Why do these jealous feelings pop up?

[hmmmreally]

My husband has a best friend for the past 10-12 years. He takes this friendship, like his others VERY seriously. The problem is his bf wife. The other couple have cheated multiple times yet remain together. My husband has told me multiple times he doesn't approve of that but he avoids that subject when they are together. They also disagree on politics so they avoid that subject as well.

 

A little background. My husband & I got together at 18. He was a virgin. His friends ragged him constantly that a lady could stand naked in front of him and he wouldn't get the hint. We have been married over a decade and I know he takes his vows very seriously. I also know the type women he finds attractive.....hair color, glasses, girl next door look. He has numerous female friends and family we have been around throughout the years and never have I been jealous. This chick is different thoigh.

 

She meets all his criteria and I know he finds her attractive. Thing is I've noticed some blushing and a smile he doesn't usually smile when he is around her. In return I've noticed she 'accidentally' touches him more than I think she should.

 

I spoke with him about it and he admitted that yes she does fit his normal attractive criteria but A) he's married and loves me very much and B) even if we weren't that is his bf wife and he wouldn't betray that trust either.

 

I'm around when they are together, which is not very often, but lnowing her past it makes me uncomfortable. Like I said I really don't think he even notices her flirting but I sure do. On his bday she knew he liked cartoony pictures so she sent him one that I found inappropriate. It was on fb so I could see and he agreed it wasn't normal.

 

I know he loves me and our marriage is strong but I do not like this chick. He asked if he should just stop being around them. I don't want him to do that because I know how much his best friend means to him.

 

I get along well with them both but I get an uneasy feeling about how I perceive her feelings toward my husband to be. I also believe he may have a slight crush...one he doesn't even recognize.

 

He spends every hour he's not at work with oir family. He tells me and SHOWS me everyday how much he loves me so why can't I just let it go?

 

He has had numerous other female friends and these feelings have never been here. Is it because I know she's a serial cheater and worry she's got her sights set on my man? Is it because she's a serial cheater that I imagine things that aren't really there?

 

I know men will, during the course of a long and successful marriage, find others attractive...it's human nature. So by my getting visibly frustrated am I pushing him in her direction?

 

I know he values our family above all else so shouldn't that be enough? Insight or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[The Blue Knight]

My husband has a best friend for the past 10-12 years. He takes this friendship, like his others VERY seriously. The problem is his bf wife. The other couple have cheated multiple times yet remain together. My husband has told me multiple times he doesn't approve of that but he avoids that subject when they are together. They also disagree on politics so they avoid that subject as well.

 

A little background. My husband & I got together at 18. He was a virgin. His friends ragged him constantly that a lady could stand naked in front of him and he wouldn't get the hint. We have been married over a decade and I know he takes his vows very seriously. I also know the type women he finds attractive.....hair color, glasses, girl next door look. He has numerous female friends and family we have been around throughout the years and never have I been jealous. This chick is different thoigh.

 

She meets all his criteria and I know he finds her attractive. Thing is I've noticed some blushing and a smile he doesn't usually smile when he is around her. In return I've noticed she 'accidentally' touches him more than I think she should.

 

I spoke with him about it and he admitted that yes she does fit his normal attractive criteria but A) he's married and loves me very much and B) even if we weren't that is his bf wife and he wouldn't betray that trust either.

 

I'm around when they are together, which is not very often, but lnowing her past it makes me uncomfortable. Like I said I really don't think he even notices her flirting but I sure do. On his bday she knew he liked cartoony pictures so she sent him one that I found inappropriate. It was on fb so I could see and he agreed it wasn't normal.

 

I know he loves me and our marriage is strong but I do not like this chick. He asked if he should just stop being around them. I don't want him to do that because I know how much his best friend means to him.

 

I get along well with them both but I get an uneasy feeling about how I perceive her feelings toward my husband to be. I also believe he may have a slight crush...one he doesn't even recognize.

 

He spends every hour he's not at work with oir family. He tells me and SHOWS me everyday how much he loves me so why can't I just let it go?

