Cheating Hypothesis - To Know or Not to Know?

[The Blue Knight]

Below is a write in question and an answer I saw on the web the other day. I thought it was interesting enough to share since this is the kind of subject we see here on loveshack. Read it and then check my follow up question below.

___________________________________________

 

Q: Three's a Crowd: "Laura" and I have been best friends since we were 10. Four years ago her husband, "James," needed my help on a work-related matter and came over without Laura, who was busy with something else. It involved a very difficult and tedious task, and we decided to make it more tolerable by bringing out some wine. That night James and I ended up sleeping together. I always had a small, harmless crush on James but never in my wildest dreams fantasized about acting on it until that night. We both felt very guilty afterward. I even tried to cut off contact with Laura for awhile, but she kept calling me in tears asking what she'd done wrong. I feel horrible, and I am not even attracted to James anymore. We avoid each other as best as we can. I'm struggling with whether I should confess to Laura or not. I can't get over what I did, but should I tell her?

 

A: If you were going to confess, the time for confession was at the time. Cast your mind back to the alternative reality that didn't take place: tears, pain, recrimination, possibly lawyers and divorce. I am not defending cheating or saying the best way to deal with it is to keep it a secret. But I have come to feel that a single episode of it, much regretted and never repeated, is often best forgotten by those concerned. (Certainly you realized that compounding your betrayal by trying to punish Laura was cruel.) It's been four years, so telling Laura now would not only be devastating, but leave her wondering what's the hidden message behind this sudden revelation. It would also likely make her feel the past four years of her life were some kind of farce in which you and James were mocking her and communicating through glances she will now obsessively reinterpret. You say you can't get over what you did, so living with that awful feeling is your penance. Don't also make Laura pay.

___________________________________________

 

While I largely agree with the answer given it dawns on me that if I'm the victim of the affair, I may not feel quite the same way. I'm curious how others feel. So here's my question. If you're Laura (the victim of the affair), do you still agree with the advice given? In other words, if you're the man or woman who was cheated on by your spouse with your best friend (one time) and four years has passed since it happened, is ignorance really bliss or do you still want to know the truth even if everything else in your marriage is going smoothly?

Edited December 30, 2011 by The Blue Knight

[SoMovinOn]

While I largely agree with the answer given it dawns on me that if I'm the victim of the affair, I may not feel quite the same way. I'm curious how others feel. So here's my question. If you're Laura (the victim of the affair), do you still agree with the advice given? In other words, if you're the man or woman who was cheated on by your spouse with your best friend (one time) and four years has passed since it happened, is ignorance really bliss or do you still want to know the truth even if everything else in your marriage is going smoothly?

 

Yes. I agree with the advice. If I had not discovered my STBXW's affairs, I would not want her to confess them some number of years later.

[Severely Unamused]

While I largely agree with the answer given it dawns on me that if I'm the victim of the affair, I may not feel quite the same way. I'm curious how others feel. So here's my question. If you're Laura (the victim of the affair), do you still agree with the advice given? In other words, if you're the man or woman who was cheated on by your spouse with your best friend (one time) and four years has passed since it happened, is ignorance really bliss or do you still want to know the truth even if everything else in your marriage is going smoothly?

 

I disagree with the advice.

 

Ignorance can be bliss.

 

But I'd prefer greater knowledge and information, even if it can be hard to stomach sometimes. Even if it causes me pain.

 

I'm sure that many people would prefer to live a life of ignorance and bliss. I'm just not one of them. Maybe "Laura" is.

[Afishwithabike]

I would want to know if I were Laura.

 

James is not the faithful husband Laura thinks him to be. She deserves to know that truth about her spouse and her married life. If he can sleep so easily with her best friend, it's likely he's done other things with other women. Someone should clue Laura about his cheating. Ideally, it would be him, but cheaters tend to be cowards.

 

I love how this writer calls her feelings " a harmless crush." There was nothing harmless about it. The writer also makes it sound like the whole thing just happened. A meteor hitting a house is something that just happens. What these two did, didn't just happen. There was some premeditation, anticipation and desire between them. I would bet on it.

 

I question this woman's motives for contacting the wife now. I can't believe this OW's motives are altruistic. Does she still harbor some feelings for the husband for whom she admitted she had a crush? Does she hope revealing the news will split Laura and James apart? With friends like this who needs enemies!

[The Blue Knight]

I disagree with the advice.

 

Ignorance can be bliss.

 

But I'd prefer greater knowledge and information, even if it can be hard to stomach sometimes. Even if it causes me pain.

