a straitjacket and a trip to the castration shop). but today and on a whim I got a new girlfriend. Yep I just bought a new truck right off the lot. All $40k of her !! LOL... I know displacement is temporary, but since I don't drink it helps me get the mind off the wife temporarily.

 

Right now I've been around her 24/7 for the last several years. I'm thinking about moving my virtual home office out of the house and in to a building. Maybe she'll miss me more. I'll no longer be able to fix stuff, do chores, or watch the kids for her during a normal weekday. Plus I'd have a place to sleep if needs be.

[Ladyjane14]

It's killing me but I'm finally starting to think that maybe I could fall a little bit out of love from her. I'm sure it's what she wants.

 

I hope you recognize that statement as an assumption on your part. Unless she says to you, "Uncool....I don't want you to love me anymore", then you're putting words in her mouth, right?

 

I don't know why some women don't want their husbands to be had by anyone else... but don't want them for themselves either. Just kinda want us to hang out in the "nobody's man" land. why is that? because I will belong to someone, it's how I'm wired.

 

I wish I could wave a magic wand over your head and make you see that you are personalizing a behavior that's essentially your wife's problem. You're carrying her bags for her.

 

Yes, she has a responsibility to you sexually within the marriage. And she needs to see that....otherwise the marriage will eventually fail. Your only responsibility here in this one particular issue is to make sure that you're ASKING to have your ENs met. You know, if your wife was blind....you wouldn't sit back and watch her bump into the walls. You'd TELL HER as many times as it took that the walls were there.

 

You can put yourself out there without emotionally disconnecting from your partner if you will stop reacting to your wife's loss of libido as if it were a loss of her love for you.

 

There are sooooo many options available if you will look at this as a treatable problem. Although, I have to warn you, it's still a difficult problem. You know, when I talked to my GYN about it, she just told me that it was "normal for my age" and offered no treatment at all. So, you have to be creative in your problem-solving and you have to be persistant.

 

I think it a great idea btw, that you move your home office. Getting out into the world on a daily basis is a GOOD thing.

It gives you more to talk about when you're together at the end of the day. And more importantly....if you're building any resentment at all from being constantly available for the 'honey-do' list, it gives you an opportunity to nip those resentments in the bud.

[Guest]

Is there a possibility you put on weight with her as well? That happened to my husband - I got back into shape but he stayed fat and lazy, and the attitude that he didn't need to look good for me anymore really turned me off. We finally talked about it - it was a really painful conversation, but he has gotten back into the gym and is taking better care of himself. Even though he hasn't lost the weight, I am more attracted to him now because he's not lazy anymore.

[Marquis-de-Carabas]

Ok, so this will be more of a train-of-thought thing. I've read all the posts and seem to agree with lots of things. My husband and I have been married for over six years.

 

When my sex drive goes south, my husband will notice within a week. When you usually have sex at least once a week, if you don't...it gets noticed. That's when I say, "It seems that I've lost my libido, maybe you can help me find it." Sometimes we have sex to see if that helps (and suprisingly, sometimes it does!) and sometimes we just talk about what's been bothering me lately.

 

At some point about 8 months ago I was really, really stressed. I'm the kind of lady that recognizes my husband's need for sex may not be coinciding when I'm feeling that I want sex. So we have so-so sex...better than nothing. After being married for a while, you get to realize that as a couple the sex will not always be earth-shattering.

 

But then we're talking aftewards and I said, "I just want to feel like having sex with you is more than just taking another 'to do' off my daily list." I reassured my hubby that it was not anything that he'd done, but just all the crap that I was going through. That's KEY, make sure that if he's done nothing wrong, TELL HIM SO.

 

I can relate to another poster's comments about the dinner/sex relationship. Sometimes when you make a comment that something in your daily life is not good, getting a rose and dinner just makes you feel like you have to put out because he put out. That DOES make a lady feel like a prostitute, even though that is not what the guy intended. I know that it may not have been the intention, but that's just the way it goes.

