arts one Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hi all, I have posted on here before but not for the same issue. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is kind, generally considerate and has direction in his life. He is also aggressive to the point that I feel like the dirt beneath his feet sometimes and conservative. He has become incredibly jealous for no reason and I feel that this is pushing him away from me. I also am infatuated with a guy from work. I went drinking with a group of girls and him last week. Him and I were the last to leave and he gave me a few closed mouth kisses and admitted he liked me. In the early hours of the morning we went back to his house and collapsed on the couch before work and nothing happened. He wouldn't touch me until I had sorted things out with my boyfriend. I know that we (my boyfriend and I) need some time apart, I don't know what to say as this is my first break/break up. I am in my early twenties and I still love him to the point that the thought of never being with him again makes me cry. All of my close friends have just simply suggested a break without mention of this other person. I don't want to hurt him, what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Be mature about this and admit what happened to your current boyfriend. End the relationship before pursuing anything with this new man. If you loved him the way you needed to or he provided that spark you needed to be in a relationship with him you wouldn't consider breaking up with him. He deserves the truth about what happened so he can move on and you need a clear conscience moving on in the future. Be the dumper that most people around here would have loved to have... be honest, mature, and fair to this guy. Give him the best chance to heal moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
phone66 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 This is an interesting situation, sounds just like what just happened to me. My girl just did that to me, she was hiding it and lying to me, I only found out because I looked at her text msgs. I needed to know and she apparently was not going to tell me. Sounds like you are already a liar and a cheater, don't make it any worse. Come clean for yourself and him. You need to stop doing anything with the other guy don't even talk to him anymore until you talk to the person that has been a part of your life for 3 years, have some respect for him. Tell him as soon as possible and then don't just jump into things with someone else, that is a terrible thing to do and is not healthy. Besides what kind of a guy or relationship are you thinking/expecting to get from the guy at work that seems to think it's okay to kiss another man's girlfriend, he is a maggot with no values or morals. Im saying all of this becasue I know how your man of 3 years will feel it just happened to me 5 weeks ago. I finished paying off a diamond the day after I left our (now her) home. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Your BF won't be an idiot about this. He will find out you're with someone else. If you break up with him, you're going to give him a bunch of excuses like " you make me feel like dirt sometimes." You're too jealous." (ironic on how he's jealous, maybe he had a reason to be...) "we fight a lot.", " I don't love you like how you love me.", "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.", " I need to find myself.", " I need to be single for a while.", " I think we need to take a break." Have these been going through your head? How about this one. " I'm breaking up with you because there's someone else. I've been cheating on you and I'm giving it a go with this other guy." Does it sound mean? Does it sound wrong? Well, it's the truth isn't it? Anything else is laying the blame on him and to leave him in the dark, wondering where HE went wrong is mean. In the mean time you're running happliy through a field of roses with this OM while your Ex is always wondering what he did wrong. He'll investigate and find out you're with OM and he will learn the truth on his own. THEN, he'll REALLY hate you. But, who cares, right? I mean, that's what you want anyways. Your BF out of your life for good. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Kissing the other guy was cheating. You are lying to yourself. Your friends are as immature as you and no matter what you, him, the OG etc. are going to be embroiled in a cycle of pain. Have fun lying to yourself and others to justify what you want. No matter how you breakup with your BF, please, do it soon. He deserves better. Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
phone66 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Your BF won't be an idiot about this. He will find out you're with someone else. If you break up with him, you're going to give him a bunch of excuses like " you make me feel like dirt sometimes." You're too jealous." (ironic on how he's jealous, maybe he had a reason to be...) "we fight a lot.", " I don't love you like how you love me.", "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.", " I need to find myself.", " I need to be single for a while.", " I think we need to take a break." Have these been going through your head? How about this one. " I'm breaking up with you because there's someone else. I've been cheating on you and I'm giving it a go with this other guy." Does it sound mean? Does it sound wrong? Well, it's the truth isn't it? Anything else is laying the blame on him and to leave him in the dark, wondering where HE went wrong is mean. In the mean time you're running happliy through a field of roses with this OM while your Ex is always wondering what he did wrong. He'll investigate and find out you're with OM and he will learn the truth on his own. THEN, he'll REALLY hate you. But, who cares, right? I mean, that's what you want anyways. Your BF out of your life for good. Thank you both, your comments are helping me. I heard all of this b.s when she broke it off, the one I heard most was I "emotionally and verbally abused her" and she didnt "have anything else left to give" OOOPS she forgot the last part she didn't have anymore to give to ME. I got I need to find myself, I need to be single and figure out who I am. ALL OF IT B.S. ; she could have "found herself" or explored different hobbies in life with me, but like you she decided to lie and cheat and then lie to herself about it. You have already broken up with him, you just haven't told him yet. Link to post Share on other sites
