Why doesn't xMW just let it go ?

[donnamaybe]

E-mail is simple to block. Phone numbers can be changed. Anyone who really wants NC would take those measures. There would then be no need for threads like this.

 

On a seperate note, If I were a BS and found out my spouse was continuing to communicate with their AP, the R would be over.

[FightClub]

Hey E7,

 

Happy New Year buddy!

 

I have a question for you that has been asked in this thread and you've answered something similar a few times but I'm more curious about something else.

 

I get everything you are saying, I can definitely empathize with your thoughts and views.

 

So, why do you communicate with her? What are you looking for when you talk to her, specifically.

 

If you had to ask yourself why you talk to her, can you give me a perspective of the reasons besides being polite, etc.

 

Thanks!

 

-FC

[Heather1]

Hi East, haven't posted for awhile but still read. Couple of thoughts...one is that it went from zero to drama in no time & maybe that's what you need to remember about her.

Or...of course she's reaching out, she loves you but can't leave her family. I don't know why AP's think leaving a family, extended family, etc is easy to do. Yes, it's done all the time but at a huge price & risk.

You don't want to be an AP, she can't leave for whatever reason & that's a deal breaker for you. It was never about her not loving you, so she can't let go. If this is absolutely your stand, the only thing you can do is not reply & maybe you can both move on. She can't stop, so it's up to you.

 

Oh...& I talk a big game, haha

[Owl]

This is hardly the OP's fault. Seriously. When you don't solicite emails or text messages you cannot be to blame.

 

Being 'mean', ignoring or putting one's foot down in a situation like this does NOT always make the other person stop contacting you.

 

Tried it.

 

.

 

They will keep coming back...unless or until the suffer a consequence for coming back.

 

It's like any other boundary...they need to be enforced in some fashion. The "benefit" of coming back must be outweighed by the "damage" of the enforced boundary.

 

In East's case...he could simply tell her "Stop contacting me, or I will forward all future contact attempts to your H to sort out".

 

You could probably do something similar in your case as well, CIK.

 

The way to enforce change is to do exactly that...enforece change.

 

It's not his fault that she tries to contact him...but if he truly wants to see contact attempts end, he can enforce boundaries to ensure that they do. So could you if you choose to do so.

 

No insult intended to either one of you...just pointing out where and why our opinions differ on this.

[donnamaybe]

They will keep coming back...unless or until the suffer a consequence for coming back.

 

It's like any other boundary...they need to be enforced in some fashion. The "benefit" of coming back must be outweighed by the "damage" of the enforced boundary.

 

In East's case...he could simply tell her "Stop contacting me, or I will forward all future contact attempts to your H to sort out".

 

You could probably do something similar in your case as well, CIK.

 

The way to enforce change is to do exactly that...enforece change.

 

It's not his fault that she tries to contact him...but if he truly wants to see contact attempts end, he can enforce boundaries to ensure that they do. So could you if you choose to do so.

 

No insult intended to either one of you...just pointing out where and why our opinions differ on this.

And if I were a partner of a cheater and saw that steps were NOT taken to ensure contact stopped, it wouldn't be far fetched for me to assume the contact was wanted. I would feel betrayed yet again at this further discovery.

[nofool4u]

So,

1-either she is manipulative when she gets bored.

2-or she is really obsessed

3-or she is nutcase.

 

Or 4, she simply is a woman void of scruples and is a big C:cool:

[confusedinkansas]

You're right. We could go to the end of the world & back with efforts to keep our XAP's from contacting us.

Change phone numbers, delete email accounts, buy a new car, move our job - hell we could even move to a different home.

 

Here's the way I look at this: Why should I (or OP) have to go to all these lengths? His X has been asked to stop. She hasn't. No amount of blockage will stop anyone from contacting you if they want to.

 

I personally -(Not because of the XAP -My situation just changed) Have a new phone number, deleted the old email & moved to a new job. AND guess what - He still found me. (My work email is published on our website - can't stop that)

 

Anyway - That's just my point. If they are hell-bent on contacting you - They will. So you either let it bother you & waste countless hours wondering WHY...........or you just figure Well, It's part of my past that I can't change. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 

HEY - I guess you could contact her husband & let him know that she's still in contact with you. Think that would stop her? My answer: I doubt it.

[donnamaybe]

You're right. We could go to the end of the world & back with efforts to keep our XAP's from contacting us.

Change phone numbers, delete email accounts, buy a new car, move our job - hell we could even move to a different home.

