Internal struggles of love and hate.

[ZimboGon]

2 months since the break up, about 6 weeks of no contact. I have to say, my emotional stance has shifted dramatically. I am more or less just thinking aloud, logging my thoughts. I will probably keep this up to date on how i feel periodically.

 

At first, i was heartbroken. She left me for someone else, worse than me in-fact. There was nothing i could do, i tried for 3 solid weeks trying to pull her back in when i knew she had developed feelings for him. She kept lying to me, telling me she cared and loved me and she was done with him, until one day she left me for him. I felt terrible. My motivation in life was gone, my ambition, everything. She kept leading me on, and I felt she could come back any second, until i walked in on them together, and they started dating officially.

 

Word spread between our mutual friends. She had started lying about our relationship, painting me the bad guy so she could live with her decision. At this point, i wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I felt anger. I was annoyed at how immature she was. How she could throw everything away so easily. How she could paint herself as such an insensitive person. Then... I blocked her from my life.

 

My confidence increased ten-fold. I realized in a way, i was better. I didn't need to rely on a relationship. I didn't need to lie to anyone about what happened. She and i shared some fond memories, and now she's stuck with this new guy who i hear NOTHING but terrible things. She's been trying so hard to change herself. But, i have come into my own. I've changed my styled, toned my body, developed a more edgy look for myself.

 

But, throughout all this i still have a strong belief she will come back. We did love each other, and we had a great relationship that fell apart due to several different reasons, and instead of working them out with me, she make a rash decision and left me for this guy who was obsessed with her.

 

At first, i felt i would welcome her back with open arms. I would comfort her, i would tell her its okay, i understand why you did it and we can be together again. I do understand why it happened. I accepted our relationships demise, but that doesn't mean it has to be the end forever.

 

But lately, i feel my head has gotten so big. I feel so good about myself, so cocky about how well my life has been going. When she lied to me, i became needy and clingy and so afraid of losing her, i threw away my dignity and pride doing anything i could for her. It was pathetic.

 

Currently, i'm struggling between what i want. If she comes back, a part of me almost wants to break her down for what she did to me. Put her in my shoes, to experience the pain and sorrow and embarrassment i went through. It wasn't fair, after i did everything i possibly could for her. Another part, of course is that warm part of me that reflects on the moments we had together. Some of the best experiences i've had in my life, where i want to protect her and love her and just make her happy.

 

Its so silly of me to think about all this regardless, she's busy in the arms of another guy. A guy without a spine who manipulated everyone to get with a girl who already had a boyfriend. A guy with no self-esteem, and emotional issues. A guy who cheated on his last girlfriend.

 

I feel like everyday is a waiting game... honestly. I feel like she will come back, i do. If anything we had meant anything, she should. The break-up was a trainwreck because of so many conflicting feelings and events between everyone. It wasn't one of those, i don't love you anymore break-ups.

 

But, if ever given the opportunity, what will i do?

Edited January 3, 2012 by ZimboGon

[betterdeal]

If I was a betting man, I'd put money on this: if when she approaches you again, you'll not want her back.

 

Regards reconciliation, it can be cathartic and take a weight off your shoulders. It doesn't have to mean getting back together; it can be putting the past behind you and being friendly to one another, after the dust has settled. It's about making peace. It all depends on the type of person you are.

 

Keep on writing and letting it out. You'll be bigger, stronger, more whole because of this

[Exit]

I'm in a similar situation as you are, partially expecting that some how, some day, she'll probably reach out to me, once she realizes what she threw away, but also like you, feeling foolish that I sit around almost expecting this to happen and trying to decide how I'll react to it, when in reality, it may never happen.

 

When we are hurting we occupy our minds with obsessive thoughts like this. Trying to make a decision that doesn't need to be made yet, if ever. There'd be no point trying to figure out what your response would be right now, because it's not happening right now. You could decide "I'd blow her off, or get revenge on her", or "I'd be the bigger person and welcome her back with open arms", but if the day eventually comes, you won't care what you thought you had decided weeks ago, you'll end up making a decision based on how you feel in that moment.

 

You already recognize that this may potentially never happen, so do your best to limit your time fantasizing about it and thinking about what your response would be.

 

Try to take whatever comfort you can from the fact that she's with a loser now, other people apparently even talk about him in a negative way, focus on that rebuilt confidence you say you've started to feel. Just be a better person. People who do stuff like this lack integrity, an almost forgotten trait in our society. People have become so selfish, seeking instant gratification, wanting to do whatever they want with no regard for how it affects those closest to them, that represents a total loss of integrity and dignity. Try to look at it from that perspective and some day you may realize she isn't even worth the energy of thinking about her.

 

I'm trying to get to that point myself. It's sad/crazy to say that the girl I miss probably ranks among the lowest in terms of the people I've known and what their morals are. She is one of the biggest liars I've ever know, she has no loyalty or respect, yet I'm still in love with some version of her that I miss.

 

These people really suck and we should want better for ourselves, but I know it's hard. We are just more loving and caring than these other people, even when our partners are flawed and could use some improvement, we love unconditionally, we want to believe in them and believe that somewhere deep down, they know right from wrong. But the reality is, sometimes they don't. Sometimes we are totally imagining someone who isn't really there.

 

I hope you can keep working on your confidence and maybe even get to the point where this girl will mean nothing to you some day. I know the "waiting game" feeling sucks when you're pretty sure you'll hear from someone again, but you have no idea when. When you do hear from her, there's a good chance it'll be because she's having relationship problems with the new guy, and she wants you to comfort her, or she'll come around seeking a release for some of her guilt, she'll say she feels terrible about what she did and she'll feel so great if you allow yourself to say "it's ok, I understand, you're not a bad person".

 

Try to do your best to live your life assuming that this contact will never happen, because there's a good chance it might not. Even if she realizes she made a huge mistake, people have stubborn pride and a complete refusal to admit how terrible of a person they are, so they may just push it out of their mind and never talk to you again.

 

Good luck, keep on going with your progress, you're doing good and it inspires me, I'm on a journey to become the best version of myself that I've ever been.