Insane Vindictive Urge...

[all3sides]

From his perspective - Putting that book on his desk was breaking NC. It was a direct reference to the relationship you used to have. You brought it all up again. You left it lying there for colleagues to see. You "told him" to read parts of that book and follow those instructions.

No, he was still asking me to meet him for drinks a month ago, it's only "used to have" because I refuse to do it with him. He just never seems to give up. The book was left in a sealed plain manilla envelope in his desk chair pushed up under his desk. No one but him saw it unless he shared it with other people. Yes, I put a mark in the section that specifically details the who/what/when/where/why of cutting off all contact with a former affair partner. Something he never seemed to grasp and thought if someone besides myself told him it was a good idea for his marriage, he might leave me alone.

 

Do you not see that this could be interpreted as you making things difficult in work, not him?

So him catching me by myself, making me feel like a trapped animal and shouting at me about how unfair this all is for him is ME making his life difficult?

 

You need to ensure that any contact is purely work related. That means no dragging up the past. Just work and only work with no emotional tension coming up between you.

I have been keeping it work related. I asked him to do the same. He's the one that won't give up.

 

As for his wife kissing him. Well she is his wife! She is supposed to kiss him. Why should she not do that just because it might upset you?

It didn't bother me that she was kissing on him, I had a big ol' smile on my face as I walked on, but he apparently thought it did. Why else would he have exploded on me like that 15 minutes later? It seems that him seeing me catching her doing it bothered him more than anything. BTW, whether or not it was one of his many lies, he told me a long time ago that he did not like her coming up there and he'd asked her to stop but that she tried to make it sound like she was doing it to so the kids could visit Daddy.

 

I know he's her husband and those are her kids and she can do what ever she wants with all of them. If it makes her feel better to do it, whatever floats her boat. Just like I know that I can think of her whatever I want but it was just that one instance the other day that did it!!! I don't have this thought process all the time and I'm not stalking her, hanging an infidelity book over her head, shooting her the evil eye every time I see her!!! I was all smiles today until Jack*ss found me to rip me a new one.

 

I hopped the "Crazy Train" and had extreme, irrational, misdirected anger at a woman who does not deserve it. I get that!!! but I have been thinking that if she did know of it going on, why did she never do her "wifely duty" and put her foot down and tell her husband to leave me the hell alone?!?! I had to do it plus I'm taking the sh*t storm that followed.

[Spark1111]

I know he's her husband and those are her kids and she can do what ever she wants with all of them. If it makes her feel better to do it, whatever floats her boat. Just like I know that I can think of her whatever I want but it was just that one instance the other day that did it!!! I don't have this thought process all the time and I'm not stalking her, hanging an infidelity book over her head, shooting her the evil eye every time I see her!!! I was all smiles today until Jack*ss found me to rip me a new one.

 

I hopped the "Crazy Train" and had extreme, irrational, misdirected anger at a woman who does not deserve it. I get that!!! but I have been thinking that if she did know of it going on, why did she never do her "wifely duty" and put her foot down and tell her husband to leave me the hell alone?!?! I had to do it plus I'm taking the sh*t storm that followed.

 

All3, you are assuming A LOT HERE.

 

Why would it be her job to do her wifely duty and put HER foot down? You seem to VERY CONVINCED she knew of you and what? Gave her tacit approval that is was "ok?" Did you think that meant he would wind up with you?

 

She may have suspected and dismissed it. She may have asked a few questions about you as her radar went off and he deflected, or minimized or whatever. Good spouses are suppose TO TRUST EACH OTHER.

 

He may have TOLD YOU he did not like her coming to visit with the kids, but, more than likely, he NEVER TOLD her.

 

Don't you yet understand how MM or MW operate while having an affair? They will say and do ANYTHING to keep those feel great hormones flowing.

 

I understand you hopped on the crazy train, but it is the WRONG ONE. You are talking as if this woman's actions are intentional and designed to hurt you?

 

What if you are 100% wrong and the woman has no clue about you?

[spice4life]

No matter what the circumstances are, you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling. It's a process. Right now it is directed at her, but in time that will change and it will be focused where it should be and then it will dissipate into other levels of healing.