 

In that case, I think that having a guy make dinner and talking while he's doing it will be actually better. Guys don't feel comfortable in face-to-face heartfelt conversations. I find we get the more important stuff out if we're doing something while having that talk. (Oh and don't wave a knife around while talking either...it makes guys nervous )

 

I do think that sometimes it does take a big slap in the face (figuratively, not really) to make a woman realize that her inability to have sex with her hubby will destroy their marriage. I do remember that after my son was born, I did not feel sexy at all. Especially if you're nursing and not sleeping. You feel like a big zombie cow...so unsexy. The extra weight ...well that never did come off. I've reassessed myself though, and now think that I have the great curves of a mature Mom instead of being some lithe young'un. Perhaps a guy can remind them that they find those curves sexy and not repulsive.

 

It's a daily thing to work through. If I'm not in the mood, I have to ask myself what is blocking that and work through it. I make sure that even if we're not in bed that my husband knows that I still find him sexy. I make sure to touch him now and again while we're wandering through the house. It's like keeping a connection with each other.

 

Ok, that's all I can think of now.

[portableversion]

sounds like you've done your fair share of 'duty sex'. I suppose you fake orgasms too, to make your man feel 'special'?.

[Marquis-de-Carabas]

I don't fake orgasms but

 

Ok, if you can lash out, so can I:

 

What would it matter to a guy if it's 'Duty sex' or not? At least they're getting some.

[Lonely Wife]

Well, me and my wife are 31 with 3 kids. After the 2nd kid my wife was less eager to have sex with me. After my 3rd kid was born the sex came to almost a stop. Every time I touch here to get her in the mood it's like she pushes me away. When we talk about sex she always claims well I'm right there for you. But in all fairness she's not there for me. I don't know when to make a move and when not to. I'm afraid that went I make a move she'll push me away. When she pushes me away I feel rejected. I told her how I felt when she pushes me away and she says "I don't push you away, I'm just tired" I understand that she gets tired but it seems like every time I want to fool around she's is more tired then when I don't want to fool around.

 

I really feel unattracted when she pushes me away. I also told her that and she responds with "honey I love you and you're not unattracted." I know she put on a little weight after the last baby and I tell her how pretty she is. I also tell her she's so sexy. She knows I mean that also. So anyone got any advice?

 

Hey Slick your wife is tired of taking care of everyone in that house. Take her away for a weeknd alone at hotel. Let her rest, then get some birth control and screw away. Also she maybe afraid of getting pregnant again-or scared of your dick. This is just a thoguht

[enoughisenough]

She's really uncomfortable over her physical appearance. So maybe if you made it less traumatizing, by turning off the lights and keeping the covers on both of you, she'd be more willing to do it.

 

 

Plus, some women are kind of even emabarrassed over their vagina not being so taut after a couple or few kids. Possibility.

 

Either way, this will be tough to correct.

 

How long after birth? She might be experiencing some sort of post-partum anxiety which will of course lessen the sex drive.

[Guest]