 

He has had numerous other female friends and these feelings have never been here. Is it because I know she's a serial cheater and worry she's got her sights set on my man? Is it because she's a serial cheater that I imagine things that aren't really there?

 

I know men will, during the course of a long and successful marriage, find others attractive...it's human nature. So by my getting visibly frustrated am I pushing him in her direction?

 

I know he values our family above all else so shouldn't that be enough? Insight or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

Interesting dilemma hmmmm. You're obviously not the jealous type because this isn't something you've experienced from his other female friends. That's a good thing. Serial jealousy destroys relationships.

 

I would say your "female" senses are worth following. I'm a guy and I know when a guy is subtly hitting on a woman even if she doesn't pick up on it. So follow your gut instinct.

 

I doubt that your husband is that naive 10 years into your marriage that he doesn't pick up on her flirtatiousness. He may be good at remaining neutral in how he handles it, but most guys by his age and with 10 years of marriage will at the very least suspect it. As you said, he blushes when she makes comments so he's very much tuned into the fact that she's tuned into him.

 

Your husband obviously loves you and is considerate of your feelings. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to always include you in the plans if this other woman is going to be anywhere close by. That way, he can still see his BF and you can feel a sense of comfort.

 

Just convey to him that you sense that with her somewhat sullied background with men and your perceptions when you're around her, you'd feel far more comfortable if you were always present if she was around.

 

Obviously I don't know when and where he meets his BF so hopefully this is logistically sound advise.

 

Your husband sounds like an honest, loving, devoted spouse, so I don't think he'd have any problem honoring this request.

 

There are a couple of things to be aware of and I'm not throwing these things out to beat up on your husband. He sounds like a good guy. One thing is that sometimes men (and women) who have had limited sexual experiences before marriage are curious because they've always been with one person. I think this is normal by the way. But this might be what this other woman would seek to exploit.

 

Keep in mind that even happily married men fall, particularly when they least expect too. I don't know your husband and he sounds like he could hold up well if tempted. At the same time I say, why even let him get into that situation if it can be avoided? Men as I'm sure you know are built to think of sex often for the sake of sex, and nothing more. It's our curse that it's on our mind far too much. I'm like your husband in that I need a deeper relationship to be fulfilled. But being a man I also recognize that I could be tempted under the right circumstances . . . which by the way is why I pretty much avoid those circumstances to begin with.

 

Hope this helps. Keep us up to date if you would. I'd like to see if this woman takes her shot at some point.

[hmmmreally]

Thank you Blue Knight.

 

I will say my husband does not see this friend very often at all. Maybe once every month or two. I am also usually with him. Him knowing my concerns he has stated he will not be around here without me around.

 

As far as him never having had other partners I don't believe that is a huge issue for him anymore. When we first got married it was more of an issue. We had some problems at the beginning of our marriage but always worked them out. This was one of them. We talked through it, he shared his views, concerns, etc. At the point we are now I no longer believe it bothers him. He looks at porn from time to time. I blew up over it once because of some meds he was on but again we worked through it together. He is an excellent provider for our family and he takes that role very seriously. He takes his commitment to our marriage very seriously. He is not willing to throw away what we've worked so hard to build over the years for a fling that in the grand scheme of things isn't going to provide him with some greatness he missed out on.

 

Like I said it doesn't have anything to do with trusting him. I just do not like certain things about her! In some regards I think of her as a good friend but in other ways I honestly can't stand her. I have a huge problem with the cheating that has occurred in her marriage zapping any and all respect I may have for her. It's hard to want to be around someone who you have that little respect for. I just don't like some of the looks she gives my husband, the way she slightly brushes his arm, the certain smiles she gives him. Aside from the blushing a hair my husband doesn't really reciprocate I just still feel the urge to pounce whenever I see her do this.

 

After discussing this with my husband we've been around them once. My husband hung out with his best friend mostly. Yet I still noticed little things she said, looks, her making a point to go up to him, etc. He did not reciprocate AT ALL! No blushing this time either. Yet I still left so ticked off.