 

What should you do now? You made your point by delivering the book and now you should stick to the instructions religiously and take the high road. No exceptions! Yes, of course he is angry with you right now. He doesn't have the capacity to see it in any other way, BUT that's on him not you. He was angry that his wife put him in that position and couldn't take it out on her without blowing his cover, so he did the next best thing (not saying it was the best thing in reality...it wasn't at all); he took it out on you. It was a projection of his own anger - anger he didn't want to carry around - and he needed to get rid of it to feel better. This is the kind of crazy making behavior affairs bring and that is why they are so bad.

 

From this point forward, stick to the rules you laid out for him and do not engage with him in any way. If he corners you, just say excuse me and walk away. He will get the point eventually. That's all you can do now until the emotion of the situation goes away or he finds another OW to occupy his time.

[whichwayisup]

Both of you (YOU AND HIM) don't trust eachother anymore and definitely are completely assuming the worst of another too. YOU ASSUMED his wife put on that display for YOUR sake, and HE ASSUMED you walked by with a smile on your face MALCIOUSLY and to play a game with you.

 

NEITHER of you know what's going on inside eachothers head, all I know is there's much assuming going on and finger pointing.

 

People at the office aren't stupid, I'm sure they ALL know. His wife knows, maybe not details, but she knows, hense her coming by. Whatever, she has a right to do that.

 

This whole thing is stupid and full of drama, you created all this by putting that book on his desk (so what if he broke NC a few months ago, YOU broke it too, afterwards) and hilighting stuff for him, pointing it out so he will read? Sorry, but this one you brought on yourself. Sorry if I sound harsh in my words, it's just the assuming that you know exactly what he is doing and she is doing is so out there..

 

I know you don't want to quit your job, but ask for a transfer away from him so you don't have to deal with him as much. Bottomline though is, you both created this and I hate to say it but usually the person (unfortunately it's you) who is in the lower position job, leaves.. Though I have to say, because his wife doesn't know the extent of the affair and details, that's why he is still there. Chances are high that she would make him quit or transfer away from you.

 

The other option of all this that (could) happen? You BOTH lose your jobs by bringing infidelity and drama into the office. If that happens, it's well deserved, by both of you, reguardless of how good you and him are at your jobs..

[thomasb]

Spice, I see this from the perspective of the MM. Which is totally opposite from your view. I see her as almost stalking this guy. She wants him to see her pain and anger over the affair as she feels. While he is seemingly going on with his life with his wife without a hitch. I feel the poster is leaving him books and bring up the affair and all he is saying is leave me alone!

[anne1707]

He was angry that his wife put him in that position and couldn't take it out on her without blowing his cover, so he did the next best thing (not saying it was the best thing in reality...it wasn't at all); he took it out on you. It was a projection of his own anger - anger he didn't want to carry around - and he needed to get rid of it to feel better. This is the kind of crazy making behavior affairs bring and that is why they are so bad.

 

From this point forward, stick to the rules you laid out for him and do not engage with him in any way. If he corners you, just say excuse me and walk away. He will get the point eventually. That's all you can do now until the emotion of the situation goes away or he finds another OW to occupy his time.

 

Or he may actually angry with the OP because she walked past with what may have appeared to be an over the top, mocking smile on her face.

 

However I do agree on the sticking to the rules. If the OP wants the exMM to apply NC then she has to aswell - which means no books etc. After all, I still get the impression that in more recent weeks he has gone NC so why the need to give him the book now.

 

 

 

Spice, I see this from the perspective of the MM. Which is totally opposite from your view. I see her as almost stalking this guy. She wants him to see her pain and anger over the affair as she feels. While he is seemingly going on with his life with his wife without a hitch. I feel the poster is leaving him books and bring up the affair and all he is saying is leave me alone!

 

This is how I can see it too. Especially as he has now had a promotion and will be very keen to make right start in his new job. Which means being professional.

[goldengirl86]

I think that just because some husbands and wives used the other person to satisfy there own needs and felt absoloutely nothing for them, and in the end disposed of them once they got all of ther partners attention back on them, which by the way regardless of how wonderful your marraige is now, it just makes you a crappy person as simple as that i dont really care if you and your husband and wife are super happy right now and how great your relationship is because you suvived the unthinkable infedility at the end of the day your still ripped out someone elses soul all because "your needs were not being met" and you were not getting enough attention, boo who cry me a river, its like alot of people especially the reformed cheaters think that there so amazing because they used someone else for there own ends and then disposed of them later. So how many tears did the other person have to cry, how can you sleep at night knowing that they were your sacrifice so you could actually figure out that you were married to such an amazing person, please forgive me while i throw up. And it is just plain disrepectful to someone elses feelings to bring your husband or wife to work, if you want to meet for lunch then meet them outside a poster on here said how she enjoyed seeing the OM face when he saw her and her husband together and that was nasty, you did not need to rub it in that was very unnessecary.

