Insane Vindictive Urge...

[bentnotbroken]

Goldengirl86...........I hear you and get it and have to ask if what get's your blood boiling more than anything,is that his wife wasn't informed of his betrayal and he's getting off scott free while you are left answering for yourself and being left holding the bag while he goes on with his LIE and you suffer for his SH*T!

 

In response to you Heart On.

What gets my blood boiling is that it does not matter to her at all, know she does not know everything, but she knows enough. I can understand when a BS can forgive there spouse for cheating, most however begin on a new foundation and it does depend alot on what the relationship was like pre affari and what the WH does after exposure. Im pretty sure that threatening to kill you, actually trying to kill you, running you and your children off the road does not appear to make a remourseful husband and to be quite honest even without the affair im pretty sure most people would never forgive someone trying to kill them, even if it was i dont know to scare her i have know idea what he was thinking, but to put your childrens lifes at risk and for a mother to forgive this is beyond undertsanding. To be quite honest i probably would not have forgiven the whole i want to be with her when asked right after he exposed the affair, or when she asked him to choose her or me right in front of us both, and he said he loved us both and in away threw her kinda under the bus, like when she said to stop talking to me and he said he will when she deletes her male friends. ACTION do speak louder than words. However, what really makes me sick is that even though the court has order them no contact, she leaves her kids at home late at night and they probably secretly meet up, betraying not only the law, but also the trust of his family.

 

I am lost somehwere in the mists i dont know if i will make it through, i have suffered for my actions, but there is no accountability for theres.

 

I have heard alot of woman who see a great change in the spouses after affairs, some take them back and some do not as too much was said and done. The only effort i say in him with his wife was he bought her flowers and a few presents and was more affectionate and sent her alot more texts and called her more. As soon as she lost her cool, then it was straight to fight mode and then threatening to kill her etc.

 

It is an amazing thing what we will put up with just to hear some one say they love us.

 

 

1) Betraying the law and the family......it matters to you how?

 

2)You know they haven't been held accountable by....what all knowing knowledge?

 

Concentrate on you and not them.

[herenow]

Glad it all worked out for you.....but my point was that had your Husband not felt he had the right to betray you and use an OW to fill whatever void he or your marriage had,you wouldn't have had an OW in your life to disrespect and not care about in the least.

 

He is the one who betrayed you and he used another woman to do it.

 

Believe me when I say,these men pull out ALL the stops to paint you wives as the REASON they cheat on you.So yeah........we can only take so much blame for falling for thier lines to get in our pants thru our manipulated hearts.

 

End Quote

 

 

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. So, I will be clear in what I am saying.

 

My H never blamed anyone but himself. He never blamed me or the OW for his actions. That is one of the reasons the OW thought he was such a good guy. Never said a bad word about anyone.

 

I never blamed the OW for anything. There was never an OW in my life. That was all him. She is not part of my life, never has been. Yes, he betrayed me and that was where the focus went. His betrayal. Not the OW. She is responsible for her own life and feelings. Not my problem. As my feelings are not her problem. Did he use another woman? Probably, but that has nothing to do with me at all.

 

If an OW feels like she was manipulated by a MM, that has nothing to do with the BW. However, I do believe that we as adults are to blame for our actions. Unless a woman was lied to and told the MM was really single, everything else is justification for a bad choice. IMO

[nofool4u]

I promise,you will make it thru.You made it thru being in his life in an unhealthy way,now it's time to grow past it all.EVery road has it's turn!

 

Don't fret...he will get his.

 

And don't forget how lucky you are not to have wound up with him!It can't be easy working with him,let alone under him,and have to watch her stroll in there almost daily,even if it is her perogative,it has to hurt on multiple levels.

 

Given your own history, I'm curious to know what you think about her contemptuous attitude towards her xMM's wife and child?

[spice4life]

Glad it all worked out for you.....but my point was that had your Husband not felt he had the right to betray you and use an OW to fill whatever void he or your marriage had,you wouldn't have had an OW in your life to disrespect and not care about in the least.

 

He is the one who betrayed you and he used another woman to do it.

 

Believe me when I say,these men pull out ALL the stops to paint you wives as the REASON they cheat on you.So yeah........we can only take so much blame for falling for thier lines to get in our pants thru our manipulated hearts.

 

End Quote

 

 

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. So, I will be clear in what I am saying.

 

My H never blamed anyone but himself. He never blamed me or the OW for his actions. That is one of the reasons the OW thought he was such a good guy. Never said a bad word about anyone.

 

I never blamed the OW for anything. There was never an OW in my life. That was all him. She is not part of my life, never has been. Yes, he betrayed me and that was where the focus went. His betrayal. Not the OW. She is responsible for her own life and feelings. Not my problem. As my feelings are not her problem. Did he use another woman? Probably, but that has nothing to do with me at all.

 

If an OW feels like she was manipulated by a MM, that has nothing to do with the BW. However, I do believe that we as adults are to blame for our actions. Unless a woman was lied to and told the MM was really single, everything else is justification for a bad choice. IMO

 

I completely agree with this. Although I didn't knowingly get involved in an affair with him at first, I completely blame myself for what I did. I had some misguided anger at one point, but it didn't, even then, come out as anger toward the BS. The only person responsible for my actions is me. I am a firm believer that we always have a choice and if we make a bad one, it's on us and no one else.

