Febreze Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm not bashing men or anything so please hear me out, thank u! Just this past Saturday night I was at a NYE party with friends & really hooked my self up, looking my best with the right eyeliner, nice-fitting dress with the nicest form-fitting top. I was even guilty of leaving a few buttons open by the chest area But all the men at the party did was look & look away. And whenever I'd get close to one of them, let's say to pass them or something, they would literally freak out like spill their drink or completely avoid eye contact with me & its starting to get depressing I dont always run from my house dressed to the 9s but I do look nice & presentable but men these days seem so "spineless" to make a move. I'm gonna go out on a limb here & admit that I made a move once on a guy at the supermarket by asking him about trying this new cherrios cereal but it didn't pay off because I couldn't even get eye contact from him when he spoke to me & his voice went up & down every 2 seconds I went out on a limb again yesterday coming home from work with a cute guy on the LIRR who sat one row behind me. I knew he was interested in me because he couldn't stop clearing his throat and glancing at me so I went ahead & made a move by asking if the train stopped at so & so but he lost his voice when trying to explain himself. I knew he was nervous. I'm getting tired of waiting around for the "right" guy to approach so I do try to initiate but it isn't working. If I do nothing, only lowlife types try to hit on me at every turn, yuck! Am I doing something wrong here people? I'm 35, still perfectly fit & pretty but I'm not getting any younger. My sister tells me to try the dating sites but it usually has a rep of getting sleazies on there only looking for sex. So tell me what's happening to you guys? Why no more courting & only a bunch of stares & freaking out when you see a lady you're attracted to? I am really starting to worry about you Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes they have but women have played their part in it. Society has made men afraid to even talk to a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I think if youre going to talk to these guys, you need to give them a little more chance and get past their nervousness, to find out how they really are when they are comfortable. And dont ask them about things, ask them about THEM. Guys dont need you to be that subtle, they guys youre approaching dont know that youre talking to them in interest, they think youre making small talk and dont know why. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm only 23 so not exactly in your age range, but I pretty much fit the description you give here. For me, it's basically that every time I've made a move it wasn't well received, so I just concluded that women didn't like me and/or didn't like me expressing any interest in them so I just stopped bothering. As with most things in life success breeds success and a lack of success does the opposite. I've made some (meager) efforts at changing this but it's slow going. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 You're probably catching those guys off-guard by initiating conversations with them. They're probably not used to it, and aren't expecting it. Especially the guys you are speaking to when you're out and about - people go into their own headspace when in the grocery store or train and aren't expecting anyone to initiate conversation, especially a pretty woman. But you're probably on the right track. Keep smiling and talking and you'll likely meet someone who will smile and talk right back. Don't dismiss them if they are nervous - keep chatting and they'll get more comfortable with you. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 How do you know these men who aren't approaching you or getting nervous when you approach are single? Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Well, for a lot of men it is difficult to approach women simply because we have this irrational fear of being shut down and humiliated by the women we approached. Maintaining the interest of a woman as an interaction ensues is also troublesome at times. The main problem is these days, a sizeable portion of men put too much emotional investments into an interaction, and as a result, are afraid to even talk to a woman, hence the up & down voice tone, a sign of nervousness and anxiety. A lot of men these days are like this, not all, but a significant amount. Also, I would wager that many men do not know a great deal about attraction and how it works with women, and if conscious of this, will be a little insecure about trying to attract women, especially if they are not as experienced at dating or seducing than their peers. Eye contact is also going to be very difficult, especially if one doesn't want to be called creepy (it happens). Link to post Share on other sites
Wolf18 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am almost 23 as well, and to be honest I don't consider a woman walking past me or even brushing up against me to be a sign of interest. I've even learned that a girl starting a conversation with you on the train isn't necessarily a sign of romantic interest either. I've had so many false alarms with no real tangible success in this realm that I just ignore it or think nothing of it. You just have to be more obvious, subtle interest often times goes over our heads or reminds us of teasers/empty flirts. There are so many attention whores out there and that's ruining it for ladies like you. Living in NY (I assume you hang out in NYC) also hurts your cause, the anonymity of such a place makes it hard to connect with women you're meeting for the first time. The handful of times an attractive woman has tried to talk to me on the train , for example, have indeed caught me completely off guard and I admit I freeze up as well in these situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I take cues for what they are, no hidden or concealed meaning. These guys simply are not interested in you. The guy clearing his throat and glancing at you sounds like me when I'm near a woman who I have absolutely no attraction to whatsoever. Yeah he was probably nervous - in a situation clearly he would of preferred where a certain someone would stop looking at him. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 But all the men at the party did was look & look away. And whenever I'd get close to one of them, let's say to pass them or something, they would literally freak out like spill their drink or completely avoid eye contact with me & its starting to get depressing I have a hard time believing this one, it feels like a little bit of an exaggeration, unless you were at a Star Trek convention or at an 8th grade mixer I am almost 23 as well, and to be honest I don't consider a woman walking past me or even brushing up against me to be a sign of interest. I've even learned that a girl starting a conversation with you on the train isn't necessarily a sign of romantic interest either. I've had so many false alarms with no real tangible success in this realm that I just ignore it or think nothing of it. You just have to be more obvious, subtle interest often times goes over our heads or reminds us of teasers/empty flirts. There are so many attention whores out there and that's ruining it for ladies like you. This, us men don't read into women's subtle hints that well, granted I would have approached you and struck up a conversation some when I noticed you by yourself so we could talk one on one, especially if I noticed you looking at me once or twice Also do you wear any rings on your left ring finger? Even if it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I take any kind of ring on a left ring finger as "leave me alone and dont hit on me because I either am married, engaged, seeing someone or if I am single, I dont want to be hit on tonight" Link to post Share on other sites
El Brujo Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Welcome to 2012. Most of us don't like it, and we push back against it when we can... but whether we like it or not, dating is changing. Women wanted equality, now what---they want equality in everything except dating??? If women don't want to get with the program and start initiating convo with men, then they might as well take themselves off the market. Link to post Share on other sites
ptp Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 It could be that you are too attractive ? I can tell you for myself, it is confusing. It isn't that I am "spineless" at all. I have no problem talking to women. This might be unique to me, but I have trouble discerning signs of interest. I have a female relative who is around my age and I hear from her how she was trying to be nice to some guy, and he mis-interpreted her signals as signs of interest. Or how some "creepy" guy would come hit on her just because she was being polite, by giving him a big smile. How am I supposed to know if a smile means "I am just being nice" or if it means "I like you come talk to me". Thus, when that happens to me now, I just ignore all the subtle signs, because I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I wait till a girl makes it fairly obvious before asking her out. Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 It could be that you're too attractive, or it could be that you're mostly going for guys who are a lot more attractive than you. Or it could be that you're not as good at flirting as you think? I don't know. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll find a guy or two shortly - promise Link to post Share on other sites
Overthirtymale Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 It could be that you're too attractive, or it could be that you're mostly going for guys who are a lot more attractive than you. Or it could be that you're not as good at flirting as you think? I don't know. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll find a guy or two shortly - promise If she was attractive she wouldn't be on love shack complaining. Link to post Share on other sites
Shaun-Dro Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 You're probably catching those guys off-guard by initiating conversations with them. They're probably not used to it, and aren't expecting it. Especially the guys you are speaking to when you're out and about - people go into their own headspace when in the grocery store or train and aren't expecting anyone to initiate conversation, especially a pretty woman. But you're probably on the right track. Keep smiling and talking and you'll likely meet someone who will smile and talk right back. Don't dismiss them if they are nervous - keep chatting and they'll get more comfortable with you. I agree up to the part where a man shouldn't be dismissed because of his nervousness. If a woman makes a subtle move on him and this guy feels attracted to her, the pressure is already removed, so there's no excuse for any man to chicken out. OP, many men are losing their cajones today as opposed to yesterday. I guess I'm one of "yesterday's" men. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Asking someone about a stop is not flirting nor going out on a limb. The cold approach is one of the hardest things to do so don't expect it too often. When the guy answered the question about the stop did you say thankyou while smiling and holding eye contact and then look back a few seconds later and smile again? If yes then you "flirted" if not you asked a stranger on a train a ? Duran Duran said it best in his hit hungry like the wolf: "Woman u want me give me a sign" Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Have you thought the possibility that some of the men you've approached aren't interested? They can probably be nervous too. I find it interesting how there's a double standard when it comes to women being approached in public. Example: If a guy is too suave or brazen when he approaches a girl who has his sh*t together, then the girl would automatically assume he's a player...might not even give him a chance. You write off all these perfectly good guys and then complain you don't get approached or get approached by sleaze bags. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 ... And don't ask them about things, ask them about THEM. .. ^ That is a good piece of advice. I don't believe in the "men" being "spineless". Decent men are a little slow on the uptake and are kicking themselves in the ass by the millions over small opportunities they failed to read properly those ONE times. I've been asked for directions and like a dope simply gave the directions instead of saying I'm going that way and I'd point you to it--just something to get the reason to talk more. There wasn't any "spine" in the equation--just a dopey innocence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Febreze Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am almost 23 as well, and to be honest I don't consider a woman walking past me or even brushing up against me to be a sign of interest. I've even learned that a girl starting a conversation with you on the train isn't necessarily a sign of romantic interest either. I've had so many false alarms with no real tangible success in this realm that I just ignore it or think nothing of it. You just have to be more obvious, subtle interest often times goes over our heads or reminds us of teasers/empty flirts. There are so many attention whores out there and that's ruining it