tables turned or mind games again?

[headsashed]

So,my ex has heard through the grape vine that im with someone else,if i was with someone else id love to know about it lol,dunno were these stupid romours come from.

 

On tuesday my ex sent sent me a massive txt,i cant exactly remember all of what it said but ill try type some out.

Ive heard your with someone now,is it true? when i heard this it killed me it made me realise how much i do love you etc,i regret everything ive done and what ive become too. what really hurts me is it should be me ya sat cuddling with and not her,have you been to the club with her? Its like i dont want anyone else to have you but i dont know if i want you,it really does hurt and now im confused more than anything.... There was more but i cant really remember lol,i ignored that txt and the phone call after.

 

Yesterday she sent another long txt to which i ignored.

I take it you are with her then,i rang you yesterday because i wanted to talk,i was going to come down too even if you was with her and even if you said no i cant come down,i would have just come anyway. My dad said to me that ive made a big mistake when i dumped you,strange because he didnt like you at 1st. I think maybe i want to be with you dean but not like before,things would have to change,like go out with friends more together and not talk 24/7 and all that,i dont know,maybe we should take it slow and see what happens. I hope you reply.

 

so these are the 2 txts ive had,what is she playing at,ive stood strong and ignored them,i do love her still but she has hurt me way too much,especially after xmas eve,It feels like its her thats chasing now or is she just playing silly mind games to reel me back in,what do i do and how do i act because this time i dont want to fall back down.

[M2155]

Dude you know the answer to this:confused:. I'm sure you want to think tables turned but people DO NOT change overnight like that. Besides you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you until they "hear" you are with someone else.

 

She's pushing your buttons and probably just doesn't want anyone else to have you. It's very manipulative...which you already know. So ignore it. Even IF she's come to some realization (I.e. her other crazy efforts haven't worked), she hasn't changed a lick...which you already know.

[DannyT27]

I'd be careful dude there's always rumours summat similar happened to me and I was advised by a member here that this is a game... So just maintain NC.even if you are wit sum1 what's it got to do wit her seriously ? I'm 95% healed through no contact this time 8 weeks ago I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Was it you who had a date not long ago ? How did that go ?I'm looking forward to meeting new skirt

[headsashed]

Im ignoring all her efforts,for my own sake,it shouldnt have come to this romour for her to realise she wants to be with me,i believe its some kind of sick game,she wants me to stay single just so she can keep coming back when she pleases.

 

Danny,i did have a date,well kind of,but she let me down and the week after we ended up going out as friends,which was pretty good tbh,my ex hated this too lol,but oh well,she chose to be a dirty little skip rat lol.

[69ways]

Dude you know the answer to this:confused:. I'm sure you want to think tables turned but people DO NOT change overnight like that. Besides you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you until they "hear" you are with someone else.

 

She's pushing your buttons and probably just doesn't want anyone else to have you. It's very manipulative...which you already know. So ignore it. Even IF she's come to some realization (I.e. her other crazy efforts haven't worked), she hasn't changed a lick...which you already know.

 

I disagree on people changing.

My ex bought her engagement dress , called my mother in tears about i , visited common friend and she was flying happy.

Two days later we get into an argument and she left me a year ago.

People do change over night....................

[M2155]

@69ways I would be extremely surprised if your ex changed overnight like that, I would bet she had doubts or issues for a while and just couldn't bring herself to tell you:(

For the OP, she has sounded like drama since I've been posting here so my observation since the last post, she's still drama. You know what you're working with!

Edited December 29, 2011 by M2155

[Mack05]

Headsashed her behaviour has been very volatile since the relationship break up. If you get back together, the same thing will happen. Flip flopping and alot of pull push. I remember when my ex broke up with me in March. I was going through a very tough time in my life and I clung on to her for dear life, even though I knew in my heart she wasn't the right girl for me and was never going to be. I begged and pleaded and promised to make all these changes. In hindsight that was ridiculous, because I couldn't keep any promise to myself, let alone her. Until your ex resolves her issues, you cannot trust a single thing she says. They are just words. Sadly for people in love they cling onto words far too much when instead they should be viewing the bigger picture. How many people have gone back to ex's who promised them the world, promised them to change only to see the relationship fail again? Think about it.

 

I think some people can change. It requires self awareness (which is key) and the courage to follow your convictions. I believe it's possible, but it has to be done out of the confines of a relationship and there needs to be plenty of time given for that change to be real and permanent (otherwise you are just kidding yourself). She needs to accept that she has problems. She is looking to you for the solution (to fill her emotional gaps) and when she inevitably doesn't get it, she leaves you again. Only she can resolve what is wrong with her. If she keeps looking to you she is stopping you from living your life and causing you the same heartbreak over and over again.

