Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I agree - she absolutely needs to be considering whether he is right for her. And it's really hard for her to do that when she has so much anxiety about so many things...while at the same time is always feeling a need for more commitment from him. That constant state of turmoil she is in has to subside in order for the drama to subside, I think. ES, what do you believe will change when you are engaged to be married? I would feel more secure and that he just won't walk away tomorrow. Right now, I feel like after every fight (some that are started by him too) - there is a potential for him to suddenly leave. Also, I always felt iffy about living together before marriage. It allows a guy to get comfortable, has all the sex and cooking he needs and then leave when he gets bored. Essentially, if he made the ultimate commitment, I would be able to plan for the future with some certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I don't believe that 100% openness in a relationship is healthy...in other words it's not good to share every unfiltered negative thought you may have. You need to maintain some boundary. Sometimes it's best to fudge a bit if it's something minor. Yes! My bf wants 100% absolute honesty. I don't think it's a good idea and it's a major source of conflict for us. He blurts out every thought he has and asks the same from me. We spend so much time together. He doesn't even want to go to a store without me. We are literally together 24/7 except for work. As you can imagine, so much time together + 100% openness about every thought that crosses our mind = fights. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 You don't know this -- that ES was a terrible host or it was at all her fault. That's not at all what zengirl said, and you know it. What she said is, that it was rude for her to intentionally "tune out" when his mother, a guest in her home, was there talking to her. Which is exactly what ES did: The truth is, I just don't get along with them. Despite my best efforts, they are too loud, too intense, too draining. They can talk non-stop for 12 hours. Imagine 10 days of that. I thought I was about to go crazy. I couldn't even keep up my polite front any longer. I couldn't listen to another gossip story about people I don't know. His mum has about 200000 of those stories. So I started tuning out as a way to stay sane. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Yes! My bf wants 100% absolute honesty. I don't think it's a good idea and it's a major source of conflict for us. He blurts out every thought he has and asks the same from me. We spend so much time together. He doesn't even want to go to a store without me. We are literally together 24/7 except for work. As you can imagine, so much time together + 100% openness about every thought that crosses our mind = fights. Does he blurt out/voluntarily share, or do you ASK him pointed questions? Because from your history, it sounds like you force him to talk about things by repeatedly bringing up certain subjects. That said, unless he's saying things no man should be saying his SO because it would just be stupid to do so ("Are you gaining weight?" or "I fantasize about effing the new girl at work," etc., you know, just stupid things to say), I can't imagine how being anything other than completely honest would ever be a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 SG, he made unprompted comments about my weight number of times. He called some of my friends "hot" number of times too (completely unprompted). He just blurts out everything he thinks/feels with no regard on how it will affect me. Of course, that throws me in a negative loop and I get hurt and start to distance. Examples: Perhaps I don't want sex as much because I am used to perfect bodies women in porn have or I would be extremely happy if you lost 20lbs. or (now that I lost around 15 lbs) I think losing 20 more lbs (on the top of 15) would make you look really good and you still definitely won't be too skinny. (even if he is right, it's still not his place to say that). or Wow, you looked so much better 10 years ago. You were out of my league then. The troubled relationship dynamic doesn't exist in vacuum. If he were not to negatively comment on my weight/looks as well as other stuff, I won't feel the need to act out. Those occasional comments throw me completely off balance and make me question everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Perhaps I don't want sex as much because I am used to perfect bodies women in porn have You're telling me he's just making breakfast or on the couch watching the evening news and blurts this out? Or does he say this in response to a question you ask him? Something like, "You don't seem interested in sex as much anymore. Why?" [i would be extremely happy if you lost 20lbs. (now that I lost around 15 lbs) I think losing 20 more lbs (on the top of 15) would make you look really good and you still definitely won't be too skinny. (even if he is right, it's still not his place to say that). Same question. Random comment he makes mid-brushing his teeth, or is this in response to a question you've asked him, like, "How much weight do you think I need to lose?" The troubled relationship dynamic doesn't exist in vacuum. If he were not to negatively comment on my weight/looks as well as other stuff, I won't feel the need to act out. You're right, the dynamic doesn't exist in a vacuum, and neither do his comments. What preceded these comments? No sane person would just say these things unless you were already on the