 

I'm sure that many people would prefer to live a life of ignorance and bliss. I'm just not one of them. Maybe "Laura" is.

 

I kind of lean your way I think SU. I don't think it's that I'd want to know as much as it's about a relationship founded on the cornerstone of truth. At the same time one could argue how much truth is good in a relationship? We all have fantasies and thoughts about the opposite sex at times. None of us are stupid enough to share those private thoughts with our spouses, especially if we love them.

[The Blue Knight]

I would want to know if I were Laura.

 

James is not the faithful husband Laura thinks him to be. She deserves to know that truth about her spouse and her married life. If he can sleep so easily with her best friend, it's likely he's done other things with other women. Someone should clue Laura about his cheating. Ideally, it would be him, but cheaters tend to be cowards.

 

I love how this writer calls her feelings " a harmless crush." There was nothing harmless about it. The writer also makes it sound like the whole thing just happened. A meteor hitting a house is something that just happens. What these two did, didn't just happen. There was some premeditation, anticipation and desire between them. I would bet on it.

 

I question this woman's motives for contacting the wife now. I can't believe this OW's motives are altruistic. Does she still harbor some feelings for the husband for whom she admitted she had a crush? Does she hope revealing the news will split Laura and James apart? With friends like this who needs enemies!

I agree with everything you said fish. Affairs seldom just "happen." However there are times when the "Fatal Attraction" affair does happen. You just met the person that evening. You had no intention of cheating. The circumstances fall into place. You were drinking. You're wife is out of town. You're getting hit on by an attractive female. Mind you I'm not arguing that it's okay. I'm just playing the devil's advocate to what you wrote. And what if this was the one time James did it? What if they both just slipped and it was that one time? Would you still feel the same? You're the wife and James has been a stellar husband and devoted spouse for many years. But this one thing happened four years ago with your BF and it shouldn't have. Do you still want to know if indeed that's the actual situation?

[KathyM]

Laura should be told the truth. She has a right to know that her marriage was violated. It is HER marriage, after all, not just the husband's marriage, and should be her decision whether to stay or not after the truth is revealed. If the truth is not revealed, that decision is taken away from her, and it rightfully belongs to her. She has a right to decide how she wants to live her life, and with whom, based on the truth. Secrecy takes away her right to decide her own life for herself.

[DonJuanInc]

There will always be a deep division on this issue. If I'm dating a woman who is emotionally stable enough to handle the truth (I wouldn't date any other kind) I would tell her.

 

If I were a different person who dates the type of women who live by "If you cheat I'm leaving you" it might be different. In this case, if I messed up once and knew I wouldn't do it again, I wouldn't tell her. What would be the point? I cause her a bunch of pain and get a guaranteed breakup. Or, I learned my lesson, don't tell her, and things are great.

[KathyM]

There will always be a deep division on this issue. If I'm dating a woman who is emotionally stable enough to handle the truth (I wouldn't date any other kind) I would tell her.

 

If I were a different person who dates the type of women who live by "If you cheat I'm leaving you" it might be different. In this case, if I messed up once and knew I wouldn't do it again, I wouldn't tell her. What would be the point? I cause her a bunch of pain and get a guaranteed breakup. Or, I learned my lesson, don't tell her, and things are great.

So, in other words, what you are saying is that what you want (which is for the relationship to continue) should take precedence over a woman's right to decide her own future based on the truth. The point of telling her is to allow her the right to make decisions about her own life, and not be trying to make those decisions for her based on lies. You really have no right to do that. Everyone deserves the truth when it affects their life.

[Severely Unamused]

 

I kind of lean your way I think SU. I don't think it's that I'd want to know as much as it's about a relationship founded on the cornerstone of truth. At the same time one could argue how much truth is good in a relationship? We all have fantasies and thoughts about the opposite sex at times. None of us are stupid enough to share those private thoughts with our spouses, especially if we love them.

 

I agree. Everybody has their boundaries when it comes to dealing with the truth. I have no interest in being educated on my stbxH's bowel movements, for instance.

 

Hence why it is important to communicate with your SO about such issues.

 

Assuming Laura said "If you ever cheat, I expect you to tell me. No exceptions. Doesn't matter how long it's been, I want to know. I may choose to break up with you but I have enough trust in you, that I believe you will be honest with me", this is a fairly black and white issue. Otherwise...the situation may be more complex.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Lauriebell82]

I would want to know if I was Laura...even 4 years later. Mainly because I would want to divorce my husband and disown my friend for the betrayal.

 

I love how the advice giver said that telling Laura would make her feel like the past four years of her life were some kind of farce in which the poster and James were mocking her and communicating through glances she will now obsessively reinterpret..well DUH. That's the position they put her in by cheating! Sheesh. Poor Laura.

