kkay Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Hey folks, Well, as you can see from the title, he called me. HE actually called ME. If anyone remembers (or cares) basically we have not talked following the four months after our break up. As you know from http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311034/ , I recently took accountability where I feel I am at fault in the deterioration of our relationship. Anyway, I sent him a "Merry Xmas" text before I went to bed on the 25th and never heard anything back until New Years Eve morning when he called me! Now, I have said from the beginning that I will not play games and that I will make my decisions based on my heart and my head. Well, luckily for me I was busy texting when his call came through and before I had time to even realize he was calling I had pushed the "Ignore Call" button. He left me a nice message apologizing for not wishing me a merry xmas sooner, hoping I had a good time with my family, hoped I was able to get a few days off of work and wished me a happy nye. At the end of the message he actually said "Talk to you soon". As we all know, these are words we all long to hear after a b/u. So, I took sometime to think about my options and sent him a text in the early evening wishing him a happy ny and left it at that. At that point I wasn't sure how I wanted to move forward and if I would even want to call him in the up and coming days. Obviously, my desire to talk to him won out and I called him last night to hear about his holidays. As a teacher he has another week off of school so he has another week to really think about us and our future before having work on the brain. Anyway - the conversation was light and actually contained quite a few jokes and humorous stories about the holidays. We talked for about 20 minutes, kept it light and friendly and ended with him leaving an opening for getting together (his parents have some DVDs of mine and are almost finished watching them) so he asked what I wanted him to do with them when they were done with them. Obviously I may be looking into it a little to far but still, I know him and I know he does not feel able to ask me to hang out without an excuse. So, I left the conversation saying it was great to hear from him and that hopefully we can talk again soon. Thoughts?! Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I just wanted to say good luck. I didn't read your original story but you seem happy to be back in contact and hoping it will lead to more... Whenever I think about what i would do which is pretty much act on impulse, go with your feelings it seems to against all the advice most give here. I think its more important to understand your thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Hows it going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 So, nothing yet but that was expected seeing that we only talked two days ago. Seeing that we haven't really spoken in 4 months I am not really going to start pushing after 2 measly days of silence. Just going to let it play out the way I have had to let this whole emotional/nervous breakdown of his. On my way to work this morning I got to thinking about a few things re: us because since things have started slowly progressing I am finding myself nervous about a few things. And, when I say nervous I don't mean first date nervous, I mean I have done a lot of work over the past 4 months and I want him to be in a similar mental spot and to have reflected on our relationship as well BEFORE starting anything. I don't doubt my love and desire to re-start and build our future together basically from scratch. I do question if he has done any personal work BUT I can only speculate because we have yet to have that conversation. I will keep you posted when we speak again! Send me your positive vibes! Link to post Share on other sites
pd8mxq Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Hi Kkay, read your post and I think you did very well into no contact for four months. But as a dumpee myself, I find it common that to fall into something that almost all dumpees do, which is to misread dumper's action, reading a bit too much of what they sent you in txt and second guess their thoughts. Now if you want positive vibes. Then yes you are doing well after four months of NC. But my thoughts is that, he didnt call you initially. He called you because you sent him a txt. It is out of the blue for you but we shouldnt be suddenly thinking you two can reconcile again. We need to come back down to earth a little bit here. Just one call does not mean there's a chance in reconcile. He might miss you and who woudlnt after three years and so yes, why would he want to hear your voice after four months. But thats all, it does not mean anything more at this stage. So dont start to think too much because you have been doing so well of NC and now, a lil courtesy msgs at NYE which I also got can stir your mind like crazy and high hopes. It is evident because you start to ask questions such as 'not sure if he has done work in these 4 months' etc....this is a sign of having thinking a bit too much and high hopes from a call and txt. We all do that and it messes up your mind if the end result is not what we dumpee wants. So please dont be offended and just stay away from him. Unless he really contacts you first and want to talk about you two instead of breadcrumbs like DVDs. If he wants a reconciliation, he will tell you and he will contact first. You do not need to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 No offense taken. I completely understand your POV and appreciate your feedback. I am not a person to look into hidden meanings or make up reasons in my mind as to why the contact was initiated. However, in my previous posting I spoke about a very emotional get together before Christmas where I suggested that we open the lines of communication again. Prior to this suggestion there was absolutely no communication between us, no calls, texts, emails... nothing. So, maybe I am getting a little too excited about one measly call however, the context and timeline in which it occurred is actually important to note. Like I said, I'll keep whoever is interested posted. Finding followup stories on here is tough Link to post Share on other sites