 

Is she stalking him, she works with him and why should she have to give up her job! Does he see that she is stalking him, that is the most riduculous thing i have ever heard. And if he thinks that what a friggin tool. And none of us are coucellors, so playing the whole focus on you card and saying how her anger is misdirected while right, is not what she needs right now she wants to bitch and get her feelings our there she knows it is misdirected, but wants to vent.

 

I think the best thing You can do is cool your jets, be polite to him and indifferent, try not to make things alward. He is obvioulsy got some feelings towards you or why else would he go off at you, he is mad at the situation and feels just as uncomfortable as you, but you are making things harder for you by being cruel about it. Be mature and friendly it will eat him up inside as he will have no idea where your coming from, and this is the ultimate revenge as it proves your over him by showing him that he does not even deserve your anger.

[spice4life]

Spice, I see this from the perspective of the MM. Which is totally opposite from your view. I see her as almost stalking this guy. She wants him to see her pain and anger over the affair as she feels. While he is seemingly going on with his life with his wife without a hitch. I feel the poster is leaving him books and bring up the affair and all he is saying is leave me alone!

 

I guess I should have made it clear that I think putting that book on his chair was a huge mistake. It was asking for drama. My post was more in the spirit of "what's done is done" so where does she go from here. She can't take back the book now, but she can accept responsibility for her actions and stick to strict NC from now on.

 

We can all debate all day long about what is right and what is wrong, however, a loss is a loss and there will be emotions associated with it no matter how misguided they may be. The OP needs to acknowledge that she is mourning the loss of the relationship (even though it was an affair) and vent out her emotions in a journal instead of acting on them. It's a little more complicated since she works with him, but it can be done provided she realizes she is healing from a loss. Emotions can't be turned off with a switch. She can however, focus on her own healing and find ways to avoid him while she is doing so without creating drama.

 

Hope this clears up the point I was trying to make. Your situation is different, thomas, in the sense that you had a d-day and full disclosure with your wife. That's not the e here. The OP's xMM is trying to go about hi life while keeping his betrayal a secret. That means he is still in denial himself and hasn't fully realized the consequences of his own actions. So, in the spirit of your own experience, how can you advocate for him by saying he is just trying to move on with his life and marriage? How can he switch to being an honorable man without coming fully clean with his wife? Doesn't that go against the whole rebuilding philosophy that you advocate. You can't criticize one without acknowledging the deceit of the other too.

Edited December 30, 2011 by spice4life

[anne1707]

And it is just plain disrepectful to someone elses feelings to bring your husband or wife to work, if you want to meet for lunch then meet them outside a poster on here said how she enjoyed seeing the OM face when he saw her and her husband together and that was nasty, you did not need to rub it in that was very unnessecary.

 

 

How does the H explain to the wife that she can no longer come into the office without it sounding odd? There is no clear, sensible reason why a husband and wife should not meet openly.

 

As for a poster enjoying seeing the OM's face when her husband comes into the office. You are referring to me and totally misquoting/misunderstanding me. I absolutely never said I enjoyed it. I said that the ex-OM is uncomfortable with the situation. My view is that is tough - my priority is my H and how he feels. If he wants to come into my place of work and meet me for lunch then he is perfectly entitled to do so. When reconciling a marriage there is absolutely no way a WS can tell a BS that they must not do something as it might upset the AP.

[herenow]

And it is just plain disrespectful to someone elses feelings to bring your husband or wife to work, ants to vent.

 

I'm sorry, please explain to me how it is disrespectful for a woman to meet her husband at his office for lunch?

 

Since when are people who have affairs on either side being respectful to anyone? A woman who is married has every right, and is showing no disrespect to ANYONE by meeting her husband in his office for lunch.

 

If a MM or/and OW has any issues with it, it is by their own doing. Place blame where it belongs. The MM and the person you see in the mirror.

[thomasb]

Well I actually didn't have a DDay. I ended it and then told my wife the straight up truth.

