sick with myself!

[goldengirl86]

I just thought i would rant a little it seems to be the thing to do around this time of year. I have not spoken to eMM for a while and the more i think about it the more disgusting this whole thing becomes to me. For instance, me and his wife are practically neighbours so it is hard not to see her. However, i cannot help but notice that she leaves her 3 year old children twins and 6 year old at home late at night why she goes off somewhere, presumely to meet up with that pos husband of her's as they have been forbidden by the courts to have any contact what so ever with one another unless through lawyers. It just goes to show that these people have no respect what so ever, no respect for the Law, marriage, people, there children lives or anything it is disgusting.

 

I was honestly completely taken for a fool by him, i mean seriously if i had knew that they use to hit one another etc, i would never have looked twice at him i dont care if it only happen a "few times" i mean right now they are probably having a good old laugh at my expence, i mean this is the man and women who both tried to force me to take a pregnancy test, and whose wife said that she hoped i was preganant with his child and that the child was disabled and metally retarted, she sat there while he was texting me telling him what to say ( i mean yuck).

 

I mean i worried myself sick over this guy, worried he would go to jail etc and as soon as the knight and shining armour (W) comes to his rescue he ignores me and is all over her. I mean this is the woman who told my dad and the police that she was going to fight for him and protect him, though he tried to kill her twice and threaten to kill her at least 5 times that i am aware off.

 

I honestly think someone has been slipping me crack or something, i mean seriously people actually live like that people like him and her actually exist. and i wanted him so bad, i mean i loved this guy more than anything, and am ashamed that i still do, but WTF was i thinking. I mean seriously im dumbfounded at myself and my actions

 

God i use to wonder why his kids where so scared of him and her, like how his kids use to hide behind me or whisper in my hear when they had done somthing wrong so either mum or dad would not hear, i mean his son started crying before MM even got home as he was scared he was going to get in trouble. and then MM was cool as a cucumber and so loving most of the times with the kids and they seemed more afraid of mum.

 

I think i was seriously misled, i saw him once as the perfect husband he literally did everything, looked after the kids, dinner, cleaning everything while she seemed like she did nothing, though she did work alot too.

 

I mean i did everything for this guy, i mean i wrote notes up for him so he could get a promotion at work, and helped him something she refused to do until she heard i was helping him and by then he had handed it in. I sat there for hours listening to him cry and go on about how he loved us both etc and held his hand, i supported him when he got introuble with the police the first time. I stood up to his wife when she said some horrible things to him, i offered to help with his course work that he had to do for work, plus i use to look after his kids and clean his house and do his washing and ignored certain times when i did not acccept money from them as i use to work for them as you can tell and i refused money as the kids did not have much food in the house.

 

 

Sorry for the Rambling im sure they make no sence just venting and sick with myself at the thought that once upon a time i though this guy was a really great perosn who could do no wrong, and now both he and his wife are laughing at everyone by sneaking around and seeing one another, it is like nothing is sacred anymore.

 

I knew relationships were a bad idea and they feel compeltly wrong i just wish my first one was not this one and i do not plan on having another. i mean people talk about the gifts that MM give the OW, well i paid for practically everything and he makes a tonn of money and im a student, i brought him gifts, offered to help pay his bills as he was short on cash from paying court fees and lawyers etc. Though he did spend like $500 dollars on my birthday present, of which i then had to endure her saying that he had brought her flowers and gifts too, though i did not get flowers, and feel sick to my stomach listening to how when i was trying to end my own life and crying msyelf to sleep he was around there and as she put it f***ing her.

 

Im feel SICK! DIRTY! STYPID! JUST PLAIN YUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Hazyhead]

Goldengirl, anger is normal; it's a crucial part of the healing process so let it out. Can I be honest, though? Your title talks about how you're sick with yourself yet your entire post talks about how disgusted you are with them. I get the feeling your frustration might be misdirected. At some point you had to know than he was married, right? That's not an attack; I've been there myself, but a piece of the responsibility for your pain nd anger surely has to fall to yourself?

 

They are married. Whatever they do in the evenings is their business - if they want to reconcile then they want to reconcile. Why deny them that, regardless of court orders? If they want to break it, that's their choice.

 

I feel you need to concentrate on you. Look inside for what went wrong. What would you do differently given the choice again? That's something you can use to build on, and learn from. Let them to their marriage and you get back to you. Put this mess behind you. New year is a great chance for a new start - use it to move on.

[Hazyhead]

Goldengirl, I've just read some more of your posts. You sound really low right now, and that I understand. I think you should work to forgive yourself and them, for your own sake. Please try to start putting them out of your mind else the thoughts will only bring you further down.