confused kitty Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Any update Kkay??? Ive updated my post with most recent contact, would love your valued oppinion on what to do next, thanks Confused K Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 An update... Things have been rather personal for me lately as I just found out my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Things are moving really quickly as we just found out this week and she is heading into surgery early next week. My energies have shifted from wanting him back to just needing him as a support system. As soon as I hung up the phone with my parents I dialed his number. Before I even realized what I did he was on the phone. I obviously broke down and spoke with him about what was going on and what I had just found out. At that point we didn't have anymore information other than the fact that they had found cancer. He was extremely supportive and warm to me which was nice but because I was with him for four year I know how deep of a thinker he is. His voice and interaction with me were comforting but I could sense that he was also worried too. He has known my family for four years and has became close with them as well. When the conversation ended he asked me to contact him when I received more news. Well, last night I got some more news and it was that they had rushed my Mom's appt with the surgeon to today. She isn't having surgery today but just discussions about the procedures and more tests to see if it is invasive. Anyway, when I heard this I texted him and told him I was extremely fearful and worried for my mom. He responded and we had a vague but supportive exchange of about 4-5 texts. Obviously I would love his support and really want nothing more than for him to be here with me during this time but I guess I cant expect anything from him. I will just have to see how things progress with my mom and choose to reach out to him when I feel I need to. He is now aware of my Mom's status and I guess I will measure the level of his concern if he contacts me in the next few days to ask for an update.... So, that's where I am. My priorities and stressors have definitely shifted... Link to post Share on other sites
confused kitty Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 aww Kkay Im so so sorry to hear about your mom, thaughts and prayers are with you Keep strong and focused on your mom for now Link to post Share on other sites
PoppyLove89 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I am so sorry to hear about your mum! My mum had breast cancer too and believe me, the sooner they find and deal with it the better!!! My thoughts are with you at this time. Stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Hi Friends, Hope all is well with you and your situation. As for me, here's an update... As you know, I have been dealing with a lot of issues surrounding my mom's health as she has been diagnosed with cancer. Basically I am 8 hours away from her and won't be able to make it home for her surgery on Thursday. Its been a whirlwind over the past 2 weeks but her diagnosis is good and the prognosis is positive so other than a lot of stress and inevitable cancer treatments things look bright beyond the chemo. I have great friends that have been a fantastic support system but its just not the same as it would be if I was still with my ex. I am able to look at this objectively and know that if we were still together and I wasn't attending counseling for the last four months I would not be in the same, healthy mindset that I am right now. In all honesty, I think that my ex and I breaking up was some act of fate and prepared me for a greater battle. It has allowed me to learn my strengths and weaknesses and has granted me coping mechanisms and new levels of support that I was unaware of when we were together. And now, the phone call.... Since my ex and I were together for so long my mother basically was his mother. When I updated him about her being diagnosed with cancer he was in shock but as supportive as possible. He asked me to keep him updated which was a nice invitation to continue talking. However, over the weekend I became upset that he hadn't reached out to me. I was extremely distraught that he didn't feel the need to contact me and see how I was. I was pretty torn apart about it but came to the realization that I told him I would keep him updated and maybe, he didn't feel like he should reach out until I reached out to him. I know - a lot of speculation but give me a break! So, on Monday (yesterday) I shot him a text asking if he would mind talking to me that evening after I got home from working late. He said to send him a text beforehand and he would make sure he was awake and available to talk. Positive sign! So, after work it was fairly late and I texted him letting him know I was home and that he could call when he was available. He texted me back immediately and said he would call in 30 minutes. When he called and I told him the procedures that were going to take place, the risks, the followup and how my mom was doing. He was legitimately concerned and expressed that I extend his feelings on to my mom. I was unsure if that was all of the conversation was going to entail but we started talking about work, our weekends, our upcoming weeks and some funny things that took place while we were in a relationship. It was just light, airy and completely nice to talk to him. I asked him how the building of his house was coming along and he responded in the same tone he always does when I ask him about the house. He just doesn't seem excited. It's like he is talking about a dead dog. It's monotone and it almost makes me sad because I know how badly he has wanted a house and I just don't feel like this is how he expected it to be. We were cracking jokes about our old superintendent and the ladies that work in the office of My apartment (was ours) and he wasn't at ease. He was able to crack jokes but when it came time for him to refer to it as mine, he just couldn't do it. I told him it was okay to refer to it as "our old apartment" as it no longer bothers me. It's mine now. As well, I recently started running and will be completing my first half marathon in a few months. He used to be an elite runner so I was asking him for some tips, told him my goal time (I havent verbalized it to anyone) and he made a joke about how I have to attain it now because I said it out loud. He didn't