 

I don't want to stop being friends with these people yet I don't want to be around them either. I don't want to confront her to back off but I don't want to just pretend like I don't notice either. Maybe if she had not be such a cheat in the past I wouldn't feel this way....maybe I am overreacting...sometimes I really don't know.

[Afishwithabike]

Trust your instinct.

Stop politely seething inside. You don't have to be a total witch about it, but say something.

I don't know what you can do about the smiles she gives him, but if you're uncomfortable with the way she touches your husband, you could call her out on it in somewhat lighthearted way, but while making it clear it's not acceptable. Say something like "Hey (whatever her name is)! Only I get to touch him that way" or "Go touch your own guy" or something along those lines, but hold the stare and no smile so she knows you know what she's doing.

[KathyM]

Some women are so lame and have no boundaries. It's pathetic, really. You are not overreacting to feel uncomfortable with her inappropriate behavior. I've experienced in my own marriage having divorced women come on to my husband, sending him inappropriate Emails, calling him under the guise of business, and turning it into other discussions, flirting with him while he's working for them or at events where they see him, even right in front of me. Very annoying to say the least. Some women have no shame and no boundaries, and will go after what they want regardless of if the guy is married. I have had to write back to these women who have Emailed my husband. I've had to make sure I was especially affectionate to my husband in front of these women, or call him while he was working for them with a lot of "I love yous" so they get the message to keep their hands off. So I would recommend you and your husband share the same fb account, or even eliminate the fb account altogether, make sure you are snuggling up to your husband while in the presence of this woman, and make sure your husband knows that you are onto her inappropriate behavior, and instruct him how to maintain appropriate boundaries (such as backing away when she's getting inappropriately close, etc.) A lot of men are clueless when it comes to enforcing boundaries, and they don't recognize a vulture when they see it. But women are generally more aware of this stuff, and do recognize when a woman is crossing a boundary. Do what it takes to protect your marriage, because there are certainly women out there who will not respect it, and this woman is obviously one of them.

[Breezy Trousers]

Some women are so lame and have no boundaries. It's pathetic, really. You are not overreacting to feel uncomfortable with her inappropriate behavior. I've experienced in my own marriage having divorced women come on to my husband, sending him inappropriate Emails, calling him under the guise of business, and turning it into other discussions, flirting with him while he's working for them or at events where they see him, even right in front of me. Very annoying to say the least. Some women have no shame and no boundaries, and will go after what they want regardless of if the guy is married. I have had to write back to these women who have Emailed my husband. I've had to make sure I was especially affectionate to my husband in front of these women, or call him while he was working for them with a lot of "I love yous" so they get the message to keep their hands off. So I would recommend you and your husband share the same fb account, or even eliminate the fb account altogether, make sure you are snuggling up to your husband while in the presence of this woman, and make sure your husband knows that you are onto her inappropriate behavior, and instruct him how to maintain appropriate boundaries (such as backing away when she's getting inappropriately close, etc.) A lot of men are clueless when it comes to enforcing boundaries, and they don't recognize a vulture when they see it. But women are generally more aware of this stuff, and do recognize when a woman is crossing a boundary. Do what it takes to protect your marriage, because there are certainly women out there who will not respect it, and this woman is obviously one of them.

 

Agree. Your husband sounds like a great guy but probably needs to learn to set clearer boundaries and not be so flattered by the opposite sex's attention. A married person whose body language firmly says "off limits" will never be approached by a member of the opposite sex like that. People with firm boundaries and a certain confidence simply don't attract people with poor boundaries. People with poor boundaries only want to dance with other people with poor boundaries. They intuit they can.

 

People with poor boundaries aren't safe people. They tend to be great at seduction (early relationship) but are horrible at intimacy (long term relationship). They know this deep down, so they prefer to stay in seduction mode. That usually requires finding someone new to flirt with. Of course, all "new" people eventually grow "old", so that requires finding someone new again to seduce ... That's when serial affairs tend to come into play ..... People with poor boundary function are also good at picking out the "nicest" people in the crowd to target because "nice" people are eager to please. Easy pickings!

