Breaking up because I am infatuated with someone else

[EgoJoe]

OP: I'll renege upon my previous post to say this:

 

Your thought process as evidenced by your original post suggest a great deal of immaturity, lack of life experience, personal accountability and selfishness.

 

You have cheated on your boyfriend and you are entertaining putting him on the backburner to see another guy. My response had nothing to do with bitterness and had everything to do with the fact that sometimes people need to be called out on their BS. We hate it at first but until you are 100% self-aware people can usually see you better than you see yourself.

 

It is only after self-awareness and the continued pursuit of it that you will actually be able to live, think and feel objectively. I truly do wish you the best and I hope you figure it all out. Make no mistake though, you have done wrong and I do not see this getting any better until it gets worse.

 

I really do hope that you figure yourself out without hurting yourself and your BF beyond what is necessary. I want to add that guys who pursue women who are in another relationship are pigs only interested in the conquest. Look at the contradictory nature of both your and your other guy's actions.

 

I'm retiring from this thread after this post. Hopefully, Geegirl and a few other of the experienced, mature and empathic women can come along and help you out.

[perfectlyflawed459]

When I was with my ex, I started to feel like that after being with him for over a year. Yes I loved him dearly and he was great, but I started to wonder what it would be like to date that cute boy in my Calculus class, or that cute guy I see running everyday. I never cheated or anything, but I sure wondered what it would be like to date someone else quite a bit. Because of these ideas, we did fight a lot and that made me wonder even more. However, he broke up with me first, and I can honestly say I completely regret ever taking him for granted like I did. You really do not know what you have till it is gone. Although my ex took all the blame and said I never did anything to deserve this, no one, not even him, knew that I was having these thoughts. It is something I was very ashamed to admitting because I realize now how freaking stupid I was for taking someone I loved for granted. I mean, we are both very young, so I guess it is part of growing up like wilson said. So before you make this move, I really encourage you to think hard about it. Yes it would be a new experience and I understand that you want to explore what else is out there, but at the same time, you could really lose something beautiful. Remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[stillafool]

I just read Wilson's links. I feel a little like a GIGS person but the "no longer attracted to you" thing does not necessarily apply.

 

I love my boyfriend to the point that I threw up from the thought of losing him this morning. The thought of not sharing the rest of my life with him, of marrying him and having children together is something that brings me an insurmountable grief.

 

Some of the time I feel that some of our issues are of a sexual nature. They are issues which I could not possibly bring up with him as they are those he cannot change (ie related to size). For the past year or so, I have not felt a sense of satisfaction, and I don't know if this is related to my problem. I didn't mention this before as I wasn't sure it was entirely relevant.

 

I wish that I had met my boyfriend in a couple of years time, but then I would never have met him at all. I wish that he could give me a few months to explore the world I live in, to be with others, and to perhaps recognize in the end that he was the one after all. He is my first boyfriend. I am nearly 25 and had three sexual experiences before him. Whether or not this matters, I don't know.

 

I think what you are saying is your bf has a small penis and he is not satisfying you sexually. That is not your fault, nor his. I think your bf senses he does not satisfy you and is one of the reasons he is so jealous. Women usually reach their sexual peak around 33-38 and if he doesn't satisfy you now just wait. I would suggest you be honest with him (not about his size as you don't want to hurt him) that you want to date others. Otherwise you will end up cheating.

[Chi townD]

For those of you who treated my post with such bitterness and disdain, I did not cause your pain, and I am simply confused. Nobody seems to be able to help me. I apologize for exacerbating any hurt that existed. I still feel like I am alone and can't figure out the reason why I wanted to be with someone else in the first place.

 

No distain or bitterness on my part and my pain ended a long time ago. However, I may have come across as harsh because you are causing pain to your boyfriend and I know EXACTLY what that feels like. So, harsh words can be looked at as a "slap in the head" or a wake up call for you to see what you are truely doing and to open up your eyes to that fact that your actions are wrong.

 

So, does your boyfriend talk down to you and is extremely jealous of you? Have you talked to him about it? I mean TRUELY communicated with him? A lot of times that's all it takes. And I take it that he still doesn't know about the OM. But people never seem to talk and they get so far gone that the relationship becomes a lost cause. So, if people are harsh it's because they want you to see where your screwing up! If you can't see that, then there's no point into giving advice. Believe it or not, people WANT to say, " YES! Agreed. You screwed up....now, this is how you fix it."

 

So, you're confusing me, are you on a "break" or are you working on the relationship. Your last post contradicted itself. If you are on a "break", then don't kid yourself.

 

taking a break = breaking up.

 

If you're going to see the OM, I'll be the first to say that, that relationship will not last. The foundation of that relationship is being built on the back of someone you hurt (i.e. your Exbf) and you won't forget that. There will be a level of guilt that will always be there and it's going to eat away at you until it starts to affect your new relationship....then it's over. Stats show that only about 14% of relationships that start out as affairs (and, yes. you are having an affair) last for the long haul...only about 14%. I'm not a betting man. But, no way in hell I would take those odds.