In the posters sitch we have no way of knowing what he has told his wife. Irregardless what an OP thinks they don't know a thing about what happens inside the marriage. And while recovering it was my job to make my wife feel secure. I really didn't give a crap what OW thought or did. I wanted to be with my wife. I was fighting for my marriage! She certainly did not force me. I begged for lunches, dinners, anytime she would see me. The affair was wrong. Period. My focus was then on my wifes' happiness. As it should have been all along. And I really don't get the victim act. The OP engaged as much or more so than I.

[woinlove]

I think that just because some husbands and wives used the other person to satisfy there own needs and felt absoloutely nothing for them, and in the end disposed of them once they got all of ther partners attention back on them, which by the way regardless of how wonderful your marraige is now, it just makes you a crappy person as simple as that i dont really care if you and your husband and wife are super happy right now and how great your relationship is because you suvived the unthinkable infedility at the end of the day your still ripped out someone elses soul all because "your needs were not being met" and you were not getting enough attention, boo who cry me a river, its like alot of people especially the reformed cheaters think that there so amazing because they used someone else for there own ends and then disposed of them later. So how many tears did the other person have to cry, how can you sleep at night knowing that they were your sacrifice so you could actually figure out that you were married to such an amazing person, please forgive me while i throw up. And it is just plain disrepectful to someone elses feelings to bring your husband or wife to work, if you want to meet for lunch then meet them outside a poster on here said how she enjoyed seeing the OM face when he saw her and her husband together and that was nasty, you did not need to rub it in that was very unnessecary.

 

Is she stalking him, she works with him and why should she have to give up her job! Does he see that she is stalking him, that is the most riduculous thing i have ever heard. And if he thinks that what a friggin tool. And none of us are coucellors, so playing the whole focus on you card and saying how her anger is misdirected while right, is not what she needs right now she wants to bitch and get her feelings our there she knows it is misdirected, but wants to vent.

 

I think the best thing You can do is cool your jets, be polite to him and indifferent, try not to make things alward. He is obvioulsy got some feelings towards you or why else would he go off at you, he is mad at the situation and feels just as uncomfortable as you, but you are making things harder for you by being cruel about it. Be mature and friendly it will eat him up inside as he will have no idea where your coming from, and this is the ultimate revenge as it proves your over him by showing him that he does not even deserve your anger.

 

The good thing about posting on a public forum is that you can hear different perspectives and it may make one think about things a bit different, leading to some new insight or knowledge or change in perspective. You think all3sides should play it cool to make MM feel differently, others think she should delve into her own feelings and question why she is angry at MM's wife to learn more about herself. Just different advice.

 

Not sure why you think husbands and wives should not meet at work. We do it often ourselves. Some work environments do not allow any visitors even during a lunch hour, but if they do, what is the problem?

[spice4life]

Well I actually didn't have a DDay. I ended it and then told my wife the straight up truth.

In the posters sitch we have no way of knowing what he has told his wife. Irregardless what an OP thinks they don't know a thing about what happens inside the marriage. And while recovering it was my job to make my wife feel secure. I really didn't give a crap what OW thought or did. I wanted to be with my wife. I was fighting for my marriage! She certainly did not force me. I begged for lunches, dinners, anytime she would see me. The affair was wrong. Period. My focus was then on my wifes' happiness. As it should have been all along. And I really don't get the victim act. The OP engaged as much or more so than I.

 

No need to convince me of your focus...I believe you and more importantly, I understand. Maybe that's the OP's xMM's focus too. Who knows. Whatever the situation is, the OP is a human being with feelings and needs to focus on her own healing from the loss as well. Just because she was an OW doesn't mean she won't or can't have feelings while she heals. And at times, during the process, some misguided anger will come out. The key is to understand that it is misguided (in this case toward the BS) and let herself feel it until it passes without acting on it. They are feelings and nothing more.

 

Another example of misguided anger would be a xMP being angry at and blaming their OW/OM for the affair. No one held a gun to their head and they need to accept that they made the choice to cheat, just like the OW/OM has to accept that they were a willing participant. But again, they are feelings and nothing more that will come up during the healing process and they too will eventually pass.

 

I totally get that you didn't care at all about your xOW's feelings and that could very well be the case with the xMM in this situation too. It doesn't mean she didn't have feelings though. She did and had to deal with them in her own journey (without you), just like you did in your own with your wife. Regardless of what side a person is on in the affair, there will be emotional fallout that each one has to deal with in their own way, whether it is acknowledged or not. A loss is a loss...pure and simple.