ZimboGon Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 (edited) This makes me sick. My girlfriend did the same thing to me. She would cry and cry about the notion of losing me, so she kept me lead on while she developed a crush on another guy, started lying to me about him and everything until finally she left me for him. It isn't fun. The break-up was a huge F***ing trainwreck because she couldn't be honest. We ended up breaking up 3 times in two weeks, until i finally caught them together and gave up. She lead us both on, keeping me on the side lines while she liked some other guy. Stop it. Things were getting stale between us, true. We both could have easily worked on it and been happy together, the chemistry between us was perfect. I was willing to try, but she wasn't. She just jumped to something new and exciting, and i hope it bites her in the ass. Edited January 3, 2012 by ZimboGon Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 This is an interesting situation, sounds just like what just happened to me. My girl just did that to me, she was hiding it and lying to me, I only found out because I looked at her text msgs. I needed to know and she apparently was not going to tell me. Sounds like you are already a liar and a cheater, don't make it any worse. Come clean for yourself and him. You need to stop doing anything with the other guy don't even talk to him anymore until you talk to the person that has been a part of your life for 3 years, have some respect for him. Tell him as soon as possible and then don't just jump into things with someone else, that is a terrible thing to do and is not healthy. Besides what kind of a guy or relationship are you thinking/expecting to get from the guy at work that seems to think it's okay to kiss another man's girlfriend, he is a maggot with no values or morals. Im saying all of this becasue I know how your man of 3 years will feel it just happened to me 5 weeks ago. I finished paying off a diamond the day after I left our (now her) home. her boyfriend isn't in a relationship with the guy she kissed. the "other guy" isn't cheating on anyone, but she certainly is. it's really a waste of time to get mad at some other dude in a situation like this. especially since like 1% of guys would even care about a girl having a boyfriend if she's throwing herself at him. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 It really sounds like the train has left the station on this one, but I think if you listen the the LSers here then you can avoid making the common dumper mistakes. Let me distill and add to the above given advice: 1. Don't pretend that you're breaking up with him because of the (non-physical) aggressiveness and jealousy issues. If you were, you wouldn't have waited until there was somebody new in the picture. Besides, those two issues are fixable as long as he's willing to work on them ...and as others have said, it sounds like he has at least some reason to be jealous. 2. Don't lie to him about this other guy. Do you want him to hate you? Well, a sure-fire way is for him to discover that you were cheating on him before the breakup. 3. Jumping into a relationship with this new guy is probably a bad idea. Essentially, you'd be dating him while simultaneously trying to get over your old relationship. That rarely ends well. 4. Don't try to keep your (soon-to-be) Ex boyfriend on the back-burner. It's way too common for women to say, "lets still be friends" or "I don't want to lose you completely." This is selfish and cruel. If you dump him, you should allow him to move forward with his life and date other people. Keeping contact does nothing but prolong the pain of rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Well as someone who was dumped and told by his ex that she needed to find herself, that there was nobody else and that she just couldn't be in a relationship, only to find out later that I was indeed left for someone else, I echo the calls for honesty. Yeah, my ex looked bad when she said those things, and it hurt like something else. But she looked like the Princess of Darkness when it was discovered that she'd been lying through her teeth. Many people use the excuse that they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but the truth is that they just don't want themselves to look bad. Personally, I'd question the sanity of this new love interest. People often tend to want what they can't have, and because you're in a relationship with someone else, you're off limits. Once you've ended things with your current boyfriend, it will be interesting to see how long this new fellow sticks around. Not to mention the fact that he'll know you left someone else for him. He'll be keenly aware of the fact that if you can do it once for him, you can do it again to him. Link to post Share on other sites
jormungand Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Definitely echoing all of the statements here. My recent ex did this exact same thing to me twice, all with the same bull**** excuse from her. Anyway, I found out what was really going on both times and now I absolutely resent the fact that I was lied to multiple times over the course of the relationship. Please, please be honest about what's going on. It'll hurt a lot less in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 It is a waste of breath to try and reason with the OP. Don't even feed this thread anymore guys. Link to post Share on other sites