for ladies like you. Living in NY (I assume you hang out in NYC) also hurts your cause, the anonymity of such a place makes it hard to connect with women you're meeting for the first time. The handful of times an attractive woman has tried to talk to me on the train , for example, have indeed caught me completely off guard and I admit I freeze up as well in these situations. Yes Wolf18, the other women playing head games with guys that really are in to them does make it hard for us older gals; not that I'm that much older but u get it When I was younger I never approached first because I didn't have to but now that I'm a little bit older I still get looks but never a serious approach just some stupid one-liners when I pass on by like, "looking good, honey" or such nonsense but its never serious gestures of interest. I only started making subtle moves after 30 because things are supposed to be equal between men & women so there's nothing wrong with a man & woman splitting the approaches down the middle It's just difficult when the guys I'm interested in getting to know just get jittery all of a sudden or loose their voices lol it's ridiculous! I honestly thought that making a small move would take off the pressure, but I guess I was wrong, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Wolf18 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes Wolf18, the other women playing head games with guys that really are in to them does make it hard for us older gals; not that I'm that much older but u get it When I was younger I never approached first because I didn't have to but now that I'm a little bit older I still get looks but never a serious approach just some stupid one-liners when I pass on by like, "looking good, honey" or such nonsense but its never serious gestures of interest. I only started making subtle moves after 30 because things are supposed to be equal between men & women so there's nothing wrong with a man & woman splitting the approaches down the middle It's just difficult when the guys I'm interested in getting to know just get jittery all of a sudden or loose their voices lol it's ridiculous! I honestly thought that making a small move would take off the pressure, but I guess I was wrong, huh? Yep. Here in NYC it's pretty easy to make new friends, what is hard is having dependable long term connections. This goes the same for women. I've had many instances with a "single serving girlfriend" , in other words, some girl will comment on something im wearing, my facial hair, or make conversation with me, give me her phone number, and then put me in the friend zone. Be more upfront "Hey you're handsome", trust me , you'll get better results. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Lot's of women I see in bars seem to have their bitch face on. Maybe they don't know it's on? IDK. How about saying "hi" and introducing yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
NYC-BigKat Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yep. Here in NYC it's pretty easy to make new friends, what is hard is having dependable long term connections. This goes the same for women. I've had many instances with a "single serving girlfriend" , in other words, some girl will comment on something im wearing, my facial hair, or make conversation with me, give me her phone number, and then put me in the friend zone. Be more upfront "Hey you're handsome", trust me , you'll get better results. I been friend-zoned so many times I lost count. I wish a good looking 35 year old woman would make a move on me. I wouldnt run the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
counterman Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I don't know, maybe it's just the men you've been meeting or maybe it's the fact that a lot of men don't want to take any cues the wrong way or maybe they're just nervous and scared of being rejected. There's nothing about being 'spineless' -- we are naturally expected to take initiative and make the first approach and if we don't and the girl is 'waiting', then nothing would ever happen. On my campus, amongst several groups of my friends, a lot of the guys are reluctant to approach the really attractive girls because most of them prefer douchebags or just spell out trouble and drama, so when an attractive girl approaches them or shows interest, they're wary. Like another poster said, a girl being friendly and initiating conversation doesn't necessarily mean she's interested and a lot of my friends and myself have been fooled by that. Men will ask you out if you put yourself out there, show interest in the man himself, flirt with him, light touching, lots of smiling, eye contact -- instead of waiting, make a move, I would even go as far to say that if it's heading towards the end of the night and it seems he hasn't asked you out yet, maybe you should suggest a meet up? It'll save you from wondering what happened. Hints are often misinterpreted or not even recognised. Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 OP, I don't get approached much either. I have a boyfriend and have never really had a problem finding one when I want one, but I don't often get "cold approached" in public, or even at bars or dance clubs, which are supposed to be meccas for such behaviour. I'm 24, slim/fit, and at least average-looking; maybe a bit above average. There have been multiple times when I've been dressed up and at a club with girlfriends, like you mention, and not gotten approached once all night (other than sleazy guys trying to grind on me on the dance floor). I met my current boyfriend in a bar; my friend and I sat next to him (they were the only available seats at the counter) and he initiated conversation with us. But this has been my only relationship stemming from that type of approach. I guess maybe intimidation is part of it, and to be honest I can't blame them. I'm a shy person and I'd never be able to go up to a guy and ask for his phone number. I guess you just have to be a little bit more aggressive, or look for other ways to meet men. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Save for a couple old ladies (whom I did talk to) and the flight attendants, nearly every woman I encountered today was either yelling into a cell phone or texting madly on her small handheld electronic device. The older lady sitting next to me waiting for my last flight looked so serene whilst reading her book (an actual real paper book) that I wanted to bottle her up and take her home just so I could remember what real women were like. She even said 'please' (may I sit here) and 'thank you'. Rant over. I'm happy to 'approach' women who don't have a force field surrounding them. Link to post Share on other sites
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