[Afishwithabike]

I agree with everything you said fish. Affairs seldom just "happen." However there are times when the "Fatal Attraction" affair does happen. You just met the person that evening. You had no intention of cheating. The circumstances fall into place. You were drinking. You're wife is out of town. You're getting hit on by an attractive female. Mind you I'm not arguing that it's okay. I'm just playing the devil's advocate to what you wrote. And what if this was the one time James did it? What if they both just slipped and it was that one time? Would you still feel the same? You're the wife and James has been a stellar husband and devoted spouse for many years. But this one thing happened four years ago with your BF and it shouldn't have. Do you still want to know if indeed that's the actual situation?

 

Even if it happened "just one time", it wouldn't change a thing in my mind. Is it ok if I rob a bank one time and vow never to do it again?

 

Blue Knight - the drinking scenario you described above shows that he has very weak boundaries. So he's only strong if I'm there or if an unattractive woman hits on him? What a catch!

 

What good is a husband like that? It's what we do when we're the most tempted that tells me the character of a person.

 

You can't have a marriage based on lies, secrets and deceit. I guarantee that on some level his infidelity has affected his marriage even if the wife doesn't know about the cheating. A person with a conscience would have guilt and that guilt is going to affect the intimacy of the marriage. The wife may wonder why he's acting so distant, emotionally withdrawn and different. She might end up blaming herself for the distance between them when it reality it's all his fault.

 

It's better to come clean then go forward with reconciliation ( if the betrayed spouse wants to reconcile) from a place of honesty and true remorse. How can you have true remorse without honesty? Also, it's not the honesty that's going to cause pain for the betrayed spouse. It's the affair. The affair has already happened. The betrayed spouse doesn't know about it. It's like having cancer that's undetected in the body. It's still there doing its damage. You just don't know it. So the continued coverup of the affair is damaging the marriage on various levels. It's just the other spouse doesn't know the true cause of the marital problems.

 

Withholding such information from me is incredibly patronizing. So he gets to decide how much I can handle? Am I five year old or a grown woman?

If my husband withheld the truth from me that way, it would be manipulative, cowardly and disrespectful. Cowardly because he's ultimately protecting himself from the natural consequences of his actions. Patronizing because he would be deciding for me what's best for my life. He's deciding for me the truth of my life. As a sane, mentally competent adult, I get to make those decisions, not him, not anyone else. I would have liked to have been respected enough as a human being that one of the people who knew could have told me the truth about something that happened in my life.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Afishwithabike
typos

[beenburned]

I wholly agree with "afishwithabike's" answer!!

 

Men who have bad boundries,, and cheat without getting caught, usually go on to repeat it at a later date with someone else.

 

If the wife is made aware of her H's actions, she will never be naive or blindly trusting again.

 

Also she will probably make different decisions about her future, knowing she needs to have her best interest at heart since she can't trust or rely on him.

 

Someone also mentioned how she was treated in her marriage at the time of his cheating, there are almost always signs in which the wife misunderstands.(due to her being naive) And even if she confronts him, he will deny, lie, or gaslight her until she feels crazy.

 

BTDT !! The truth is always better for the victim. Knowledge is power!

[Eve]

I would want to know mainly because I would more than likely have sensed something and providing that validation would be the decent thing a spouse should do, I think.

 

I don't know how couples survive such things. I would consider both relationships stained but can't imagine leaving my Hubby. There is a high probablility (95% chance) that I would but I don't like to even think about that level of betrayal.

 

Man..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[SoMovinOn]

Is it ok if I rob a bank one time and vow never to do it again?

 

Is it ok? No. Should it be a death sentence? No. Even our legal systems recognize that committing a crime, with a very few rare exceptions, not only shouldn't be a life sentence, but, that it need be discovered and prosecuted in a set period of time (statute of limitations).

[Spark1111]

I wholly agree with "afishwithabike's" answer!!

 

Men who have bad boundries,, and cheat without getting caught, usually go on to repeat it at a later date with someone else.

 

If the wife is made aware of her H's actions, she will never be naive or blindly trusting again.

 

Also she will probably make different decisions about her future, knowing she needs to have her best interest at heart since she can't trust or rely on him.

 

Someone also mentioned how she was treated in her marriage at the time of his cheating, there are almost always signs in which the wife misunderstands.(due to her being naive) And even if she confronts him, he will deny, lie, or gaslight her until she feels crazy.

 

BTDT !! The truth is always better for the victim. Knowledge is power!

