why do guys just want to be friends with me?!

[Lauren83]

Hi guys. I was wondering if someone could answer this question for me: why do guys only want to be friends with me? Could I be doing something wrong? It seems that all of the guys I like never want to be more than anything but friends. I have to admit, I'm not very flirty, but that's just not me. I'm really straight-forward and honest, and I hate to play games. I asked my cousin about this, because she met the guy I liked, and the girls, the other day at his show. She was just as confused as I was. She commented that she thought I was far more attractive than the other girls he was flirting with, and that the other girls seemed to be into him just because he's a perfomer (he sings and plays guitar), and not because of his personality. They were definitely more flirty, but I have an excellent judge of character, and they were totally fake (and peering over that line between "fan" and "groupie")! (He met them at one of his shows, because they'd followed him to about 5 shows in a row) They didn't even have his CD after going to 5 shows!! One of the girls bought one from me (I sold his merch the other night) and said she'd burn a copy for her friend. This guy and I had way more in common than the other girls, and yet he was constantly teasing them, talking to them more, and flirting with them. He even commented that he thought one of the girl's mom must be pretty and then he asked what she looked like (the girl had just told us that her mom was coming to one of his shows next week). I just don't get it. I mean, I help promote his music and come early to help him (and his dad) set up for shows. I drove him around town most of the afternoon on Friday, looking for a keyboard for the show that night, and we talked constantly. I got him a cowboy hat, because he mentioned before that his friend had one and that he'd never had a real one before. He absolutely loved it, and didn't take it off the entire day! He kept talking about it, and even mentioned it onstage that night (he said that "his friend Lauren" had gotten him one, and he wanted to wear it but it would mess up his hair. he wore it after the show though, and asked one of the girls to take a pic of him wearing it, because they had a camera). Anyway, while we were driving around that day, we really got to know each other. We realized that we were both vegeterians, we're both obsessed with music (esp. classic rock), we both play guitar and piano, we like the same movies and books.... We shared a candy bar also, because he really wanted me to try a certain flavor, and it turned out to be my favorite flavor as well (peanut butter & chocolate). We totally seemed to connect. He invited me to hang out with him and these girls after his show, without asking them first, and I accepted. While we were out, he was definitely paying more attention to them, but he would ask me what I thought about certain things, or talk about something we'd mentioned earlier in the day. But, he hasn't even called or e-mailed me at all. He's always talking to those other girls on the phone. I'm so confused about this situation! What am I doing wrong? Does he just see me as a friend who helps him out? Is there anything I can do to help the situation? He's on the road constantly now, so I hardly ever see him. But, they follow him around to different states and hang out with him before or after his shows. Is he just having a good time flirting with these girls, or could he really be attracted to them? Any suggestions would be very helpful! Thanks!!

[average guy]

Are you talking about every guy you meet, or just this rock star? If it is just about him, therte could be amillion reasons: one, he likes you too much to just have a quick shag with you which is what he wants/expects from all the other girls he meets (being a rock star and all , two, he is not sexually attarcated to you, despite how good looking you may be. People are attraccted to the stragnest things in other people. Three, he may really like you as sort of like a sister. Who knows? You may just have to ask him in a non-chalant way why you haven't slept together yet

[dudesomewhere]

you say you're a good judge of character? well maybe you should look at his more carefully...or in a different light...perhaps looking at them romantically you get confused.

 

I kinda get the vibe that you are a "decent girl" I'd say a good girl but no female really wants to be considered that, lol

 

many times guys who just want flings won't bother with someone who has standards. Maybe he just wants to make as many notches in his belt as possible?

 

eh

 

needed to add this part...wouldn't you want a guy who wants you as a friend first? Hell that's what I'm looking for a girl who wants me as a friend. That's the best feeling...to me, I'm weird

[moimeme]

Hell that's what I'm looking for a girl who wants me as a friend. That's the best feeling...to me, I'm weird

 

Dude - you're not 'wierd', 'strange' , or a 'freak'. You just know what you want, and that's a genuine relationship. You're not the only human on the planet who wants that.

 

I don't think, Lauren, that your guy has the same thoughts about relationships. Some people (male and female) think friendship somehow is not a good basis for a relationship. They are looking for infatuation, butterflies, and all that - not realizing you can have those things for a friend in time. I'm sure he's enjoying all the attention and it's likely he'll want to do so for a while yet. You will likely be a friend for a long time - if you want to. One day he may get sick of the music star ways and look for something permanent - or not. Depends on how mature he is. This guy may not be a good bet in terms of relationships, I'm afraid.

[Lauren83]

Thanks for the responses!! I'll just respond to everyone right here instead of making tons of new posts....

 

 

average guy -- no, I'm not just talking about this guy. Although he is the guy I want it to work out with the most. This happened to me last year as well. I became friends with a guy, but he transferred colleges just as we were starting to move forward, and he said he just wanted to be friends (because of the distance). It was really hard to work out at first, especially since he has a girlfriend now, but I finally realized it was for the best. I told myself I would only look at guys as friends, and I have, until this rock star came along. I met him a few months ago, and we talked, but never really got to know each other that well until last weekend. That's when I started feeling a little bit more than friendship toward him, but I didn't really let on about. Anyway, you brought up some good points, and I thank you for that. However, I can't ask him why we haven't slept together yet! I'm abstaining from sex until marriage for many reasons. I won't go into all of them, but, to summarize, my spiritual faith is a big part of that decision.

 

 

dude somewhere -- thanks for the advice! you're right, maybe he does just want to have as many flings as possible right now. although i have to say that i'm not sure how easy this would be for him, since he's touring with his dad (who's also his manager)! but, i guess there are ways around anything if you want it badly enough. he's on the road, and a serious relationship just isn't going to work out if he's traveling so much. i understand this, but it was just hard for me to watch him flirt like crazy with those other girls and not that much with me, you know? you're right, i should look at him more carefully before i invest any more emotions into this. don't worry, i get called a "good girl" all the time. i used to hate it, but i've learned to embrace it. i'd rather be seen as a "good girl" than a "bad girl"...well, most of the time!

one more thing - that's AWESOME you're looking for a girl who wants to be friends first!!! i'm so happy to see a guy admit this! your not weird at all! yes, i absolutely want to be friends with a guy before we start a relationship. i guess i was just a little jealous of those girls he was flirting with, but it's only because i care about him. if we don't end up together, i hope he ends up with a girl that has morals, will treat him right, and sees him for who he really is - instead of just a "hot rock star". i work with a lot of "rock stars" so i know that they're just normal people like everyone else, and should be treated that way. but there will always be groupies. i need to get over that. i'm not a fan of the groupies. they really crawl under my skin. but, anyway.... thank you so much for your advice! i really appreciate it!!

 

 

moimeme -- excellent advice!!!! thank you! i will definitely consider these things much more carefully. i will observe his attitute toward relationships and try to figure out what he's looking for. he's from all over california and i'm from all over oklahoma. (we've both moved a lot, and we both like to travel) he told me the other day he wants to move to the south someday, because he loves it here. but he also told me he loves being on the road and touring, so he plans to do that for a long time before he settles down. he is a complete romantic, as am i, so i think that's why he falls for these little groupies. they give him instant satisfaction (through flirting) but never really fulfill. he does want something permanent someday. and, i've come to see (with the help of you guys) that i should be happy with the way things are between us now! i don't want some groupie fling, so i should just enjoy being friends now and wait to see if something happens later on. *sigh* that mental attitude actually feels pretty good. thanks for the advice!!