Ex-Girlfriend has begun calling again

[estakado]

So I am finally sleeping through the night now and soon...very soon I will stop sleeping on my couch and move back into my bed...which used to be "our bed". Funny thing happend today, I didnt think about her at all till like now and maybe a lil bit before, just like lil flashes of wondering what she is doing. Whenever I think about her or start to think about her, I immediatly think of something else like what are new movies coming out, DVD's to watch, paintball to play, job assignments....ANYTHING to keep my mind off her...AND IT IS WORKING, really I get alot of stuff done.

 

Before I met my ex, I used to be real independent, dating occasionally, hard working, money saving, fun having dude.....somehow I just got real comfty and I let my feelings and intentions out in the open, somehow she musta thought that I was a book that was read and that there wasnt anything about me that she could learn or be interested in. Life with me musta got to be routine and I really cant blame her too much because there are alot of things about me that she had to deal with...maybe she didnt want to deal with them anymore.

 

Now I am not trying to say that I deserved her leaving me and/or try and get pity or feel sorry for myself, but I believe that I did all that I could within my means and beyond to make her happy and feel special.

 

On your end, you just have to give it time. Hope for the best and expect the worst...dont hold out for hope too long because you will depend on something that isnt there and you waste time waiting when you might prolly have someone else that will love you better somewhere out there. She could be in your town now....you just never met her yet because your head it down. Keep your head up! Take time for yourself.

[Blah Toolz]

Haven't talked to my ex in exactly a month now... haven't seen her in longer than that. I thought I was going to run into her on the 4th of July... but I ended up going out of state with some buddies to a huge house party. That was actually pretty bomb... and there was plenty of eye candy.

 

I think about her a lot less... and when I do think about her, it's less painful. The memories aren't quite as painful either. Starting to talk to a lot of girls now... but most importantly, I'm able to chill out by myself and not feel worthless like I did at first.

[estakado]

Yeah getting numb now when i think about her, its like my heart doesnt know what to do or feel about her anymore. Its a weird feeling...I dunno yet whether to accept it or just try and hold on leaving a space for her in my heart. Things are getting better though, and I will make it through this month intact, I am still hoping for vacation around Sept or Oct to reward myself for making it through.

 

BT how are the weights bruh? Also what else is going on over there? Anyone else over here feeling down?

[Blah Toolz]

Weight lifting is going well... I take it seriously, I always have. It seemed like when I was with my ex-girl, she would always complain that I would go to the gym too much, stuff like that... but I figure if it made me happy, wouldn't she want me to do something that made me happy as well? Wouldn't she rather me be doing something like that then far worse things that I could have been doing?

 

Heh, still a little resentful I guess. But yeah, going well. Still at my goal bodyfat of around 7% now, and I'm still making gains in all my lifts. Hit a goal of 405 on the squat yesterday, and am close to my goal of benching 350 now.

[estakado]

dam dude you are Hulking out! Keep at it bro and let me know if you going to competitions, I heard that the Vegas ones are crazy with alot of after parties for the event people.

 

Yeah I'm still on my running schedule on my end and I just went out on another date with a new girl today. I dunno, I guess my heart is still not working right because I still may have some strong feelings left. Somehow I feel kinda guilty when going out on dates...I dunno why, I mean I am 2 and 1/2 months into this being a free man and I heard that my ex tried to call me a couple days ago when I wasnt home. I hate feeling like this, I feel that I have every right to go out and enjoy myself and enjoy the rest of my life, but my stupid love for her keeps me bound somehow.

 

The thing is that I feel that I have every reason to be totally mad, bitter and down right revengeful for the way that my ex did me....but my blind love just kills it. It suxs to know that she is having a good time and a great weekend on most weekends while I am at home just trying to figure something out to do.

 

Sure keep busy and do stuff, which I already do...its just the sleeping at night and the downtime that kills me. I think about her less and less and yeah it doesnt hurt as much as it did the month before but the pain and emptyness is still there.