 

If the OP in this situation focuses on her own healing and adheres to strict NC, she will eventually move past the anger and see things in a different light. The key will be to give herself the space she needs to focus on her own healing so she doesn't get stuck where she is right now.

Edited December 31, 2011 by spice4life

[goldengirl86]

Hi everyone. i never did say that husbands and wives should not meet for lunch, i merely said that perhaps it would have been appropriate to consider the OP's feelings and not flaunt it if it is a work place thing. While you may not care about the OP, regardless i think respecting there feelings as being real, while not the same as yours is the kind and compassionate thing to do. Yes i get doing anything your spouse wants within reason is what alot of WS need to do to prove to the BS that they are serious about them, but to be quite honest the whole thing is just sick, you should not even have to prove this to them.

 

I read a story about a woman who offered her husband a threesome for his birthday, the man was so sicken at the thought of being with another woman and flatout said NO. The point is if someone truely loved someone, heart and soul they would never cheat or want anyone else except for you. Swans and wolves mate for life, if animals can do it then im pretty sure we can. being the OW as made so untolerant towards cheating of any form, and i personally think the BS's deserve better, but it is there choice as well all make our own choices.

 

The point i was trying to make is that people have lost there way, nobody cares about anyone elses feelings, cheaters use people to there own purpose, and the OP regardless of whether they went in willingly is often not aware of these purposes. So in the sence that this man makes public displays of affection towards his wife so she can see, is cruel. Meeting for lunch but taking the displays of affection into the his own private office, or meeting her at side would show kindness and compassion while also doing the BS bidding and being a good husband. There are ways to please the BS and show them what they need while also sparing someone elses feelings.

 

She in time like i hope all of us will will move on from fixating, it is a phase, but she needs to be able to vent without fear of attack, that all, and felt like she was being attacked!

 

Happy New year's Eve Everyone!

[anne1707]

While you may not care about the OP, regardless i think respecting

there feelings as being real, while not the same as yours is the kind and

compassionate thing to do.

 

If I did not care, I would not have made any posts in this thread. I have also seen the overwhelming majority of posters in this thread show concern and compassion for the OP, recognising that her feelings and pain is very genuine.

 

Yes i get doing anything your spouse wants within reason is what alot of WS need to do to prove to the BS that they are serious about them, but to be quite honest the whole thing is just sick, you should not even have to prove this to them.

 

So after having an affair and proving to the BS that the WS has lied and hurt them beyond anything that can be imagined, it would then be "sick" of the BS then needing the WS to prove they were serious about saving the marriage? If you read these forums, you will see that the only marriages that do successfully reconcile are those where the WS has done their utmost to save the marriage. To suggest otherwise is just plain naive.

 

and i personally think the BS's deserve better, but it is there choice as well all make our own choices.

 

As I believe. I also believe the OP deserves better.

 

So in the sence that this man makes public displays of affection towards his wife so she can see, is cruel. Meeting for lunch but taking the displays of affection into the his own private office, or meeting her at side would show kindness and compassion while also doing the BS bidding and being a good husband. There are ways to please the BS and show them what they need while also sparing someone elses feelings.

 

But you are assuming that these displays of affection are done so the OP can see. If so then that is cruel but it may be some twisted way to try and make it clear that he is now back with his wife.

 

Or, as is the case for me yet you attacked me suggesting I enjoyed seeing the ex-OM suffer, it is because I want my H to see that I am completely open with him, that the workplace which I pretty much made out of bounds during my affair is now completely accessible to him. That if he wants to meet me, I would be really happy to spend that extra hour or so with him. That I love him and I am in our marriage 100%.

 

If the BS knows about the affair, the WS would be cruel and hurtful to put the feelings of the AP above the BS by telling the BS (who has done no wrong yet is in incredible pain) that they must not come to the office because it might upset the exAP.

 

 

She in time like i hope all of us will will move on from fixating, it is a

phase, but she needs to be able to vent without fear of attack, that all, and felt like she was being attacked!

 

I don't think the OP has been attacked by anybody. You may see differing interpretations of the situation as attacks but if you only want one viewpoint that will always support your own then LS is not the place to come. Sometimes people need to hear these differing views. I have also seen that pretty much everyone has suggested that the OP needs to move on

[woinlove]

goldengirl, I don't see the attacks you refer to either and still think all3sides will heal quicker by asking herself why such anger is focussed on the wife and learning from the answer. Often when an affair with a coworker ends, it is extremely painful to continue to work with them - even when the BS is not on the work scene. Some APs need to change jobs to heal, but others are able to stay in the same job and change their perspective. Usually trying to change the MM/MW, never mind trying to change the BS too, is less successful. Changing one's perspective often involves learning more about oneself and understanding different views on the situation. I see most of the posts here are trying to help all3sides along that path.