 

I was easygoing & innocent about women approaching my husband when I was younger. I didn't think twice about it! I never considered doing anything inappropriate with other women's partners, so I just assumed people thought & acted the way I did. After experiencing two infidelities, both involving women I knew? Life changed. My eyes were opened.

 

Stay relaxed but always heed your intuition. Don't second guess yourself. If you suspect this woman is trouble, she is. If your husband firmly closes the door to her with his conversation & his body language, she'll eventually go away and find someone else (this time, with poor boundaries) to play with. People like her always do.

[KathyM]

Agree. Your husband sounds like a great guy but probably needs to learn to set clearer boundaries and not be so flattered by the opposite sex's attention. A married person whose body language firmly says "off limits" will never be approached by a member of the opposite sex like that. People with firm boundaries and a certain confidence simply don't attract people with poor boundaries. People with poor boundaries only want to dance with other people with poor boundaries. They intuit they can.

 

People with poor boundaries aren't safe people. They tend to be great at seduction (early relationship) but are horrible at intimacy (long term relationship). They know this deep down, so they prefer to stay in seduction mode. That usually requires finding someone new to flirt with. Of course, all "new" people eventually grow "old", so that requires finding someone new again to seduce ... That's when serial affairs tend to come into play ..... People with poor boundary function are also good at picking out the "nicest" people in the crowd to target because "nice" people are eager to please. Easy pickings!

 

I was easygoing & innocent about women approaching my husband when I was younger. I didn't think twice about it! I never considered doing anything inappropriate with other women's partners, so I just assumed people thought & acted the way I did. After experiencing two infidelities, both involving women I knew? Life changed. My eyes were opened.

 

Stay relaxed but always heed your intuition. Don't second guess yourself. If you suspect this woman is trouble, she is. If your husband firmly closes the door to her with his conversation & his body language, she'll eventually go away and find someone else (this time, with poor boundaries) to play with. People like her always do.

This is good advice, except I would not agree with the part about that people are never approached if they have off limits body language. I've always been careful not to encourage men, not giving them signs or openings for them to approach, and they still do. Same thing with my husband. He never encourages these women, but they still blatantly show interest. My sister has had women come up to the table where her and her husband were sitting and openly flirt with her husband right in front of her, knowing full well that they are married. Men have also done this to my sister as soon as her husband leaves the table for a moment, knowing full well that she is married. People are really brazen it seems. They don't respect marriage, and they pursue who they want to pursue. That's why you have to know how to act to protect your marriage from these threats, and you have to teach your husband what boundaries should be respected in a marriage and how to behave when a woman crosses those boundaries. I've had to teach my husband that when a business conversation turns to other topics, it's time to end the call. Or when a client asks him personal questions or offers up personal information, to bring the subject back to business topics. So I would recommend, as I mentioned, with regard to the facebook, a joint facebook account would be in order, with a picture of you and your husband together, so that she knows you see whatever is on that fb account. Encourage your husband to see his guy friend separately and avoid these couple dates with this particular couple. For the times you can't really avoid seeing them, make sure you stick close to your husband and demonstrate that you are a happy couple (sit close, hold hands, make warm gestures to your husband) so she gets the message you are happily married. Let him know he needs to make sure his tone of voice and eye contact is appropriate and not encouraging her in any way. Make sure he knows how to enforce appropriate physical distance. Something is not right if she is able to "accidentally" touch him. You need to set boundaries and teach him how to maintain them, and be sure to let him know how much you love and trust him, and how much you value his faithfulness.