 

A part to me wants to sooo bad just to drop everything that I am doing to run to her and talk to her, call her, see her at work....but I know that feelings like that are crazy and I know that she knows that I am still here where we used to live. On our last day she cried when I said that this house misses her, she cried as she said "this house isnt my home no more"

So the decision was there whether her soul wanted it or not.

 

It just sux because here we are brought up to believe that LOVE can conquer anything and anyone with love can make it work. This whole ordeal has broken me like a man with broken legs, and it takes everything in my power now to just walk places. Overall I am somewhat fine, its just that when the weakness comes, it stays for a while.

 

Meanwhile theres soooo many girls out there and they are out and about but it seems to be soo bothersome in trying to meet them. First you got to spot them, then make eye contact, then talk to them....dam thats some work and getting rejected sux. But still I keep on....worst summer of our lives continues!

[Blah Toolz]

Haha, well I've thought about competing -- but I need to finish up with school first. So lifting is just a serious hobby of mine, I guess you could call it for now. I'm thinking of doing a modeling type shoot though soon, since I'm nice and lean right now. And damn, competing in Vegas would be like a dream come true... I know the women there are fly... and one of the number one bodybuilders in the world, Jay Cutler, lives in Las Vegas.

 

Everything you just posted in that last post of yours estakado, is exactly how I feel as well. You sum it up dead on, bro. I know I should be mad at her, but then something just comes over me that cancels that feeling out -- and then I wonder how she's doing, why she could just drop me and start having so much fun without me. That's what it seems like anyways.

 

Haha... and I know what you mean on meeting girls. It's fun to hang out with new chicks and everything, but there is just something about starting all over again and placing your trust again in someone that makes me apprehensive. It's like... you built something up for so long with someone you loved -- and now it's gone. That's exactly what I was thinking when I started dating again... I was like "Dammit, I don't want to start all over again."

 

Hey, but look on the bright side... it is the worst summer of our lives... but at least it's summertime. Keep at it... and thanks for posting.

[spacejam]