 

Unlike you, I don't think desiring or being attracted to anyone other than one's spouse for the rest of your life is the real problem. I think the deception and lies are the real problem. Some married couples discuss their desires and attractions to others when they occur and chose not to act on them. Others are in open marriages. Here on LS, we see the fallout from those who chose deception and secrecy instead.

[goldengirl86]

Sorry ANNE i meant sick in the sence that that if you had not cheated than you would not have to to make it up to them. I do apologise if i made you feel bad or that it did appear like i was attacking you, i was going on the comment when you said it bothered the OP more than your husband, and i felt this incredible saddness for him. Though he could be a ass i dont know.

 

I am sorry.

 

I am young, so i am still learning life lessons, i mean i look at my situation as im jacob Black of twilight while i may not have got the girl, well guy in this case im the HOT one. LOL. (SO YES YOUNG).

 

Sorry hope all is going well with you and your husband, and i do hope everyone has a good New year, and i apologise if i offended anyone.

[herenow]

I am always amazed when the BS is held to a higher standard of respect towards the OW/OM than the OW/OM gave to the BS while engaging in an affair with the BS's spouse. Or, when an OW/OM feels that their feelings should be a consideration when the married couple decides to stay together.

 

As a BS, I can honestly tell you I have ZERO respect for my H's OW. As a matter of fact, how she feels is completely irrelevant to me. Just like how I felt while she was having sex with my H was not her concern. Not to be mean or cruel, but this is most likely the case with many BS's. The question is, why should the BS care about how the OW/OM is feeling? Did the OW/OM act in ways that showed any respect to the BS?

 

A MM who has had an affair and decides to stay with his wife MUST puts his BS's feelings above the OW. At least in the beginning. Many times a BS will find sympathy for the OW in her own time. I know I feel that way now. But at first, she was the last person I cared about.

 

I'm not trying to fuel a fight, I'm really floored every time this comes up. I would think if an adult makes the decision to get involved with a MM (assuming they know the person is married), then they can assume the BS isn't going have the OW/OM's feelings at the top of his or her list.

 

If the MM and his wife are trying to make their marriage work, they can't be concerned with the OW. IMO, a BS should not blame the OW. She should place blame on her H and he should take 100% of the blame for his choice to have an affair. At this point, the OW is not part of the equation and the couple needs to do whatever it takes to build a healthier marriage. This cannot be done with the OW in the picture in any way. The OW, her feelings, her actions, everything about her must become irrelevant.

Edited January 3, 2012 by herenow

[nofool4u]

Now I can't stop thinking about sending a copy of the book to his wife anyway. Even prior to his promotion she was up here taking him to lunch or bringing the kids to visit 3-4 days a week (and it's not really a common or accepted practice where we work, she's the only wife that does this). Well now it's almost daily and the woman prances across the lobby like she's a Kardashian living the perfect life. I know it's not perfect or real because her husband cheated on her for over two years with me. The b*tch in me wants to laugh in her face because I know that her "perfect life" she thinks she's living is a load of complete crap. Does she know that her husband was with me when she called to tell him she was in labor with the little boy that she shows off like the Crown Prince? That I know he was late to the hospital because he had to finish with me first?

 

Sorry, it was bad enough having him still in my life every day once I quit believing his lies and saw him for the slimy piece of sh*t he is but now that he's backed off, I get her in all her oblivious glory everyday and I just feel like knocking her off her high horse with a dose of reality.

 

Uh, did it ever occur to you that she made the decision to keep the marriage, as stupid as an idea I think it is, and that she is putting on her best face?

 

What would you have her do? Walk around like a broken soul? I bet that would just please the hell out of you.

 

How about this, leave her the hell alone. She made her decision, and if she can hold her head up high, good for her. I certainly would advise her to dump the cheating POS, but hey, its her decision.

 

I think it just pisses you off that she is doing her best to put on her best face. I'm quite sure she knows things aren't all roses, but again, what would you have her do?

