What a putz I've been! (long)

[RichR]

Ready? Here goes:

 

My wife of 15 years and I are headed for divorce, and there's nothing that will stop it, save for a miracle on par with the virgin birth. It's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, but I've finally reached it.

 

Why? Read on.

 

In November of 2010, my brother, who was single at the time, was on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. There, he saw my wife's profile and photo. He called me and we met at Starbucks, where he told me what he found. I checked it out when I got home and, sure enough, there she was, my darling wife whom I trusted implicitly. I confronted her about it when she got home.

 

Of course, she poo-pooed it as just a way to meet interesting people:rolleyes:. Since I could not believe she would cheat on me, I believed her (PUTZ!), and didn't think a whole lot more about it. Fast forward to early June 2011, things were not going well between us and she seemed to be getting more distant. My suspicions were piqued and I asked her point blank if she was having an affair with anyone, and she emphatically said no.

 

I didn't believe her and I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on, so I decided to check her e-mail. (Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I've always given her free latitude to come and go as she pleases because controlling someone is next to impossible anyway, not to mention a recipe for insanity.) I downloaded a keylogger program and obtained her password. When I logged on to her account, what a treasure trove of information on her infidelity, with more than one partner, I found.

 

Naturally, I did the exact wrong thing and confronted her about my find; that was on June 15. She denied everything and then had the termerity to became belligerent about me spying on her! She said nothing was going on and these were just friends. After a long talk, I told her I accepted her explanation (DOUBLE PUTZ!) only because she's always been honest with me in the past. She took down her profile on POF, something I thought she had done long before, and things were okay for a while, or so I thought.

 

Although I was in denial, I still had my suspicions. I checked her e-mail regularly (I told her I hacked the password, not that I used a program to get her password, so even though she changed her password, I was able to keep abreast of her activities; hey, I owe no duty of honesty, something I was always srupulous about prior to this disaster, to a person who would lie right to my face.) and I found that she was seeing one guy less than a mile from our home.

 

His name was on his e-mail, so I researched it and found his address. On the day I found out where he lived, I saw my wife's car parked outside his place; it was there for at least an hour that I saw, and probably a lot longer.

 

But this time I decided to play it cool and not confront her with something she would just deny anyway. Believe me, it wasn't easy, but I did it. Meanwhile, I wracked my brain trying to figure a way to find out definitively what the hell was going on in there. Then it came to me: electronics!

 

I won't go into the details of how I got the information, but suffice it to say that no reasonably intelligent person could deny that the information I gathered could be anything but two people screwing their brains out. This was on August 20.

 

But when I presented the evidence, my wife denied it was her. She again became belligerent about me spying on her. The next day she tried blunt the overwhelming evidence against her and told me that he was just giving her a massage. I told her people who are getting a massage don't sound like that. Then she changed her story and tired to act like she was going to come clean and tell me her version of what really happened. She essentially said that she was sexually frustrated (news to me) and that he was showing her how to use a vibrator, but that he was not having sex with her! Then, as if to lend credence to her fairy tale, she showed me a vibrator from her nightstand drawer.

 

I told her that we were done if she ever saw this guy again. I also called the guy and told him that I knew what was going on and to stop it, and then I hung up the phone before he could protest. I also insisted that SHE call him up and tell him it was over, but she never got around to doing it.

 

She quickly wrote her paramour and told him what I had done, but that he shouldn't worry because she still wanted to continue with him. She also said that if she did call him and say that it was over, that he should just ignore it because I was behind it. She said she would think of some way to see him again. Almost a month-and-a-half later, she did.

 

I bided my time and knew that I would confront both of them the next time they got together. On Oct. 2, I got my chance. She met him in a secluded park not too far from our house. It took me a while to find the place and when I drove into the inlet off of the road their cars were parked next to each other. They must have just finished their liason shortly before, as I actually saw in my headlights my wife zipping up her jeans. I jumped out of my car, pepper spray in hand just in case he had any ideas of playing hero, and the look on their faces was a priceless; a mixture of shock, shame, and surprise.

 

I asked the guy if he thought it was okay to "F*** another man's wife?" He didn't say anything, but he sheepishly shook his head no. My wife tried to smooth things over, but I told her she should do things honorably (insert laugh here) and just divorce me. I said a few other things to the d***head, and then ended with the bon mot, "I know where you live." He still said nothing, just stood there apparently scared. Then I drove home.

 

When she got home a short time later, I did not want to see her, so I tried to back out of the driveway, but she physically blocked the car's path. Later, I figured out that it wasn't because she feared for me driving in my agitated state, but that she thought I was going to go to the fool's house and hurt him, a scenario that couldn't have been farther from my mind.