[arts one]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

Is there a way of explaining these things in a way that won't do permanent damage? I know so many of you have said that that there probably won't be a way back, but I love him. What if a few months down the track I wanted to see how things went with him again, would he ever take me back after me breaking up with him for those reasons?

[perfectlyflawed459]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

Is there a way of explaining these things in a way that won't do permanent damage? I know so many of you have said that that there probably won't be a way back, but I love him. What if a few months down the track I wanted to see how things went with him again, would he ever take me back after me breaking up with him for those reasons?

 

He may, he may not. It all goes back to if he has personally let go and forgiven you for wanting to try it out with another guy. It is a risk. Don't let him know you may want to try again though, because this could give him false hope and prevent him from letting go and healing from all this. Plus he will think you want to have your cake and eat it too, which will make him dislike you. No one deserves to be put in the backburner like that. I would say just be honest with him and do not make any promises you are not sure you can keep. Just know, you may lose your bf for good depending on the type of person he is and if he is willing to let go and trust you again.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

Is there a way of explaining these things in a way that won't do permanent damage? I know so many of you have said that that there probably won't be a way back, but I love him. What if a few months down the track I wanted to see how things went with him again, would he ever take me back after me breaking up with him for those reasons?

 

Is it fair to keep your boyfriend as your back-up plan if things don't work out for you? Would that be fair to him? To keep him on the hook and waiting on the sidelines wondering if you're ever coming back while you do what you want to do and try new and exciting things? Is that fair to him? Shouldn't he be able to live his life and move on without the hope of a promise you may or may not keep?

[Teuen101]

thing is if you loved him this wouldnt even be coming up.

 

 

bottem line is your fear is being alone. you know what you have in your boyfriend.

 

But your not sure what your getting in the new guy your thinking about being with.

 

If it don't pan out with the new guy then your going to feel stupid for letting go of some one who loved you.

 

I know it feels good to be wanted like that by othere people. your a hot good looking woman and some guy at work is saying all the right things.

 

your the one that has everything to lose if you love your boyfriend. you wont know what your getting with the new guy untill some time has past.

 

when things move fast watch out thats never good. and you have everything to lose.

[arts one]

Thanks,

 

you're right. I am afraid of being alone. If I was to break up with my boyfriend I would need to be alone. I obviously don't want to confront feelings of grief for what I would have lost. I also don't want to deal with his emotions. At the same time I feel something of restlessness and wanting to experience my life and travel. I met my current boyfriend at work and have since worked a second job with him and the amount of people that have said how we should stay together because we work so well together, that we could run a business together is great. We are best friends, we have so much in common.

 

Why do I feel like I want to be with others? I had dinner with him last night and he spoke about applying for jobs in another city - this was something that crippled me and I immediately broke down into tears. I went to work this morning and was sent home after two hours because "I had some issues to deal with". More than being embarrassing, the whole scenario was confusing. The person who I am infatuated with was there and was strangely cold towards me. I am starting to understand that it isn't specifically him I would like to be with, but the idea of "someone else". I thought when I went out with my boyfriend that I could overlook the sexual issues if we loved each other. It isn't working. Right now it feels like my emotions are flitting between two people, whichever looks to be the one least likely to want to have anything to do with me is the one I seek.

[wilsonx]

arts, its human nature, and its ok.

 

Most of the people that are giving you advice are going to give you advice based on their own experience.

 

You have to make the decision, I know exactly how you feel, you are torn between 2 decisions and its almost wrist splitting and you just cant decide.

 

I know you are going to choose the infatuation. Theres no stopping it, if you dont today, you are going to 2 years from now. This is a learning experience for you to go out and experience new things and its ok.

 

Dont feel bad

[Teuen101]

She may not go with infatuation guy anything can happen.

 

 

Arts, your gut brought you here your gut is screaming at you.

 

 

The right choices is this, take a brake from all your relationships learn how to be alone and be happy.

 

 

you can stop all this, the infatuation guy isn't going to help you and you don't know him.

 

love takes time and infatuation is always a rush job.

 

Think about what real love is.

 

 

you need to think real hard here and do the right things for the people who love and care about you and for your self and that is too take a step back from the relationships your in or it's going to be a dumpster fire for the next few years or months in your life like Wilsonx said.

 

Right now it feels like my emotions are flitting between two people, whichever looks to be the one least likely to want to have anything to do with me is the one I seek[/quote].

 

Think about what your saying right here this is not love. Your saying the one who likes you the less is the one you want.?

 

This screams low self worth,

 

You need a brake in all of this thats the honest truth, pick no one. step back and breath, you cannot go wrong in that reguard...if you don't this issue will haunt you the rest of your life and you will learn a hard lesson.

 

go be single for a bit explore the world but guy jumping is only going to hurt you.,,

 

you got everything to lose in this and gain only pain.....but you'll be smarter maybe at the end of the day like wilson said.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Teuen101