Egojoe......

[smokey bear]

And all I am saying is if you're going to quote numbers, be prepared to back them up with sources.

 

 

 

And I'll check what sources they used as well

 

 

 

So are you saying you had GIGS?

 

Yes.

 

 

If so, I attribute the word GIGS to IMMATURITY and that's OK as well.

 

Ok so your agreeing that the word and meaning of Gigs is immaturity?

 

But I'm already tired of seeing that word being spread around like crazy

 

Its just quicker and easier than writting Immaturity.

 

to make every excuse in the book why people are dumped and I just don't believe that is the case for a signficiant population of couples that split.

 

Agreed it is used for a lot of cases that are not related. Mine is so id appreciate it and others prob would too if you stopped harping on. Its not your place to decide if it is gigs especially if you havent experienced it.

 

 

Immaturity causes breakups, but being IN LOVE will prevent them.

 

And that is why I keep saying that if someone is truly IN LOVE with you, they will NOT leave you.

 

I am 100% truly in love with my ex and always have been since i was 18. Immaturity is why i left. You said in the sentence above you attribute the word gigs to immaturity.

 

 

 

I'm the last person on the planet concerned about what others think of me. The only person I care about their feelings for me is God and myself.

 

Cheers.

 

 

Caliguy you have talked so much that you actually contradict yourself now and i dont even know what the purpose of all your posting was for because it seems we are in agreement (at this moment)

See above for agreement

but at that start of this post you quoted

"grass is greener syndrome" -- that is everyone who breaks up only does it because they feel they can do better or have someone else who is better. Not true. If people leave you its almost always because they are no longer IN LOVE with you anymore.

 

The people you are argueing with do not state this is gigs, ill quote my understanding of it and what most others do

 

 

"Gigs is the process of Maturing mentally and emotionally through experiences"

 

So its posts of apon posts that can be avoided cause you dont actually absorb what people are saying.

 

 

"If people leave you its almost always because they are no longer IN LOVE with you anymore."

 

I was in love with my ex when i left with gigs, i left because i was immatuer.

 

 

 

 

I cant really say anything else cause it seems its not me your argueing with but really its yourself.

[2sunny]

Smokey -

 

When you left - and you still loved him - were you thinking "maybe I can find someone who offers me more?"

 

I'm just trying to understand why you would leave. Or did he do something that changed it all for you? Or did you meet someone who made you wonder if it was right to be with him?

 

Just looking for insight - to understand...

[smokey bear]

Smokey -

 

When you left - and you still loved him - were you thinking "maybe I can find someone who offers me more?"

 

I'm just trying to understand why you would leave. Or did he do something that changed it all for you? Or did you meet someone who made you wonder if it was right to be with him?

 

Just looking for insight - to understand...

 

 

Sunny, im still working through my gigs, im still trying to piece it together, the reason i left, because you fall into a fairy world where you dont see things for what they truly are.

 

Ive still to work out the true reason why i left and ill get back to you when i do.

 

I was still very much in love with my ex, i was frantically trying for kids the month before i left.

[2sunny]

Can you describe what the fairy world looks like for you?

 

Can you describe the reality world and what that looks like for you?

 

How old are the kids?

[smokey bear]

Can you describe what the fairy world looks like for you?

 

Can you describe the reality world and what that looks like for you?

 

How old are the kids?

 

 

Lol we were trying to concieve, we dont have any kids.

 

The fairy world where you think that you dont have to pay bills, you'll get them eventually or they will go away. You can act and do what you want, you can treat others in any way and you still xpect them to be there or you just care. You do things you would never have done before that cross your moral bounderies or believes.

 

The real world, that actions have consequences, you have to pay your bills etc but if you let them lie you mount up a sever problem.

 

People dont think your the best thing since sliced bread even though you think you are.

 

Through gigs i didnt really think id changed but talking to my family and friends i changed severly, to a point that they say to me now, you were a complete different person for 2 years.