 

Here's the way I look at this: Why should I (or OP) have to go to all these lengths? His X has been asked to stop. She hasn't. No amount of blockage will stop anyone from contacting you if they want to.

 

I personally -(Not because of the XAP -My situation just changed) Have a new phone number, deleted the old email & moved to a new job. AND guess what - He still found me. (My work email is published on our website - can't stop that)

 

Anyway - That's just my point. If they are hell-bent on contacting you - They will. So you either let it bother you & waste countless hours wondering WHY...........or you just figure Well, It's part of my past that I can't change. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

 

HEY - I guess you could contact her husband & let him know that she's still in contact with you. Think that would stop her? My answer: I doubt it.

Interesting. I was able to get someone to stop contacting me by blocking him on my e-mail (no need to change the addy - just block him) and blocking him on my phone (again, no need to change a phone number - just block him).

 

Again I would feel, were I the BS and found my partner continuing contact with their former AP no matter who contacted who first - ESPECIALLY if they answered an e-mail, that they WANTED the contact. And they would be out and free to have all the contact they wanted.

[confusedinkansas]

Donna - I completely understanding blocking someone from phone or email contact.

I think you're missing my point. I mean that IF someone is DETERMINED enough - they'll find a way.

 

My XAP contacting me doesn't even bother me anymore. Used to.

Hubby knows he tries from time to time.

As I said - He's just part of my past that I can't change or take back. Something I just have to live with. Same as everyone else that's cheated.

[2sunny]

If you ignore someone long enough - they will go away!

 

If they don't - consequences help!

 

Tell her IF she contacts again - you won't respond - you will ONLY immediately tell her H.

[Owl]

Donna - I completely understanding blocking someone from phone or email contact.

I think you're missing my point. I mean that IF someone is DETERMINED enough - they'll find a way.

 

I think you missed my point.

 

Consequences result in the other person no longer desiring to contact you.

 

Not having consequences, not enforcing those boundaries only reinforce their desire to continue contact.

 

That's why the OP is still having issues with MW contacting him...she's suffered no consequences for her actions.

[2sunny]

Donna - I completely understanding blocking someone from phone or email contact.

I think you're missing my point. I mean that IF someone is DETERMINED enough - they'll find a way.

 

I think you missed my point.

 

Consequences result in the other person no longer desiring to contact you.

 

Not having consequences, not enforcing those boundaries only reinforce their desire to continue contact.

 

That's why the OP is still having issues with MW contacting him...she's suffered no consequences for her actions.

 

Exactly!

 

If her H was notified - something may change! He also deserves to know what she is doing behind his back. He has choices too - but not if the truth is kept from him.

 

I'd tell him TODAY exactly what she's done!

 

That'll hold her accountable for her actions. Then she may think twice about toying with your emotions next time she wants her ego feed.

[Circular]

Donna - I completely understanding blocking someone from phone or email contact.

I think you're missing my point. I mean that IF someone is DETERMINED enough - they'll find a way.

 

My XAP contacting me doesn't even bother me anymore. Used to.

Hubby knows he tries from time to time.

As I said - He's just part of my past that I can't change or take back. Something I just have to live with. Same as everyone else that's cheated.

 

I agree with you CIK but I'd also say that I think East has a different dynamic going on here.

 

There's a door being left cracked open because I think East is seeking vindication. He may very well believe he would never want to be with her, but he also knows he gave up a part of himself to this woman and it cost him dearly.

 

He allows her to come back, allows her to have conversation with him because a part of that bond still remains - we all know how hard it is to erase these bonds, no matter how much anger, frustration, rationalization, justification of it being wrong, or vilification of the AP we throw at it doesn't fade as easy as any of us would like. Bonds are created and exist between people for a very primal reason so they aren't meant to be destroyed easily since they tie back to survival.

 

East, just so you know I don't hold that against you, you have to deal with it the best way you see fit - I think though you're trying to vilify her as a means to an end, which only makes it more complex as deep inside you have to ask 'how could I love someone so wretched, crazy, etc...' Sometimes you have to just recognize that you love someone, that you need to let them go for their own good, that you can't enable their bad/wrong behaviors, that they have to walk that path alone. Quit throwing her a safety net.

[LadyGrey]

I think an ow/om who is out of the affair is contacted by xmm/xmw on some level we'd like to think that it's because of them still having loving feelings for us, pining after us, or maybe realizing that they screwed up by letting us go. Notice I said the key word is "like to think". The reality is that isn't what it is at all. If they are still married, then all that remains is the brokenness/selfishness in them that allowed them to have the affair in the 1st place. As much as the ow/om might like it to mean something more, it doesn't.