Hey, I have read thru this entire thread and empathize with both of your situations. I was kind of reluctant to post anything at first, but it is pretty good to know that others have gone and are going thru ****ty situations with relationships (break-ups). I have been broken up with my ex-girlfriend for the past seven months, she was my first girlfriend, actually the first girl I actually ever felt real love for. I met her at college and we were in a "this is going to last forever" kind of relationship for 1 1/2 yrs. I'm a ridiculously emotional person, and was hurt by her many times in the first month just by her not being sure if she wanted to be with me, but I guess she finally fell in love with me after getting to know me. The first six months were absolutely amazing, I had not yet known how wonderful truly being in love with someone could feel, and I trusted her. She was absolutely the most beautiful girl in the world to me, although according to her and some of my friends (after she left me), she was not so typically attractive. This is probably why I found her so, I had found someone special. The relationship got pretty bad about a year in, started in the summer. We started getting bored of eachother, bored of our lifestyles, and both in a desperate pursuit to rekindle what was inevitably lost. We broke up, got back together, and so on, until finally I called her on Christmas (it was a one state away relationship) and after obviously trying to find the right place for the blow, she told me she felt wierd about us, she wanted to break up, still be friends, that she felt old, etc. I handled it terribly, asked her if she had met someone (she lied and said no), and spent the most hellish week of my life waiting for a call I knew would not come. I drove my friends up the ****ing wall, cried at night, drank myself into a stupor and didn't eat ANYTHING for five days. Same feeling as someone stated on here, you know Bon Jovi said it, "a shot to the heart" (just kidding I hate Bon Jovi). I realized I had to see her once more (she said she couldn't see me until she was over me, in a month or so), I drove to her house the night before New Year's Eve and, in her surprise I think she was glad to see me. She was a no bull**** kind of person, a rare find, which is one of many reasons it hurt so much to lose her. We sat down and she told me she had "kissed" another guy, actually a friend she had had for many years, after she dumped me. She didn't want me know who it was at first, but then realized how ridiculous that was to say. It ****ing killed me man, I handled it surprisingly well, told her I still cared for her ( she said the kisses weren't great but why wouldn't she ya know?), we went out for a bite to eat ( we were both nervous, hadn't seen eachother for 2 weeks) and came back to her house where her friends, family, and the kid had come to while we were gone. From here, you can imagine how much it sucked. I smiled and shook his hand, I really couldn't blame him for his taste AND THe worst was I had met him before and liked him quite a bit before this. Things went down, she apologized for leading me on earlier but she couldn't be in the relationship, tried to have space with this guy and explain that I was out of the picture (he was playing the modest nice guy who kept saying he should leave which didn't help my situation). Eventually I broke down after he left, knew she would probably get with him after I left, slept there (God knows why) and eventually had her talk to me in her sleep as if I were him, saying not to worry, that I would be gone tommorrow. So , you know, once again didn't help. After I left, I was suicidal, I wanted out, I wanted to murder her and her tall, handsome new love, I can't even put the heartbreak into words other than I wanted to die and made those around me want to help me out with that. For the next 2 months, nothing. I tried everything to try and pick myself up, cut her out of my mind, forget the phone, didn't work. I went to sleep thinking about them ****ing, wanting to put a hole in the wall. 2 months in she called, she wanted to see what was going on, if I was okay, that I would always be special to her, was a big part of her life, and that she had been going out with the guy. It was going well, everything was so different, he was home on weekends, it destroyed me. I got off the phone feeling worse than before, I couldn't deny that things had been a mess, really bad, but it didn't matter, I loved her so ****ing much, and she had been ****ing the "friend" while I sat there to rot! Basically my life was a nightmare for the next 3-4 months, I didn't know what to think about anything, I wanted her back but I knew that was way gone now, at that point all I wanted was something, I wanted to stop waiting for a call from her so she could talk to me like a friend she felt kind of guilty about. That's what hurt the most, she was civil about it, she didn't want to hurt me, but it seemed like she might be starting to play the commonly mentioned games in this thread that are designed to drive heterosexual males crazier than they ever knew possible. So summer starts and she calls again (a month and 1/2 after she said she was going to call from the first call) and leaves a message saying she wanted to say hi, see how things were, she was wondering about me. She gave her new phone number (her phone had been down for a while but I think her bf has a cell phone), and that was it. I decided not to satisfy her curiosity, fall into her talking about how things were good and hearing her boyfriend (who I'm sure she's still with) in the background. I've basically resorted to feeling the pain from a love too good to keep and keeping some dignity with silence. The thing is I know this isn't killing her, she just wanted to talk, and after leaving the unanswered message, she didn't call for a month. About a week ago I'm woken up by a call at 1:15 AM with her new number on the ID, which couldn't have been a mistake because it's the third time she's contacted me in 7 months. She hasn't called since, and I can't deny that I wait for it in the back of my mind, for her to either not call for the next three months so I can at least try to live my life, maybe find someone else, or (VERY unlikely) get a message saying something other than friends talk. I never believed in post- relationship friends, it seems like a desparate condition to be in, and I've told her since I first met her that I could never be friends with her, I loved her too much to see her with another guy. Oh well, only time will tell, and time is hell. Thanks for reading this self indulgent post, and please reply if you'd like.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah bro, I feel for you. It's tough... you know, if I had been the one to break up with her, I don't think I would have been strong enough to stop talking to her. If she had called me back up, crying, telling me she couldn't sleep, couldn't eat... I probably would have rushed right to her aid. I cared about her too much. I would never want to see her unhappy... and I would never want to feel like I wasn't there to protect her.

 

But it's different in our cases. They basically **** on you... it's like they forget everything that happened between you in the long period of time you were together, and toss you away like trash. Then... being women, they can simply bat their eyelashes at the next guy they see and have someone to ease the pain with. Sometimes I feel like this ****ing sinking feeling in my stomach will never go away... but you have to remember bro, just because she is with someone else, and having sex with them... doesn't mean that much. You just can't think about that ****, block it from your mind. She may not be enjoying it that much... and just because he is having sex with her, doesn't mean that he owns her.