I posted this comment over at another thread because that is where my search first took me. Spending some more time tonight, I see that this thread is more on topic. The following expresses a similar situation to MeTard, but perhaps not as well. I too have done, Italy, France, Carribean, cook dinner, compliment. I spend weeks making a movie of our past together for a 30 anniv. Surprise party with her best friends at a waterfront restaurant. I have to say reading this thread mad me even more sad and somewhat angry. It is as if women’s emotional makeup, desires, complexities are all our responsibility. While there are some posters empathetic to the male position by and large the US has become a female dominated social culture where anything whatsoever can be said about a male at work, on TV and nothing can be said about women if it is negative without strong negative reaction. A poster on my original thread called me a dog. A dog who gave a woman over half my worldly goods which were the result of my work, my undying devotion and fidelity, gave her career and emotional support. And how is it so hard to understand that looking at your husband with disgust when he approaches you will drive him into another woman’s arms. Are we supposed to be total imbeciles and doormats to cold and unfeeling women. As in my post below and stated by MeTard and missed by many of you. This is not about orgasms alone. I paid a stripper just to let me hold her. I did not come. I just wanted her to stroke my face. I was like a sitcom. On Frazier Niles went to a manicurist he was so starved for touch. Boy I get that. I even look forward to haircuts and the dentist because a women cares enough to offer her time to help me look better. I do not know why this repeats itself marriage after marriage. But I do think no women should be surprised. I doubt many modern women told the men in their lives, after we are married, I will not want to have sex with you any longer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I found this thread because twice recently, I have gone to strip clubs and had encounters with strippers. Let me describe those encounters as a way of showing what can happen and a preview the reason I did this. At the first club, I turned down several requests to “play.” Finally a women sat and talked me a while and I went to the back with her. She hinted several times at getting that zipper down, but I sat for several songs and just hugged her almost naked body and nuzzled her hair, like teenage necking. She then wanted to ‘get the job done” and started grinding me, and I got up before the inevitable climax.

The second started similarly. Turned down a lot of silicone types and an older woman came over and stood in front of me, and ran her hand gently over my eyes and temples, saying she would provide the type of touch we all crave. That was it and I went in back with her. We talked and snuggled quite a bit before she danced. When she started dancing she invited me to touch her anywhere. And I touched her intimately. Before long her breasts were in my mouth and then she wrapped her mouth around, my organ, while I was still in my jeans. Again, that was the line, I did not want to cross and I left. So do not assume every strip club is just a place to watch pretty girls.

 

I write because I have mixed feelings about these experiences. I also know I could go back to either place for much more sexual activity. I am writing to the question of why? I make no issue with the original poster as she says she would have sex with her husband every night.

But as to those who unconditionally condemn going to strip clubs or using pornography and all men who do, let me try to provide (at risk of being ridiculed) to provide another viewpoint.

I have been married for 34 years. Aside from a few other strip club incidents there has been no affair or intercourse outside our marriage. I have gone to strip clubs perhaps 20 times in 34 years. I have come to realize there is a very definite pattern to my doing so.

My wife has essentially stopped having any interest in sexual or touching activity. Before the usual responses about how I am somehow to blame and in relation to the “marriage contract” that has been cited as reason for finding betrayal in marriage let me add that my wife has been the center of my life for this entire time. Other than my work, I have no other life than to be with her and support her. I support and help her with her career. I have totally built one house and remodeled two others to her specifications. Help out with housework, make good money, dress well, keep fit and hygienic. When we dated, she seemed to have no hesitancy to have sex. I of course was 35 years younger, but I now realize that while she had no hesitancy, she had no particular interest either despite being multi orgasmic.

After marriage she completely controlled the sexual agenda. I was turned down multiple times and stopped asking because it hurt so much. We went from 1 a week, 1 every 2 weeks, and now I go as long as 4 months without any sexual contact or even any meaningful hugging or snuggling. In addition for years she criticized me and tried to make me someone I was not. I eventually was so depressed I had suicidal thoughts and spent 5 years in constant therapy before I could resume a somewhat ok outlook in my life.

I still treat her like a princess, which she refers to herself but the physical life is dead. I have brought it up 3-4 times in 30 years. At one time I said I wanted to leave unless she stopped the carping and brought had interest in me sexually. We went to counseling and the carping stopped but the sexual droughts are even longer. She has no physical problems, she just does not care about physical touching.

When we do have sex, I have no interest in porn, strip clubs or even look at other women until the drought wears on. Eventually, I become obsessed with getting some stimulation. At my age, a my own hand just does not do it anymore. As this stripper touched me on my face and neck, I said over and over again, I wish I could get this at home.

