I escaped the 27 club!

[dollface07]

I turned 28 just last month. I am so glad to be alive and sober physically and emotionally as I used to be addicted to alcohol and excruciatingly painful invalidating self-esteem eroding relationships.

 

Now I am facing life without anything to numb myself and today I experienced my first sober break up. This is going to maybe be a silly post for some because I never actually met this guy, but I just chatted online for 6 weeks with him (I know lame but we were constantly using mobile phone, skype video, chat etc) I chose an online route b/c I felt it is a safe baby step to take before I could eventually transfer this sort of interaction into the non-online world as well.

 

Well a week ago he just disappeared and I felt a tinge of emotional discomfort and after a week I finally gave in and confronted him (in a non-judgmental way) he said that he can't promise anything more than friendship just friends, close friends maybe...(as in physical)

 

My issue is that I never asked him for anything no relationship nothing...beyond this matter b/c I a no longer spend my emotional energy trying to figure a man out...my main issue is that I actually heart-painfully cried for about 15 mins and I ended up speaking to two other guys for about an hour successively because I was unable to remain alone in my own rejection pain it actually physically hurt my chest wall kind of like a mini-broken heart...I know that I couldn't possibly have fallen in love with this online guy that fast so where did this pain come from? I am no longer crying or in any sort of emotional pain but I personally feel it was an overreaction.

 

In any case, my overly-sensitive nature (i am a Scorpio don't know if that helps anyone's assessment) almost makes me afraid to pursue any relationship online or in real life because breaking apart is so painful for me...i've been this way for as long as i can remember since i was in 1st grade i would cry on the last day of classes hugging my teacher b/c i didnt want to part...i remember even at 16 crying when i had to leave my friends house after a play date SIXTEEN!?

 

i am officially 28 now, aren't i a bit too grown up to be so sensitive to perceived rejection, break ups and what not? I am somehow okay being alone because I feel my emotions are balanced and stable as long as I don't allow a relationship to emotionally dysregulate me because for me, the process to have a significant other is just so very painful...

 

any words would be both welcomed and appreciated...thanks for reading everyone

[Ajax]

Welcome to the 28 club, dollface. And it's true that it's better than being 27. Last year, when I was 27, was the worst year for me. 28 is better, but it was still a rebuilding year for me. I still have three months left.

 

As for your reaction to your online breakup, I don't think it's that unnatural. This was someone who became a part of your life, albeit not face to face, and the rejection is a loss nonetheless.

 

That being said, you still have to live your life. Connecting with people will always bring with it risk. But avoiding interpersonal attachments will not lead to a fulfilling life. Just be cautious.

[BigDumbFoot]

You know, the further I get into my 20's the more I realize how much it sucks! 21 was ok, but every year past that age just seems to get progressively worse! I'm sick of being a young adult, always being wishy washy about everything, never settling for one thing or the other. I honestly can't wait to hit my 30's, when real adulthood starts (hopefully).

 

I'm happy for your sobriety! How long were you drinking before you decided enough was enough? Were you meeting dudes at bars? I know that's not really the best place to meet boyfriend types.

Edited December 30, 2011 by BigDumbFoot

[dollface07]

I really appreciate your taking the time to write to me. You are right that avoiding interpersonal attachments will not lead to a fulfilling life that's exactly what i've been doing for one whole year and so my first (i know online) step i took to try to create a healthy one started out cautious but i guess i should work on maintaining that caution beyond 6 weeks thanks again for your reply!

 

Good luck in your final 3 months finish strong soap man!

[dollface07]

when I lived in NYC for some years in my early 20s I used to be so envious of the 30 year old women...they just appeared happier somehow more stable and confident even without any significant other...for me 20-26 were okay but once i became 26 here i am two years later and i simply cant wait to be in my 30s 'all grown up' sigh...

 

you make a really good point about the wishy washy aspect during this age!

 

Thank you for congratulating me on my sobriety, I only drank for 3 years while living in the middle east...imagine i got my habit overseas not here at home haha! I decided enough was enough when i returned to the USA a year ago when I realized how self-destructive my closet drinking was becoming...

 

I did not meet any guys in bars, I only had one real relationship where they guy i was with was in the same uni with me and we were off and on for 2 and a half years but on for only 6 months...i had three previous guys but all were online and we only met a couple of times a year if even...so technically i've only had one real boyfriend. I guess that's why my emotions are a bit immature still b/c while everyone in my age cohort was getting some valuable life lessons, i was sheltered by my family as the oldest daughter and being a nerd (a hot and sexy one )

[childishregrets]

I can relate to you a little Dollface.There is an old saying death is as light as a feather and i think it can relate to you a well.Its really easy, too easy infact to just numb pain with booze or drugs.

 

If you were on the bottle most weeknights for 3 years i think u should pat yourself on the back for being able to turn your back on it.Its not easy to do.

 

Have you looked into your past about why u were like this at a young age? I thought i was overly sensitive, i start fights and ignore people over what most would call a small injustice.If u look hard enough there should be a problem or underlying issue there that u can work on?

 

Also do u really think online is the best step?I know about baby steps and all but in reality most of them are there for short term comforts i would imagine so your are going to have to deal with the chance of rejection in both real life and online.Its hard as if you come straight out and tell people that u are scared of them due to these fears etc then a lot of people would probably flee due to not wanting to hurt you.They might like you but no one can tell for sure at the start if its going to be a bond for life.

 

Its a real catch 21 situation and i can see why u have came to LS but how about looking at it this way...People come and go its normal in life no matter how much it sucks but its also leaving the door open for someone who wont reject you.

 

Just dont try so hard and relax if it happens it happens im sure that u are starting to perhaps panic at being 28 and feeling this way.Im 28 also and i feel the same yet girls tend to start "ticking" a little earlier than guys so i can imagine you are probably more stressed out by this fact than me.

 

Have u thought about mini dates? Dates where u know that the person will eventually leave and probably never return as its a date? Would it help to train you?

 

Hopefully u get some good advice and karma and goodluck.

[dollface07]

Have you looked into your past about why u were like this at a young age?

 

The problem or underlying issue was that at age 3 my family brought home a little sister and then another one and then twin brothers...i wasnt ready to be dethroned and they didnt handle the transition well...my personality has always been one of an only child and all of my high school teachers were shocked to realize during graduation that i actually had siblings b/c they all thought i was an only child.

 

i remember being very young and my parents would leave on date nights and i would go insane crying and sobbing very insecure attachment style

 

i remember if my parents werent paying attention to me at a very young age i would act out and make myself vomit or pee under my sister's crib!

 

i've had overly emotional temperamental issues since maybe even gestation as in labor the whole process was stressful for me and i almost died by inhaling my own wastes due to the trauma of the childbirth process itself...

 

I don't know why i was like this i was born that way and now my nature is translating into my adult life and ruining my chance of attaining interpersonal effectiveness...i've never wanted to have children since i was 13 i knew that i didn't want any so that biological ticking thing isnt an issue at all but i would like a companion eventually it doesnt have to be just one it can be a few over my life course i dont need/want marriage...i just want to be happy and at peace with my emotions

 

 

you are so right about online people being there for short term comforts

i may try this mini-date suggestion as kind of a self-administered prolonged exposure therapy to help me get rid of this phobia targeted at my own emotional responses and as you said to hopefully leaving the door open for someone who wont reject you or who i wont reject when i start to feel they are trying to get closer to me...

 

thanks for your reply and happy new year to you.