Why doesn't xMW just let it go ?

[donnamaybe]

East, the MW in your situation feels you are the kind of person who will eventually give in if she tries long enough. As long as you aren't that person and if you block phone and email, you may not have to tell her H and risk an ugly situation. As long as contact, however innocuous, is maintained by both sides, there is this perception on the pursuer's part of a possible opening back into your life.

[nofool4u]

I'd love to agree with this. Wish it were true for every scenario

 

My husband's initial response to my X contacting me was this -Ignore him, he'll go away.

Lo & behold.............Doesn't Work. He didn't go away.

 

Thats because you don't want him to go away. Sure, I agree, ignoring won't always work.

 

What will work is telling them to F off and never contact you again, change emails, put blocks on, etc.

 

There is a reason he isn't going away, because you don't want him to.

[nofool4u]

I received emails about every 3 or 4 weeks from him over the course of the first year. I ignored them all. Just as my husband said I should. (& everyone in LS - who advised me to tell my husband. Which I did. He had an indifference of attitude towards it. Blew it off with "just ignore him" then there was no more discussion about it from Hubby)

 

Yes - when I did start answering them - it was one liners. Same as his.

Now, it's a few back & forth - discussing our kids, families, etc. over the course of a day or two - this happens once every 3-4 months.

It doesn't bother me anymore. We could be friends if it weren't for our past. So, yep. I'll continue to answer any emails, briefly, that come my way.

 

I rest my case.

 

 

Anyway - enough about me answering & defending my behavior with my X.

 

You can't defend the indefensible.

 

The only thing you can say is you can get away with it because your husband simply doesn't care, about anything.

[donnamaybe]

I rest my case.

 

 

 

 

You can't defend the indefensible.

 

The only thing you can say is you can get away with it because your husband simply doesn't care, about anything.

Actually, he told her to ignore him, which she did as long as she felt like it. I would bet my real estate that he doesn't know she converses with him. It is, after all, on her work email. Poor guy.

[nofool4u]

Actually, he told her to ignore him, which she did as long as she felt like it.

 

I realize that. The point is he keeps coming back because she doesn't put the brakes on it. Ignoring doesn't tell the OM/OW to F off. It just leaves the door open, which is exactly the way I think most of these cheaters like it.

 

 

I would bet my real estate that he doesn't know she converses with him. It is, after all, on her work email. Poor guy.

 

You could be right, but reading her story, its clear that her husband, again, doesn't care about anything. The only way, IMO, that a husband wouldn't care that much, or not be thoroughly upset about the affair, or lack of telling the OM to go to hell, is if the husband really doesn't have any romantic feelings of love for his wife.

 

If any man adored his wife, he wouldn't have such an aloof, laissez-faire attitude about the affair, and the continued contact after the fact.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hey Everyone! I'm back for just today. It's one day until the one year anniversary of dday for me. I just had to respond to this thread, East. I agree with those who said that your xMW is probably either bored or missing whatever it was you were giving her. She could be struggling emotionallly. I don't think she's a nut. I just think she doesn't know what to do with the void that was created when you left her life. A year and half really isn't that long. When you actually loved someone, the emotions can still be strong and real. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and fonder especially with the hope of continued contact. The problem is the continued contact might help her ego for a little while or your ego, but it only prolongs the "nothingness" of what it is. Something changed in me when I saw my H cry one year ago and when I realized I had broken his heart. My heart was broken too for a long time. I'm not sure if your xMW ever realized how much the affair her hurt H or if she did realize it, she doesn't really want to be with him. There are many possibilities. Maybe she feels more secure with him or would love to have her cake and eat it too again. Either way, it sounds like her marriage is no better than it was before. I do understand how affairs really screw you up. You think because you gave so much of yourself to this other person and poured your heart and soul out, that somehow you can't just shut the door completely...but you can. A year and half really isn't that long to heal from an affair. She's still reaching out because she's missing you. You admitted part of you is missing her as well, but it almost seems like torture to continue contact because no one really moves on. It's my opinion that if the sooner you move on with your actions, the sooner you'll move on emotionally. You say it just feeds your ego, but when you really are completely over someone, you have no problem ignoring them or not discussing the whys of the affair. Maybe you could be nice to her one last time and wish her the best. Then stick to your guns and care about her by ignoring her. You said if she were single and available you wouldn't have her. If that's the case, you shouldn't need an ego boost from her. Just a thought... By the way, I wish you a happy new year. It will all work out. Your heart is in the right place. This will be a distant memory one day.

