Big Dumb Foot's coping thing

[BigDumbFoot]

So I've been thinking about making one of these for a long while now. It's not really something I want to do, more like something that I need to do. I've been journaling on my own for several months now, but it's just not the same.. I can't really motivate myself to be thoughtful about the loss of my relationship. I get close to it, but then I get distracted and digress into a hundred different directions. I feel like if I have a journal thing on here it will keep me more focused. Even if no one reads it but me, I will still try to articulate my feelings as clearly as I can which will hopefully make them more real to me.

 

At this point it's been about six months since the breakup, and around four months since we've had any real contact. Any kind of communication between us was strictly business (well a 'personal' kind of business I guess); getting our stuff back to one another, etc. So the last time we really spoke to one another was in September. It sucked. We pretty much had to do it because of work (we worked for the same org.), and it just felt so forced and cold. Since then she has made zero attempt to contact me in any kind of personal way. And I've done a pretty good job of not contacting her as well, even though some days it's all I want to do. I'll literally have conversations with her in my mind where I spill everything to her, all the resentment, pining and sadness. Then she looks at me and tells me how sorry she is about hurting me. Then that's it.. It's odd, but I long to hear from her so badly, yet I don't really long to be with her anymore. Notwithstanding, I do sometimes drift into fantasies where down the line we are with each other again, but it's not in the recent future. I suppose this might mean that I'm slowly getting over her. Or it could just mean that I'm recovering, but a small part of me still holds on to the idea of being with her once again. I'm not crazy about this thinking, because I think it really keeps me from healing as I ought to. But I was with her for so long, and got so dependent on her, that I barely know how to exist as a separate person even after all of these months have passed.

 

Yes, I admit that I did depend on her a lot more than I probably should have, emotionally and sometimes in other ways that I'm not too proud of. And for someone like her (so independent and stubborn) I could see why this may drive someone away. But I was really really trying my best to be more self reliant, because she told me how much of a turn off the dependency was. I was doing it for her, so she would be happy, so she could learn to depend on me. Such a big mistake. I should have been improving myself for me, so I could depend on myself and be proud of myself. Needless to say when she dumped me I was crushed. I was completely lost. I thought the world was coming to an end. I couldn't stand myself. I was going through such a period of self loathing and regret that I could barely speak with anyone without thinking that they must see me as some kind of joke. It felt as if someone literally ripped my soul right out, which I'm sure many on this forum can understand.

 

And the thing is, even though it's not quite that drastic anymore, I still have a little bit of that even after all these months. I'm still dealing with some pretty bad self esteem issues. If I happen to be in a particularly ****ty mood, I'll find myself getting into such a spiral of self pitty and shame that it will debilitate me. I'll literally be immobalized for a while because I'll literally be in such a bad state that I can't do anything but feel absolute dread. Luckily these episodes occur a lot less nowadays as I'm beginning to employ a lot of self help techniques that I've learned over the years, but never really put into action until recently. They help me to better accept what has happened to me, though I feel like I'm still far from being able to accept myself as I am. When I go out to do stuff that I used to enjoy doing (concerts, bars, art openings), I find that that I start comparing myself to everyone else there. I start measuring myself up to them, comparing their presumed successes with mine, seeing them as being superior to me because they are "living their lives" and I'm just stuck in a rut. It gets excruciating. I start to feel so bummed out and so depressed that I can't even enjoy myself anymore. I'll start to feel like I should be back home, where it's safe and I can hide away from the world. I know that these are all symptoms of low self esteem/depression, and I feel like I'm really making efforts and strides toward over coming this kind of thinking.. but it's still such a long and daunting process that there are times I just want to give up and ****ing hide somewhere, instead of facing the world. But there's nowhere for me to hide anymore!

 

I'm learning to be patient. And I'm starting to have a healthier perspective on my life. Whereas in the past I was always rushing things, telling myself "I'm not getting any younger, I better do A, B and C before I get too old" which is the worst kind of garbage that one can feed oneself. It wouldn't even do me any good! It was just me criticizing myself for not being who I thought I should be, but it really just did so much more harm than good. Wasted so much time. Nowadays I just try to take things slow. I know that I'm a good person, and that I've done good things. And I know that I've made mistakes. Everyone has! So despite the negative feelings I still have to face on pretty much a daily basis, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've really been trying to find myself, find out who I am. Who exactly is BigDumbFoot??

 

So bringing this all back to my ex: I don't think I would have been doing this kind of soul searching if we were still together. I can still distinctly remember trying to explore some of these things, then saying to myself "eh, screw all of this, I'm just gonna to _______'s house." Man, did I shoot myself in the foot. I was using that relationship as an excuse not to grow, to keep from becoming the man I know I can become. But I do miss her intensely. She wasn't a terrible person (even if she did leave me for someone else). For most of the relationship we were great together. But toward the end things just sort of fell apart. Neither one of us really put any effort into putting things back together. We both just sort of half assed it. Now I'm here, and I still have all this still. And I still carry a torch for her, even though I shouldn't.. I'm not yet in a good place, but I can sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel that by sharing some of myself on here I'll be able to turn a new leaf and move forward. And if it doesn't work, then I'll find a way some other way to grow and learn..