 

I've had sex since I've broken up with my ex... and although it wasn't bad... it might have been better than with my ex on some nights... I still think about her. And it doesn't make me miss her... or love her any less. I still want to be with her. There are some good posts about break-ups in these other sections on loveshack, and someone said that you can't dwell on the past too much because it will destroy your future. I pray to God every night to give me strength... and I figure that he must have had other plans for both myself and her. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason... and God will help everything work out for the best.

 

If you think about it... although what we had was good -- wouldn't we rather have someone that will want to fight to stay together with us when things get "stale?" Someone that won't drop us when they think they are getting a better deal from some other schmuck?

[dreamguy]

Blah Toolz,

but you have to remember bro, just because she is with someone else, and having sex with them... doesn't mean that much. You just can't think about that ****, block it from your mind. She may not be enjoying it that much... and just because he is having sex with her, doesn't mean that he owns her.

It doesn't matter how much time she spends with the other guy or even if she has sex with him. What difference would it make once/if you are back together ? None. So don't think about it because you will only be tormenting yourself for nothing. It will make you weak and might push you to commit stupid things which will definitely make you lose her forever. Keep your head up bro and smile. Life will smile back at you.

One other thing, it's true that most people dwell too much on the past and fantasize so much about the future that they forget to live in the present ! Then they wake up one day and realize their life has passed them by ! Too late !

[estakado]

spacejam:

 

You have every right to feel how you feel and think how you think right now...but dont go crazy and beat yourself up with obsessive thoughts of your ex with another guy. In fact I commend you that you actually had the guts to shake the other dudes hand and actually talk to him. Showing confidence in front of your ex while facing your rival is attractive. It shows that you are a man.

 

On my end I didnt do that [i didnt have a chance] and I didnt even want to look at a picture of him that my ex carried. Use this time to grieve now and let all of your sorrow out. While doing that, look to see if there are small changes that you can make to your routine [look for different places to hang out, change up your house, workout] to keep you somewhat busy. THe 1st & 2nd month is the hardest but its also relieving once you live through it.

 

Whatever you do, choose to No Contact with her until you are ready to talk again, if she does call, then follow Dreamguy's rules of engagement and keep it cool.

 

How is everyone else doing?

[Blah Toolz]

I want her to call me... it's been a while now, and I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I still love her... but I'm not going to call her since it honestly seems like she's forgotten about me, and doesn't care about me anymore. I honestly don't think she cares if I live or die at this point.

 

But I will live.... hopefully, heh. Any of you guys watch the Home Run Derby tonight? I'm going to a party tomorrow night to watch the All-Star Game... and there will be a beer pong tournament there. Should be pretty fun, chilling with a lot of my boys.

 

I've decided that I'm not going to cave in and call her... even though I was thinking about it. The way I look at it now is... if I call her, she wins. It's a childish way to look at it, but I remember when I went into her work that one time with a note and the picture of us cut out into a heart.... she was like "Couldn't stand us not talking, huh?" She did seem genuinely happy to get the note, and she said "Oh my God, it's so cute and sweet... but I just want to be friends with you for a while." I don't know how she turned into such a heartless bitch overnight, it almost boggles my mind. Just the way she acted when we first broke up... wow. Either that... or she is able to put on a really good show.

 

What do you guys think... not call her? Keep going like I've been going? Just let time take its course?

[spacejam]

You're right, it is mind boggling to even consider someone you used to trust more than anyone with your feelings to turn into a manipulative monster once her cards are different. The thing is, I think with the calling situation and all of this "giving in" and "staying strong" strategizing, it boils down to the fact that letting her call you and desperately trying to enjoy yourself, realizing that it's almost impossible that she doesn't still think about you or care because she hasn't called, is probably the only way.