shook187 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 can i say something here? you will regret this. someone gave you 3 years and your kissing some shmuck from work. it's just a phase, your going to be very sorry when you wake up lost one day. Link to post Share on other sites
fificremefarben Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I feel a little bad for the OP as I feel that this is a legitimate problem that she is going through. However, as someone who was left for someone else after a 4 year relationship myself (and being lied to about it- "I just need to be on my own for a while"), I can see why this post is a complete stab in the chest to anyone who was the dumpee in a similar situation. Please don't take it to heart too much, OP, you're just dealing with some very hurt people here...myself included. Please heed the advice of everyone on here. There's no shame in falling for someone else, but please handle the situation in a respectable way to your current partner. Admit the truth about what you did and that there is someone else and release him so that he can go through the inevitable pain of a long-term relationship breaking up and, ultimately, move on with his life. He'll probably hate you in the short term, but respect you in the long-term for being honest. As for you, I hope the gamble pays off for you and the new guy. I really do. If not, chalk it up to life experience. x Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 GIGS breakup in the making, Shes going to do what shes going to do no matter what. I love the "Hes getting jealous for no reason" part. That made me smile. I remember getting that same jealous feeling when my ex did this same thing. NOW PEOPLE READ AND LEARN He is also aggressive to the point that I feel like the dirt beneath his feet sometimes and conservative. He has become incredibly jealous for no reason and I feel that this is pushing him away from me. This is called self talking, she convincing herself and painting him black to validate the reason for the breakup in her own mind. There is no stopping it. Just watch this train go off into the sunset Shes not a bad person, part of growing up is learning stuff like this. She will learn from it Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Wilson, amen to ALL of that! Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Hi all, I have posted on here before but not for the same issue. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is kind, generally considerate and has direction in his life. He is also aggressive to the point that I feel like the dirt beneath his feet sometimes and conservative. He has become incredibly jealous for no reason and I feel that this is pushing him away from me. I also am infatuated with a guy from work. I went drinking with a group of girls and him last week. Him and I were the last to leave and he gave me a few closed mouth kisses and admitted he liked me. In the early hours of the morning we went back to his house and collapsed on the couch before work and nothing happened. He wouldn't touch me until I had sorted things out with my boyfriend. I know that we (my boyfriend and I) need some time apart, I don't know what to say as this is my first break/break up. I am in my early twenties and I still love him to the point that the thought of never being with him again makes me cry. All of my close friends have just simply suggested a break without mention of this other person. I don't want to hurt him, what should I do? Break up with him and tell him it's cause you're infatuated with another guy. Simple. Date the other guy in move on. Then, try to keep the other guy, like when you get infatuated with another guy - try to be disciplined if you want. Or I don't know, maybee you want to be free - just date around. Your present man needs someone who is complelety in love and devoted to him. No games. Good luck, cause it can get really messy, and when you learn that happiness comes from within - you will have lost a good dude who was devoted to you. It's all in your hands though. Link to post Share on other sites
phone66 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Anyone else notice that "arts one" the poster of this string has not written another word since we all started giving our opinions and advice. All of the advice is the same from all of us. Maybe she can't take the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) Let me repeat, there is nothing wrong with what shes doing. Nothing, everyone grows up and learns from it. Every one here caters to dumpees but a dumper comes in here and TELLS the truth and everyone backlashes him/her. What she chooses to do is irrelevant to how you heal and move on. Dont bring your anger/hate/and pain and focus it at her Edited January 4, 2012 by wilsonx Link to post Share on other sites
Author arts one Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I feel a little bad for the OP as I feel that this is a legitimate problem that she is going through. However, as someone who was left for someone else after a 4 year relationship myself (and being lied to about it- "I just need to be on my own for a while"), I can see why this post is a complete stab in the chest to anyone who was the dumpee in a similar situation. Please don't take it to heart too much, OP, you're just dealing with some very hurt people here...myself included. Please heed the advice of everyone on here. There's no shame in falling for someone else, but please handle the situation in a respectable way to your current partner. Admit the truth about what you did and that there is someone else and release him so that he can go through the inevitable pain of a long-term relationship breaking up and, ultimately, move on with his life. He'll probably hate you in the short term, but respect you in the long-term for being honest. As for you, I hope the gamble pays off for you and the new guy. I really do. If not, chalk it up to life experience. x I appreciate this of a few slightly objective replies. I did not reply sooner because I spent all of last night in emotional turmoil hugging and crying with my boyfriend in bed. This lasted