[goldengirl86]

1) Betraying the law and the family......it matters to you how?

 

2)You know they haven't been held accountable by....what all knowing knowledge?

 

Concentrate on you and not them.

 

 

You are right, i do not know if he or she is being held accountable. I actually realistically think he will pay for his actions as we all have to and is paying for them. He is really messed up at this point in time and not making good choices, which in time will come back to haunt him.

 

It is extremely nieve of me to assume that they both are not suffering as unless which it is extremly possible they suffer from a mental illness then this would be extremley hard on him and her, and i am not the only one hurting in some way.

 

I do not actually know for certain that they are breaking the law and meeting up, however, sometimes the most obvious thing is what is going on.

 

It matters to me how? Because i care, unfortunatly it is as simple and stypid as that, im hurt and sad.

 

And because while nothing may matter to you, i respect the law and it matters to me as it keeps things in order, i may not have respected myself during this process but it does not mean i am devoid of the word and that i am uncapable of having respect. His family matters to me because they matter to him and they do not deserve to be decieved, and because i dont want him to lose them by going back to her and by lying to them. While he will never lose them it will greatly effect there relationship in a negative way as it did in the past.

 

I do not want him to be alone in the world without the people that truely matter and that is his family who have supported him thoughout this and his children. He has no friends really, so all he has is them.

 

We are done, but i do care even though he does not. And nothing is ever as black and white as we would like to believe. People are cabale of making mistakes and of doing bad things, but we are also capable of good, there are all shades of grey within people and within life;

 

It is complicated like most situations, and i hope the Original Poster had a good new year, and i do think though that if you ever truely want to heal and get past this it would be best if you did leave your job, i am thinking of leaving the town i live because i am like three houses away from BS. I think the more we have to face it the harder it is to get over it. I know you love your job and you have lost so much already and this is like he wins again, but think about it.

[woinlove]

 

 

It is complicated like most situations, and i hope the Original Poster had a good new year, and i do think though that if you ever truely want to heal and get past this it would be best if you did leave your job, i am thinking of leaving the town i live because i am like three houses away from BS. I think the more we have to face it the harder it is to get over it. I know you love your job and you have lost so much already and this is like he wins again, but think about it.

 

This is very good advice. No one really wins due to infidelity. Rather, the people involved, whether involved by choice or by being betrayed and deceived, can win by how they react, learn, rebuild and who they become in the process. If moving or changing jobs gives you what you need to focus on an authentic and happy future, then that is gaining something of real value and, in that sense, one is a winner.

[despicableME]

It sounds like you like the drama surrounding your philandering with this man.

 

You go on to suggest that you should "out" him to his wife in some indirect fashion(the book suggestion). If you truely feel this way why not tell her straight-up of the affair so this scumbag will leave you alone???

 

The best way to be free from this whole mess is to find another job- PLAIN AND SIMPLE! But, like I said you get a "kick" out of seeing this woman parade around the office, knowing that you were boinking her husband for a good 2 years... C'MON!

 

Furthermore, you make it clear that your superior has ulterior "motives" toward terminating your employment due to her feelings for your OM, like if its some game that you ultimately won his attention/affection or something- please... get over yourself already.

[White Flower]

I am always amazed when the BS is held to a higher standard of respect towards the OW/OM than the OW/OM gave to the BS while engaging in an affair with the BS's spouse. Or, when an OW/OM feels that their feelings should be a consideration when the married couple decides to stay together.

 

As a BS, I can honestly tell you I have ZERO respect for my H's OW. As a matter of fact, how she feels is completely irrelevant to me. Just like how I felt while she was having sex with my H was not her concern. Not to be mean or cruel, but this is most likely the case with many BS's. The question is, why should the BS care about how the OW/OM is feeling? Did the OW/OM act in ways that showed any respect to the BS?

You might be surprised. With regard to sex, or any other aspect of our R, no, he was mine in those moments and she didn't exist, just like your H's exOW's feelings don't exist now. Fair is fair. But there were many times that I was invited to their house or an event they attended together which I refused to attend. To me, that was respecting the BS, or maybe it was an act of integrity, you decide.

 

A MM who has had an affair and decides to stay with his wife MUST puts his BS's feelings above the OW. At least in the beginning. Many times a BS will find sympathy for the OW in her own time. I know I feel that way now. But at first, she was the last person I cared about.

 

I'm not trying to fuel a fight, I'm really floored every time this comes up. I would think if an adult makes the decision to get involved with a MM (assuming they know the person is married), then they can assume the BS isn't going have the OW/OM's feelings at the top of his or her list.

 

If the MM and his wife are trying to make their marriage work, they can't be concerned with the OW. IMO, a BS should not blame the OW. She should place blame on her H and he should take 100% of the blame for his choice to have an affair. At this point, the OW is not part of the equation and the couple needs to do whatever it takes to build a healthier marriage. This cannot be done with the OW in the picture in any way. The OW, her feelings, her actions, everything about her must become irrelevant.

Fair enough!

 

All3sides,

 

It's been about a week now. Do you feel any differently about your feelings? I know they were just thoughts and that you didn't act on them, but where are you now that some time has passed?

Edited January 7, 2012 by White Flower