[East7]

Hey Everyone! I'm back for just today. It's one day until the one year anniversary of dday for me. I just had to respond to this thread, East. I agree with those who said that your xMW is probably either bored or missing whatever it was you were giving her. She could be struggling emotionallly. I don't think she's a nut. I just think she doesn't know what to do with the void that was created when you left her life. A year and half really isn't that long. When you actually loved someone, the emotions can still be strong and real. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and fonder especially with the hope of continued contact. The problem is the continued contact might help her ego for a little while or your ego, but it only prolongs the "nothingness" of what it is. Something changed in me when I saw my H cry one year ago and when I realized I had broken his heart. My heart was broken too for a long time. I'm not sure if your xMW ever realized how much the affair her hurt H or if she did realize it, she doesn't really want to be with him. There are many possibilities. Maybe she feels more secure with him or would love to have her cake and eat it too again. Either way, it sounds like her marriage is no better than it was before. I do understand how affairs really screw you up. You think because you gave so much of yourself to this other person and poured your heart and soul out, that somehow you can't just shut the door completely...but you can. A year and half really isn't that long to heal from an affair. She's still reaching out because she's missing you. You admitted part of you is missing her as well, but it almost seems like torture to continue contact because no one really moves on. It's my opinion that if the sooner you move on with your actions, the sooner you'll move on emotionally. You say it just feeds your ego, but when you really are completely over someone, you have no problem ignoring them or not discussing the whys of the affair. Maybe you could be nice to her one last time and wish her the best. Then stick to your guns and care about her by ignoring her. You said if she were single and available you wouldn't have her. If that's the case, you shouldn't need an ego boost from her. Just a thought... By the way, I wish you a happy new year. It will all work out. Your heart is in the right place. This will be a distant memory one day.

 

Hello Janey and happy new year !

 

I didn't have time to follow the thread as I spent the WE with a nice lady

 

I appreciate to have a fMW POV because you might have a better perception of what it looks like to continue contact with xOM.

 

You are right, there are many parameters to "why" she is doing this. I have moved on, even if I have her in the back on my mind. I did love her, I can't erase her like she never existed. But keeping this intermittent contact is not going to change anything, it is really meaningless.

 

Ironically, I have to ignore her for her good. And yes I don't want her back anyways. Why would I want back someone who chose her H over me? She had the option to be with me and she didn't take it. Whoever had some self-respect wouldn't want her back.

[Gentlegirl]

The XMW is probably contacting you because she still can.

 

The xMM in my past pushed and pushed everytime I wanted to break up with him. He went beserk until I capitualted and let him back in the door.

It was only when his wife got an inkling that something was going on that he decided to dump me and walk away.

 

Up until that point, HIS life hadn't been upset or threatened by the A. When it was, couldn't seen him for dust!!

 

I also think she probably misses you. As you know yourself, the aftermath lingers for a long, long time no matter what.

 

I wouldn't have xMM if he became available now either. He's lethal and toxic and wouldn't fit into my life at all.

 

All we can do is keep moving further away from the past.

 

Cheers,

GG

[East7]

She's still reaching out because she's missing you.

 

 

I also think she probably misses you. As you know yourself, the aftermath lingers for a long, long time no matter what.

 

 

This is what she tells me over and over, each time she reaches out on me : she misses me. Is that supposed to make me happier ? What's the point at contacting someone you didn't chose as a partner to tell him you miss him. Ok thanks for letting me now how you feel, but what's the point? When I have tried to reason her this way, she is not able to give me an answer.

