Coping Log Attempt #1

[sunflowering]

Ah it's getting close to being a month since we broke up. I remember how he ended it the first time, and feel stupid for not giving the both of us enough time for chance, which in turn probably led to this second, and last breakup.

We were together for three years so I thought I should give him the benefit of the doubt, that I was an exception, that he could change within 3 months. But that was a bit... stupid. Since both of us are so young and in college.

I'm dealing everyday without you pretty okay, at least I'm thinking so. I haven't ever shut myself away, and I picked up new hobbies. I started working out a little bit everyday, I started learning how to play the guitar, and I really want to get involved in new areas of my social and academic life.

Even though the happiness I feel when spending time with my friends feel like pulling teeth and so insignificant, I will keep it up, so I can be happy eventually in the long run.

 

There are a lot of things that I wanted to say to you. About how I don't NEED you. But still I miss you. About how much it hurts. But theres nothing I can do, after its been done. I felt like giving you a second chance, because I was afraid I would miss something. I felt like the reason why we failed was because of me. But after I saw how you were in the relationship, and saw how you just treated me... how you broke up with me even though I initiated it... you were too scared to do it again. I realized this time around two very important things, 1) that its not because of me that our relationship didn't work out. And 2) I don't ever want to try a third time.

 

I have so many unanswered questions, but I know they'll remain unanswered...

I know you have TGIG syndrome (emotional immaturity), I know you're afraid of committing and settling and missing out on something, I know you're afraid of not being in control, and I know you have personal problems that I could never fix for you, and you know it too... because these things, I've either seen in the way you treat me, or you have said straight forwardly. Or maybe you're just not all that interested in me.

 

I loved you so much. I cared so much. I trusted so much. But I realized I should love blindly. I shouldn't trust blindly. I shouldn't have to compromise myself, and rationalized your actions, and change myself to your every whim.

I used to shine so much around you. Brightly flickering like the sun. I wanted to be your sun that brought a different kind of happiness and light to whatever darkness you had in your life.

But every single time you try to stay in control, every single time your personality stifled mine, everytime you handed to me an ultimatum, everytime I noticed your withdrawal, and everytime you put me on the sideline, my light in myself when I'm with you disappeared a little.

 

I learned so much about you because i wanted to. But I don't think you did the same to me. It really was your problem. Because it was always about you... you... and more you...

 

I hate wallowing in whatever feelings I have right now, but I believe I'm in the 4th stage of grieving. The lame depression stage. I know that I deserve better, that I wasn't treated right. That it wasn't a healthy relationship, and I'm still growing. I know with time I'll heal myself. I just to be patient and trust time. Put myself first.

 

You make me so wordy... And it hurts.

[sunflowering]

I feel bitter... but I wish you happiness. Even if I was your right person, its the wrong time. But maybe we were just two wrong people moving along together. blindly moving. Cheers to the end of my first love. All shall be well with time.

[sunflowering]

Its already so late into the night, yet somehow you're still on my mind. I know I had to let each day pass on its on, and there will be days where I feel super and nothing for you at all, and days where I'm always thinking of you, and sad for the end of our relationship. I miss you. Just you. Your smile. But its okay. I'll be okay.

 

You deleted me on Facebook the first time we broke up, and you put me on limited profile. You didn't do it this time. I wonder if I'll ever hear from you again.

 

Why do I love you so much? Why can't I be angry and stay angry at you for the things you did to me? Why do I care if you talk to me again? Why are the days so hard for me when there's not enough distractions? I should be okay..

 

Maybe if I knew why you weren't a good guy for me:

 

Your Pros:

Loyal

Straightforward

Laid-back

Funny

Truthful

(Cute expressions - rather shallow but still)

 

Your Cons:

Controlling

Broke up with me once

Lack of interest in me

Make me feel like an option

Didn't know if you loved me/ liked me

Confused

Always think I'm needy

Coward at the end

Lead me to really believe you wanted to try again, and I really made myself trust you like I did the first time...

Gave me ultimatums

Wasn't afraid to hurt me emotionally when you were angry

Violent/aggressive

Emotionally immature

I wasn't a priority anywhere

 

I feel like I filled a lonely spot in you. I feel like I was used. even though you said in the beginning that you weren't using me. Ha I actually asked you that question. I should've known how insecure I felt about our relationship the second time. We were hanging in limbo for the entire month. It felt like years... and I wasn't happy.

Maybe we just grew apart. You got into different things, and I feel like you're going around in circles trying to find yourself. And I think I just moved along. Being more of who I wanted to be.

 

But tonight is the first night I've cried for you in a long time. Maybe its just a part of my grieving process. I wonder if you're hurting like I am. It's not so much I want you to hurt, it's more of I wonder if you really felt much for me for it to hurt as badly as I'm feeling...

 

Let me remember that you were my first love, and those days were really the happiest of my life to date. But because I loved you so much, let me go. Every day I feel like even though I ended it with you, it feels so much like you dumped me. Because you ended up telling me the truth.

 

Let's not do this again... At least not until you're ready. And I'm ready. Which I probably won't be, not for you, not for years. But I hope by then, I will have recovered and discovered a healthier love.

Although I can't really think of it now, but I hope by then both of us will have moved on to where we need to be.

 

I really want to let you go. But my heart keeps on hanging on to those little moments of happiness for me. But I won't worry, because I know once I resume school, and my normal life. I'll move on and feel less and less with each passing day.

 

I'll recognize our relationship for what it is. It was beautiful in the beginning, not healthy, but still passionate and exciting. So many firsts for me. I'm so grateful for that. But we grew up, and grew apart, and that's okay. We can't stay kids forever. But I'm still glad I got to experience this with you, because I learned the difference between healthy and unhealthy, dependent and interdependent, the controlling and the secure.

 

I'm smiling as I'm crying. I hope you find someone lovely, and I hope one day I will too.

[betterdeal]

<subscribes>

[sunflowering]

Hey you

 

I actually feel better today. I suppose maybe today is one of those up days, more up than down at least. I'm getting involved as a mentor for international students soon, I'm happy that I'm expanding myself and exploring new areas of my life. I don't want to get stuck like you. Always feeling miserable because your life is on repeat and doing the same thing every day. I want to grow.

 

I set goals for myself this semester.

 

I want to get all A's, or mostly A's if possible.

I want to go to the gym regularly.

I want to get better at guitar (I want to have a collection of songs I can sing and play on a regular basis).

I want to get better at piano.

I want to get involved with school events and meet new people/friends.

I want to make some of my friendships closer.

I want to really work on my research.

I want to find a job during the summer. I want to get a pet.

I want to find an apartment and a nice roommate.

I want to do some self discovery.

I want to add some depth to myself that I feel like I lost over time being with you.

 

I wonder what you're going to do. If you'll still sit there all day, if you'll just do your homework all day, hang out with friends, playing guitar, smoke, and play games. I hope you're doing something for yourself too.

 

I'm okay without you. I've never been needy like you said. I'm just me. And I hope you find you.

[sunflowering]

Hey you, stupid ex of mine.

Why do you have to talk to my close friend? When you never really talked to her before? Are you interested? It's none of my business. But seriously, why are you trying to be in my social circle? There's so many other fish out there for you, just stay away from these ones. It's so disrespectful to me. I hope you know.

 

I want to move on with my life. Let me do so.

 

But its okay. I realize that she's attractive, or maybe you're just looking for a friend, maybe you're just really lonely right now.

Either way, I know for myself, I can't get back into an unhealthy relationship whether I love you or not. So please look elsewhere, move on with your life, so I can move on with mine...

 

I hope today will be a better day than how it started.