verbalize it but I think we have a very interesting dynamic regarding this. He stopped running when we moved in together and it was a bone of contention. I think he is excited that I am running but also wondering why I would never run with him when we were together... I do not have the answer to this... Anyway, the conversation ended with him trying to stay conscious on the phone (this is not unheard of - he used to do this all of the time when we were together and he didn't want to hang up). I suggested that we end the call and talk sometime soon. I mentioned it would be nice to see him this weekend and suggested the possibility of coffee. He asked me to contact him later this week because I wasn't positive of my weekend work schedule. So, I thanked him for listening to me and told him how much it meant to me and... that was that. Now, before all of you cynics jump on here and tell me I am reading into things that do not mean anything... I don't agree or disagree with you. I am just relaying what happened for those that care to know how things are progressing. Anyway, friends... your thoughts are appreciated however I would like to keep the negativity at bay. I am completely aware that the context of our conversation is simply that, a conversation. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Glad everything is looking good for your Mum. You are communicating which is excellent so just let it build from there and take things slowly. Oh and good luck with your running!! I also took up running over the last few months and am supposed to be doing my first little run this weekend. I have come down with a nasty ear infection and feeling pretty down in the dumps about whether I am going to be able to run it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Running has been my saviour! I cannot begin to explain to people how much running has benefited my mental state. It just seems to clear my head and allows me the time to really think about the present and truly weigh my options and gauge my feelings. Plus, those long runs give you a lot of time to reflect! What distance will you be running?! Good luck! The feeling of accomplishment and liberation that comes when you cross the finish line will bring you to tears! My first 10 k was the most amazing experience ever. Good luck! Thanks for the support. The communication has started between us and it feels amazing. I guess I will just see where it takes me as slow and steady wins the race and whatever the prize I'm just going to enjoy the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Running has been my saviour! I cannot begin to explain to people how much running has benefited my mental state. It just seems to clear my head and allows me the time to really think about the present and truly weigh my options and gauge my feelings. Plus, those long runs give you a lot of time to reflect! What distance will you be running?! Good luck! The feeling of accomplishment and liberation that comes when you cross the finish line will bring you to tears! My first 10 k was the most amazing experience ever. Good luck! Thanks for the support. The communication has started between us and it feels amazing. I guess I will just see where it takes me as slow and steady wins the race and whatever the prize I'm just going to enjoy the ride. I had a wee peek at your past threads, am i correct in saying that you think your ex has gigs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Hi Smokey, I do think that he has some of the characteristics of GIGS but I really have tried to stop focusing on him and what is going on in his head. Does he fit a lot of the buzz words and "symptoms" definitely! He had never lived with a partner before and honestly, I believe I was his first real love and emotional connection. I had dated another, I will use the term boy, before him for 4 years so I am definitely a person that seeks long term commitment from others. Do I think he had doubts? Definitely. Was he uncertain that I was right for him? For sure. Did he leave me for another woman or relationship? No, I have spoken to him and know him inside and out. This is NOT what happened. I think he really was dealing with inner turmoil and facing a mid twenties break down (when he moved out he was just about to turn 27). What do you think? I really haven't put the whole GIGS theory to use in my breakup however I do think there are several valid points within. He is a very sensitive and deep intellectual thinker and I can tell through our contact he is a little apprehensive because he clearly had doubts in the last year of our relationship. I look at our last year as a complete bomb because we were both in crazy places personally. Myself in postgrad studies and he finally making tenure. He has never stated that he doesn't love me but he has said he isn't 110% sure I am the one he is meant to marry. I often wonder if he has said this to convince himself he has made the right decision in leaving me. Again, assumptions as I do not know what is going on in his head. So, if you think it IS GIG's, what are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 So, we are getting together tomorrow after work for coffee. It just seems to weird that after almost 5 months apart and some extreme distance we are slowly starting to talk more over the past month than we have since the break up. Basically, us getting together was prompted because of our phone call last week regarding my mom's surgery but he is definitely becoming more interested about what I have been up to and has been speaking about me to our mutual friends. Basically, when we broke up he pretended that I never existed and was never a part of his life... I guess my question is this, I have laid my cards on the table and I feel I have said enough about our relationship and break up in our past meetings. I think that this get together should just be light and involve zero discussion about us unless he brings it up. Even if he does, I think I would prefer to stay away from any serious conversations about our split. I feel the advancements we have made and from what I have heard from other people he might be finally snapping out of his crazy head space. Although we have A LOT to discuss I do not think tomorrow is the time for it. I think that an evening of good conversation could open the door for more in-depth communication in the coming weeks. What are your thoughts? Any advice would be appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Michael30 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I've read your posts and all I gotta say is just be careful and take things slow. Don't let him try to persuade you to move too fast, if you know what I mean. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thanks Michael but knowing him, I am sure that will not be on the table. He is extremely deep and sensitive and it will probably take awhile for that to come back... Thanks for the advice! It's much appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
