They always come back!

[wilsonx]

The one thing I have learned from all of this, is that purposeful silence toward an ex is absolutely the most immature thing that you can do to another person you once claimed to love.

 

Why is this immature?

[tgr172]

Question is, what if the ex has an ex? lol. Mine went running to her ex husband once she found he was getting a divorce from the woman he cheated o her for. So who is the "real" ex... me? or him? BTW he is loving her throwing herself at him.

[worldgonewrong]

Why is this immature?

 

I think he means immature on the part of the dumper.

 

I'd venture that it's immature because healthy adult relationships are comprised of communication and often realistic compromise.

 

It's often immature to regard that one's version of reality is THE only version, hence cutting off any dialogue or communication out of fear that one's perspective might somehow be altered...and God forbid they'd have to admit they were wrong.

 

Children plug their ears and say "lalalalala-I can't hear you!" and this is that equivalent on an adult level.

[fucpcg]

Why is this immature?

 

I do mean by the dumper, as that is what happened to me. On my last relationship, my ex screwed up to the point of me breaking up with her. When I did she realized what all she had done wrong, and wanted so desperately a chance to talk about things and work them out. I NEVER denyed her any communication with me, period. Instead, I gave her a chance to talk, we had a great outcome from it all, and we moved forward happy and heallthy. Down the road, honestly I was screweing up with her. Her response was to write me an email telling me every single thing I ever got wrong, and that my LC since the split was harassment, and that she is now blocking my phone and email, and threatened a PFA if I contact her any further. So with one rash decision on her part, she walked, denyed me any chance to have communication with her children who I fathered when we dated, and has kept this silence for 12 months and counting.

 

This woman once declared to everyone, and to me, how much she loved me. In fact, she used this word over and over after I first split with her. Okay so I ask.... where's the love now? Minding her warning, I still had written her a very proper letter 3 times over the past year, asking for a chance to just meet and speak, all denyed.

 

I've never treated ANY ex like this, in fact I am good friends with all of my other 4 ex's that I've had serious relationships with. To beg me for a second chance, to push me into your kids lives cause their father doesn't give a ****, then to bar me any chance to speak with you, or see them, when all I ask is the same courtesy you EXPECTED from me when you were not at your best, is simply the most immature (and painful) act that any adult woman has ever done to me.

[leoc1973]

fucpcg, Maybe she is with someone new and he doesn't approve of her talking to her ex's I know I would have a problem with it. My ex asked me for coffee even tho we are both with someone new and I told her I couldn't out of respect for the new girl. I asked her if it was ok with her boyfriend and she said well he just won't know I am a big girl and I will do what I want. HMMM wonder how many times that has happened with me?

 

Don't read too much into it she just may not have permission to talk to you.

[fucpcg]

No she's single, has been since we split. She's had a few flings, as have I, but my fling is not by personal choice, it's cause she won't talk or make any effort to reach out, to my reaching out. She has the option to talk to me, she won't.

[wilsonx]

To me, its selfish and immature that just because you don't get what you want, you call someone else's actions immature.

 

I have no qualms with being friends with an ex but not everyone is the same. Some people never want to hear from an ex again, some people do. This is life. Look in a mirror, try to figure out why you NEED to be friends with an ex or go LC with an ex that doesnt want to be friends with you or go LC with you and fix this. This is YOUR problem. Not your ex's. There is nothing immature about her actions.

 

The term dumper/dumpee is irrelevant in breakups. The relationship ended. These are just labels that people to make themselves feel like a victim in a black and white, good vs evil scenario. In the end, the relationship is over, both people eventually either move on or reconcile and both people are happy.

[worldgonewrong]

To me, its selfish and immature that just because you don't get what you want, you call someone else's actions immature.

 

I have no qualms with being friends with an ex but not everyone is the same. Some people never want to hear from an ex again, some people do. This is life. Look in a mirror, try to figure out why you NEED to be friends with an ex or go LC with an ex that doesnt want to be friends with you or go LC with you and fix this. This is YOUR problem. Not your ex's. There is nothing immature about her actions.

 

The term dumper/dumpee is irrelevant in breakups. The relationship ended. These are just labels that people to make themselves feel like a victim in a black and white, good vs evil scenario. In the end, the relationship is over, both people eventually either move on or reconcile and both people are happy.