[anne1707]

This is what she tells me over and over, each time she reaches out on me : she misses me. Is that supposed to make me happier ? What's the point at contacting someone you didn't chose as a partner to tell him you miss him. Ok thanks for letting me now how you feel, but what's the point? When I have tried to reason her this way, she is not able to give me an answer.

 

She is not after making you feel happier. She is after her "fix" - she misses the buzz she got from your affair and, as has been said, her marriage has probably not improved hence her need for contact. This is all about her and what makes her feel good. She wants that power over you where she knows you are thinking of her, missing her, wanting her. There is no reasoning with her as she obviously cannot honestly tell you that she is just being selfish.

 

Stay strong East

[2sunny]

There's no making sense of it until you tell yourself that she's selfish... And ONLY thinking of herself!

 

IF she wanted to be with you - she would make sure it happened. But she hasn't.

 

She's baiting you - don't take her empty "hook"!

[East7]

A couple of days has passed since I had some short messages from xMW and I thought she was done.

 

Today I received an e-mail that melted my heart.

 

She was basically saying that I was the best thing ever happened in her life and she bitterly regrets her choice (her H). And she knows that it is too late for her but want me to know that she did really love me and still does.

 

Gosh ! And she is telling me this NOW !

 

I have a hard time to trust her again but now I tempt to think that she really stayed for her child and didn't want to ruin her family. I am not stupid, I haven't forgotten how she threw me under the bus 1.5 years ago when she finally chose her H.

 

But I feel so much fondness for her. I am sure she isn't happy. Why would she insist keeping some contact with me if she didn't really feel something genuine ? I haven't seen her in months.

 

Anyways I'm pretty clear about her and me. It won't change anything. I just feel sorry for us. I have been madly in love with this woman..Such a waste !

Edited January 12, 2012 by East7

[LadyGrey]

A couple of days has passed since I had some short messages from xMW and I thought she was done.

 

Since you haven't cut off her avenues to communicate with you, you shouldn't be surprised that the contact continues. I'm sure it gives her a power rush. Not cutting her off lets her know that you will still play the game and you still have feelings for her.

 

Today I received an e-mail that melted my heart.

 

Irregardless if her intent was evil or she care for you, she knew it would melt your heart.

 

She was basically saying that I was the best thing ever happened in her life and she bitterly regrets her choice (her H). And she knows that it is too late for her but want me to know that she did really love me and still does.

 

Do you really believe that or do you NEED to believe that? And what does it matter?? She made her choice, so it makes no difference now.

 

Gosh ! And she is telling me this NOW !

 

Because she wants to know that you still care about her, because she needs to feel like she has some power over you and she does. I don't know if the intent is evil or she is just messed up but what difference does it make about the intent?? It worked.

 

I have a hard time to trust her again but now I tempt to think that she really stayed for her child and didn't want to ruin her family. I am not stupid, I haven't forgotten how she threw me under the bus 1.5 years ago when she finally chose her H.

 

But I feel so much fondness for her. I am sure she isn't happy. Why would she insist keeping some contact with me if she didn't really feel something genuine ? I haven't seen her in months.

 

Same answers as I gave above.

 

Anyways I'm pretty clear about her and me. It won't change anything. I just feel sorry for us. I have been madly in love with this woman..Such a waste !

 

East......why are you allowing her to do this to you? What can it possibly accomplish? All it does is feed your need to believe she really cared and at the end of the day, it matters not that much, she is there, she made her choice. Are you going to let her drag you back into the crazy? I don't understand why you leave the door cracked, because by doing so you are inviting her to stick a knife in you over and over. Why? It's on you, not her. You've got to be the bigger person here or are you going to keep spinning your wheels? It won't stop until you make it stop.

[Heather1]

Oh East.....from a MW POV who can't leave her M because of kids & finances, if she could leave she would. It's not about the love someone feels for someone else, it's the collateral damage to leave her H & would you accept the fallout, being a step parent, accept her whole package or just her excluding all else.

