Thunderbolt Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Miss Bee -- I like your words and agree with you. I was playing the devil's advocate a bit earlier. I dig your posts and read more than I reply. Agreed that some choices in life are tough to make. I've heard and know of a lot of blended families that have thrived and even been better off. Without getting too off topic -- I don't think it's right to leave a marriage that is "okay" for something that's better. There's always going to be something that's better. If a marriage was doing fine before another person came along, it's not right to jump ship for a better opportunity. If you'd never met that person, you'd never know that your relationship was in trouble. That's kind of what happened to me. xMM was fine with his M until I came along. If the roles were reversed, I'd be incomprehensibly hurt for an indefinite amount of time. I agree that if a M is really toxic, then it's time to move on -- but if it's "working" then it's not fair to dump you sig other for someone better. SoOverit -- so agreeable that it's a drug that captivates you. Sad, but true. Maybe I'm not at the gut level, like you describe. Everything you write is true. Tough to differentiate between the gut, heart and head level. My brain knows what's best, but my heart just can't figure it out. Sorry East, I've been dumping on your thread. I'll zip it for a while Thanks for the good topic -- needed to get some stuff out of my soul. Lady Grey -- can't emphasize how much I agree with what you've said above. Like I said...the heart and mind are never on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author East7 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Sorry for the rant. I've tried to keep a low profile here, but this topic just kind of hit home. Hope you can appreciate my point of view. I'm sure there will be backlash Thounderbold I understand you completely. I am nice and tolerant with her because I don't know how to be harsh and a jerk with any woman, let alone a woman I loved. There are many variables I can't write in a public board but I acknowledge she had some good reasons not to leave her family. At the end she traded in "her love" or whatever she felt for me, for her comfort and security. I realized that her H was a default easy choice and the only way to keep her life from scattering. That's why she isn't happy and pining after me. But on the other side it means that she made a selfish choice that she has not the character strength to own. She didn't defend my best interest or the interests of what could be "us together" but HER own interest. Hi Thunderbolt, My question is: if they chose their family (and I am not arguing about whether or not it was a good/easy/hard choice...but it is the reality that they chose them), then what more is to be said? Does it matter that they may secretly love you? IMO....if it was "meant to be" then your MP would be among the number who choose the route of divorce. If they don't choose that then it is not meant to be. I do get the comfort that comes from feeling like they loved you but it couldn't work out...but after that one has to move forward and realize that love is an action and not just a secret feeling while they are with their family. So thank them for the love but realize you cannot be the priority and it can never be what you want, so how they "feel" doesn't matter and you need someone who can feel and show you love and prioritize you. This is a very eloquent and good post Thanks MissBee East, let's just pretend for a moment, OK. Let's say that you and your mw were together, lets say that she left her marriage pretty quickly after her affair started. Let's say you two hit a rough spot. Let's say she starting confiding in her now x husband about your and her problems. You discovered this by accident. Wouldn't you feel betrayed and disrespected? Wouldn't you feel that a former lover/spouse should be the last person that she should be confiding in about your problems? Put yourself in her husbands shoes. This woman is not honorable nor trustworthy and she continues to prove it. She has done nothing to change anything. She plays a victim, poor, poor me, I have to stay in the marriage because of my child. It's BS East, all BS! She is broken, that is why she had an affair, it's not some cosmic connection with you, she is just simply broken. That's completely true. She plays the victim. If I summarize her statements it boils down to something like : I am sorry you never realized how much I love you and the unhappiness I'm leaving for the sake of my child. You know why I think, maybe, I dodged a bullet ? Because if she was with me now, who was to guarantee me that, as soon as we were in a low point of our hardly won relationship, she wouldn't contact her xH and tell him that she regrets him and the family they had together Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 East, Exactly! It's all about how a person handles the problems/low spots in their lives.(single or married) If a MM/MW doesn't do the hard work of figuring out why they run from all their troubles, it will never work out with anybody. They need to learn new healthy coping methods before they involve other people in their mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 OK...so, East...what's different today from last week when you posted your update? What have you changed, what are you doing/going to do differently as a result of the insight you've gained from the advice by these other posters? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am nice and tolerant with her because I don't know how to be harsh and a jerk with any woman, let alone a woman I loved. The thing that you don't realize is, you don't have to be a jerk or harsh with her. You can still be short, sweet and to the point though 'firm' in a respectful way and(meaning setting boundries) subtely so she gets it. "You chose your husband and family over us. Which means that you and I can't be friends or be in eachothers lives. I really need to you respect that and please honour my decision which is to not to keep contacting me. I wish you the best in life - Please focus on yourself, your husband and children. Take care and goodbye." Or something along those lines. The problem is East, I don't think you want to say goodbye to her forever because you still get 'something' out of it when she contacts you, months or a year later. Whether it be an ego feed, a heart flutter, to know that she still cares/wants you .. At the end of the day, the truth of it is, she's still VERY married and has no plans on changing that .. And you are involved with someone, in a relationship, trying to go on with your life... So, what is the point of having someone from your past contact you on occasion? You two are NOT friends, not in eachothers daily lives anymore.. No good can come of this, and I think you see this now , especially since she's on your mind again and brought back some feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 This is exactly why affairs shouldn't involve single people. It's best when both people have something to lose. uh, ok:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author East7 Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 OK...so, East...what's different today from last week when you posted your update? What have you changed, what are you doing/going to do differently as a result of the insight you've gained from the advice by these other posters? The thing that you don't realize is, you don't have to be a jerk or harsh with her. You can still be short, sweet and to the point though 'firm' in a respectful way and(meaning setting boundries) subtely so she gets it. "You chose your husband and family over us. Which means that you and I can't be friends or be in eachothers lives. I really need to you respect that and please honour my decision which is to not to keep contacting me. I wish you the best in life - Please focus on yourself, your husband and children. Take care and goodbye." Or something along those lines. The problem is East, I don't think you want to say goodbye to her forever because you still get 'something' out of it when she contacts you, months or a year later. Whether it be an ego feed, a heart flutter, to know that she still cares/wants you .. At the end of the day, the truth of it is, she's still VERY married and has no plans on changing that .. And you are involved with someone, in a relationship, trying to go on with your life... So, what is the point of having someone from your past contact you on occasion? You two are NOT friends, not in eachothers daily lives anymore.. No good can come of this, and I think you see this now , especially since she's on your mind again and brought back some feelings. There has been some kind of escalation. She told me she has been spending sleepless nights since she resumed contact and she realizes how much she misses me in her life. I told her some really short answers that were conclusions I got from the thread (but not only). We had a dozen of e-mails back and forth until I got really tired and I ended blocking her. Then with my "kindness" I wrote her a long message telling her that I genuinely loved her but I can't let her come back and forth in my life wherever she decides to. She made her choice and she needs to stick with it. I am glad I could do this in a good, classy manner. I have spend a lot of time hating her but now I feel a lot of fondness for her, not love, just fondness. I hope that she can fix herself and learn to live a peaceful, good life with her H. I don't resent her anymore. One of my biggest lesson after the A is "Our happiness is our biggest revenge" and I am in a better place and I don't waste my time thinking what my xMW is doing or how her M is going. What I am concerned about is that somehow having her contacting me was like the addiction coming back. I realized my own weakness. I just couldn't ignore her. I guess, there is still a (small) weak part of me that enjoys her love and attention. This kind of situation when MP comes back and fills you with "undying love" is very hard to handle, it rekindles all your buried feelings and worse it makes you wonder "Does she really loves me so much or it's all fake? ". I am not a fool though, it is dead, gone forever.. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 East Your lucky I don't know where you live....I would have drove over and slapped some sense into you. OMG if my xMW contacted me...I'd honestly would be laughing...do you think your xMW has learned her lesson? What you have to get is....she just delivers WORDS and that's it. No action on her part....she's just playing on your nice and caring personality. How many times does this make it that you've asked her to leave you alone? Where is the respect here? Link to post Share on other sites
jennymore Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 HI, East I feel for you. Your story has helped my own reflection! This is not an easy thing to do as we have feelings but you are a step forward after you block her and give her a clear sign. In the long run, what you are doing now is good for both you and XMW. Thanks for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
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