I do not want a divorce, because,we are best friends and share a lot of history, joy and sorrow, but I cannot continue in this state either. I literally walk around at times with semen dripping involuntarily because of the unreleased tension.

So for now as awful as you may find this conduct, it keeps me from making a bigger mistake perhaps (like a prostitute or romantic affair) while I try to figure out how to deal with this. As for those who say all men are worthless, I suggest asking yourself how many people were sexual dynamos during dating and then turned to ice after some perceived slight from their devoted spouse. Is that any different than saying you do not do porn and then doing it? Is it not informing this person you have a healthy sexual appetite when you do not? How do you still make claim on a person’s physical fidelity when you have no physical relationship with that person? I do not get it. But the older I get the more sorrowful and angry at what I have missed and look forward to missing until the day I die. And my 15 minutes with that stripper was a gift to myself to and validation someone cannot have this kind of control over my happiness

 

 

 

,,,,,,,

 

 

Posts: n/a

 

I apologize if I was not clear. In no way do I think you should accept it, if you have a healthy sexual relationship. While I was obviously confused on many levels about my own actions, I was trying to make the point, that men are frequently blamed for their so's lack of sexual interest, without recognition that many of us knock ourselves out for our wives and still for their own reasons we are not able to enjoy a healthy physical relationship with them. Also I was not clear enough, that where the stripper got me, was with touching my face. My wifes total refusal to have any physical tenderness sends messages to me that I am not important to her. We frequently are told all the things that are important to women without recognition of what is important to us. Some how in our current gender wars it is miserable of a husband to refuse to listen to his wifes emotional needs and engage her in conversation, but for a husband to want a physical relationship is somehow less worthy. If I only wanted someone to converse with and share home duties with, I did not need a marriage. I wanted a fully dimensioned husband wife relationship and I indeed wanted monogamy for life. I never imagined I would be so lonely and hurting from rejection I would seek solace (sp) in this fashion. But I repeat, if you treat your so well, I agree you have every right to fidelity. My thinking is that if someone deprives their so of a dimension of a relationship whether physical, financial, emotional, I think that person is unfair to demand fidelity back in return in those terms. I am really hurting from these years of rejection and it gives me a different perspective. I love my wife and if I did not I would just leave, but she is hurting me and talking about it has not helped. Men are not always to blame or insatiable sexual beasts. Sometimes we are on the short end of an unfair relationship as well.

[aempoorboy]

It's possible Nur, I'm quite happily married with a great romantic life, a great family life and love the companionship my husband and I share. First, we leave our pride at the door, it's not about who wins and always about appreciating each other. Second, it's about sharing, staying interactive with each other often enough to maintain the connection at all levels, making sure that when we're together we always receive the other in a loving and kind way and never roll our eyes, or act as though we're somehow superior. Lastly, we keep our boundaries. We each maintain our level of self, me with my friends, him with his sports so that we never feel like we're sacrificing everything to be together. Simple tips from a 40+ year old.

[JamesM]

In case someone finds this thread by a search, I must add my final thoughts.

 

In my case, our sex life improved dramatically when my wife changed thyroid meds. Yep, nothing more. Well, I did have a talk that sex is very important to me, but I believe the meds are what did the trick. She also gained a better attitude about life and lost alot of pain she carried around. Physically, she feels better, and emotionally she acts better. We now have sex about once a week, and we both enjoy it.

 

Synthroid did not make my wife healthy. Thyrolar did. If you suspect that thyroid problems killed your or your wife's libido, go to drlowe.com.

[holding on]

Just a quick question. My wife said that she lost her libido too but after 2 years it turns out she realy has no more sexual desire for me. Is this how you felt or was it sex alltogether you had no intrest in?

[Horse]

I don't fake orgasms but

 

Ok, if you can lash out, so can I:

 

What would it matter to a guy if it's 'Duty sex' or not? At least they're getting some.

 

It's like when a guy pretends to listen to you, but you can tell that your words are going in one ear and out the other. There is no real communication. There is no real connection.