 

I went back into the house, where we had words for a couple of hours. She actually had the audacity to claim that she went there to tell him it was over! When she asked how I found them, I told her I followed her, but I actually found out the details from her e-mail (she still doesn't know here e-mail has been compromised). I finally went to sleep, mentally exhausted.

 

Early the next morning, she told me she didn't want a divorce and reiterated that she was just saying goodbye. What a crock. I ignored her for the rest of the day.

 

Shortly thereafter, she e-mailed the guy and told him not to worry, that she told me she was just saying goodbye. He wrote back and told her it was over, that she should concentrate her energies on her marriage and that I obviously still loved her (how very touching, you pr**k). I guess I scared him more than I thought.

 

But does the story end there? No, well it did with that guy, but there's a new stud on the horizon. A couple of weeks ago she e-mailed someone new, and they've been in communication since then. In her latest e-mail, she said she wants to meet him next week. I believe this is a new mule for her stall, and I think he's married, so I'll do my best to get some type of photographic evidence on the jerk and get the info. to his wife. It's the least I can do. I already know his name and address .

 

The only person I'm really worried about in all of this is our 10-year-old son. He is a really great little guy, intelligent and sensitive, and he doesn't deserve what's about to befall him.

 

BTW, our fifteenth anniversary is coming up on January 5. Do you think it would be apropos to give divorce papers on that date?

 

It was good to get this all out in black and white. Now that I have, I can't believe what a putz I've been and how I let things go on so long. I think my mind couldn't accept the shock until now. But I'll survive this, I know now.

 

 

It's late, I'm tired, and, if you've made it this far in this tome, thanks.

 

RichR

Edited December 30, 2011 by RichR
Addition

[Binster]

Sorry mate, yes I think jan 5 is a good day to fire the divorce papers at her.

Sorry for you and your son but you can't believe anything she says just get rid of her.

Work on you, your son and the rest of your life. Easy to say I know but staying on to be lied to like this is not an option.

Good look.

[seibert253]

It really sucks, but this is a no-brainer.

 

Let her start off the new year with a brand new set of D papers.

 

Yeah you've been a putz so far, but not anymore.

 

Do the right thing for you.

[lululucy]

I'm really sorry to hear about that. There are no words for how horrible she is, really.. you and your son deserve so much better. Make sure you keep as many records of her cheating as you can for the divorce, especially if you want custody. This is going to be hard but you don't deserve to be treated like that, how someone could have the audacity to find someone new to cheat with after the last schenanigans is beyond me. Serve her those papers bright and early whenever you get them and get her poisonous attitude out of your life.

 

Sorry man.

[NervisPervis]

Yes. Jan 5 will be perfect, if you can get them drawn up by then. If not, Hallmark makes a card for everything. Or you can print one up. Put it in a box with a nice bow. Get your son to a friends. Set the table. Candlelight. Open bottle of wine. Let her know the nice meal will be delivered shortly. "You've got to open this present now. I can't wait! I put so much effort into picking it out. For YOU, my beloved of 15 years..."

[Bryanp]

What a terrible story. She has been playing you for a total fool for a long time and putting your health at risk for STD's. Contact an excellent attorney and serve her divorce papers as soon as you can. She is a real piece of work. Get tested for STD's. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and her excuses show she thinks you are an idiot. (telling you a man is showing her how to use a vibrator). If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[silvermercy]

How can someone take this crap for so long? This post seems totally unbelievable!

[RichR]

Yeah, I guess it does seem totally unbelievable that someone would take another person's s*** for so long, but I can assure you it's true.

 

BTW, at the end of the night of our 15th anniversary I told her I wanted a divorce. No, I did not wait until after we had sex to tell her, as I have no desire for her any longer. She was shocked and one of the first thing she said was what about her health insurance. I told her I wish her well, but this has to be done.

 

Now the wrangling over the details begins. I can't wait to get out of this toxic situation. By this time next month I should be in my own place and she can do as she pleases, not that she doesn't already.

Rich

[seibert253]

Well done Rich.

 

Wishing you the best for the beginning of this new chapter in your life.

[PegNosePete]

Why are you telling her you want a divorce?

You do not need her permission or co-operation.

Just DO it. Action not words. See an attorney ASAP and get it started.

 

And why are YOU going to move to your own place? Do not move out of YOUR home - at least until after you've asked an attorney if it's wise.

[salparadise]

And why are YOU going to move to your own place? Do not move out of YOUR home - at least until after you've asked an attorney if it's wise.

 

I definitely agree with this. You should not have to shoulder the burden of moving out of your home because she cheated. Preserve that recording you got and talk to your attorney about it's usefulness. Also consider obtaining supporting photographic evidence. Depending on what state you live in, being able to prove adultery could determine the monetary split, child custody, who gets to stay in the home and whether or not you'll have to pay her a bunch of alimony for a very long time. You need to play it smart here and look after yourself and your child.