[sad puppy]

You have already taken the first step here to acknowledge that this situation and this guy are harmful. He and his life sound like a giant, pitiful, dysfunctional mess. However, you stepped right into it and offered to do all this stuff for him.

 

Here's the deal - you can step right out of it too. That's it, it is truly that simple, just step on out. Make up your mind not to devote anymore energy to this situation. Don't beat yourself up, you learned your lesson, lesson is now over.

 

I would heartily suggest you make an appointment with a therapist - today. The quicker you get the process going, with assistance, the quicker you will be on your way to a happier & healthier mental state.

[goldengirl86]

Thanks guys, i guess what i was trying to say is that i am sick with myself for letting myself become involved with someone like that! Who has no respect for the law, or anything! and that i misjudged his character.

I was a willing participant in my involvemnt with him and to the pain and suffering he caused me, and i guess at times that i caused him.

So i cannot say that i went in blindly or am a victim, however i did not sign up for the drama that came with it due to them, and me supporting him after the fallout.

 

If they want to reconcile and deny court orders then that is there choice and none of my concern. However, dont leave your children at home so you can have sex, you had sex in the house with them before the drama. Dont sneak around at night and leave three year olds at home by themselves,especially one who suffers from asthma, just act like adults and stay at home like everyone else. I mean why sneak around when he has not seen his kids for ages just be normal and go to the house and at least see the kids if your going to break the court orders and risk jail time. and if she does take the kids with her then hello why drag your kids around when he could come to you. it just so friggin childish and stypid.

 

Oh well that is my rant, and am honestly over talking and thinking about HIM/THEM . I wish him all the happyiness in the world and i bear him no ill will or her.

 

I have learn alot, and given the choice i would change so much, as they say hindsight is 20/20. I do take some of the responsibility for how things have worked out and know that my suffering is because of my choices and unfortunately my feelings.

 

This post came out as a midnight rant, while focusing on them it is more about my disgust with me for being with someone like him who does things like that and who by looking at his relationship with her thinks that is the ideal of what a relationship/marriage is and i want no part in that!!

[IzzyB]

Golden Girl: Im glad you are NC and trying to move forward but I have to tell you that if you KNOW he has threatened to kill his children and you KNOW that she leaves two 3 year olds and a 6 year old alone at night, it is your responsibility to report this. That is outright child neglect and endangerment and honestly has nothing to do with your former affair. What i mean is, you do not hvae to have contact with him and you should move on BUT if you see that there are children who are truly in danger and it is a reportable offense (leaving them alone) you have a duty to report it. CHildren can not fight for themselves and ANY adult that knows of a situation like this and does NOTHING is partially responsible. Make an anonymous report to the abuse hotline. You will not go on record, they will never kn ow it was you. Dont do this out of spite, but out of care for some innocent children who are truly in danger here! OMG, im sorry but i cant believe the things you have written about the positiuon these children are in and you have done nothing to help. Of course you cant say anything directly to either parent, as they both sound crazy, but since you have direct knowledge (if you actually do) that these very young children are alone at night (and one of them has asthma according to another post of yours!!!!!!) why have you not called the abuse hotline to report this??"???

 

If you can do something without endangering and involving yourself, and in this case you can, DO IT. This part isnt about you, its about three kids who need help!

 

If there is some reason you DONT report this abuse anonymously, please explain.

[bigmomma1974]

I agree with you 100% that is the first thing that came to mind was to call law enforcement, Please please do these children deserve a decent life. Maybe this will make them wake-up. This breaks my heart.

[goldengirl86]

I have reported some incidences to the child welfare hotline, though once i backed out because he said he would know it was me as i was the only one who knew and if they took his kids from him then i am not quite sure what would have happened to me. ( he did not threaten to harm me though). And they can be good parents.

However, I am worried about the kids, and i have in the past threaten to call the police when he was driving like a lunatic with them in the car and they where playing chicken with one another, he then did take the kids home.

 

I feel like i should call Children Services about her leaving them alone at night, and i know it is the right thing to do! However, are the better of with her or in the system and children services in australia does nothing.

 

Australia's children welfare system is extremely messed up there has to be an incident when the child is literally about to die before they will step in, and child abuse has to reported three times.

[bigmomma1974]

i report abuse in austrilia and im in the usa. they contacted me and investgated. Turn them in. even if nothing is done you tried and keep trying. call 911 when they are left home alone. so many children are abused by their parents that its sad sad sad....these children deserve better. The most abusive parents in the world can be good parents in the eyes of strangers.