 

thanks

[sleepykitten]

Hello BDF, What you wrote really struck a chord with me and how honest you were with how debilitating and all consuming those feeling are when you spiral into a bad phase. I split up with myb/f in May, have not had a long period on nc and still also get some very dark days and also like you have issues with self worth and abandonment. This whole situation for me has made ma realise I was in the wrong relationship, far too dependent emotionally on someone, and thats never a good thing. I have come a long was since the summer, its a rollercoaster but I am confident this year will be great, and for you too. Keep posting. And stay strong.

[BigDumbFoot]

So my mother told me that she thinks I should be talking with other people by now. It made me feel kind of ****ty, but I explained to her that I don't think people should date this shortly after a break up especially from such a long relationship. She might have a point.. but I doubt it. I know that I'm not ready to date yet.. And no offense to my mother.. but her longest relationship was 3 years. Mine was twice that and then some. She never really got to experience being alone for a long period of time. I think there's so much you can learn by being single and avoiding the dating scene.

[BigDumbFoot]

I feel like I'm finally starting to get over the hump past this breakup. It still shocks me some days, though. I still can't believe it ended the way it did. Never in a million years did I thin it would end with her leaving me for another guy. I should have seen it coming. I really should have. She just has that type of personality.. One of her major character flaws was that she was able to just forget about friends at the drop of a hat. And never ever contact anyone for months and months.. Then out of the blue she would want to see them again.. but once she saw them that was it for a while. It's sad how lonely I get sometimes. But the thing is, I felt lonely with her anyway. She was barely present mentally for a long time. She checked out of the relationship loong before I did. But kept me around as her backup guy. I was her contingency. How ****ty is that? I loved her unconditionally. I would have done anything for her, but she just used me. She was terrible to me because of her awful self esteem. And as a result, my self esteem suffered. Now I'm here 'picking up the pieces' so to speak. It's like my life fell apart soo gradually that I didn't even notice. And being in that relationship was one of the causes of that. Now I'm notblaming her for me letting my life get to the point it got, but she sure as **** didn't do anything to help. She was pretty much just out for herself.

 

So I mentioned that I loved her unconditionally in the relationship. Looking back, I don't know if it's a spouses job to love their mate unconditionally. I know it's the family's job, and maybe some close friends.. But if you're in love with someone, and you notice that they aren't loving you back, I don't think you have to sit there and try to grin and bear it. I don't think it's necessary to torture yourself by loving them unconditionally. Then unconditional love, to me, becomes unrequited love, which is a joke. I don't care how romantic or sentimental you are, unrequited love is a waste of energy and effort. Carrying a torch for someone just keeps you in the mire. And keeps you focused on them instead of you. I need to focus on me, not on her. I need to let this love and longing for her end. Talking about the way she was to me helps a great deal in relinquishing that love. It lets me know that she is not above me, that she is not up on some pedestal while I'm down below wading through the refuse of the world. No. If anything she's the one that's messed up, and I'm the sane one. Right? Maybe not.. I don't want to look at it anymore as a power struggle.. Who's better than who.. because I don't think I could ever win that one. In my head at least. No, instead I need to move on from her. Forget about who wronged who, and just focus on BigDumbFoot.

 

On a bright note. I've been able to go out with my roommates and enjoy myself more lately. And not get into a shame/self-pity spiral when I see people together as couples, or people in bands playing music having fun together (I've always wanted to be in a band, but I have pretty bad social anxiety). Baby steps. To me this is proof that I'll reach goals one of these days.. and not even too distant into the future either! Things are looking brighter and brighter with the more risks I take!

 

-Thanks

[BigDumbFoot]

A couple of things occurred to me while I was doing the dishes a min ago. I was thinking about the guy she left me for. Then I got to thinking about why someone would leave their long time partner to be in a new relationship. All I could think was that she wasn't happy with me. But if she wasn't happy with me then who could she be happy with?? I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I was a decent boyfriend. I loved her, I always tried to keep active with her, always tried to do things that seemed fun.. But she always wanted to go out, as in, to the bar. It's all she cared about. Then after a while she started to go out with out me (mainly because I started hating bars). But then she started hanging out with a new group of friends from work, going to parties, going to bars getting drunk with all kinds of people I've never met. It's clear to me now that she was looking the whole time she was doing this, whether it was obvious to me or not. But my question is, what kind person does this?? What kind of person looks for a new relationship while already in one. I think it takes an immense amount immaturity and insecurity to do this. As I said at one point, she kept me around as her safety plan. I even remember one time towards the end of our R, she came over feeling all ****ty and insecure. Then she started whining about how bad she looked in a bunch of pictures she was in. I, of course, comforted her and reassured her that she looked fine. Of course she didn't listen, but I think we ended up having sex that night. The ****ed up part about that is, in those pictures was the guy that she ended up leaving me for. So she came over to my place to be comforted by the guy she spent the last 6 years with because she looked "bad" in front of the guy she wanted to leave him for.. I don't know what to say about that.. I'll just leave it on that note.