 

In many ways the contact after an affair further highlights what was broken and apparently still is. I think if an xmm/xmw doesn't contact you in shows a lot more respect and regard and who knows maybe even some love as they no longer want to do any damage to you nor to themselves or their marriage. A fishing expedition by a mm/mw is the utmost in an exercise in selfishness and shows love for no one.

[donnamaybe]

Hubby knows he tries from time to time.

But if he knew you were conversing with him, I bet he wouldn't like it. And if he does know and doesn't protest, I bet it's silently eating him up inside.

[nofool4u]

But if he knew you were conversing with him, I bet he wouldn't like it. And if he does know and doesn't protest, I bet it's silently eating him up inside.

 

Exactly right. And the reason it still goes on is because someone:rolleyes: doesn't nip it in the butt for good.

[RickFox]

And here I sit reading this whole thread, thinking, gee, I wish my xMW would contact me............someone slap me with a 4x4.

 

I don't have an answer, Im partial to Cicular's response but only because he has helped me thru much of my own issues. If you truly are indifferent, you wouldn't need to respond to her. I know, at least now, if my xMW attempted contact I'd probably fail big time and give in.

[confusedinkansas]

But if he knew you were conversing with him, I bet he wouldn't like it. And if he does know and doesn't protest, I bet it's silently eating him up inside.

 

Since no one here knows the back story............Yes, he does & no it doesn't.

From everything I've read here - we're apparently not in the Norm Category:) Thank God:D

[Confused4Now]

In many ways the contact after an affair further highlights what was broken and apparently still is. I think if an xmm/xmw doesn't contact you in shows a lot more respect and regard and who knows maybe even some love as they no longer want to do any damage to you nor to themselves or their marriage. A fishing expedition by a mm/mw is the utmost in an exercise in selfishness and shows love for no one.

I have to agree with this...I would also add hopefully they are working on their marriage and not making the same mistakes over and over again.

[East7]

I would like to thank anyone having posted.

 

I am in a busy period trying to work and have fun going out with co-workers, so my xMW wasn't my biggest obsession. I will be honest, I still think about her once in awhile but everything seems so far behind me. Today I can't believe the amount of pain I went though 1 year ago, I can't believe what a fool I was to be involved with someone who was in relationship with someone else. Polyamory or love for more than one person, I don't believe that bull** anymore. This is something people use to justify cake-eating. Humans are not made to be in love with two persons at the same time.

 

I agree with Circular that somehow the bond still survives in some fashion for both of us, BUT what good is that doing to us? The cards are played, she chose to stay, I lost trust in her and lost my feelings. Hurt and emotional scars it is all what's left.

 

I agree with Owl and other people here who say "if she insists, tell her H". If she has to suffer consequences of her actions then we will see how genuine is her everlasting love

 

Like all the married people, when they are confronted they chicken out.

 

I have already prepared my answers : If she tells me again she STILL loves me I will ask her to tell her H that she still loves me or I will tell him

 

I have track of all our exchanges, he can spend hours reading if he wants to. I feel sorry for her H because I know how much she is pretending the remorseful wife and the poor guy thinks his wife is someone different now, that she won't cheat ever again. He loves her and he wants to give her the benefit of trusting again but she is far from deserving it.

 

This is how affairs end. She hurt her H, hurt me and hurt herself.

Edited January 6, 2012 by East7

[Heather1]

I still think the best FU is silence.

 

I dyed my hair & am going to Mexico . My revenge/reward. Have my good & bad days though too. I will miss him, but I got a "working on my m" speech I can't argue with.

[donnamaybe]

I would like to thank anyone having posted.

 

I am in a busy period trying to work and have fun going out with co-workers, so my xMW wasn't my biggest obsession. I will be honest, I still think about her once in awhile but everything seems so far behind me. Today I can't believe the amount of pain I went though 1 year ago, I can't believe what a fool I was to be involved with someone who was in relationship with someone else. Polyamory or love for more than one person, I don't believe that bull** anymore. This is something people use to justify cake-eating. Humans are not made to be in love with two persons at the same time.

 

I agree with Circular that somehow the bond still survives in some fashion for both of us, BUT what good is that doing to us? The cards are played, she chose to stay, I lost trust in her and lost my feelings. Hurt and emotional scars it is all what's left.

 

I agree with Owl and other people here who say "if she insists, tell her H". If she has to suffer consequences of her actions then we will see how genuine is her everlasting love

 

Like all the married people, when they are confronted they chicken out.