[CaliGuy]

I cant really say anything else cause it seems its not me your argueing with but really its yourself.

 

I think you've missed the entire point of my posts. It has nothing to do with you as a person but the general and loose term of GIGS as a blanket for a multitude of relationship breakups.

 

Just call it immaturity and you'll find more people seriously listening to your posts.

 

And if you've read any of my posts on No Contact and Second Chances you'll see I'm speaking from far more experience than you realize.

[CaliGuy]

I cant really say anything else cause it seems its not me your argueing with but really its yourself.

 

I think you've missed the entire point of my posts. It has nothing to do with you as a person but the general and loose term of GIGS as a blanket for a multitude of relationship breakups.

 

Just call it immaturity and you'll find more people seriously listening to your posts.

 

And if you've read any of my posts on No Contact and Second Chances you'll see I'm speaking from far more experience than you realize.

[2sunny]

I see how you were living in fantasy land.

 

Yes, paying bills is a way of life... Ongoing responsibility.

 

And the way I participate DOES affect me and others. I always give this consideration no matter where I am - even at the market - I like to think I'm the gal that takes the cart back.

 

I also look at harms done - is there potential harm to myself or anyone else with the way I'm participating? Is my action balanced? Are my words kind and loving? Is there ways I can participate to bring a positive outcome?

 

Those are the things I ask myself constantly as I go through any day. How can I be helpful to others?

 

This is the way I get balanced and happy each day.

 

This is the way I attract like/positive energy around me every day.

 

I come here because several years ago - life was very difficult for me... And others here helped me when I needed help. I like to think maybe, at times, I can help someone else too...

 

I hope you can find a way that works for you!

[gibson]

Just call it immaturity and you'll find more people seriously listening to your posts.

 

And if you've read any of my posts on No Contact and Second Chances you'll see I'm speaking from far more experience than you realize.

 

Seriously? Now we are going to be condescending?

 

I am older than you and have just as much if not more life experience than you do and even I call kids (18 - 25 year olds) who end long term relationships to go have the "college experience" or to see what is out there or to focus / start their career or to go live it up or to sot their oats or go party or whatever "phase" most kids do during that age GIGS.

 

I have no idea why the term GIGS gets your panties all in a wad. Most people in their late twenties (younger than you) who went through that "phase" or had many of their friends or Exes go through that "phase" get what we are talking about.

 

While we are at it, I need your help with a situation. I am very confused and need your help with an Ex of mine.

 

Dec. 2009 - My Ex (22 years old) after 3 years together sits me down and explains to me that she thinks it's best that we break up because she has some things she would like to do, see and accomplish on her own outside of a relationship.

 

She said she wanted to live on her own, focus on her career, travel, make new friends, be single, live it up, etc.

 

Considering I also felt and did this when I was her age... I understood. She was doing what was best for her. Since I loved her and wanted the best for her, I agreed and supported her in her decision and we mutually broke up. She started looking for a place to live. No fuss, no drama, no fighting, etc.

 

Feb. 2010 - She moves out and we "officially" break up. No fuss, no drama, no fighting, etc.

 

I go NC until I am healed and moved on (about 8 months to a year) and NIC after that.

 

Since the break up she has contacted every 3 or 4 months and we talk, catch up and she even suggest getting back together several times (I didn't try because I knew she wasn't ready). She was always respectful, kind and considerate, etc. No harm, no foul.

 

Dec. 2012 - She calls me up, tells me she misses me and wants to get back together. We meet up and spend 3 days together and after discussing things I decide that she still has some things she needs to do, resolve and get straight before I am willing to consider a reconciliation with her.

 

Let's see... She got her own place. She traveled all over Europe, many places here in the USA. She switched jobs and started a business. She made many new friends. She tried many new hobbies. She went parachuting. She partied. She lived it up. She dated around. I could go on and on about the things she set out to do and accomplished.