 

You are not innocent here either. A stronger man, a more emotionally healthy man would have left this woman a long time ago. Yet here you are nearly 6 months later still involved in all the drama. You should have disconnected months ago and because you haven't you are still entwined in all of this. I think you are a good kid headsashed, but I would not be surprised one bit if she wears you down AGAIN and gets you back. She fears you are moving on, her safety net is leaving and now she in a state of panic. Classic behaviour from an emotionally unhealthy person. The thing is she probably believes what she is saying. Sadly she is writing cheques, she simply cannot cash. She is not a bad person. Just someone who needs to resolve her issues before being in a relationship with any man. If she doesn't focus on herself and heal (I would strongly suggest Therapy for this woman), she will continue to drag you down. The big question here is will you continue to allow it? I don't know..I hope you prove me wrong but you think way too much with the heart and not enough with the head..

Edited December 29, 2011 by Mack05

[headsashed]

Thanx mac and everyone else,i know im not innocent in all of this,i admit that,i should have let this girl go after a month of breaking up when i realised she wasnt coming back but everytime she slung her hook out i bit so to speak. Yes i should have listend to people on here that she was only using me as a safety net but i followed my heart and not my head,silly me. After i moved house and she came back she had me again and led me to believe she loved me and wanted to try make things work,i was wrong for letting her back. Xmas eve was the final straw,what she did was so wrong,she had no reason to ram it down my throat what she had done. Its took me until xmas eve to finally let go,even though it hurts, i know it only been 5 days but ive stood strong and this time i wont bow down to her.

 

Maybe she does believe her own words mack but i dont believe a word she says,i believe if i gave her another chance then she would only hurt me again,even if it was in 10 years time,she has issues and she has admitted this but that isnt my problem,she has to figure this out on her own because i dont want the heart break again, but will she try address and fix her own issues? i highly doubt that. All she would do is reel me back in,be happy for 5 mins then do it all over again and leave me picking up the pieces. This time im following my head and not my heart,ive not responded to her and never will,a month ago i would have. I dont want to be with a woman whom comes and goes as she pleases with no regards to how it makes me feel.

[Mack05]

headsashed I am very positive for you after reading this post. Here is a song(s) mate that helped me after my breakup in March..

 

 

 

Great Lyrics which I identified with. Bet you do too

Edited December 29, 2011 by Mack05

[headsashed]

headsashed I am very positive for you after reading this post. Here is a song(s) mate that helped me after my breakup in March..

 

 

 

Great Lyrics which I identified with. Bet you do too

 

good choice of songs mack and yay someone is posotive for me lol,1 thing i would love to know though is who the hell this girl is im supposed to be with,i hope shes super gorgeous with a heart of gold,a mansion and lives on a beach thats not in crappy england lol

[Mack05]

good choice of songs mack and yay someone is posotive for me lol,1 thing i would love to know though is who the hell this girl is im supposed to be with,i hope shes super gorgeous with a heart of gold,a mansion and lives on a beach thats not in crappy england lol

 

thats not asking for much . I am moving to Portugal in Feb to get away from the crappy weather . So I have obtained the beach part. Now I just need the woman you described above!

[headsashed]

Ive been to portugal when i was younger,wasnt too bad tbh,where u from now? and ye,dont we all want that sort of woman lol,instead we end up with heart breakers

[Mack05]

Ive been to portugal when i was younger,wasnt too bad tbh,where u from now? and ye,dont we all want that sort of woman lol,instead we end up with heart breakers

 

I'm irish, Lived in Dublin for 14 years on/off and now moving to the Algarve in Portugal which is probably my favourite place in the world. I invite all of LS over for a few beers and cocktails

[headsashed]

ill come if your paying haha,i went to algarve,a place call ollos dagwa,thats 100% how u dont spell it but its how its pronounced lol. Im in barnsley,northern england,14 miles from sheffield if you ever heard of that lol. Theres nothing in barnsley,even the football team is crap,yet i still go pay to watch them :S

[geegirl]

thats not asking for much . I am moving to Portugal in Feb to get away from the crappy weather . So I have obtained the beach part. Now I just need the woman you described above!

 

I'm sure the latter wouldn't be too hard to find!

[Mack05]

I'm sure the latter wouldn't be too hard to find!

 

its very hard Gee, but unless I sort myself out for once and for all this gorgeous woman with a heart of gold won't want me back. I could live without the mansion

[geegirl]

Its like i dont want anyone else to have you but i dont know if i want you,

 

She's telling you in black and white what her contact means. It's just her ego not wanting to let go. It's manipulative and selfish. If you loved someone or even cared about them but not enough to give them what they need, I am sure you would realize that the kind thing to do would be to let them go. But this has always been about her and what she wants. Never once has she ever considered the pain or hurt that you're dealing with. Rather than grant you peace and time to deal with it, which is what you do when you love/care about someone, she keeps it burning because she's emotionally disturbed and the only way she knows how to deal with her mess is to keep you wrestling in it with her. Get out Head.