 

I have already prepared my answers : If she tells me again she STILL loves me I will ask her to tell her H that she still loves me or I will tell him

 

I have track of all our exchanges, he can spend hours reading if he wants to. I feel sorry for her H because I know how much she is pretending the remorseful wife and the poor guy thinks his wife is someone different now, that she won't cheat ever again. He loves her and he wants to give her the benefit of trusting again but she is far from deserving it.

 

This is how affairs end. She hurt her H, hurt me and hurt herself.

 

Yup. She doesn't deserve his trust because she maintains contact. That is why if I were a BS and knew my spouse was still entertaining contact with their former AP he would be out. But maybe some folks let their partner ride roughshod over them, and perhaps that is why there was an A to begin with. Zero respect.

 

OP, you have to care about you in this situation. Her continued contact must serve only to keep opening old wounds. That is so wrong, and you shouldn't have to endure it.

[confusedinkansas]

I still think the best FU is silence.

I'd love to agree with this. Wish it were true for every scenario

 

My husband's initial response to my X contacting me was this -Ignore him, he'll go away.

Lo & behold.............Doesn't Work. He didn't go away.

If I've said it once I've said it 10 times. If someone WANTS to find you, knows you well enough to know your habits, where you live, where you work yadda yadda yadda. They'll find you.

 

Sort of the - You can Run but ya can't Hide. (shrug.)

 

To each their own. XAP's that do this have an obsession of sorts. They just can't let go of the past. OR they THINK they can't. And a thousand other reasons too. If the person they're contacting chooses to let it bother them then that's their issue.

 

Personally, I answer the emails with short responses. Still a NO I won't meet you for a drink & he disappears like a thief in the night. Only to reappear a few months later with the same questions. Weird Huh?

 

OP - I'm glad you're not obsessing & waiting for the next time she will contact you. I think that makes a HUGE difference.

Telling her husband though - keep in mind could open up a whole can of worms. Just make sure you're prepared for anything that could be tossed at you at that time.

[donnamaybe]

I'd love to agree with this. Wish it were true for every scenario

 

My husband's initial response to my X contacting me was this -Ignore him, he'll go away.

Lo & behold.............Doesn't Work. He didn't go away.

If I've said it once I've said it 10 times. If someone WANTS to find you, knows you well enough to know your habits, where you live, where you work yadda yadda yadda. They'll find you.

 

Sort of the - You can Run but ya can't Hide. (shrug.)

 

To each their own. XAP's that do this have an obsession of sorts. They just can't let go of the past. OR they THINK they can't. And a thousand other reasons too. If the person they're contacting chooses to let it bother them then that's their issue.

 

Personally, I answer the emails with short responses. Still a NO I won't meet you for a drink & he disappears like a thief in the night. Only to reappear a few months later with the same questions. Weird Huh?

 

OP - I'm glad you're not obsessing & waiting for the next time she will contact you. I think that makes a HUGE difference.

Telling her husband though - keep in mind could open up a whole can of worms. Just make sure you're prepared for anything that could be tossed at you at that time.

OP, this is a perfect example of how NOT ignoring them keeps them coming back. I'm sorry, but you can't say "See? I ignored him and he didn't stop" and in the same post say you answer his emails. And not one word responses but discussion about kids, etc.

[confusedinkansas]

OP, this is a perfect example of how NOT ignoring them keeps them coming back. I'm sorry, but you can't say "See? I ignored him and he didn't stop" and in the same post say you answer his emails. And not one word responses but discussion about kids, etc.

 

I received emails about every 3 or 4 weeks from him over the course of the first year. I ignored them all. Just as my husband said I should. (& everyone in LS - who advised me to tell my husband. Which I did. He had an indifference of attitude towards it. Blew it off with "just ignore him" then there was no more discussion about it from Hubby)

 

Yes - when I did start answering them - it was one liners. Same as his.

Now, it's a few back & forth - discussing our kids, families, etc. over the course of a day or two - this happens once every 3-4 months.

It doesn't bother me anymore. We could be friends if it weren't for our past. So, yep. I'll continue to answer any emails, briefly, that come my way. Continue to say No when offered to buy me a drink.

 

Anyway - enough about me answering & defending my behavior with my X.

 

I think that the original poster here has matters well in hand.

He's got the right idea. It must bother him some or else he wouldn't have a plan if it continues. Good for him!! I think he just came here hoping to get some WHY'S from maybe an XAP that has behaved this way.