 

I think my was mature for realizing this is what she wanted / needed to do, for sitting me down and letting me know, for breaking up, for going out there and doing exactly what she said she was going to do.

 

This is why I say wait until you're in your late 20s or early 30s to get married. GIGS is such a psycho-babble term. Every young person has to experience life. Labeling as it's a syndrome is not exactly intellectually noted with psychologist (such as narcissism for example.

 

Wait... What?

 

Now I am all confused...

 

Is my Ex mature for doing what she thought, felt and believed was best for her or is she "immature" for doing that?

 

Since she followed your own advice and wanted to experience life outside of a committed relationship in her early 20's does that make her mature or is that "immature"?

 

Since she is following your own advice above and waiting till she is in her late 20's before entering into marriage is that mature or is she being "immature"?

 

If you ask me, my term GIGS better describes what my Ex did than your term "immaturity".

 

She sent me an email tonight letting me know that she missed me, missed us, where she is at on the things she needed to work on and within the email even said... "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Grass Is Not Greener." Since she used the offensive GIGS term, I probably shouldn't consider taking her back, right?

Edited January 10, 2012 by gibson

[betterdeal]

How about agreeing to "have a break"?

How does that sound?

[gibson]

How about agreeing to "have a break"?

How does that sound?

 

Nice one...

 

Caliguy's going to have a conniption fit and probably loose his mind when he reads this. If he ends up in a rubber room wearing a straight jacket, it's all your fault.

 

What do we all get to look forward too now?

 

Probably 20+ pages of Caliguy and a couple others going back and forth arguing about what we call the "phase" that most KIDS (18 - 25 year olds) go through.

 

Let's just ignore the fact that most GIGS (or Caliguy's term "immature") dumpers and dumpees are usually KIDS... Which means, they get over it eventually, they are going to date around, enter into several other long term relationships, break hearts and have their hearts broken several more times before meeting the person they ultimately marry.

 

So Caliguy is it really that important that we call it "immaturity" instead of GIGS?

Edited January 10, 2012 by gibson

[LelouchIsZero]

I find the term "GIGS" to be quite vague & I honestly don't see why anyone would attempt to "study" it. Arguing about the semantics of things seems quite petty, too.

 

Work on your own lives & stop worrying about such pointless & time consuming things.

 

Caliguy, I can understand what you're trying to do & I honestly agree with most of the things you've stated, though most people on here are quite stubborn (myself included!) & tend to need a crutch (myself not included!).

On a side note, I enjoyed the thread you made recently, I really did.

 

I stopped posting on LS due to the constant amount of bickering & stupid threads. If its not GIGS being mentioned, its karma & that's honestly too much of a headache to deal with.

 

- Lelouch

[betterdeal]

I agree with the essence of what CaliGuy is saying, which I take to be, get over it, you cannot predict the future with certainty and as long as your main focus point is someone else's love life, you're squandering yours. GIGS, immaturity, cowardice, BPD, unhealthy, these are all labels that get bandied around from time to time. The label doesn't matter.

 

I know couples who have reunited and gone on to have children; and couples who haven't; some never speak to one another; others have been on each other's respective new other halves' stag and hen dos.

 

As I see it, if you still have a softspot for someone after a break up, getting over the break up and living your life the best you can is more likely to result in a successful reunion if you do meet again. And if you don't have a softspot for your former lover getting over the break up and living your life the best you can is more likely to result in a successful union with someone else. And if you don't ever want to date ever again, again get over the break up and enjoy life.

 

In short, whatever your intentions, getting over the upset and enjoying what you do have and not living your life vicariously through your former lover's love life is the best path. The life you have, you have once. This is a one way ticket.

Edited January 10, 2012 by betterdeal

[wilsonx]

I agree with the essence of what CaliGuy is saying, which I take to be, get over it, you cannot predict the future with certainty and as long as your main focus point is someone else's love life, you're squandering yours. GIGS, immaturity, cowardice, BPD, unhealthy, these are all labels that get bandied around from time to time. The label doesn't matter.