 

Its bad enough you screwed her husband, but to have contempt for her after its over? Get real. Have contempt for the xMM, absolutely. But how about leaving her alone. Haven't you done enough already?

[nofool4u]

Does she know that her husband was with me when she called to tell him she was in labor with the little boy that she shows off like the Crown Prince?

 

And on top of this, contempt for a child. Nice.

[herenow]

And on top of this, contempt for a child. Nice.

 

Oh my, I missed that. My children are royalty to me and I'm sure other parents feel the same way about theirs.

 

The fact hat you were with her H while she was pregnant/in labor says more about you and the MM than about the BW. The word sick was used earlier in this thread. It is most appropriate to use it here. Neither you or her H deserve any respect from this woman based on the facts that you have stated here. The statement you made about the MM being with you while his wife was in labor shows me how despicable you both really are.

 

No wonder he treats you so poorly. Why would he treat you any better than he treats his wife who he wants to remain married to?

[MissBee]

I am always amazed when the BS is held to a higher standard of respect towards the OW/OM than the OW/OM gave to the BS while engaging in an affair with the BS's spouse. Or, when an OW/OM feels that their feelings should be a consideration when the married couple decides to stay together.

 

As a BS, I can honestly tell you I have ZERO respect for my H's OW. As a matter of fact, how she feels is completely irrelevant to me. Just like how I felt while she was having sex with my H was not her concern. Not to be mean or cruel, but this is most likely the case with many BS's. The question is, why should the BS care about how the OW/OM is feeling? Did the OW/OM act in ways that showed any respect to the BS?

 

A MM who has had an affair and decides to stay with his wife MUST puts his BS's feelings above the OW. At least in the beginning. Many times a BS will find sympathy for the OW in her own time. I know I feel that way now. But at first, she was the last person I cared about.

 

I'm not trying to fuel a fight, I'm really floored every time this comes up. I would think if an adult makes the decision to get involved with a MM (assuming they know the person is married), then they can assume the BS isn't going have the OW/OM's feelings at the top of his or her list.

 

If the MM and his wife are trying to make their marriage work, they can't be concerned with the OW. IMO, a BS should not blame the OW. She should place blame on her H and he should take 100% of the blame for his choice to have an affair. At this point, the OW is not part of the equation and the couple needs to do whatever it takes to build a healthier marriage. This cannot be done with the OW in the picture in any way. The OW, her feelings, her actions, everything about her must become irrelevant.

 

Great post!

 

I get where some OW/OM are coming from. But I also think it's a case of: it sucks but it is what it is. NO ONE deserves to be treated badly or lied to or to feel discarded and disposed of....but sometimes that is just the consequence of an A....and you have to roll with it or let it roll over you and then try to make unreasonable and fruitless demands for the MP and their BS to alleviate your pain.

 

Even in regular non-A relationships, sometimes when people's exes move on with their lives and have a new relationship they feel so hurt and upset and feel like it is being rubbed in their faces (sometimes it is but sometimes it's not)....but what can you do? I have been guilty of that...being so mad my ex would put up a pic of him and his new gf, be mad they were going on a trip, think he was inconsiderate and didn't care about me etc. But then when my senses returned I realized it makes no sense. He can't lie his life to please me....even if he cares....as long as we don't want the same things...something he does is gonna end up hurting me....so I need to realize his life is his and he has NO obligation to consider me in his plans and flaunting and all I can do is move on and be happy.

[herenow]

But you stayed with and continued to trust and love and respect and care about the feelings of the very man who betrayed you,I am assuming?

 

***Scratching head***

 

Nope, I kicked him out on d-day. He begged to stay, but I would have no part of it. No trust, no love, no respect, not a care about how he felt. As I felt he did not love, respect or care for me at the time. He agrees. Had he told me he loved me while having sex with an OW, there would have been no second chance. I don't want that kind of love, ever.

 

In time, I noticed his dedication to becoming a better person. Not for me or the kids, for himself and his own preservation. He is dedicated to being the best person he can be. He has taken full responsibility for his actions. I, in turn, have accepted my part in the problems we had in our marriage.

 

After seeing him work the program daily. After seeing his dedication to making things work, I gave him a second chance.

 

I'm glad I did, because now we both know that a marriage can never be taken for grated. It takes both of us to make out marriage work. It's not all that hard once you are able to dig deep and deal with real issues. After that, it comes pretty easy.

 

And, yes, I agree all BS's should know what their spouses are doing. That way each person can choose for themselves if they want to stick with it or move on.