 

I mean, it's hard to sound preachy when I have been driving myself insane with the same questions (should I call? will calling destroy the mystery I have with her? will not calling allow her to forget and appreciate her new bf who treats her better? what is this no contact leading to if the point is to eventually talk to her/ maybe be with her? how could I talk about the past SEVEN months without truthfully telling her how much she hurt me, how weak I was and still am? how pathetic am I to be feeling strong by not accepting her calls but still being paralyzed by her?). These have circled and circled, sometimes I feel like I do have the upper hand (like when she calls and I leave her hanging, but that's only happened twice), most of the time I picture them having a great time together, and fewer times I make a conscious effort to picture them fighting or just to ****ing forget about her, or perhaps her actually regretting her move (almost impossible for a pessimist like myself).

 

One thing I know is that every time a week or two (or a month or two) goes by after ignoring a call, I assume she doesn't care anymore, that she knows what I'm doing and doesn't care enough to go further (the whole point is to see if she actually cares enough to show it, not say it). It is a game, and once it gets to this point, mine going on the longest time here, you need to think about the fact that this is a human being, just like you, and although this seems obvious, it allows you to see how post-breakup attatchment can be debilitating and dehumanize the whole thing, you didn't fall in love with a ****ing game, nor did she. If she patronized your expression of love to her once, it will probably shatter you this time, as well as perpetuate the game for her (giving in). I really know about the calls, I still compulsively check my phone, the only thing that really keeps me from calling her and talking is that I basically know it will not be what I want and will probably hurt more than ever, and she dumped you right? You don't owe her anything. Don't call, and let the need to hear from her fade a little by lack of communication. If she's not calling, it's definately for YOUR betterment. Only by feeling the pain and letting her call if she cares enough with be good for YOU in the long run. Regardless of what happens in between, she hurt you, so she has to make the move.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah, good post spacejam.

 

It's still tough... but I don't find myself sleeping with my cell phone next to my bed anymore -- awaiting that call from her where she will tell me how much she misses me, and that she can't stand to be apart from me any longer. It would be nice, but that image is pretty much dispelled from my head.

 

When we first started going out... I was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing. I'm young, and I met her during the summer -- and I was seeing a lot of other girls. I had one date with her, and I didn't think I was going to call her back until a while later, but she actually started calling me. She was a little aggressive it seemed, but there was something about her that clicked with me. After chilling with her for a few weeks... she kept hinting towards me "So when are you going to ask me out, make it official between us? You know, boyfriend and girlfriend?" Just stuff like that... how exciting and fun it was when we first met. It was pretty sweet, and there were lots of good memories that I will never forget about her... but I suppose I have to keep moving on like I have been.

[estakado]

So she called...only because I was seeking her out to take care of some bills that need to be switched into my name. I found out that our cell phone bill was super high in the over a $1000 range. When I called the company, i asked to pay just for my own phone and not the other one in the plan. They agreed and I am sooo glad that I didnt get the squeeze. I sure aint gonna pay for her time to talk to some dude....screw that.

 

What was weird was that when she called, I didnt recognize her voice...and then she said her name instead of the pet name that I call her....then it hit me! I think I am finally moving forward.

 

I was in a good mood when we talked and everything seemed favorable and looked good coming outta my end. I hate to talk about myself, but the confidence had to be shown.

 

I guess things are going great on her end as she is like totally in love with this dude....she apologized to me about the last time that she came over, and about rubbing it all in my face. I didnt accept it, even though it shows some consideration from her. I then told her about my new job and she is proud of me, I then told her about my dating..which she was curious about, but I answered back that she didnt need to know about it. Even though she seems confident in her decisions, I still feel that there is some doubt and regret coming from her tone when she talks. Maybe its just me, but I soo know her. But then again, I could be just believing in something that isnt there.

 

Another thing, I find out that she is going to move in with this guy and then it becomes real official...what sux is that this chick has never truly been by herself. She is never home, only at dude's house and/or her friends/family. I even told her that for her sake, she should really consider spending some time alone, even just to do it so that you can get some form of independence, again she defaulted to how her and her guy are great. This dude though, I have a funny feeling about him because he travels outta town alot to do his job. Its like too good to be true that he can be all committed to my ex...but then again I dont need to worry about that anymore.