 

If sex was only about satisfying a physical need, then there wouldn't be much of a difference. For most of us, physical affection is the way we bond with our mate. If the woman is physically there, but mentally and emotionally detached, then there is no bonding. The man feels rejected and unloved.

 

It's not just about intercourse. I've noticed that when my wife isn't in the mood for sex, she is usually not in the mood for any physical affection, no kisses, no hugs. If I was getting affection in other forms, to sort of make up for the lack of sex, then the lack of sex would be easier to deal with.

 

It's the same reason that masterbation doesn't really work. It satisfies the physical need, but not the emotional need.

[JamesM]

I agree with Horse. Duty sex makes me angry. That is the one thing that is all I could get for the last four years prior to the thyroid medication change (and yes, the medication is still working).

 

As one guy mentioned, going to a strip club or prostitute is more satisfying than duty sex because you know what it is, and sometimes there is actually some interest on this stranger's part. And with a stranger, she CAN fake it and you actually may believe her. When it is your wife, then you know what she is really like and what "fake" is. Whenever we had duty sex, I felt cheap. I felt even sometimes that it was almost like rape. She would even ask, "Did you get what you wanted?" That statement when she said it, was a killer.

 

Most of our sex for that time...she says almost eight years, not four like I say...was not satisfying or enjoyable for her. And all it took to solve the problem was a pill. She also thought it was her emotional connection to me, her past abuse, etc. We were amazed that the thyroid could control so much of how she felt emotionally and physically.

 

Please if any guy here is not satisfied with the sex life...don't leave the marriage before you thoroughly research all possible reasons for her lack of libido. Don't assume because at 40, you will be at 50 feeling the same way. If I had left my wife at 40 because THAT is exactly how I felt, then I would have missed the best part of our marriage so far. Then I would have seen my wife in the arms of another man who may have had the patience to solve her loss of libido.

 

Wives, if you feel you are giving duty sex, please for the sake of your marriage find out why you do not enjoy sex. Don't assume it is not medical...and don't assume your thyroid is normal because the test TSH level says you are normal..for you this may not be normal. And if it is because you are so angry at your husband, please solve that anger. If he has betrayed you, then either "get over it," go to counselling, or leave. Staying together in anger isn't good. Life is too short for us all to continue together in such pain.

 

Slick, do you have an update?

[worriedsick]

 

Wives, if you feel you are giving duty sex, please for the sake of your marriage find out why you do not enjoy sex. quote]

 

Okay, if anyone has read any of the threads I have started, they would know why I don't like sex with my husband (he's grown fat and lazy with double standards in place regarding weight, expecting me to stay thin but he can get fat). Therefore, I typically am never in the mood for sex with him because his attitude that the "rules" apply only to me not only piss me off, but I do find him physically unappealing. However, I do love him very much and did I not, we would not be together now as we have had some rough spots in our marriage.

 

However, after reading many posts on this forum, I have come to realize that he sees sex as a way to confirm our love for each other so I have been trying to take that into account. The result has been "duty sex". I know he wants it so I give it to him but the whole time I am literally counting off the minutes until he finishes so I can get him off of me. I try to psych myself out that I do want it, but the whole time I'm just disgusted with him. The men say they don't want "duty sex". The message I'm getting here is that I damned if I do and damned if I don't. Which is better - constant rejection or duty sex? I ask because there is no way to fix the underlying problem because it is mostly in his court now, what with his crappy attitude and all. And I don't think counseling will help either, for those of you who are quick to throw that out. He thinks it's all crap and even if I convinced him to go, he wouldn't go with an open mind and would be doing it to pacify me, so why waste the money and time? I have tried to be as open as possible about how his disregard for my feelings about the double standard manifests itself as not wanting him and finding him more and more unattractive, and he flat out told me he does not care. He said he has accepted the fact that he's fat and really is done trying to get himself back. I just don't know what to do now.