 

Maybe it is a manipulative manuever? But sometimes people love each other & can't make it to the light of day. The other stuff we deal w/ is really just grieving a loss.

[2sunny]

She's showing evidence that she's a liar.

 

IF she intended to be with you - she WOULD be with you! But she hasn't/isn't!

 

Did you notice that she didn't offer YOU one thing? She never stated she was divorcing...

 

I'd forward that email straight to her husband ASAP!

 

HE has a right to know that her betrayal continues!

 

Then BLOCK HER!

 

She knows you will never move on (forward) as long as she keeps baiting you this way. Tell her to stop it - she's offered you no change.

 

Selfish woman!

[Spark1111]

East......why are you allowing her to do this to you? What can it possibly accomplish? All it does is feed your need to believe she really cared and at the end of the day, it matters not that much, she is there, she made her choice. Are you going to let her drag you back into the crazy? I don't understand why you leave the door cracked, because by doing so you are inviting her to stick a knife in you over and over. Why? It's on you, not her. You've got to be the bigger person here or are you going to keep spinning your wheels? It won't stop until you make it stop.

 

I'm with Lady Grey, East!

 

It is such an easy thing to say.....after an argument....when you did not get a nanosecond of closure.....where she blamed you for abandoning her (while she stayed with her H! Translation: Be my AP forever, take less and be happy about it.) You argued. You were strong and somewhat aloof and indifferent after all that NC....

 

So here is tactic two: I will always love you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me...(sigh) and away you melt.

 

Right back where you were. IF you do not establish permanent, final and total NC, you are right back where you started. In fact, you are. Right where she wants you, pining away for a woman you cannot have.

 

As long as she has you where she wants you, you will not open your heart fully to another.

 

And maybe that is what she really wants: all that tragic, romantic unrequieted love from you...forever....so no one else can truly have you either. She senses you slipping away and moving on. Time for her to pull out all the stops.

 

Yes, selfish, selfish woman.

 

She is bored. Twisting you has become her game of sport.

 

Why, oh why, do you continue to allow it?

[MissBee]

Thats because you don't want him to go away. Sure, I agree, ignoring won't always work.

 

What will work is telling them to F off and never contact you again, change emails, put blocks on, etc.

 

There is a reason he isn't going away, because you don't want him to.

 

I agree nofool.

 

Unless someone is mentally unstable, most people if you NEVER respond to them, they eventually stop. And even if they don't...I'd just block them and carry on with my life so their emails can go into thin air. If they continue emailing until they die when they're blocked, that's their business as I won't know.

 

Reminds me of another poster who said NC didn't work but right after she explains how she would still talk to the person or her version of NC included periodic contact....you cannot call that NC...that's LC (limited contact). The thread is not about confusedinkansas....but her situation speaks to what I told East...which was the simple fact that someone reaches out because they believe you will answer...and you do.So if it is that they want validation, are lonely etc...they contact you to alleviate it.

 

You cannot respond then keep asking why they still contact you. You both perpetuate it at that point. The truth also is that YOU have to like it on some level and find it validating too so fuel it by responding or dissecting it. As when you don't care you delete or block and move on. So being truthful with yourself about why you even care or choose not to block or ignore is necessary.

Edited January 13, 2012 by MissBee

[Gotti25]

I wasnt sure weather to reply to this or not but your MW is playing you

[East7]

Thank you to all for your answers.

 

Again, I had some very good points (Especially Spark and MissBee).

 

2Sunny you are spot on. Reality check.

 

I think that a part of us, single APs, who have emotionally suffered from the A want to hear words we always wanted to hear. Sure they come too late and they are not going to change anything but yet it feels good to know that they -MPs - somehow loved you and grieved the loss as much as you did.

 

Spark you are so right about her kind of "keeping my heart in hostage". I feel that as long as I communicate with her I won't be able to fully open my heart to someone else.

 

I am seeing someone and I really feel this is damaging my relationship as I don't focus my emotions and attention to my girlfriend as long as my MW stirs up my old feelings. I am upset with myself being so tolerant and letting xMW make these incursions in my life, I know that somehow she wants me to belong to her forever.. Yes 2sunny, selfish ! so selfish !