 

She tells me that she has had a happy 8 years with me and that she made a new choice and that there is nothing that she can do about it. I called BS on that because no matter what, everyone has a choice. She states she still cries whenever she hears our songs and that she sometimes cant listen to the old mixes of mine that are left in her [our] car.

 

She is soo weak, I cant understand how like if people have a feeling that they cannot act on it. To her I am just some old book that has already been read. She doesnt realise about the new chapters that I am making. I hate myself for still missing her. I wish that I can promise not to cry anymore.

 

The weakest part of this is that its over and there is nothing that I can ever do or say...although I have had some great things happen lately such as my job, tourney wins and dates....I still feel empty. I'm sure that I will get over it soon.

 

I hope to GOD that next year at this time, I will be soo far away from this, it will be like some old flashback that is nothing to worry about. I know that I have to let this go, love is for suckers and hope is a mind killer.

 

Worst summer ever....stay tuned!

[Blah Toolz]

She is soo weak, I cant understand how like if people have a feeling that they cannot act on it. To her I am just some old book that has already been read. She doesnt realise about the new chapters that I am making. I hate myself for still missing her. I wish that I can promise not to cry anymore.

 

That's good, bro... and I know exactly how you feel. I like the book analogy... you're definitely coming out of this a stronger person though, remember that. Haha, you could probably step into the ring for a few rounds with Tyson after all this is said and done. You're dealing with it well man, I have to give you credit. I tell myself that I'm a guy... and that I shouldn't be sitting there in bed with tears in my eyes on certain nights while I'm thinking about how much I miss her -- but it happens.

 

I sometimes tell myself that I wish my ex was still calling me... and sending me mixed signals, because that's better than her not talking to me at all right? But then I think of how painful it was to see her lying to me, and shooting me down when I tried to take her out. Heh, so it's been a while now, and it looks like I won't be talking to her for a while, right? I guess things happen for a reason. It's like... I don't know, it seems like it's been so long now since I've talked to her that it would almost be like we were strangers. But I know that's not true. Oh well...

 

Worst summer of our lives... and it goes on.

[Miss_Prolixity]

It is truly heart breaking reading through some of these posts, but then again, theraputic at the same time.

 

The reason why I'm stated this, is for the simple fact that men in our society are told to hold in their feelings and act like a macho man. A lot of the feelings you've all expressed are the same ones that I've endured for six months.

 

I knew men hurt too, but not in the way you've allowed your emotions to flow. It's really invigorating reading the posts and knowing that men are reaching out to one another like most women do in times of need.

 

Another reason why I am touched is the simple fact that my ex never showed any emotion the day we broke up. Nor have we spoke or had any type of contact during the six months we've been apart. So, in my mind, I had an image that most men were unshakable and had an easy time moving on.

 

Even though you're hurting and I truly emphathize, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories, because it sheds light that we're all human (with emotions) trying to achieve the same things.

[estakado]

Hey Miss_Prolixity:

 

Thanks for reading our posts, and I am glad that you got something out of what we shared. Please feel free to add on to this thread and post any feelings or comments that you have.

 

Everyman has a limit and being in breakups like these break the limit and more. The common thing that most of us guys have in this thread is that we were all in serious loving relationships from our point of view, we were soo much in love that we probably ignored or did not see the warning signs that could have saved or prompted us to move on. I know that there were some signs that my best friends have mentioned and being away from my relationship has opened my eyes to things that I have missed or did not pay attention to.

 

I wish that I had payed attention so that I could be the one to leave 1st. That way I would have been far away from this sadness that I feel I dont deserve.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah... it does sometimes feel strange to feel so weak and depressed... but it happens. It's a pain unlike any I've ever experienced... and sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. But something tells me to keep fighting it... then things will work out in the end, and that it happened for a reason.

 

I haven't seen the ex in more than 2 months now... and haven't heard from her in more than a month. I think it's getting to the point now where if she had realized she missed me, then she would have called me by now, I suppose. It hurts... but not all stories have happy endings.

 

Anyways, going to be certified as a personal trainer soon... I figure I should be paid for doing something I love, and I'm in the gym enough as it is anyways. It'll give me a guaranteed job for when I go back to finish up school, as well.