confused kitty Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Hey Kkay, I havent been on here in a while but just read all your updates, so glad to hear things are looking good for your mum and wish you all the best with the meet up. Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 So, I met up with my ex the other evening and all things went well. We met up and had dinner and then went for coffee after. I got the sense from him that he didn't want the evening to end and I was definitely feeling the same too. We kept the conversation light and we didn't mention anything about our breakup, the apartment or any other things that are still hanging over our heads since our separation. Basically all things went well. A few things, when discussing his house he told me he was not excited for it. That makes me feel extremely sad for him but overall, it's his fault for making a stupid decision during a very emotional time. He paid for dinner. I offered to have the cheque split but he seemed quite happy to pay. At the end of dinner I asked him to go for coffee and he gladly accepted. This makes me wonder because he could have easily said no or that it was too late and went home. Judging by the evening I think it is safe to say we both had a good time. I sent him a text the following day thanking him for dinner and letting him know I had a nice time. He responded almost immediately and said the same. Not to sure what I should do now? At the end of the evening he drove me home and said "I'm sure we will be talking later this week". What does that mean? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
moosekaka Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 So, I met up with my ex the other evening and all things went well. We met up and had dinner and then went for coffee after. I got the sense from him that he didn't want the evening to end and I was definitely feeling the same too. We kept the conversation light and we didn't mention anything about our breakup, the apartment or any other things that are still hanging over our heads since our separation. Basically all things went well. A few things, when discussing his house he told me he was not excited for it. That makes me feel extremely sad for him but overall, it's his fault for making a stupid decision during a very emotional time. He paid for dinner. I offered to have the cheque split but he seemed quite happy to pay. At the end of dinner I asked him to go for coffee and he gladly accepted. This makes me wonder because he could have easily said no or that it was too late and went home. Judging by the evening I think it is safe to say we both had a good time. I sent him a text the following day thanking him for dinner and letting him know I had a nice time. He responded almost immediately and said the same. Not to sure what I should do now? At the end of the evening he drove me home and said "I'm sure we will be talking later this week". What does that mean? Thoughts? speaking as a guy, I say he wants a reconciliation too. I think you should call him later in the week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Since our pseudo date night I have sent him a text saying Thanks for dinner, I had a nice time. He responded quickly saying he had a good time as well. I think you are right and that I should contact him later this week. My Mom will get her test result on Friday (fingers crossed) and he has told me he wants to stay informed. Maybe I will call him Sunday with the her prognosis. I was debating about asking him to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo sometime next week. When we were together we read all of the books at the same time. Too much, too soon? Link to post Share on other sites
confused kitty Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I say go for it! Its only a movie, worst coming to the worst even friends go to movies :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkay Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 Okay, so I haven't updated since I last saw my ex because it has been a few weeks of turmoil. Basically, he has disappeared off the face of the earth again. Because I lived with him for three years I know how much he fears communication and I know that there are issues that he is absolutely petrified of discussing with me. So, on the random date night we went for dinner and coffee and the next day we sent each other a text saying we had a really great time and that we would talk soon. Well, we haven't talked. Now I haven't called him but I have sent a few random texts (2) and received no responses in a week and a half. I have came to this conclusion - he is scared. Since I have known him so long it is typical behaviour for him to run and ignore the issues at hand when he is scared of confronting anything and discussing serious, deep topics. So my question is this, do I confront him or do I allow him to sit on things awhile longer? In the relationship it was always me that had to bring issues to the forefront and I am not an overt communicator in the first place so I am wondering if it is time for me to bring the issues up, gently... The thing is we had a great time together and he said so himself. I know that he is miserable and told me directly that he is not happy with the decisions he has recently made. I am just not too sure how to confront a man that is so confused and living in a state of mental anguish. Does anyone have any ideas? Deep down I know we will reconcile and I am willing to let him have his space however I need to at least understand the reasons behind the instant silence. Its like we take 3 steps forward and then 4 steps back... Link to post Share on other sites
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