 

 

Yes we can agree with what he's saying but at the same time when people ask questions and want to wait and see, its not wrong for them to do so. Its their life choice to make. No one can tell them with absolute certainty what is right and what is wrong. Love itself is not black and white. This is why black and white thinking is wrong. They have to learn what the best decision for them to do is. If they have to jump off a cliff 2 or 3 times to learn it, then trust me they will learn it.

 

That comes with understanding. For those of you that dont understand, then the problem is yours not theirs. We cant tell someone, they are absolutely wrong with waiting around or being a relationship jumper. It shouldnt even affect us as posters on this forum because its not us. We can give advice or our opinion but then its their choice to make and we just have to let it go.

Edited January 10, 2012 by wilsonx

[Kamila]

You can still be 'in love' with someone and break-up with them.

 

You just have to kill your heart in the process.

 

You break-up with them because they don't want you right now in their lives.

 

If you love someone, you let them go ... It could be that I was not 'in love' anymore.

But thinking about my ex everyday makes me believe I still have strong feelings for him. Being in love = butterflies

 

To answer the OP's question:

 

Hav you went through GIGS yourself, if so can you give me an account of your experience.

 

----> No, I did not experience GIGS.

 

Have you had an ex back from GIGS, if so can you give me an account of your experience.

 

-----> While my partner and I were dating, there was some theoretical GIGS. I knew he was checking out other girls for over a year.

He was looking for something, but he didn't act on it. Countless of times he said I was the one, but something was off.

It was like he was pleasing me and not really doing what he wanted. He was a bit unhappy, scared and insecure.

So I let him go and let him pursue his dreams. I don't want to stand in the way of someone and hold him back and having him saying later on that he's unhappy because of me.

[wilsonx]

It could be that I was not 'in love' anymore.

But thinking about my ex everyday makes me believe I still have strong feelings for him. Being in love = butterflies

 

 

This is in essence what GIGS is, its the process of learning this.

 

Being in love = infatuation

Having strong feelings for someone = attachment

 

This is why so many people run back. Because they chase that infatuation, the butterflies, and learn it wasnt really love. Then the strong feelings after the infatuation wears off is the unconditional love or the attachment.

 

This is why we look at our ex's that relationship jump and say wow how are you so happy and we arent. We have the attachment, but that infatuation is ridiculously strong. It overrides everything including common sense and logic. Until you learn the difference between the two, it will always win.

Edited January 10, 2012 by wilsonx

[jenny_ruthie09]

I agree that the main essence of caliguy message is focus on yourself instead of getting crazy with what other people think and why they did certain things that hurt us.

 

I took back an ex who had GIGS, then after a year caught him cheating again so I walked out without any closure. His going to nightclubs attributed to lots of things (immaturity and strict chinese parents). I am still very much in love with him but I realized its not because he did not changed...BUT I CHANGED. I started asking myself if I can live with his set of values for the rest of my life and my head says NO.

 

I know he loves me, but whats the best explanation why he keeps hurting me?I dont know and I got tired of finding out. In the end, we're going to hurt ourselves with too much thinking why GIGS happen when time doesnt have a pause and rewind button no matter how much rewind and analysis we put in our heads.

 

I've been on NC for 8months. Its doesn't feel great but getting better! along the way. I lost, but i gained myself and optimistic with each day that comes.

[betterdeal]

Yes we can agree with what he's saying but at the same time when people ask questions and want to wait and see, its not wrong for them to do so.

 

Equally, it's not wrong to give an opinion. If that's "pull your head out of your ass and move on", "don't be sad it's over; be happy it happened", or "read this theory about GIGS me and some friends have" or "they'll be back in 3-5 years time; just hang in there" then that's all it is - an opinion.