 

And eventhough there is a possibility that you're seeing someone else 1) she only wants you on the side 2) has no respect for your need to move on 3) has zero emotional clarity as to whether to s*** or get off the pot but most importantly, is showing you over and over again that she has not and most likely will not change.

 

These are all power plays. Just as you're getting off track, she has to come back and lasso you in so you remain where she needs you to remain.

 

If she didn't hear a rumor, I wonder if she would have had this revelation.

 

At this point, you should be saying enough. Don't respond. God knows, maybe she's changed but after all that has happened, is it even worth the risk because even till now, she's still not sure. After all this she still wants to take it slow. I would bet that's her way of enticing you to say yes, only this time, taking it slow means she's got you by the balls on her terms once again. Stay away.

[wilsonx]

I am going to actually disagree on everyone's take of manipulative behavior here. FYI, there are no games being played. Read what she wrote, its the truth. You have to understand what type of person you are dealing with. You are dealing with a young person, who probably ended their first long term relationship and they are scared. They are just as lost and in the fog as you are. I believe that there are manipulators and *******s out there, I just dont think given your age and her age, she is.

 

After these past 7 months I quit seeing things black and white. There's two sides of this story. There's your side headsashed where I see me a year ago and not know how to communicate with girls/women and then theres her side trying to tell you what you are doing wrong. FYI women will do this their entire lives, show your or try to change you into what they want.

 

Lets go to the first text:

 

Ive heard your with someone now,is it true? when i heard this it killed me it made me realise how much i do love you etc,i regret everything ive done and what ive become too. what really hurts me is it should be me ya sat cuddling with and not her,have you been to the club with her? Its like i dont want anyone else to have you but i dont know if i want you,it really does hurt and now im confused more than anything....

There is nothing manipulative about this text, nothing. Let me say it again, nothing. She's telling you the truth. She regrets what shes done and the person shes become. Shes telling you her feelings. Shes also saying she "FEELS" jealous. The biggest part of this text that you missed. SHE IS CONFUSED. There is no manipulation there. She's lost without a map.

 

Now with me saying all this, its her job to find the map. You are in no way able to understand what shes saying or guide her because you are hurt and you are in self defense mode.

 

I take it you are with her then,i rang you yesterday because i wanted to talk,i was going to come down too even if you was with her and even if you said no i cant come down,i would have just come anyway. My dad said to me that ive made a big mistake when i dumped you,strange because he didnt like you at 1st. I think maybe i want to be with you dean but not like before,things would have to change,like go out with friends more together and not talk 24/7 and all that,i dont know,maybe we should take it slow and see what happens. I hope you reply.

This is the second text. Shes telling you everything that she was unhappy with in the relationship. She says if you 2 were to hang out again, you would have to change. Shes saying shes willing to give it another chance but you and her have to take it slow.

 

From an outsider looking in, she's telling you the problem. I saw the problem in your last posts. There are 2 problems, 1 you dont understand what she saying 2 You are wounded. If I was you, I would break NC and tell her straight up, "I am hurt right now, I understand what you are saying, but we can not talk or hang out until, this goes away". This sets a clear non defensive boundary to her which she will understand.

 

Then go focus on healing and living your life

 

As a side note, we as people tend to label things that we do not understand, its like a self defense mechanism to prevent us from being hurt or hurt further. When you start to understand and put yourself in other people's shoes, things just start to make sense and the world is not black and white.

Edited December 29, 2011 by wilsonx

[EgoJoe]

Wilson...I uh...I mean you have some valid points there but I think they are underscored by the fact that even in a relationship someone else's feelings are only a slight responsibility to their partner.

 

Outside of a relationship he is not responsible for her feelings. She's confused, scared, hurt etc. too bad. She put him through the ringer and is now being selfish.

 

OP: Tell her to take a long walk off of a short bridge.

[Mack05]

Wilson Kudos for evolving into a new man and learning and heeding leasons. I didn't post anything about manipulation. I don't know enough about the situation to form one opinion or another. What I am saying is that she is clearly a woman with personal issues. Until these personal issues get resolved, then it is very hard to be in a healthy relationship with her. Her behaviour has been erractic to say the least. That is not black and white thinking, that is a clear and obvious fact.