Edited January 13, 2012 by East7

[whichwayisup]

Hmm, my earlier reply a few days ago now should be re-read!

 

I am seeing someone and I really feel this is damaging my relationship as I don't focus my emotions and attention to my girlfriend as long as my MW stirs up my old feelings. I am upset with myself being so tolerant and letting xMW make these incursions in my life, I know that somehow she wants me to belong to her forever.. Yes 2sunny, selfish ! so selfish !

 

Now you see the damage that's being done by allowing exMW back into your life by reading and replying to her emails/texts. Yes, you are a nice guy with a big heart and don't like hurting people, let alone a woman, but you are hurting your gf more than you realize though she isn't aware of it.. Yet.. Your priority should be your girlfriend, not your exMW. Why are you so weary and on egg shells about telling exMW to leave you alone, be firm and tough about it? You don't have to be mean or cruel to you, just CLEAR and precise!

 

It's time to change your email address and block her from your cell. or change your number too.

 

You know what's what here and you know what you have to do.

[weedsandposies]

I believe she's 1 and 3...but I have to agree with TC on this one...in bold. Sad that she keeps reaching out. See the problem is the BS doesn't have a clue. My xMW knew if she reached out in any way...I would contact her H. 3 years ago I knocked on her home door. YOU really can stop this....it's very simple. Tell her and mean it that if she continues to bother you will contact her H if she doesn't stop.

 

This is exactly why affairs shouldn't involve single people. It's best when both people have something to lose.

[Thunderbolt]

I just want to say that I can completely understand everyone's opinions on East's xMW. I get it, she's selfish and most likely wants East to somehow always be in her power -- even if she has no intention of leaving her H.

 

I was with my xMM a long time. He has children. He left his marriage for a while to be with me. It was a complete failure on both ends. He moved back a few months later. It's been two years since this happened. Most recently, we've been NC for 8 months. I recently heard from him.

 

Everyone seems so black and white when it comes down to a MM or MW leaving their families -- "If they truly wanted to be with you, they would." True. But, how fair is it to put your children through such an emotional situation. I don't have children, and I get this concept. My own father left my mom for another woman he never ended up with long term. It f'd everything up for a lot of people...to this day. It was selfish. Don't have children if you don't intend to be there for them through all of life's trials and tribulations.

 

It took a while to understand xMM's point of view, but I get it. Maybe he's living every day in total bliss with his W and it has nothing to do with leaving his children. Maybe I'm the one who is delusional, thinking that what xMM and I had was really something special. But, the fact that he still communicates with me years after **** hit the fan and a significant amount of time NC leads me to believe that something is missing in his life. Maybe it has nothing to do with his W and kids, I have no idea. All I'm sayin' is that until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you really have no idea how hard it is to leave a marriage with children involved. I personally don't know how hard it is, but if I had to guess, I don't think it would be something I'd want to do.

 

Why do so many people say that if a MW or MM really wanted to be with you, they would? Then, if they do end up leaving, they are the scum of the earth because they left behind a W and children.

 

East, I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm finally dating someone I'm really starting to have feelings for. Of course, this is when xMM decides to pop back into the picture. You mentioned currently being involved with someone. If you really like her, think about her whenever xMW pulls at your heartstrings. This is what I'm doing and it seems to help for now. Like you, even if xMM told me we could be together starting this moment on, I know we could never make it. We failed so many times in the past. We had opportunities handed to us on a silver platter and we still found a way to F it up. To this day, I love him deeper than any man I've ever met, but we're not meant for each other. Tough pill to swallow, but he's married and his children should not suffer because of his needs. I'm so thankful I've never had to choose between my children (I don't have any) and an affair parter.