[2sunny]

Ultimately - realizing that I can't change others... I can change MYSELF - helps me determine what I can and can't DO.

 

when I changed me - it also forced different actions/reactions from others as well.

[betterdeal]

Ultimately - realizing that I can't change others... I can change MYSELF - helps me determine what I can and can't DO.

 

when I changed me - it also forced different actions/reactions from others as well.

 

Word up ^^

[EgoJoe]

While I am done debating on this thread because it wasn't going anywhere when in all reality the disagreement was a matter of course moreso than perspective.

 

I am posting here because: I have a joke!!!!

 

THIS THREAD IS NAMED AFTER ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST DISAGREEING WITH ME!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH I AM NO LONGER POSTING IN IT AND DO NOT CARE! RAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

[Kamila]

We're almost reaching a consensus here people !

 

Group hug !

[smokey bear]

While I am done debating on this thread because it wasn't going anywhere when in all reality the disagreement was a matter of course moreso than perspective.

 

I am posting here because: I have a joke!!!!

 

THIS THREAD IS NAMED AFTER ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST DISAGREEING WITH ME!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH I AM NO LONGER POSTING IN IT AND DO NOT CARE! RAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

 

 

The thread was not made for a debate, i asked in page 1 for it not to be sidetracked.....ah silly me

 

I posted it because i clashed with you egojoe and wanted a greater understanding of you. WHy?

 

because i try to put myself in the others persons shoe.

 

If i have trouble with you in the future i know its not because i didnt make an effort to understand and consider your story, your views, your prospective.

 

I posted a similar one for sunny for the same reason, to which she has replied on this thread, like i said before thanks for your time and i doubt we will clash in future and if we do it wont be my response.

 

 

Ill say again as well, if i study gigs its for my benefit because i didnt understand what had happened to me and couldnt get myself back.

 

Its for me, if i run it with my ex's experience its for me.

 

If i run it with timelines and patterns its because i dont accept that i was the only crazy person that went through it, if i was, i would have severe issues getting over it because of the way i work. To know its something that happens to more than just me, in ways i can relate to and match lets me understand that it was just nature and not me loosing my marbles.

 

 

 

Oh and as for the whole debate, yeah a lot of break ups get classed as gigs, not our problem but is it so why let it bother you, secondly it seems the term gigs is what offends, im going to stick with it, its a fun word, its easy and short to type and its a word that gives you an image of what the experience is like.

[CaliGuy]

Seriously? Now we are going to be condescending?

 

This wasn't directed at you, so why are you being defensive?

 

I am older than you and have just as much if not more life experience than you do and even I call kids (18 - 25 year olds) who end long term relationships to go have the "college experience" or to see what is out there or to focus / start their career or to go live it up or to sot their oats or go party or whatever "phase" most kids do during that age GIGS.

 

That's immaturity, NOT GIGS. They need to experience life before they get married. They aren't searching other pastures for better people, they are gaining life experience.

 

Pegging GIGS on it is really a very small percentage of breakups.

 

I have no idea why the term GIGS gets your panties all in a wad. Most people in their late twenties (younger than you) who went through that "phase" or had many of their friends or Exes go through that "phase" get what we are talking about.

 

Because form a Psychological standpoint you're trying to group every breakup into one category and it simply has no basis for factual data.

 

While we are at it, I need your help with a situation. I am very confused and need your help with an Ex of mine.

 

Dec. 2009 - My Ex (22 years old) after 3 years together sits me down and explains to me that she thinks it's best that we break up because she has some things she would like to do, see and accomplish on her own outside of a relationship.

 

She said she wanted to live on her own, focus on her career, travel, make new friends, be single, live it up, etc.

 

Considering I also felt and did this when I was her age... I understood. She was doing what was best for her. Since I loved her and wanted the best for her, I agreed and supported her in her decision and we mutually broke up. She started looking for a place to live. No fuss, no drama, no fighting, etc.