 

There is a vicious cycle occuring here Wilson. Headsashed needs to break free of it for his own well being. I agree with you, that she actually believes what she is saying, but only 'RIGHT NOW'. Because she is clearly an emotionally unhealthy lady, this opinion/change of heart (whatever you want to call it) may change in a few weeks, months, years down the line but the one thing that is guarenteed, is that it will change. If Headsashed couldnt fill the emotional gap before within her, he won't be able to do it again if they reconnect. Why? Because neither of them, will have understood or learnt why the relationship failed in the first place. My therapist once told me that it is very hard to be in a loving nourishing relationship, if you are not happy within yourself. This is something I strongly agree with. Maybe that's black and white thinking, but it is the opinion of a professional and in the main I totally agree with it.

 

From an outsider looking in, she's telling you the problem. I saw the problem in your last posts. There are 2 problems, 1 you dont understand what she saying 2 You are wounded. If I was you, I would break NC and tell her straight up, "I am hurt right now, I understand what you are saying, but we can not talk or hang out until, this goes away". This sets a clear non defensive boundary to her which she will understand.

 

Then go focus on healing and living your life

 

As a side note, we as people tend to label things that we do not understand, its like a self defense mechanism to prevent us from being hurt or hurt further. When you start to understand and put yourself in other people's shoes, things just start to make sense and the world is not black and white.

 

This is a very naive way of looking at things. Headsashed could send that text, but if you have read his story there is no way in hell this girl says cool "no worries take care". Her behaviour is all over the place. She has previously wanted headsashed to fill an emotional gap within her and when he couldn't do that, she wanted him there as a safety blanket. This woman is scared *****less of facing the world on her own, but this is not Headsashed problem. It is not up to him to be her security blanket. The fall back guy. It was only when she thought he had moved on, did she send those desperation texts and thats what they are. Texts from a desperate woman who feels the one constant thing in her life the past few years is slipping away. If he goes back it will fail. I have no doubt in my mind about this.

 

She needs to face the fear on her own and conquer her personal demons. There is no secret code that needs to be broken. To me its very obvious...

Edited December 29, 2011 by Mack05

[wilsonx]

Mack I agree with you but I also want to show you something, look at his last set of posts and how he messaged her. He messaged her with anger resentment hate. What happens as a kid when someone treats you like this, they return in kind. They treat you with anger resentment and hate.

 

My text comment wasnt naive, it was showing empathy saying that he understands how she feels, now she is going to respond with empathy back to him.

 

Treat others how you want to be treated. You show empathy towards one person, they will show empathy back. Show them love, they will show love back, treat them with anger hate and resentment, they will show you anger hate and resentment back

[Mack05]

Treat others how you want to be treated. You show empathy towards one person, they will show empathy back. Show them love, they will show love back, treat them with anger hate and resentment, they will show you anger hate and resentment back

 

This works perfectly when you have to two happy, thoughtful, unselfish, emotionally healthy people in a relationship. When you have one or both partners not emotional healthy you can throw this theory right out the window, because you can be sure one or both of the partners will not regulary behave in the correct way for the relationship to be a long term success. They are bringing their unhappiness into the relationship and this is where resentment starts and begins to build.

 

In an ideal world Wilson your theory is correct but this is not an ideal world.

[wilsonx]

This works perfectly when you have to two happy, thoughtful, unselfish, emotionally healthy people in a relationship. When you have one or both partners not emotional healthy you can throw this theory right out the window, because you can be sure one or both of the partners will not regulary behave in the correct way for the relationship to be a long term success. They are bringing their unhappiness into the relationship and this is where resentment starts and begins to build.

 

In an ideal world Wilson your theory is correct but this is not an ideal world.

 

Actually it does work, I met with my ex on Thursday, showed empathy and love towards her, guess what she returned?

 

Empathy and love. Try it sometime.

 

There was absolutely no hate or resentment because I showed none. You just have to be the bigger person. Be that light that shines even when you are hurt. I got her from saying that we would never be friends to bring up the possibility of us being friends. I never even brought it up either, she was talking to herself

[Mack05]

Actually it does work, I met with my ex on Thursday, showed empathy and love towards her, guess what she returned?

 

Empathy and love. Try it sometime.

 

There was absolutely no hate or resentment because I showed none. You just have to be the bigger person. Be that light that shines even when you are hurt.

 

Won't even dignify that with a response. You don't know me or my circumstances so you have no right to assume or judge me. You want to piss me off? Then a comment like that is the right way to go about it. I have for ALONG time preached forgiveness on this site...To be the bigger person.

 

Im sure I could do the same with my ex. Meet up and be nice. Doesnt mean it would work if we ever get back together. Showing empathy and love 24/7 365 is great in theory, but life is not simple. If it was we would all hold hands singing 'Imagine' from John Lennon everyday..

[wilsonx]

So in me understanding you, why would a comment like that piss you off?

 

Never mind I actually know why it pisses you off, because you dont agree with it