[Horse]

Okay, if anyone has read any of the threads I have started, they would know why I don't like sex with my husband (he's grown fat and lazy with double standards in place regarding weight, expecting me to stay thin but he can get fat). Therefore, I typically am never in the mood for sex with him because his attitude that the "rules" apply only to me not only piss me off, but I do find him physically unappealing. However, I do love him very much and did I not, we would not be together now as we have had some rough spots in our marriage.

 

However, after reading many posts on this forum, I have come to realize that he sees sex as a way to confirm our love for each other so I have been trying to take that into account. The result has been "duty sex". I know he wants it so I give it to him but the whole time I am literally counting off the minutes until he finishes so I can get him off of me. I try to psych myself out that I do want it, but the whole time I'm just disgusted with him. The men say they don't want "duty sex". The message I'm getting here is that I damned if I do and damned if I don't. Which is better - constant rejection or duty sex? I ask because there is no way to fix the underlying problem because it is mostly in his court now, what with his crappy attitude and all. And I don't think counseling will help either, for those of you who are quick to throw that out. He thinks it's all crap and even if I convinced him to go, he wouldn't go with an open mind and would be doing it to pacify me, so why waste the money and time? I have tried to be as open as possible about how his disregard for my feelings about the double standard manifests itself as not wanting him and finding him more and more unattractive, and he flat out told me he does not care. He said he has accepted the fact that he's fat and really is done trying to get himself back. I just don't know what to do now.

 

He shouldn't expect you to want to have sex with him, if his actions (stuffing his face and sitting on the couch) are grossing you out. His words and actions are demonstrating a lack of love and respect for you. If I sat on my arse and neglected my wife, I would have to be a jerk to expect anything more than duty sex.

 

There are a lot of things that can put a woman out of the mood, but if the guy is doing everything he can to show his love and remain attractive to her, then duty sex is an insult. It's basically saying that no matter what you do, she will not be interested.

 

Your husband has a very simple solution for his problem. If he refuses to take action, then its on him.

[JamesM]

Of course, if can't tell the difference, then maybe you will be okay.

 

However, most guys can tell the difference...if they have had real sex...even if he doesn't say anything. He may also avoid the discussion because he knows it will lead to his weight. I have thought about your situation...I haven't replied to your thread, but I feel for you. He needs to improve himself if he expects better.

 

The other problem with you giving duty sex is that you not only lose out on the enjoymeny of sex, but you begin to hate sex and your husband. My thinking is that this can make you vulnerable for an affair. No, I won't say quick run to counseling, but if I were you and my wife disgusted me due to her size...and yes, she has the tendency to gain weight, but no, she isn't fat in my eyes....then my research would be "How can I encourage her/him to lose weight?" A thread for you may be to ask the Board that very question.

 

I don't think Slick is going to mind if we have hijacked his thread, because I am afraid he has left the building.

[worriedsick]

Of course, if can't tell the difference, then maybe you will be okay.

 

However, most guys can tell the difference...if they have had real sex...even if he doesn't say anything. He may also avoid the discussion because he knows it will lead to his weight. I have thought about your situation...I haven't replied to your thread, but I feel for you. He needs to improve himself if he expects better.

 

The other problem with you giving duty sex is that you not only lose out on the enjoymeny of sex, but you begin to hate sex and your husband. My thinking is that this can make you vulnerable for an affair. No, I won't say quick run to counseling, but if I were you and my wife disgusted me due to her size...and yes, she has the tendency to gain weight, but no, she isn't fat in my eyes....then my research would be "How can I encourage her/him to lose weight?" A thread for you may be to ask the Board that very question.

 

I don't think Slick is going to mind if we have hijacked his thread, because I am afraid he has left the building.

