Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Lately, all my friends are getting engaged. Couple have been with their bfs around 7 months or less. There is something super romantic about men just being sure after such a short period of time. I feel like different rules apply for women over 30 as they can't afford to waste years. Me and bf have been together for 11 months and had a round about talk about marriage. He wants marriage and kids in the future. He is just not ready right now. He can afford not to be. He is 30 and there is still plenty of time for him. He actually told me that he loves me and wants to be with me for a long time but committing to rest of his life right now is scary. Yet he says that he is commited to me and is "all in". He also says that he can not imagine his life without me. A bit contradictory but whatevs. He did tell me that if I were to get pregnant by accident, he would want us to have the baby. I accept his answer at this point in time. I am just wondering about general thoughts on how long to wait and when it becomes futile. Can a man really not be sure after 11 months if you were the one? Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I say a year to a year and a half is the right time to get engaged when you are over 30. Generally, I would say that an "I don't know" after 11 months could be a "no." But I'd give it another six months to a year before I settled on that. It depends on your comfort level, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I will probably give it another few months. He is generally indecisive. It took him 6 months to buy a car... He did decide to ask me to live with him reasonably quickly so I am not sure why he seems to be dragging his feet. I would actually be more understanding if he told me that he never wanted to marry. This is like: I want to marry, I am just not sure that I want to marry you. Still, it feels silly to leave over this at this early point. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I have a coworker who married his gf after 7 mos. Can't deny hw jumped the gun but they are madly in love ( even went to disneyland). I don't think its the fact a person isn't ready its the factors that contribute to it. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 If you want him to propose you have to stop with the constant freakouts. I'm sure he wants to be with you but knowing how much drama you can bring to his life is a huge deterrent. Show him that you are wife material and that a future with you will be full of joy, not anxiety and drama. Link to post Share on other sites
choppedkittens Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I think by 11 months and after several months of living with you he's pushing the limit of reasonable time to figure out if you're the one. I wouldn't necessarily need a proposal within a few months if I were you, but I would need assurance that he definitely wants to spend his life with me VERY SOON. I agree with Allina that the turbulence of your relationships might be causing some of his hesitation. Try to keep things calm for awhile and see if anything changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes allina, that could be a major factor. He even said that he would like our relationship to stabilize first as the constant drama drains him. I basically told him to please tell me if and when he knows that I am not "the one". I said that I know that he loves having me around and it's better than being single but to consider my age and that he may be wasting my time. He responded that he would never "waste my time" and that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see us being married as a possibility. It was all wishy/washy and I didn't really want to probe further. Link to post Share on other sites
choppedkittens Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Does he refer offhand to a future with you? Like, when we're old... or when we have kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I think by 11 months and after several months of living with you he's pushing the limit of reasonable time to figure out if you're the one. I wouldn't necessarily need a proposal within a few months if I were you, but I would need assurance that he definitely wants to spend his life with me VERY SOON. I agree with Allina that the turbulence of your relationships might be causing some of his hesitation. Try to keep things calm for awhile and see if anything changes. What kind of reassurance? Is he supposed to say when he plans to propose? Or just that he is sure he wants to spend rest of his life with me? Or is it making long range plans about future property purchases and kids? I am definitely walking away after 1.5 years mark and no proposal. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Give it another six months. Then say you'd like to get engaged for a year before you marry. That way the reality of marriage can creep up on him slowly so he won't feel as pressured. It would be a big mistake to trap him by getting pregnant. He may still not marry you and you'd wind up worse off. Link to post Share on other sites
choppedkittens Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 What kind of reassurance? Is he supposed to say when he plans to propose? Or just that he is sure he wants to spend rest of his life with me? Or is it making long range plans about future property purchases and kids? I am definitely walking away after 1.5 years mark and no proposal. Well it depends on whether he's financially able to buy an expensive ring right now. If he isn't, I'd give him some leeway if he promises you he will propose to you but he needs time to save up money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Does he refer offhand to a future with you? Like, when we're old... or when we have kids... He does all the time. Like what type of house we would buy, when and how many kids we would have, talking about me taking few years off work to stay home with the kids. He often sees a cute kid and points him/her out and says "that's what our kid will look like". Current plan is that I will work for a couple of years and save my salary and we would live off his salary. Then we will take few months off to travel with saved money and try for a baby and purchase a house together. Then I will stay off work for a few years with the baby. However, he always says "I want to be with you for a long, long time" rather than "I want to be with you forever". This distinction is important Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes allina, that could be a major factor. He even said that he would like our relationship to stabilize first as the constant drama drains him. I basically told him to please tell me if and when he knows that I am not "the one". I said that I know that he loves having me around and it's better than being single but to consider my age and that he may be wasting my time. He responded that he would never "waste my time" and that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see us being married as a possibility. It was all wishy/washy and I didn't really want to probe further. Is that what you're thinking? That you like having him around and it's better than being single but you may be wasting your time with him? Because he flat out told you that he's not doing that. That's not wishy-washy at all - he was very clear that he's taking this relationship very seriously and not f*cking around with you. So, since HE isn't thinking that, and YOU are the one who said it, is that actually what YOU thinking about him? That he's better than nothing, but otherwise you don't really care about him? Because you never talk about what you like about him, or how much you appreciated some of the nice things he's done for you, or that you see he has made you a huge part of his life or how happy you are that he is in your life. So maybe you aren't really that into him and keep looking for reasons to break this off? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) If you want him to propose you have to stop with the constant freakouts. I'm sure he wants to be with you but knowing how much drama you can bring to his life is a huge deterrent. Show him that you are wife material and that a future with you will be full of joy, not anxiety and drama. Totally ^. Having you move your stuff into his place and wake up with you each morning, when you are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship is a much easier decision to process, than the one which says you are the woman he will be with for the rest of his life, and wants to be at your side when you are an old woman shuffling along with a walking frame. I remember reading some of your posts regarding your feelings/doubts you had about him, not so long ago, so I dont think him wanting to take his time (couple of yrs) and make sure with you is unreasonable at all. I also thought he spent quite a number of years being single, so he will want to enjoy a few footloose, happy go lucky, no pressures, go with the flow, years with a 'girlfriend'. (also add in the fact that he is indecisive by nature) Having him propose to you within the year is romantic from your perspective, but I'm sure he remembers the shltstorm from his trip in europe or going out drinking with his mates (or other incidents I probably missed) from not so long ago, and will want a longer track record with you. Give it at least another year ES before you give him an ultimatum. Edited January 4, 2012 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes norajane, he has been pretty wonderful to me. He has made me a part of his life in every way possible, except giving me the ring. He got offended that I would feel like this is wasting time. He is taking it very seriously (he even arranged for our parents to meet even though they live very far away). I know that he does love me deeply and that he is committed. I love him too and part of me thinks that what we have now, being together and waking up together every day is enough. A piece of paper isn't going to change anything. Yet, another part wants a marriage proposal. I am 33 now. I am worried that I will run out of time to have kids (that's actually more important to me than marriage itself). Link to post Share on other sites
mammamia1 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 here's my friend's experience: she's 33, he's 27. It was less than 2 years after knowing each other and 4 months after living together that she wanted marriage. They got married 2 months after that. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 If marriage was something I really, really wanted, I probably wouldn't wait longer than 1.5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am worried that I will run out of time to have kids (that's actually more important to me than marriage itself). Then get pregnant since he's willing to have a baby with you but too afraid to get married. Problem solved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Eh, he doesn't want a baby right now. He just said if it were to happen by accident, he would want us to have it. I am not about to play games and get pregnant on purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I love my gf, we have had no problems (literally not one argument, though disagreements happen) in our 7 mths together, and I still would not consider a proposal for a minimum 1.5-2 yrs. I would want to know anyone that I am tied to forever at least that long. Getting married in less than a year seems impulsive to me. I feel people who do this see divorce as a more viable and casual option than I do (generalizations I know, but it is what I have observed). Consider this, if you put a time limit on this then what? You leave a man who cares for you, take time to find another such guy, wait 1-2 yrs to marry him? All because you needed to put a time limit on a proposal rather than letting him be comfortable with his decision as well (a matter of a few mths or maybe a year). If overall time to having a child is your issue, it seems faster to give this guy the time he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Please dont have a baby. Lord have mercy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 I love my gf, we have had no problems (literally not one argument, though disagreements happen) in our 7 mths together, and I still would not consider a proposal for a minimum 1.5-2 yrs. I would want to know anyone that I am tied to forever at least that long. Getting married in less than a year seems impulsive to me. I feel people who do this see divorce as a more viable and casual option than I do (generalizations I know, but it is what I have observed). Consider this, if you put a time limit on this then what? You leave a man who cares for you, take time to find another such guy, wait 1-2 yrs to marry him? All because you needed to put a time limit on a proposal rather than letting him be comfortable with his decision as well (a matter of a few mths or maybe a year). If overall time to having a child is your issue, it seems faster to give this guy the time he needs. Yep - this seems like a solid reasoning. Out of curiosity, are you and your gf under 30? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Please dont have a baby. Lord have mercy. I am pretty careful. Despite it all, I feel like I would make a good mother Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Me and bf have been together for 11 months and had a round about talk about marriage. You've broken up twice (that I can remember) in those 11 months. What would happen in a similar situation when you're engaged? Would you call it off? What about when you have an argument after you're married? I think you need to reset the clock to whenever you last got back together if you're measuring things like "it's been x months why hasn't he proposed to me yet?" - Marriage really needs a stable relationship as the base. But, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am worried that I will run out of time to have kids (that's actually more important to me than marriage itself). Does he know this? There's nothing wrong with having a conversation about not waiting too long to have children because of your age and because of the increasing difficulties/risks that come with your age. Although, you're only 33, so no need to panic, but no harm in planning and having a grown-up conversation about babies. Link to post Share on other sites
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