[hmmmreally]

Thanks everyone. Your insight and advice have been very helpful. Interesting turn of events this weekend. Saturday my husband asked if he could go to his best friend's house Saturday night w/o the kids and I. I immediately said "No". I told him after the discussions we had I was hurt that he would even ask. He immediately said O.K. he would not go but really still could not understand my jealousy. I just did not approve of the way his friend's wife behaved around him. His response was she can't do anything unless he's willing and he's not!! I explained that yes that is true but it's not always what is happening as much as it is the perception. If I see how she behaves she is surely aware and him showing up without me could give her the idea that he is O.K. with everything. His response was it shouldn't matter what she thinks because that isn't the case. I know that is true so why does it bother me so much what she may think??

 

I felt bad saying no because my husband asks to do so little. He goes to work and comes home. That's it!! In the past he would go to his friend's house alone once in a while but over the past year he hasn't even done that. As a SAHM I have free time during the day and I occasionally meet a friend for lunch. He doesn't even do that becaise he works so far from home. I told him I would be more than happy for he and his friend to go out or him to go over w/o the wife there but her there makes me uncomfortable.

 

I found something over the past few weeks that I had decided to keep to myself but after our conversation I decided to tell him. As I stated before his friend and his wife had both cheated on each other in the past hence my lack of respect or trust for her. My husband doesn't like it but thinks if they love each other enough to work past it it's our place to judge. I recently found out his best friend has a dating profile that he is still very active on. I told my husband this and it really shocked him. I told him if I could find it so easily it would be equally easy for his wife to find. What better way for her to stick it to her husband than to go after his best friend? Obviously their relationship isn't mended like we've been led to believe.

 

This was quite the wakeup call to my husband. His bf has always had a 2nd fb page that he didn't want his wife to know about but my husband had always pushed that to the side saying he said stuff their he didn't like his family to see, etc. My husband and I are his friend on both and he does say some pretty R rated stuff so I let it go to but the dating profile is a whole different story.

 

Kathy M. I'm not sure a single fb profile is the best option for us as I have numerous former work collegues and high school friends I keep in contact with while my husband only has about 30 friends. I am friends with his bf, both profiles, and his wife though. I also know my husband's password. I never use it but I know it. Also after the bday pic. I found inappropriate my husband wrote a very long, heartfelt post on my page about how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. Since we are both friends with her it would have shown up on her newsfeed.

 

After this weekend I really think my husband has a much greater understanding of where I'm coming from. I think he finally understands what a shamble their marriage is in and that she may be willing to go after anyone because she's obviously not getting the love and attention at home that most women desire. One thing my husband has always admited about her is a few years ago his bf was in an accident and in ICU for a month. She was 8 months pregnant at the time and spent the ENTIRE time at the hospital. My husband said this showed love and compassion far above what many people today are capable of. For this he has always admired her and it bothered him a lot that his friend repaid her by cheating. The reason I wasn't going to show my husband the dating profile I didn't want him to look at her as a victim and feel sympathy for her. I hope he feels the same as I do that we can't respect them and it's hard to build a friendship with no respect. It's a huge sign that trust in a relationship means very little to them.

 

I know if it were any other friend my husband would have cut ties long ago. My husband however takes the word friend VERY seriously so he has very few friends. I know that his bf is one of the few people (family included) who if we had an emergency at 3 o'clock in the morning we could call him and he would be there NO QUESTIONS ASKED. It wouldn't matter if my husband called, if I called or one of our children called. He would ask where he needed to be and be there as soon as humanly possible. It's almost impossible to find a friend like that.

 

I felt awful this weekend putting my dislike of the wife over my husband's rare wish to have some free time. I feel so guilty when I bring these things up when my husband shows me day in and day out how much he loves me. When he constantly does little things that truly show how much he cherishes and appreciates me. When he will talk to me about my concerns and I can tell by the look in his eyes and his body language that I have no need to fear that he'll cheat on me. Yet she remains a thorn in my side. Do other women feel this way? Does the thought of what another female may be thinking drive their emotions as strongly as they are driving mine right now? Why do I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't want my husband resenting me for hurting his friendship but I don't want to have to deal with these feelings and have these conversations every time he goes around them.

 

Maybe it's the fact I've never experienced jealousy before that it's hitting so hard......