Priority and Jealous

[Lovelybird]

Married couples:

 

I have a question. Do your husband put you in the first priority in his list?

 

My current boyfriend is very close to his family, and his family members ask him for help all the time. I liked the fact he is close to his family, but same time I felt I became lower priority than his family members. On this Christmas family gathering, his little sister asked him to help her with many things, and he left me alone almost whole time when we were there. I felt like his sister tried to compete with me with his attentions. They were very very close. The first day when we meet in his family, his little sister got very drunk, he looked at her with sad eyes. I thought his sister might not like I and him being together, I felt like she might not like me, thought there is weird thing going on between them. Am I going somewhere completely make no sense?

 

So, do your husband or wife put you in the first place?

 

Or do you think I am asking too much for attention?

 

I cannot stand my boyfriend put me in lower priority, I was treated as the last when I grew up, I certainly don't want this again now.

 

Should I break up with him over this?

 

Oh, there is another thing, he sent me back on a heavy rain day, said he wanted to spend time with his son. I want him to spend time with his son, but hated he informed me at last minute, in a bad weather like that, I need to drive 3.5 hours to get back. I was so heart borken over this. He apologized when I was on the road, but I hardly can believe he loves me as he said, his action to me doesn't speak the same.

Edited December 29, 2011 by Lovelybird

[Snowflower]

IMO, you have a serious problem within your relationship.

 

Have you spoken to your BF about this? If so, what does he say? Does he agree to pay more attention but does not ultimately do that? Does he try to blame you for being insecure?

[Lovelybird]

What is the serious problem?

 

I haven't told him about the mother and sister competition thing yet. but i told him I am very angery with the way he sent me back in a heavy rain.

 

The other day, he tried to fix something for his mother in order to make her happy, we went to his mother's house at 10:00pm, and he worked there until 12:00am. he said if he don't fix it, his mother will be pissed off. The whole time I curled up in a sofa, tired and felt pain in my belly. and he didn't pay attention to that. I asked him if he cannot fix it, does he want to fix it whole night? he said yes. I was majorly pissed. I am not trying to make him not help his mother or sister, just that when he does that, he completely forgot about me. like I am not as important.

 

His brother's wife and his mother has major conflict, so his brother's wife made his brother distant from his family, went to another state that is far from them. I guess my bf is trying to show his mother and sister, he is different? and I am the sacrifice in this. or he doesn't really care about me

[2sunny]

Whether he cares or not is beside the point. This R isn't happy for you.

 

Time to end things when it makes YOU unhappy.

 

YOU have choices... Make choices that bring happiness.

[whichwayisup]

Are you two living together? How long have you been with him? this make a difference.

[Lovelybird]

Sunny, there are some things more important than happiness? besides, it is complicated, certainly we have good times, he makes me laugh a lot.

 

whichway, we don't live together, we meet once a week but in holiday I go to his place. we have been dating for almost 6 months. Do you mean that it is rightful for him to put his family first just because we date shortly?

 

I feel difficult to handle this, in general I am a jealous type of person, I cannot picture in a marriage constantly treated as a lower priority.

[whichwayisup]

Sunny, there are some things more important than happiness? besides, it is complicated, certainly we have good times, he makes me laugh a lot.

 

whichway, we don't live together, we meet once a week but in holiday I go to his place. we have been dating for almost 6 months. Do you mean that it is rightful for him to put his family first just because we date shortly?

 

I feel difficult to handle this, in general I am a jealous type of person, I cannot picture in a marriage constantly treated as a lower priority.

 

You are boyfriend/girlfriend, 6 months together and only see him once a week. Sounds like you're not involved in eachothers daily lives like a couple who lives together or is married. Yes, that counts and is a big difference. I think your expectation level is really high.

 

Instead of getting upset about this, INVOLVE yourself with his family! Talk to his mom and sister, get to know them, offer to help out, laugh and be silly.. You make it sound like he goes off and does whatever in the house and you sit there sulking, sad and alone, ignoring everybody and they ignore you. Is that the case?

[2sunny]

Jealousy and control are fear based emotions. Not useful as you can't control him - you can control YOURELF!

 

May I ask what nationality you originate from?

 

Six months - that's nothing! I didn't make such demands on my husband and how he CHOSE to spend his time - even after YEARS of M!

 

IF you think dating is about the other person doing EVERYTHING for YOU - you have this backwards. YOU need to provide YOURSELF that happiness - stop looking outside of self... It will never be found in others.

 

Control, anger, jealousy - all negative character traits. How can YOU change all that fear?

 

It's up to YOU to change it - not HIM!!!

[Lovelybird]

You are boyfriend/girlfriend, 6 months together and only see him once a week. Sounds like you're not involved in eachothers daily lives like a couple who lives together or is married. Yes, that counts and is a big difference. I think your expectation level is really high.

 

Instead of getting upset about this, INVOLVE yourself with his family! Talk to his mom and sister, get to know them, offer to help out, laugh and be silly.. You make it sound like he goes off and does whatever in the house and you sit there sulking, sad and alone, ignoring everybody and they ignore you. Is that the case?

Yes, it is exactly the case although I tried. He said he wants me to socialize with his family. I know I should grow up in a sense, still feel he ignored me too much when his family involved. Even his mother told him several times "you need to be with lovelybird"

[Lovelybird]

Jealousy and control are fear based emotions. Not useful as you can't control him - you can control YOURELF!