 

I think my H does know the difference, and like you said, doesn't bring it up because it's a whole can of worms he doesn't want to deal with. The last time we had sex, it felt very fake and gross to me. As I previously posted, we did finally have a very frank discussion about why we weren't have sex. I felt horrbile about how hurt he felt when I tried (gently) to tell him that his lazy attitude and body habitus were the reason I was so turned off. However, I thought that honesty was better than not telling him at all, that way there might be a chance to fix it. What bothers me most is the attitude because what I am hearing is that he didn't give a damn how I felt during sex, that basically it was my "job" to do him and love him regardless of how he acts.

 

Unfortunately, I have already reached the point where I do hate sex. I hate it when he even touches me now because I know what that means. He hardly ever shows any affection anyway unless it will lead to something. I have also asked him about that before, and he doesn't seem to notice. I literally can't even stand for him to touch any part of my body because he makes me feel dirty somehow. The strangest part is that I do actually like sex and get turned on very easily, however, whenever I remember that it's him I'll be having to have sex with, my sex drive turns off like a light switch. I try to psych myself out to enjoy it but it never works.

 

He has tried to compensate by doing nice things for me, but like other posters have said, that makes a woman feel like a bought and paid for prostitute. Instead of money, however, he's using "nice" tasks as tokens or something, and when he thinks he has accrued enough to make me happy, he tries to redeem them. It's like he can totally disregard the underlying attitude problem he has if he does everything else right. WRONG!!!

 

I have tried everything people have posted on here, from gym memberships (he already has one, money not well spent!), changing our eating habits, advising him about the health risks associated with obesity, expressing my concern that he won't be around when our child is older, etc. Nothing works - he just doesn't give a damn.

 

I feel crazy because I do love him so much, and I love his company. If he does by chance touch me and I know there's no chance it will lead to sex, like a kiss in the morning before leaving for work or a hug or something, I don't get repulsed and actually like it. But from what I've read on previous posts, even doing that could be sending him mixed messages.

 

It's just horrible to be married to someone you do love, but to be repulsed by the fact that they want you at the same time.

[dynomia]

well im only 19 my fiance is 32 but we get along fine now, when i first met him he wasnt as interested in sex as i was but i decided in using different teqniques, i suggested we go on holiday alone (he has 3 girls) so we did, nothing fancy just bout 100 miles from home in a tent and helped us a bit but then i decided to try other teqniques like sexual toys and clothing i mean now he's mad for it im the one thats getting tired out now lol.

 

he loves to see me dressed up in clothing n i love to see him in different clothing. it really does make a change to normal lifestyle

its worth a try

 

good luck mate

[JamesM]

I am not sure that a change of clothing will work here. I am going to have to read your thread on the subject.

 

Why does his weight turn you off? Is it his laziness? Ie Lack of motivation?

 

Is he unclean?

 

Let me read your thread...I probably should continue this conversation there.

 

In memory of Slick, we have revived his thread. Maybe he will return to us one day and give us an update on HIS situation.

[StayClose]

Which is better? Duty sex or contstant rejection?

 

The question I face on a regular basis is ""Which is better? Duty sex or Internet porn?"

 

For a few years I was pretty hooked on internet porn, and my wife complained about it. With a lot of work on my part, I broke the habit and sexually reconnected to my wife again, but after a few months her libido began to fade, "duty sex" 1-3 times a month is all we've had for months.

 

She's not tired from kids because we have no kids. She say's she's stressed by our financial situation (caused by a drop in HER income), the business that she runs and other stresses in life that everyone else has. I understand credit card debt being a reason to give up many things but sex doesn't have to be one of them.

 

So as each weekend approches, I try to gauge her mood of how sexual she might feel. When the sex is good (which hasn't happened since last year), it beats net porn hands down. But when my advances result in her saying "I have no interest in having sex with you!" or "Ok, if you really want to you can," or my part consists mostly of trying to hold the vibrator on the right spot until she tells me to put it in and finish.... A good porn site where I can immerse myself into the fantasy of being with someone who actually wants me can be very appealing.