TheJiltedGeneration Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 oh so haven't updated much offically on my own thread, so yea heres might current ( and hopefully but probably not last) predicament... Started in near austere proportions to exercise and diet more.. at first started to feel abit of a high and sence of vibrancy from doing so but now that fateful relapse is starting to work it's way to the nub of my new lifestyle. I go for runs alot in the mornings now ( gonna try to go now after this) with a few body building ( if you can call them that) regimes every other day for good measure (or so I've been advised..) I barely snack now ( maybe a chocolate bar or something once every 2nd-3rd day) and attempting to work from the ground up to pick up on my course where I left off... in amoungst all this .. felt.... slightly better... with of course only one manacle trying to clamp me down... my ex's birthday... now from day one I've never missed or forgotten her birthday... (unlike the urgghheemm.. gracious.. ex and her thoughtfulness) though she never really wanted to do anything (did offer) I've always made it part of my nature to at least wish her a happy birthday each day... now I might recieve a simple slap on the wrist against these thoughts from u guys and the typical (but well intended) railroading to just be adament this time and don't contact, but....not thar simple as my introspective realism and reflection seems to dull abit... basically yea I am pretty much not going to respond this time, SHE DOES NOT deserve a inch of my attention after they way she treated me.. but the thing is I know I will do these stupid mental gymnastics where I think "If I don't respond she will learn her lesson about how she can't expect to recieve all this attention and not be considerate enough to give anything back.. take but not give... " but I know for a fact she didn't even care about the b-day acknowledgments in the first place and her responces where just a way to humour me... gonna continue this abit latter.. could say more but half asleep + need to go jogging... more to come l8er.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 (edited) Come back from the Jog now. took me a Staggering 2 hours over my usual designated session ( usually at 7am) to get enthusiastic enough to do it but I got it done. Now I got my regime of push/pull ups to do and a few more little exercises before I can completely finish my session ( not quite at a productive pace but working piecemeal exercises to build myself up to the hard stuff). but yea back on track with the post. Basically her birthday is essentially eight days away, (8th of jan) which means I am fraught with the last possible avenue for backsliding within those days. I will NOT CONTACT HER (d/w) as she has already planted her totem of apathy right into the ground by forgetting 3 consecutive birthdays of mine. Being a gentleman is out of the question as it will just fortify her ego and entitlement for attention.. but yea this is basically be a battle of constitution now .. and how I will be resist the temptations.. I was considering writing a poem as a little send off on her birthday ( a mean-spirited one of course.. >_O ) , but then I suppose I would be giving her more attention than she deserves .. ( and tbh her influence has already whittled away any creative zest that seemed to be in high supply before she came into my life..) so yea.. still have these really inexorable moods where I don't feel like doing anything.. but I just "TRY" to ignore them and get on with exercise and work right now .... I might use this post as a means to rebury the salvaged hatchets I suppose as I need to get my act together... whatever works I suppose.. but through these 8 days I will NOT give her any satisfaction ( or expectations of my typicalness thereof... tbh don't think she will care if I don't respond as she will be too buzy mind spelunking in her little magical worlds and making gejinkas of my little pony or w/e ) .. this disavow will be my way of declaring that it is OFFICIALLY over .. it's unrealistic to think after the 8th has elapsed that I will completely be relieved of all influence and thoughts of my ex, but at least there will not be any momentous occasions or emotionally attached days I will have attempt to snuff regarding passing thought.. Edited December 31, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 from the looks of things, it seems like I was not the only one that had problems connecting to the site.. but anyway.. not much of a update, continuing on and just starting back with my coursework hope to get one review done tonight. Difficult to explain how I feel right now, I kind of looked at my old poems of my ex and it had me thinking of those moments and their brevity where I enjoyed my ex's company. It even makes me think.. that really I was loving my own invented vision of her which was composited only by the pleasant moments and not created from the whole frame.... There were more bad times than good, even though the good times were great for me... , yet after putting up with all her S*** I felt that it was worth it just to relieve those moments all the while... very simple quote, but very true , would be the Maya Angelou quote "The First time Someone shows you who they are: Believe them", and it resonates with me alot right now. What my ex shows as the stronger constant, despite what she has said to me ("I nearly had faith in what you said, ect"), is that she was never really interested in me, however only EVER gave me the time of day when I was more regaling for her. When I got boring I guess, she switched back to default and just went on her way drawing and playing computer games. HER actions showed this from the fact she would barely respond to my emails, barely take initative or effort to see me ,despite my effort, and most of the time would point blank ignore me when it suited her. .. Her silence was the greater shorthand in showing me how she really felt.. and no level of explanation on her part with ever need to justify why... still feel fond.. but why? Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hi, just wanted to say something really quick so I dont hijack your thread The week of my ex's bday I struggled a lot and it was a lot of anxiety building up to that day but I didn't break NC to wish him a happy bday. I remember it was a very very long day as I literally had to look at the clock and be proud that I had made it through every hour! I also got out of the house, left the phone at home, went to the movies, shopping, ice cream, the park..anything! Every hour that went by was one hour closer to the end of the day and when it was over I was so happy I hadn't textd him cause, like your ex, it would just have given him an ego stroke. Just take it by the hour and stay away from your phone or your computer. Try to go someplace that will keep you busy for a few hours like the movies even if you dont want to..just so you can sit there and do something that is not really thinking about your ex or her bday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 (edited) that sounds like a good idea, on that very day I might just purposely switch my phone off and computer and rather than stew in my own anxiety that day go out and watch a film or something or maybe see my nan or step bro or something or the sort. the very last hours of the day I could just marathon a tv show or something when I need to be back in the house.. ( could even ask my folks to hold onto my laptop overnight just incase the temptation resurges when I am back). thanks Sunflower11 and d/w your not hijacking my thread any thoughts from others are welcome here (hell I need it lol) Edited January 3, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration Link to post Share on other sites
fenderjames Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hi Jilted . Happy New Year . Thanks for your comment on my " hell froze over post " . I always like reading your posts . All the best on 2012 . Im raising a pint to us both too finding a girl thats worthy of us . Cheers mate . Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hi man happy new year, hope this year we'll all be able to clean the slate of baggage from old relationships. any update on that phone call? (glad I've helped alittle thus far just hope all is well with ya right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 ok so with my ex's birthday tommorrow I've kind of posited my own likely internal devices when that day elapses, and decided to take a slightly extreme but necessary precaution. I am not going to have my laptop tomorrow. Instead I am going to give this laptop to my folks till monday morning. not only does it put a massive nip in the bud for any wandering ideas for contact, it gives me a opportunity to be abit more self reflective ( not about ex no) and enjoy my own company (even date myself , thought that really sounds kind of sad, but hey "the most unrequited love of all is self love " though I can't remember who said that) have been working rather frantically this week ( on my course and on myself) so I think I need abit of downtime tomorrow.. I'll give u guys a update on how it went on monday.. This is the very last official window ( to me) for contact, and now I am in a sense closing the door firmly shut. she won't care really as her birthday does not matter to her anyway (or at least that's the impression she gives off) but she can keep to her fiddle, thats all she knows, cause I am not going to be burning anymore.... Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Great thread jiltedgeneration. Very inspiring. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 so post birthday over any possible NC breaking period, and I guess, day one into the "gone forever" period. slightly flustered, not because I didn't contact her but because this really is it. On the day I marathon'd the new(ish) Sherlock show which is awesome ( including the Hounds of Bakerville episode that aired last night) as well as Castlevania: Order of ecclesia absorbing any margin for wayward thought. Overall felt pretty decent all round , which as far as day to day consistency of mood goes, is a nice little upstart to my new life I guess. overwhelmed a little now as yea this is the first overstepped day since the last chance. I am pretty sure she has'nt noticed as her daily activities does not include being conscientious of how people respond to her actions while around her, so I don't think it has phased her in the slightest. But yea really it's her loss, considering what I've put up with. may have had a few chinks in my armor, but I did try to be the best boyfriend I possibly could be, and still somehow that was not enough. I even had the patience to put up with a few dysfunctions of her even though when it came down to mine she would have none of it.... but at this moment would I am say I am over her? No... not quite, but I am at least content to say I know where I stand with her ( or lack of any attempt of contact is pretty much my validation). And to think, if I never met her, if I relived the university life style without her influence caressing the sore, I might have really been able to fully produced the quality material that I am truly carved from, but there is a thing as over-speculating. Biggest task laid ahead of me now is a simple one; Learning to love myself, which is fairly hard for me as it's something I never really done. still flailing my arms while trying to swim in a deluge of thought which is bad, so any tips to relax and not think so much about things would be welcomed... thanks for the support chelsea, FenderJames, IfIknewhen, and the late poster Davesterr, who I thank each day for siphoning the truth into my lead platted skull of reception. Only big task now is unilaterally leading my own life and doing what I feel needs to be done. of course there are still some outstanding pieces of baggage I haven't checked in the forum yet so expect the usuall whining as I know in myself I have not got over her yet... so yea at least I disconnected every aspect of her except thought.. .....still waiting on tips to relax and not be overly conscientious about her, if you want to drop some food for thought, as I can't completely function until such thought is dispelled... but yea heres to a renewed life... Link to post Share on other sites
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