 

May I ask what nationality you originate from?

 

Six months - that's nothing! I didn't make such demands on my husband and how he CHOSE to spend his time - even after YEARS of M!

 

IF you think dating is about the other person doing EVERYTHING for YOU - you have this backwards. YOU need to provide YOURSELF that happiness - stop looking outside of self... It will never be found in others.

 

Control, anger, jealousy - all negative character traits. How can YOU change all that fear?

 

It's up to YOU to change it - not HIM!!!

Maybe you are right. I was ok before met him. and very happy with him except of some moments like this.

 

so you think what he did was not wrong?

 

I am from China

Edited December 29, 2011 by Lovelybird

[2sunny]

If what he's doing seems right to HIM - it makes no difference what anyone else thinks about what he does...HE thinks it's right!

 

IF you don't like it - you either accept it and stop complaining about it or leave.

 

It's YOUR choice.

 

Where are you from??? That you've learned such a sense of entitlement so early in a R.

 

You don't own him... You will push him away with such control issues.

[2sunny]

He SHOULD have them as his priority. They've been around a lot longer than you.

[bigmomma1974]

I may sound a little blunt and rude here but Grow-Up. First off kids come way before anyone in my opinion. secondly yea it was a crappy long drive last minute thing but seriously maybe the oppurtunity just came up to where he could get extra time with his son. He apologized either accept it get over it move on or leave him. Also talk to him, express these concerns. I myself see you as a very insecure person and this is something you need to work on, Jealous will only drift a partner further away and really has no place in a relationship. I like quality time with my man as well, but when we go to family gatherings he hangs with his brothers, sister or mom and dad. I am fine with this and just socialize with whom ever is around. This to me is great! YOu either need to figure out if you can deal with this stuff or move on. I do not see anything wrong with this mans behaviour. Of course this is my opinion. By the way how old are the both of you?

[Lovelybird]

No need to be so harsh on me. I already told you I have some issues, but who doesn't?

 

even we dated for a short period of time, it is still cold to inform me at last minute, and sent me home in a horrible weather.

 

Dating should be a prelusory of future life-marriage. If he cannot treat me as first priority when we are dating and high chemical effects, how can I expect him treat me better in future?

[2sunny]

Dump him if you don't like it.

 

Nothing harsh about being honest.

[2sunny]

Even WHEN you ARE married - you need to understand... YOU can't possibly expect to be ANY mans constant focus!

 

Be realistic. Get busy yourself... Work a LOT, make a valuable life for yourself - make yourself a priority... Earn respect for yourself instead of looking outside of your physical being.

[Lovelybird]

I feel like a cold hearted woman, right now he has a serious medical concern. It is like I don't have choice anymore, if I do, then I am a cold hearted woman no matter how I feel when he treated me less. Maybe he didn't intent to hurt me, but I feel pain when he treated me less respectfully or less important

Edited December 29, 2011 by Lovelybird

[bigmomma1974]

sometimes being honest about something may sound harsh to those looking for advice. I hate to say this cause you may take it as me being harsh but a parents first priorty is there child not their girlfriend. Also if you dont wanna play second best to him time to move on but you will find that if you date other men with children them children come first. Maybe he isn't feeling you and doesn't know how to put it to you. So it is over all your choice either you take him as he is or move on.

[Lexygirl]

I absolutely agree with bigmomma regarding the fact that any person should put their children first.

I also want to address the fact that when you are in a relationship, you need to see that balance is the key. There will always be other ppl around and family is important.

The next key thing is communication.... proper communication..... not whining, not yelling but being assertive in communicating your needs.

[Lovelybird]

His son is 17 y/o. And I agree with about he should take care of his child. That boy experienced divorce since he was little and his mom and step dad were busy with their works, seldom paid attention to him. He is a good boy.

 

I even told my bf he should spend more time with his son cause his son came up here spending Christmas, don't let his son feel he is not welcomed.

 

His son and I are cool. not the problem

 

What I cannot forgive right now is the way he neglected me whenever his mom or sister around. The whole night on the party he only had been there with me like 10 minutes, and whole time he was helping his sister. And on the next day he informed me I need to go back on the morning on the heavy rain day. Oh, his little sister told him after the party that she needs him to come over to take the Christmas lights off the next day (so I thought the next morning after the rude note going back, he may want me to go back and so he can go to his sister's place). She always has things for him to do. I mean I only come up for couple of days, and you have whole time with him and ask him to do things, why pick the time I were there?

 

I have heard that a little sister wanted to own her brother all by herself, so she doesn't want her brother get married, and that man hasn't gotten married once at age of 50. maybe this is the case for my bf also

 

I think I know what I should do now.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Lovelybird

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I differ from most of you on this situation.

 

These two are in a LDR (3.5 hours drive apart, seeing one another 1 X per week).

 

I think that if he can't prioritize their time together for this ONE time per week, he is not thinking very seriously about the relationship.

 

He has the rest of the week to focus on his family members with the OP nowhere in the picture AT ALL.

 

If they shared everyday life regularly, I would feel differently.

 

I do agree that the feeling of jealousy is out of place.

 

Bottom line is, if he is not willing to put a LOT into developing this relationship when you can only spend a little time together, then I don't think it's going to work long term. Your feelings of jealousy are not going to help.

[2sunny]

He definitely seems to have other priorities. Since they done match to yours - it may be time to look for a man that makes plenty of time for you - maybe someone who lives close by.