 

Feb. 2010 - She moves out and we "officially" break up. No fuss, no drama, no fighting, etc.

 

I go NC until I am healed and moved on (about 8 months to a year) and NIC after that.

 

Since the break up she has contacted every 3 or 4 months and we talk, catch up and she even suggest getting back together several times (I didn't try because I knew she wasn't ready). She was always respectful, kind and considerate, etc. No harm, no foul.

 

Dec. 2012 - She calls me up, tells me she misses me and wants to get back together. We meet up and spend 3 days together and after discussing things I decide that she still has some things she needs to do, resolve and get straight before I am willing to consider a reconciliation with her.

 

Let's see... She got her own place. She traveled all over Europe, many places here in the USA. She switched jobs and started a business. She made many new friends. She tried many new hobbies. She went parachuting. She partied. She lived it up. She dated around. I could go on and on about the things she set out to do and accomplished.

 

I think my was mature for realizing this is what she wanted / needed to do, for sitting me down and letting me know, for breaking up, for going out there and doing exactly what she said she was going to do.

 

Wait... What?

 

Now I am all confused...

 

Is my Ex mature for doing what she thought, felt and believed was best for her or is she "immature" for doing that?

 

Since she followed your own advice and wanted to experience life outside of a committed relationship in her early 20's does that make her mature or is that "immature"?

 

Since she is following your own advice above and waiting till she is in her late 20's before entering into marriage is that mature or is she being "immature"?

 

If you ask me, my term GIGS better describes what my Ex did than your term "immaturity".

 

What she was doing was absolutely immature (hasn't grown to maturity). She's was/is in her 20s and has no idea what she truly wants in life. She does have to sow her wild oats (which is why marriages in the 20s tend to fail as they haven't reached full maturity. 18 doesn't make you mature, it just makes you LEGALLY an adult).

 

She sent me an email tonight letting me know that she missed me, missed us, where she is at on the things she needed to work on and within the email even said... "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Grass Is Not Greener." Since she used the offensive GIGS term, I probably shouldn't consider taking her back, right?

 

Brother, she's immature. She isn't saying "I want to date as many guys as I can to see if you're the right one" what she is saying is "I don't know what I want. I like you as a person, we have fun together, but I am not IN LOVE with you..."

 

If she was, she wouldn't be trying to sow her wild oats and figure out what she wants in life. She'd be living her life WITH you. Right now.

 

Do you understand where I am coming from? You can toss any spin on her behavior that you want but she's immature, not ready for a committed relationship and she's not sure about you. That doesn't mean she thinks the grass is greener (because we all know, grass is the same color on both sides of the fence).

 

Confused.

Unsure.

Doesn't understand what LOVE really is.

Immature.

 

This is not gigs. This is a person that hasn't become an adult yet.

 

Plain and simple. I've dealt with women just like her. At some point, they always end up marrying another guy they are IN LOVE with.

 

And the only thing she does know is that she isn't IN LOVE with you. That you can be sure of.

[CaliGuy]

This is in essence what GIGS is, its the process of learning this.

 

Being in love = infatuation

Having strong feelings for someone = attachment

 

Wrong.

 

Being IN love = attachment

Having strong feelings = infatuation, not IN love.

 

You have them backwards.

 

This is why so many people run back. Because they chase that infatuation, the butterflies, and learn it wasnt really love. Then the strong feelings after the infatuation wears off is the unconditional love or the attachment.

 

This is why we look at our ex's that relationship jump and say wow how are you so happy and we arent. We have the attachment, but that infatuation is ridiculously strong. It overrides everything including common sense and logic. Until you learn the difference between the two, it will always win.

 

We (you) have that attachment because we (you) are IN LOVE.

 

Having an infatuation means people come and go. They're doing that for self-validation. They desire the feeling of self-worth, they just don't want any commitment to anyone. They're immature and have no idea what love really is.

 

They don't run to and fro if they are IN LOVE. They stay.