 

I love when these hypotheticals come up for discourse.

 

Blue Knight, here is the answer:

 

How would YOU feel if your wife had too much to drink and had sex with your best friend one night four years ago and he started to avoid YOU for reasons you couldn't fathom?????

 

Would you want to know?

[2sunny]

The W (Laura) deserves to know what her H is capable of doing that causes harm.

 

His behavior shows his lack of character.

 

So does the "friend".

 

How can she know without the truth? She can't!

 

IF she knew - she could have choices based on the truth (what transpired) - then she could decide if she intends to stay with the cheater or not.

 

Without their truth - they have taken away her ability to make a decision based on what's real.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

BK, back when there were many posts about open marriage's, and such, I posted this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257893/

 

Simply you are on LS and you will get very few people outside on OW/OM who will ever condone any cheating of any type for any reason.

 

My thread had much the same results and comments. I admit I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, especially if it meant she was truly remorseful (or more importantly she wanted more sex)......

[Lostinlife4now]

If I was Laura, I would want to know......

 

Then I can make the decision to forgive or move on.....It would be up to me....if he could cheat with my best friend, I know he would cheat again!!!!!

[The Blue Knight]

Even if it happened "just one time", it wouldn't change a thing in my mind. Is it ok if I rob a bank one time and vow never to do it again?

 

Blue Knight - the drinking scenario you described above shows that he has very weak boundaries. So he's only strong if I'm there or if an unattractive woman hits on him? What a catch!

 

What good is a husband like that? It's what we do when we're the most tempted that tells me the character of a person.

 

You can't have a marriage based on lies, secrets and deceit. I guarantee that on some level his infidelity has affected his marriage even if the wife doesn't know about the cheating. A person with a conscience would have guilt and that guilt is going to affect the intimacy of the marriage. The wife may wonder why he's acting so distant, emotionally withdrawn and different. She might end up blaming herself for the distance between them when it reality it's all his fault.

 

It's better to come clean then go forward with reconciliation ( if the betrayed spouse wants to reconcile) from a place of honesty and true remorse. How can you have true remorse without honesty? Also, it's not the honesty that's going to cause pain for the betrayed spouse. It's the affair. The affair has already happened. The betrayed spouse doesn't know about it. It's like having cancer that's undetected in the body. It's still there doing its damage. You just don't know it. So the continued coverup of the affair is damaging the marriage on various levels. It's just the other spouse doesn't know the true cause of the marital problems.

 

Withholding such information from me is incredibly patronizing. So he gets to decide how much I can handle? Am I five year old or a grown woman?

If my husband withheld the truth from me that way, it would be manipulative, cowardly and disrespectful. Cowardly because he's ultimately protecting himself from the natural consequences of his actions. Patronizing because he would be deciding for me what's best for my life. He's deciding for me the truth of my life. As a sane, mentally competent adult, I get to make those decisions, not him, not anyone else. I would have liked to have been respected enough as a human being that one of the people who knew could have told me the truth about something that happened in my life.

As usual I find myself in agreement with much of what you wrote.

[The Blue Knight]

I love when these hypotheticals come up for discourse.

 

Blue Knight, here is the answer:

 

How would YOU feel if your wife had too much to drink and had sex with your best friend one night four years ago and he started to avoid YOU for reasons you couldn't fathom?????

 

Would you want to know?

Actually that's exactly why I posted the question Spark. Because even though I agreed with the answer (assuming it was a one time thing and these two individuals both realized it was a mistake) when I put myself in the place of Laura I wasn't so sure I agreed with the answer.

 

The answer to your question is absolutely I'd want to know even if 10 years went by and all was good between my wife and I. But I'm a person who believes a relationship must have 100% honesty or it can fall apart very quickly. I can deal with honesty. I can't deal with deceit and lies. Which brings up another subject. If someone waits four years to tell you, then they effectively kept the truth from you for four years. Not good.

[The Blue Knight]

BK, back when there were many posts about open marriage's, and such, I posted this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257893/

 

Simply you are on LS and you will get very few people outside on OW/OM who will ever condone any cheating of any type for any reason.

 

My thread had much the same results and comments. I admit I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, especially if it meant she was truly remorseful (or more importantly she wanted more sex)......

I looked over your survey and yes, the results appear to be very similar. I ran this question by my wife last night and she said it was a tough decision between blissful ignorance (assuming all else was fine) and the desire to know the truth.

 

Regarding your survey, I'd have to say that I'd prefer the open marriage proposal to having my wife cheat on me. At least in that case I have some control and the ability to say yes or no verses having no say whatsoever.