 

 

This is the longest, most nonsensical zen koan ever written.

 

When Life kicks you in the ass a little more and with more severity, then feel free to throw this against the wall and see if it sticks. Right now it's sliding straight down.

[fucpcg]

Wilson I usually agree with most of what you say, but not here. I understand the far eastern teachings of not looking back, not living in the past, not letting something steal my life from me, etc. I read it, studied it, and do try to let those teachings guide my life FORWARD.

 

However, we are two "adults", who had a very intimate relationship, with talks of marriage, words of love, and discussions of bringing a child into the world. We also had one adult who saw no hesitation in asking for communication, forgiveness, moving forward when she was at her weakest/poorest behavior, and in fact could just about say expected it. When presented with the same scenario in reverse, no forgiveness, nor a single word of communication was granted.

 

As if to say I am flawed and that is okay, because I didn't mean to be, however if I find flaws in you I deserve better and you are a low life POS that doesn't deserve (a flawed) me.

 

Immaturity at its highest level. One of my favorite love quotes is "love means never having to say you are sorry". I NEVER asked my ex to apologize to me for anything, including her nightmarish behavior in our beginning. Her on the other hand, wouldn't even give me an opportunity to apologize, after how many months of writing all over FB I truly love this man.

 

Maybe life's teachings tell me that I need to move on and never look back. That DOES NOT absolve my dumper from a label of acting immaturely because that is her "personal right" to be the dumper, so to speak.

 

No, it is never right to just completely turn your back and refuse communication with a person you once declared to love. It's not right, and it's something I have never done in my 42 year old life.

[worldgonewrong]

I apologize to wilsonx for my visceral reaction above. Should have pondered it more first without reacting.

 

Must emphasize: I have REALLY liked loads of your posts, wilsonx. You have a keen mind.

 

But just, this one, I didn't see eye-to-eye with.

[leoc1973]

fucpcg, I actually had to go and read your earlier posts because I was confused. Ok here is my take on it all. She wanted to drink and party, you said she used to sleep around and now does again. I think what is happening in her head is that she is either ashamed of herself or she just doesn't want a father figure lecturing her. I am assuming that if you 2 were to talk you would probably lecture her about her drinking and behavior so she just simply doesn't want to hear it.

 

Also, I have ex's whom I have no desire to talk to and if they were to call me I would delete the message and not even respond. Its because I have become indifferent with them and just don't really care to. I think you are having a hard time understanding why this one in particular doesn't want to talk to you because you have a friendly relationship with all your old flames.

 

But I do have to agree with wilson there could be a million reasons why she doesn't wanna talk to you and as your ex its not weird at all that you don't talk. Yes its great when 2 people who loved each other dearly at one point can stay friendly but doesn't always happen.

 

I am 38 and had 4 long term relationships and I don't talk to any of my ex's and if they were to all call me I would probably only return one of them's phone calls. Yes the one that got away the one I screwed up with because I was young and stupid at the time and all I wanted to do was go out with friends.

 

But don't dwell on it too much its not weird at all that she doesn't want to talk to you. Maybe she just simply can't look you in the eye.

[Fitz]

One of the biggest factors to consider is if your ex has found somebody new yet.

 

If your ex finds someone new (who they really like and see a future with) then forget about them calling you back any time soon. They won't.

 

But if your ex is lonely and in the dumps, then you might get contacted.

 

My girlfriend (who I almost married) left me after she "fell in love" with a married Doctor. She is now the "other woman" in that relationship (they were sleeping around for months before she broke up with me). And the MM is feeding her all the typical stories:

 

-I'm getting a separation from my wife because we don't get along.

-I sleep in a separate bed from my wife.

-But I can't leave my wife right now because we just had a baby.

-I choose you over my wife.

-I created a separate email account for you to contact me with, but that doesn't mean I'm hiding you from my wife. It's because you're special.

 

There's no way this Doctor is going to leave his wife. So I'm just biding my time with no contact until my ex painfully realizes this. I know my ex GF is NOT marriage material anymore, but I still want to be with her one last time...

Edited March 6, 2012 by Fitz