 

Haha, I'm still so tempted to call her -- but I try to view it like the evil part of my conscience telling me to do it. How's everyone else hanging?

[nikkicam71]

I have to say, I've been reading these posts and I am floored. I have two brothers, I've watched them over the years...the only conclusion I can come to is that guys DO care...but I'm prone to believe that they care much more when they are not the ones doing the breaking up...?

 

My ex dumped me two months ago...for no good reason. Without warning. We didn't argue, I didn't cheat, we'd been really happy for almost six months. I'm quite a bit older than he is...but he had alot of responsibility thrust upon him at an early age, and I believed we were in the same place in our lives, headed in the same direction. His father died a year ago...I was there for him during the year memorial service...I was there for him as he got everything together to start his new business...it seemed that once he got past the grief of the memorial service, once his business was up and running, once his life got BETTER...he pulled away. His distance was hurting me, so we talked about it. He decided to end it, because he said he knew I wasn't happy. He "didn't want to tell me he just needed time" and I'd be happier without him. We both cried..I didn't think he meant it. Two days later I called to try and work things out...COMPLETELY different person. Cold, mean, said HORRIBLE things. I'd always been so good to him...I couldn't understand and I was so hurt. Six days later I sent him an email, told him that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, that I'd done nothing wrong....we'd been happy, and if he was at the point in his life where he didn't know where he was going and what he wanted, that was fine, but that didn't mean he had the right to treat me so horribly. I wished him luck with his decisions and said goodbye.

 

He emailed me two weeks later....told me he'd been thinking about me and us and what we were. He was so sorry for everything that happened...for hurting me. This wasn't a farewell letter from him, but he understood if I never wanted to talk to him again; he wanted to do this (apologize) before it was too late. I wrote back and told him if he wanted to talk to call me.

 

He called two days later. Said it wasn't me or us...too much stress in his life, couldn't be in a relationship right now, didn't break up w/ me for another woman or to date other women..."we" were the only thing in his life that he could change/control and he just wanted to simplify things...make his life less stressful. Expressed a desire to be "friends".

 

When we broke up, he told me he thought it was selfish of me to not be friends if we weren't together...if we cared for each other, we should at least stay friends. So i tried...for five weeks he called once or twice a week. Finally, I couldn't take anymore. He kept telling me about his life, his business, what he was doing....he seemed really happy. WITHOUT ME. It did nothing but make the pain greater for me. It made it so much harder for me to move on. I called back after one hour long conversation and told him I couldn't do it anymore. Told him I was giving myself false hope, that I didn't want to be around when he started dating someone else. Told him that I hadn't wanted this breakup, but he seems much happier with his life, and I am happy for him. Now I need to take care of myself...so right now I can't be friends. Told him if something changed for him and he missed me and wanted to see me, if he wanted to try and work things out, by all means, call me.

 

He apologized to me...told me he never meant to cause me more pain or discomfort. He told me if I ever became ok with being friends, whichever came first, to please call him. I told him to take care of himself and I said goodbye.

 

That was 19 days ago. We've been broken up for two months, but in my head it seems as though it just happened, b/c I continued to talk to him for most of that time. 19 days, and no word from him.

 

I know I won't hear from him. This is truly what he wanted. He continued to call b/c he really cared for me...he was ALWAYS telling me what a wonderful person I am, how much he admires me, etc. He felt guilty for hurting me. Being my "friend" helped him ease his conscience.

 

I think if a guy does the dumping, they don't have the same regrets as you men seem to have. They don't "miss" you the way that I miss him, or the way that you all seem to miss your ex-girlfriends. Men seem to have a way of shutting it off, like a switch or something.

 

any opinions??

 

~Nikki

[Apollo432]

Nikki,

 

I understand what you are going through. The same thing has happened with my ex GF. I thought I could do the friend thing and for awhile I thought that is what I really wanted. But now I am not so sure. I also have been doing the N/C thing b/c we work together and she seems to hide behind her computer and wants to contact me that way. So I vowed not to email her back and delete them to see if she would call.