[goldengirl86]

Goldengirl86...........I hear you and get it and have to ask if what get's your blood boiling more than anything,is that his wife wasn't informed of his betrayal and he's getting off scott free while you are left answering for yourself and being left holding the bag while he goes on with his LIE and you suffer for his SH*T!

 

In response to you Heart On.

What gets my blood boiling is that it does not matter to her at all, know she does not know everything, but she knows enough. I can understand when a BS can forgive there spouse for cheating, most however begin on a new foundation and it does depend alot on what the relationship was like pre affari and what the WH does after exposure. Im pretty sure that threatening to kill you, actually trying to kill you, running you and your children off the road does not appear to make a remourseful husband and to be quite honest even without the affair im pretty sure most people would never forgive someone trying to kill them, even if it was i dont know to scare her i have know idea what he was thinking, but to put your childrens lifes at risk and for a mother to forgive this is beyond undertsanding. To be quite honest i probably would not have forgiven the whole i want to be with her when asked right after he exposed the affair, or when she asked him to choose her or me right in front of us both, and he said he loved us both and in away threw her kinda under the bus, like when she said to stop talking to me and he said he will when she deletes her male friends. ACTION do speak louder than words. However, what really makes me sick is that even though the court has order them no contact, she leaves her kids at home late at night and they probably secretly meet up, betraying not only the law, but also the trust of his family.

 

I am lost somehwere in the mists i dont know if i will make it through, i have suffered for my actions, but there is no accountability for theres.

 

I have heard alot of woman who see a great change in the spouses after affairs, some take them back and some do not as too much was said and done. The only effort i say in him with his wife was he bought her flowers and a few presents and was more affectionate and sent her alot more texts and called her more. As soon as she lost her cool, then it was straight to fight mode and then threatening to kill her etc.

 

It is an amazing thing what we will put up with just to hear some one say they love us.

[LadyGrey]

From what you have posted goldengirl, it sounds like they both are riding the crazy train..........BUT and I don't mean to be cruel because I know you already are beating yourself up BUT you yourself remained involved with him AFTER you saw what he was and what he did to his wife and his kids. Now you know better and you are NC but your disgust at her is misplaced.

 

Concentrate on your own healing and continue therapy and if you haven't found a new therapist, please find one. I think that crazy asshat took advantage of your youth and naivety but yet ultimately we are responsible for ourselves and our choices, be they good or bad.

 

The more you think about them and the craziness they live in the less you focus on getting you better. Focus on you hon. Be thankful you got away.

 

 

Goldengirl86...........I hear you and get it and have to ask if what get's your blood boiling more than anything,is that his wife wasn't informed of his betrayal and he's getting off scott free while you are left answering for yourself and being left holding the bag while he goes on with his LIE and you suffer for his SH*T!

 

In response to you Heart On.

What gets my blood boiling is that it does not matter to her at all, know she does not know everything, but she knows enough. I can understand when a BS can forgive there spouse for cheating, most however begin on a new foundation and it does depend alot on what the relationship was like pre affari and what the WH does after exposure. Im pretty sure that threatening to kill you, actually trying to kill you, running you and your children off the road does not appear to make a remourseful husband and to be quite honest even without the affair im pretty sure most people would never forgive someone trying to kill them, even if it was i dont know to scare her i have know idea what he was thinking, but to put your childrens lifes at risk and for a mother to forgive this is beyond undertsanding. To be quite honest i probably would not have forgiven the whole i want to be with her when asked right after he exposed the affair, or when she asked him to choose her or me right in front of us both, and he said he loved us both and in away threw her kinda under the bus, like when she said to stop talking to me and he said he will when she deletes her male friends. ACTION do speak louder than words. However, what really makes me sick is that even though the court has order them no contact, she leaves her kids at home late at night and they probably secretly meet up, betraying not only the law, but also the trust of his family.

 

I am lost somehwere in the mists i dont know if i will make it through, i have suffered for my actions, but there is no accountability for theres.

 

I have heard alot of woman who see a great change in the spouses after affairs, some take them back and some do not as too much was said and done. The only effort i say in him with his wife was he bought her flowers and a few presents and was more affectionate and sent her alot more texts and called her more. As soon as she lost her cool, then it was straight to fight mode and then threatening to kill her etc.

 

It is an amazing thing what we will put up with just to hear some one say they love us.