 

Again, probably delusional, but I know that what xMM and I had does not come along every day. It was a rather significant connection. I also realize that what we had is most likely not sustainable. It was something surreal and not representative of what a normal relationship should be. That is why relationships like this stick with us for so long. They are a fairy tale. It's tough to purge this out of our systems because we've never felt anything so good. We then compare it to real time relationships and think that nothing compares. Nothing does compare, because real life does not compare to affair land. Everything is perfect and feels so good there. We always long for it. Even after the A is long over. It's something we just have to tuck into the back of our minds and hope that one day the longing will disappear.

 

Sorry for the rant. I've tried to keep a low profile here, but this topic just kind of hit home. Hope you can appreciate my point of view. I'm sure there will be backlash

[MissBee]

Hi Thunderbolt,

 

I understand what you're saying. I think that people make black and white seem like a bad thing, but in truth sometimes we need to break things down to their smallest part. Take away all the extra and fluff and see what the REAL issue/conclusion is.

 

An article I read said it best:

“The topline data in relationships are the key overall ‘symptoms’ of your situation. Many of us get lost in the details, investigating the other persons problems, looking for understanding of why every last little thing is happening and rationalising the situation by finding even the smallest of anomalies to justify why our situation is different, why the person is an exception to the rule etc.”

Often, when you’re drowning in the detail and you keep bringing up certain points about their behaviour, you’re actually inadvertently supporting the topline information about your relationship.

 

Last year I wrote about whether you can elevator pitch your relationship issues – can you take a story that you might spend hours telling and get down to the core problem and explain it in 30 seconds to a minute? It helps you drop all of the excuses and denial so that you can focus and stem the distraction.

 

That elevator pitch idea is so useful! What is the bottom line of the scenario?

 

I am not arguing that leaving a marriage is easy...loads of choices we have to make in life are difficult....but we make them or not. Let us not forget that most of us know people in blended families or with divorced parents etc. so know for a fact that people leave...if they want to. I think you may have a problem with that sentence, about wanting to, as it sounds easy...it's not easy...but it comes down to what choice this person chose to make.

 

My question is: if they chose their family (and I am not arguing about whether or not it was a good/easy/hard choice...but it is the reality that they chose them), then what more is to be said? Does it matter that they may secretly love you?

 

IMO....if it was "meant to be" then your MP would be among the number who choose the route of divorce. If they don't choose that then it is not meant to be. I do get the comfort that comes from feeling like they loved you but it couldn't work out...but after that one has to move forward and realize that love is an action and not just a secret feeling while they are with their family. So thank them for the love but realize you cannot be the priority and it can never be what you want, so how they "feel" doesn't matter and you need someone who can feel and show you love and prioritize you.

Edited January 14, 2012 by MissBee

[So_Overit]

East,

I would say No. 1 and No. 3.

 

She is toying with you... it makes her feel powerful and desireable etc. to contact you and THEN you reply. DANG, please don't do it again. Just feeding the monster (by that I mean ego).

 

She is finally saying nice things... and a little part of you hopes that it will turn into what you wanted at one point in your life. I sense this xMW is manipulative. You don't need it. Don't let her take up space in your head & heart again. You are better and you deserve more than that. ((hug))

 

@Thunderbolt...been there and now I'm over it, etc... like a drug that captivates you. But is is not real, and when you come to the point in your head and heart that you understand it was all a fantasy, I mean understand at gut level, then you will finally be able to move on. ((hug)) Intensity like that can't be maintained on a daily basis... IMHO.

[LadyGrey]

East, let's just pretend for a moment, OK.

 

Let's say that you and your mw were together, lets say that she left her marriage pretty quickly after her affair started. Let's say you two hit a rough spot. Let's say she starting confiding in her now x husband about your and her problems. You discovered this by accident. Wouldn't you feel betrayed and disrespected? Wouldn't you feel that a former lover/spouse should be the last person that she should be confiding in about your problems?

 

Put yourself in her husbands shoes. This woman is not honorable nor trustworthy and she continues to prove it. She has done nothing to change anything. She plays a victim, poor, poor me, I have to stay in the marriage because of my child. It's BS East, all BS! She is broken, that is why she had an affair, it's not some cosmic connection with you, she is just simply broken.

Edited January 14, 2012 by LadyGrey