 

Our relationship like yours ended abruptly and it was a shot to the heart. I tired to save the relationship also but, it was of no use. We had no contact going since the beginning of July and I didnt think she would ever call me since she seemed so stuck on the computer thing.

 

Well yesterday I recieved another e-mail saying "Hey. How are you"? I deleted it even though I wanted to reply so bad. Not 5 minutes later I get another one saying "are you here"? I deleted that one as well. Then 5 mins after that I get another one saying "Why are you ignoring me"? Deleted. Then the last one about 5 mins after that said " Ok if you are not going to talk to me then I will talk to you".

 

She went on to say that she has been running again and getting back into shape (something I encouraged her to do while we were together). She also said she just went to her 10 yr high school reunion and she saw a lot of old friends and that she really had fun. Finally she said that she started modeling again and said that she did the photo shoot and attached a pic for me to see. ( this was also somthing I tried to encourage her to do when we were together) I saw the pic and she looked really good. It was like a knife to the heart b/c I was doing ok there for a little while. So I deleted that one as well and felt pretty good about it all. Then she called.

 

I didnt pick it up since I have no idea what I would say to her (I still love her even after the way she hurt me). She left a message saying "I dont know why you are not talking to me". I really want to talk to you" and that was it.

 

It feels good to get some of the control back however I really want to talk to her but, have a feeling I would either open up old wounds or say somthing to give her back all the control. I have thought about this situation too much, it is time for her to think about losing me for once.

 

Any thoughts as to her intentions?

Any idea what I should say when we do speak?

 

As for you saying that men who are the dumpers can just turn it off. I dont believe that. She did the same thing to me she just turned it off. I want to think that she is having second thoughts about the whole thing but, I know she just feels guilty and wants to make herself feel better.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by doing N/C. you can only take so much. He will contact you when he is ready. Just make sure it is for the right reasons or you could wind up getting hurt all over again.

 

they will both realize what they have lost and by then we will have moved on. Or maybe not and it will all work out. You sound like a strong confident woman who knows what she wants and doesnt want. He will contact you eventually in the mean time TAKE CARE OF YOU!

[jw32802]

wait so you say you stopped contact at beginning of july? so its only been 2 weeks?

[Apollo432]

The break or "space" she said she wanted was at the end of May. IN the Beg of June she got wishy washy and said she thought she was making a mistake and still needed her space to figure it all out.

 

That was in the beg of June and that is when the N/C started. We have emailed a little bit here and there but , nothing concrete just small talk.

 

I stopped replying to her emails in the beg of July.

[Blah Toolz]

I don't think it's exactly an on and off switch... but the fact that they are the ones who made the decisions, and totally blindsided us with it is what makes it that much tougher on us. They have had time to go over it in their minds; to brace themselves so to speak.

 

That's not to say that they don't miss you -- but since they are the ones who did the dumping, they have the upper hand at first. They are the ones who are able to stand by their decision, and have told themselves what they are going to do already after the break-up. I think that's what makes the difference.

 

I'd like to think that that the gap between dumper and dumpee isn't that big -- because I wish that my ex would miss me, and think about the good times we had -- maybe call me again. But I know that's probably just wishful thinking. In any case... I think it's the fact that the dumper knows that they will make this decision plays into their demeanor after the break-up. Whether or not they regret it afterwards is a different story, I suppose.

 

I feel for both of yah though... the way your exes acted are very similar to the way mine acted.

[Apollo432]

I guess it all comes down to what we really want if the opportunity presents its self again. I mean this was thi first time she has tried to call me in over a month and a half. I think she is beginning to realize that she has lost me and that freaks her out b/c she is used to getting what she wants.

 

I think she thought that I would always be there. Maybe I gave her that impression when we first started to break up but, Im moving 900 mi away in 3 weeks and she was supposed to come with.

[jw32802]

do you think that is what takes them a month or 2 months to realize it,? because all along they think you will call and then as the weeks go by and you DONT, they think you're moving on and they are thinking you're gone for good/? maybe thats why they seem to realize it after a few mths