debtman Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 It's a tough thing to imagine at the beginning of any divorce/separation, but things do improve... 2011 was a tough year for me (and many of you) and I just wanted to give a quick update to let everyone know that life is full of surprises, and emotional healing is what you make of it. Last New Years I was living with my parents while my stbx was living in our marital home with OM and our kids. After a long year, biting my tongue MANY times and focusing on the kids and staying on the high road, my stbx and I have finally established a "friendly" and considerate relationship. She's broken up with OM and is dating a new guy now and, over the holiday, I got together with a girl I've played volleyball with for several months now and was surprised at how healthy my emotions seem to be regarding that. Our kids have adjusted fabulously, the holidays were great and I'm looking forward to many spectacular things in the coming year. A year ago, I was miserable. Had never felt worse or been in a worse emotional state. As I told myself many times, it was a temporary situation. It did get better, and it will for anyone else out there going through this tough time as well. Keep your chin up, focus on the positive things and look to the future. Thanks to everyone in the LS community for all of your help and advice over the past year. It's made SOO much difference... Good luck and keep posting!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I am hanging on by a thread, so I hope this is true. I have never had a more bleak Christmas or New Years, ever. My XH and I live together here and he is dating...moved on and was with her for New Years Eve. He left early Friday morning and when he left he told my 21 y/o son, who is only home from college until this Saturday, to make time to be with him this week. He said this as he was leaving for four days. My son thinks his father is an a** and it is hard to defend him, so I don't say anything. I don't try to disparage him, but I can't defend him either. I am moving out to keep my sanity. I have found a small condo that takes dogs and is in a location I want to be. I have decided to stay in the area until my son is done with undergraduate school...two more years so he will have a stable home, and then will move home and can have family and life-long friends around me. Everyone says I will feel better once I can move on and I read your post and it is always nice to see that someone is happier than they were a year ago. It gives me hope, something I need so much right now. So Happy New Year to you, also, and thank you for posting a good outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hopefully I and many other will be in a better postion next new year and posting back with enouragement. Thank debtman. Steen719: I know your pain. Living with my stbxw while she used me as a baby sitter so she could be out with scumbag all the time and then having him in the house when I was out was the most hardest time of my life. I would get down and seriously think about suicide, googling "painless suicide methods" . Making her move out really gave me the space i needed to start to not think about everything all the time. So yeah, moving out will save your sanity! {{HUGS}} Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks, jaymz. I'm sure that was horrible for you. You are home with the kids; she is out with OM? And then in your own house? What in the world are these people thinking? That it is OK to act like this as long as they are happy? I guess, honestly, I think my XH does not care about me or my feelings or I would not be in this situation. Yep, leaving is the only way to keep my sanity...or ummmm...regain it, anyway. I don't drink much, but tonight I had a small glass of wine and when XH saw it he asked what was I doing drinking wine on Tuesday night? Really??? (I didn't know that wasn't allowed) Anyway, I told him that I was celebrating because I thought he had done me a favor and that I would be happier without him. I don't think he liked that..hee hee {{HUGS}} back at you. We can use all we can get. We can compare our lives in a year and maybe we will be where Debtman is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Wow...sounds so familiar A year ago in October, when my stbx first told me it was over, she was going out with OM 3-4 nights a week until 4-5 am while I stayed home with my kids. After 3 weeks of that, I moved out, moved in with my parents for 4-months while OM shacked up with her. jaymz, been following your thread, hang in there. Stay positive, deal with what comes up and keep your emotions uninvolved. You're doing great...it does get better...VERY much better. Steen719, it's hard to see now, but he's done you a favor. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who wont cheat on you and leave as soon as he thinks the grass is greener. Eventually, he'll learn that it's not and he's just taking his problems from one relationship to another, while you've been given a chance to focus back on yourself. Remind yourself what it takes for YOU to be happy and, when the next relationship opportunity comes along, you'll know that much more about yourself and about relationships and will end up in a much healthier, happier place. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thank you, Debtman. It is hard to see the other side when you are in it; that is for sure. He is still saying today that he does not understand my anger at him and that I could have stayed with him and tried to work it out. Asked if he could have done so, he says no. My anger stems (in part) from how my life has changed so drastically from this. I will no longer have an intact family, my son's life has changed, I will no longer have my home that I worked so hard for, I will most likely be by myself and I may end up in bankruptcy. How can anyone not understand anger in that situation? Does it hurt that he can move on so quickly? Absolutely, it does. I do not deny that I am hurt by that and I admit it to him. I am honest about how I feel about this and that is all there is. I guess I lack understanding of how he can take so little responsibility for what he has done and blame me for so much. Anyway, I have to believe in my heart and head that I will get through this and come out on the other side a happy person. I like to read a story like yours that shows it was a difficult thing to do, but can be done, so thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Put a deposit down and application in on a little condo today. Almost puked after, but did it. (Just kidding..nervous, though) Son went me with to look at it and told me I could start again and be happy there. I did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 Steen719, Good for you!! This is a very positive step and will help greatly in you moving on and living your life for yourself! Stay focused, stay positive and everything will improve daily. Don't forget, you're still on the emotional roller coaster, so there will be down times, but use that anger and frustration to energize yourself and make improvements! Good luck and keep posting!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 (edited) Sorry, Debtman. I took your Happy New Year's thread and made it about me. But, I appreciate your comments, so one more post...packed up more stuff to put in storage and when he came in he said I think the house will look better with some stuff in it and I said I didn't care..what? "I just don't care, I want to leave." He said so do I and I said just leave and give me half of the house payment and you can go. I'll cover the utilities. He said he could not do that, so I said, ok, I will leave and pay half of the house payment, which is all I have to do. He lost it and screamed at me at the top of his lungs..very angry, extremely angry that I would leave. "You will be breaking our agreement"..I said "No, I only have to make 1/2 of house payments" He then said "I will take you to court and sue the f**ing pants off of you. Walking in the other room, he yelled I can't believe you did that in front of son, you f**ing fruitcake" (who was in the chair in the room). I did not yell at him and he absolutely lost it. I tried to get him to not talk about it, put my hand up and said I don't want to talk about it and he was the one that screamed at me. I looked at my son and told him that I was sorry and I burst into tears. He came and sat next to me and put his arm around me and said "you have to get out of here, Mom, get out" I may have problems trying to get out unless he is gone. I cannot believe I am in this situation. At least son leaves to go back to college tomorrow and will not have to see this. Edited January 6, 2012 by Steen719 Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Steen719, No problem at all. Hopefully you've gotten yourself out of there and away from him. Good job taking the higher road and not letting yourself get pulled into an argument. Good luck and keep posting!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Fingers crossed, February 1st. I'll post an update then. Thank you, Debtman. Link to post Share on other sites
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