subject. As for needing to act out... You don't NEED to act out. You are in complete CONTROL of how you respond to everything that happens to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I accidentally saw a text from his mum last night that said: "my dearest son, we are so worried about you. You can do so much better than ES" He responded: "Don't worry mum, I am doing well". He basically wants me to try my hardest to win their approval. He has also been noticeably distant in the last few days since they left. Ouch. This is not good. I had two boyfriends with overbearing mothers, and they both pulled similar crap to try to push me out. Like your boyfriend's mother, they were trying to force the guy to choose a side of primary loyalty -- you or the mother. In my case, one of them stood up to her resolutely and told her she would not interfere in our relationship. He said he wouldn't talk to her again until she could accept our relationship and be civil to me. They didn't speak for over a year, and he told me he was happier than he had ever been, and was really glad not to have her intruding in his life anymore. The other had the opposite reaction -- ran to his family's side to try to placate them, and allowed their manipulation and abuse. That killed any hope I had of a future with him. We're still friends, and he's told me more than once that he made a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Then perhaps he is insane. I avoid talking about anything weight related as a plague. He would just start talking about something random. Like his own weight or commenting on our mutual friends on who is too skinny and who is too fat. Then he will talk about my own weight. I told him million times that I hate it when he does that, yet he is still doing it. BTW, I spoke to few couples that have been together for 10+ years and ALL of them think that absolute honesty is a relationship killer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Jeez... That particular gem came when I showed him some old photos of myself. It was also completely unprompted. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 BTW, I spoke to few couples that have been together for 10+ years and ALL of them think that absolute honesty is a relationship killer. So, you're advocating that long-term relationship couples lie to each other on the regular? I have had the same conversations with couples married far longer than 10 years, and for them, honesty is an absolutely critical component of any healthy relationship. Honest comments can be given tactfully, however. Dishonesty is not good for any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 If he thinks you are too fat and he is too fat, the solution is obvious. Tell him to hire a personal trainer for the both of you. One less thing to fight about. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 ES, honest question. Why is it that every time your thread starts to die out you toss in a new twist and more drama in attempt to resurrect it? The first time your thread was dropping to the bottom of the page you introduced the issue with his parents, that got a few more posts, then the thread started to slip again, resulting in you quickly bringing up compatibility issues, his sensitivity and comments about you weight. What's going on here? Is this really about you wanting to marry this man? Or, is this about you fulfilling some need that has nothing to do with this man? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 There's a difference between honesty and insensitivity -- blurting out every random thought you have, regardless of whether it will hurt your partner. Did you read what I wrote? I direct your attention to this sentence: "Honest comments can be given tactfully, however." Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 ES, honest question. Why is it that every time your thread starts to die out you toss in a new twist and more drama in attempt to resurrect it? The first time your thread was dropping to the bottom of the page you introduced the issue with his parents, that got a few more posts, then the thread started to slip again, resulting in you quickly bringing up compatibility issues, his sensitivity and comments about you weight. What's going on here? Is this really about you wanting to marry this man? Or, is this about you fulfilling some need that has nothing to do with this man? Are you just now seeing this? This is the case with 98% of her threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Are you just now seeing this? This is the case with 98% of her threads. She's certainly a character if nothing else, but you Star are quite a star... Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Are you just now seeing this? This is the case with 98% of her threads. Yeah. I used to skip clicking on any of ES's threads as I felt like they were nothing more than begging for a reaction. However, I have since decided that maybe ES is a good person, just a little lost. I have tried to give her thoughtful, constructive advice recently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 ES, honest question. Why is it that every time your thread starts to die out you toss in a new twist and more drama in attempt to resurrect it? The first time your thread was dropping to the bottom of the page you introduced the issue with his parents, that got a few more posts, then the thread started to slip again, resulting in you quickly bringing up compatibility issues, his sensitivity and comments about you weight. What's going on here? Is this really about you wanting to marry this man? Or, is this about you fulfilling some need that has nothing to do with this man? I am not attention seeking if that's what you imply. I have been criticized before for starting new threads a lot. I just thought I could continue with my thoughts in this one. I am not 100% that I want to marry this man. I am trying to think it through because he has some personality traits that I do not like. As I said before, if I were 5 years younger - I would end this relationship. Right now - my biological clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I do love him, I am just not sure we are best for each other in long term. I am trying to be practical. I can't be as picky as I was when I was in my 20's. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I am not 100% that I want to marry this man. I have suggested many times to you and your LS BFF that you focus more on how YOU feel about the guy in question than how he feels. Because if YOU don't want to marry him, how he feels is really irrelevant. I am trying to think it through because he has some personality traits that I do not like. As I said before, if I were 5 years younger - I would end this relationship. Right now - my biological clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I do love him, I am just not sure we are best for each other in long term. I am trying to be practical. I can't be as picky as I was when I was in my 20's. Yes, you can, and you should be JUST as selecting when choosing a LIFE PARTNER in your 20s as you would be if you were on old and grey. Marrying someone based on your biological clock, knowing you're not a match, will only cause you MORE pain and MORE grief in the "long term." Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 if I were 5 years younger - I would end this relationship. This is pretty major and definitely a big, huge, bright sign that you shouldn't be considering marriage in this relationship. Seriously, you haven't had a single consistent week with this relationship. It's always something. If he's wrong for you wasting any more time on this relationship isn't going to get you any closer to having a baby or a healthy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 If he's wrong for you wasting any more time on this relationship isn't going to get you any closer to having a baby or a healthy marriage. Yup. Not only isn't it going to get you any closer, it's only going to push what you really want even further away... Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Like his own weight or commenting on our mutual friends on who is too skinny and who is too fat. Then he will talk about my own weight. This is just his excuse for not having sex. Guys that are like that will always find a reason for it. Nothing to do with them. I think you look the cutest just like that, and you are never going to be Chinese skinny. Your body is not like that and you'd look terrible if you lost so much weight. I think at this point you are more like friends that get along semi-well and keep each other company. But then, you are in a tough situation since you don't like most guys you meet and the babies problem. Dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Eh Ariadne, we have enough sex right now. We did it nearly every day on holidays and around 3-4 times a week during normal weeks. We even do it few times a day sometimes. I am terrified of being single again and even more terrified because I would let my mum down. I have also grown attached to him. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I am terrified of being single again and even more terrified because I would let my mum down. How do you feel about marriage to him, as he is right now? Does it not terrify you to be in a bad marriage? Divorce? Do you want marriage so badly that the person you marry doesn't matter so much? If you are not 100% that you want to marry this man, what prompted this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I am not 100% that I want to marry this man. I am trying to think it through because he has some personality traits that I do not like. As I said before, if I were 5 years younger - I would end this relationship. Right now - my biological clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I do love him, I am just not sure we are best for each other in long term. I am trying to be practical. I can't be as picky as I was when I was in my 20's. If you are not 100% sure then why a thread complaining about the lack of proposal! However.... If there are traits that are possibly annoying you now then do you really think you will feel better about them 20 years down the line? Or do you think you will resent him and lack respect for him? I suspect the latter in which case you cannot marry this man (for your sake as well as his). If you would end this relationship if you were 5 years younger, again you cannot marry this man. If this is all about having a family, do you really think it would be ahealthy environment to raise children if there is a lack of love and respect between the parents who are stuck in an unhappy marriage? If he is not right for you, you cannot make it work no matter how hard you try. Square pegs will never fit in round holes. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Come, ES, think things through. You say you would not marry him if you were 5 years younger. Do you think you could live with a lifetime of being with him in that case? Would you not regret it, down the line? Better to be single than to be a divorced single mom. IMO, at least. If you don't mind, then... eh. Link to post Share on other sites
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