until midday today and I am still in a lot of pain. We are having a break because both of us need a little time apart. I, to figure out why this has happened in the first place, and him, to deal with some of the aforementioned issues. I am struggling being apart from him and I don't know what to do. We really work well together and I feel that it is better that I work on my relationship. For those of you who treated my post with such bitterness and disdain, I did not cause your pain, and I am simply confused. Nobody seems to be able to help me. I apologize for exacerbating any hurt that existed. I still feel like I am alone and can't figure out the reason why I wanted to be with someone else in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 people gave you some awesome advice in this thread. key thing is you must be honest with your self. You must ask your self questions. You dump your boyfriend will this happen again in your next relationship? ask your self this what is love ? Arts one you didnt cause anyones pain here, Don't feel like everyone is attacking you. you've done a brave thing coming here looking for help. But you must hear whats being said, or are you just looking for some one to agree with you. I think wilsonx hit the nail on the head, you need to reread what he said and post more Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Arts one, Yeah you came to the wrong place for advice since 80% of us are men who have been put through what you are about to put your ex through. Most of us have been lied to with... well.. pretty much the exact same stuff you are going to do. We all wish that our ex's had been honest with us because it really does leave us going crazy questioning ourselves. Going over and over every part of our relationships wondering if we had just gave her that little extra kiss or compliment if she would have stayed when in all reality it was always about another man. Listen, no one wants you to stay with a man when you are unhappy. But if you care about this guy I mean really care about him. Tell him the truth. Tell him your bored and you need to see what else is out there to see how you really feel about him. I would love if my ex had done this. But it is all about you keeping him hanging because you know that he might move on if you tell him the truth. He really deserves to know. And read about GIGS and the consequences down the road. This new guy seems so perfect right now doesn't he. I bet your telling yourself that the guy is perfect right? They always seem so perfect because they are telling you everything you wanna hear and you are sucking it right up. Good luck! and almost no one wants someone to stay with them out of pity even though we lash out at the end of the day we want someone to actually want to be with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arts one Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I just read Wilson's links. I feel a little like a GIGS person but the "no longer attracted to you" thing does not necessarily apply. I love my boyfriend to the point that I threw up from the thought of losing him this morning. The thought of not sharing the rest of my life with him, of marrying him and having children together is something that brings me an insurmountable grief. Some of the time I feel that some of our issues are of a sexual nature. They are issues which I could not possibly bring up with him as they are those he cannot change (ie related to size). For the past year or so, I have not felt a sense of satisfaction, and I don't know if this is related to my problem. I didn't mention this before as I wasn't sure it was entirely relevant. I wish that I had met my boyfriend in a couple of years time, but then I would never have met him at all. I wish that he could give me a few months to explore the world I live in, to be with others, and to perhaps recognize in the end that he was the one after all. He is my first boyfriend. I am nearly 25 and had three sexual experiences before him. Whether or not this matters, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I wish that I had met my boyfriend in a couple of years time, but then I would never have met him at all. I wish that he could give me a few months to explore the world I live in, to be with others, and to perhaps recognize in the end that he was the one after all. He is my first boyfriend. I am nearly 25 and had three sexual experiences before him. Whether or not this matters, I don't know. My ex said the same to me. Ask your self what is love.? is it about being bored ? sounds like your bored. you need to think real hard right now about your next move. once butterfly wings are touched they are never the same. same thing gos for relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
fificremefarben Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Anyone else notice that "arts one" the poster of this string has not written another word since we all started giving our opinions and advice. All of the advice is the same from all of us. Maybe she can't take the truth? Yeah, I do feel that the OP has been slightly attacked unjustly in this post. I think she really is conflicted about what to do and that she genuinely came here seeking advice and found us, the "left for someone else" brigade, in the prime of our pain. We've been projecting our own pain onto you (and, unfortunately, when I read it through the first time, I'm sorry to say I did this too). Although some advice given to the original OP was presented in quite a sharp-tongued and forceful way, I think that the ultimate advice and underlying message was still spot on: do what you're going to do, but just do it the right way. I see developments have occurred since the original post and, so, I hope everything goes okay and that you both find what you're looking for. The old romantic in me hopes you work things out with your boyfriend but, if not, I hope that you both find what you're looking for xx Link to post Share on other sites
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