Why do men just disappear from your lives?

[yolatanga]

FWBs to very good friends. We really became close until he started to pull away. Turns out he's friends with his ex again. I had a hizzy because that would mean I'm out. He broke up with her because of me. Well anyway, he told me he was still in love with her but not going back (he's in denial for sure). Anyway, we hashed it out and still hung out. Although I did warn him that it would probably be best for me if I moved on. What I didn't expect nor want was...he went away for the Xmas week and never heard from him again. Aaaaak! We live in the same place, hang with the same friends and go to the same places. WTH? He's 45 yrs old. Grow a pair. He'll have to change his pattern because I will not. I refuse.

 

Someone explain this cowardly behavior. He just decided to throw our friendship in the garbage.."poof". I feel used.

 

I feel I did the right thing or at least I hope I did. I sent a nice e-mail stating this was the best move and it frees me to meet other men. Good luck to him and etc. Of course he did not respond. At least I'm the bigger person. Let him be a jerk to her now.

 

While I'm holding my head up high I'm dying inside (just not letting him know that).

[carhill]

Sorry to say but IMO he was never really a friend. Friends, true ones anyway, don't just disappear. The dynamic is based upon mutual interests and synergistic philosophies, trust and love, not FWB (sex).

 

From the quick read (no background check), this sounds like another imbalanced FWB situation. I've had the reverse and experienced female 'friends' disappearing, but that was because I was emotionally invested and they were not. To them, it was an inconsequential event. No harm, no foul, great life lessons.

 

Good luck in your healing. I hope you will maintain strong boundaries wrt this dynamic. He will likely make a future appearance. You have choices.

[BigDumbFoot]

I have the same question, except about women. One in particular. How can this one woman just up and abandon a 7 year relationship? **** if I know..

[yolatanga]

Sorry to say but IMO he was never really a friend. Friends, true ones anyway, don't just disappear. The dynamic is based upon mutual interests and synergistic philosophies, trust and love, not FWB (sex).

 

From the quick read (no background check), this sounds like another imbalanced FWB situation. I've had the reverse and experienced female 'friends' disappearing, but that was because I was emotionally invested and they were not. To them, it was an inconsequential event. No harm, no foul, great life lessons.

 

Good luck in your healing. I hope you will maintain strong boundaries wrt this dynamic. He will likely make a future appearance. You have choices.

 

Well we stopped having sex a while ago which was smart on our part and our friendship seemed to thrive. We did things together and for each other until...7-8 mos later ex is back in picture. Which he kept secret. His friend had to warn me. We went down hill from there.

He's acting exactly as I said he would. I called him on it. He denied this would happen. It's happening!

 

I hope he doesn't make a future appearence. What would be the point? He doesn't want me that way and there was no "our friendship is very important to me" bull. Obviously that wasn't true.

 

It's my own fault I wasted so much time on him.

[carhill]

Question: Why would his friend have to 'warn you' about his ex being back in the picture? As your dynamic had morphed to 'friends', such a reconciliation could be considered normal or at least within the realm of possible. Why the secrecy and whispers of disclosure?

 

You had casual, uncommitted sex and an otherwise 'friendly' non-romantic relationship after. No drama.

 

IMO, his gift to you will be his absence. I hope he gives you that.

[yolatanga]

Question: Why would his friend have to 'warn you' about his ex being back in the picture? As your dynamic had morphed to 'friends', such a reconciliation could be considered normal or at least within the realm of possible. Why the secrecy and whispers of disclosure?

 

You had casual, uncommitted sex and an otherwise 'friendly' non-romantic relationship after. No drama.

 

IMO, his gift to you will be his absence. I hope he gives you that.

I'd like to know why his friend did a lot of things. He caused a lot of drama by making up lies to upset me. This warning put the nail in the coffin and I suspect he knew it.

 

I got attached, my bad. My heart is breaking now, but I will be ok.

 

I'm sure he does think he's doing me in a favor because in a way he is. I'm not just not into that whole ignore thing.

[yolatanga]

I'm purely a one woman guy. But I'm a male. If i enter a new relationship then that's it with the old. I might not want an emotional relationship with a past mate but, not to be crude, I'll still 'want to do her'. Best to remove oneself from the temptation of not thinking with the brain. Women would be shocked by how many of their guys still 'did it' with an old mate a few times despite protests to the contrary.

 

As for a posting above about the ex in picture again. i also don't get it. You are not in a relationship so that's his or her business. It's their decision to include or not include a friend in other aspects of their lives. If you stil have a physical relationship then that's a different scenario and it is your business. Otherwise, I wouldn't inform you either as you take it as some type of entitlement that is bigger than regular friendship.

 

I will explain my sense of entitlement of a heads up from him. We started out as friends and he dumped his ex for me. Now, she knew me and she would see us together. He knew my strong feelings for him and he still stayed. We would do this back and forth thing. It became my business because their new friendship would directly affect us. There is no way she would still allow me in the picture and I don't blame her. I guess my ? is...why couldn't he just tell me? Why did he have to start treating me like crap and now completely ignoring me?

[carhill]

In a FWB, at least as defined here on LS, people are not 'dumped for the FWB'. FWB is, by definition, casual uncommitted non-exclusive sex.

 

Why couldn't he tell you about his rekindled romance with his ex? Unknown. He could have; that's possible. Think about it. Such revelations are really good information. If your feelings and the dynamic of true friendship had play with and meaning for him, it follows that he should have. That he didn't is an answer. Up to you how that is processed.

[yolatanga]

In a FWB, at least as defined here on LS, people are not 'dumped for the FWB'. FWB is, by definition, casual uncommitted non-exclusive sex.

 

Why couldn't he tell you about his rekindled romance with his ex? Unknown. He could have; that's possible. Think about it. Such revelations are really good information. If your feelings and the dynamic of true friendship had play with and meaning for him, it follows that he should have. That he didn't is an answer. Up to you how that is processed.

Sadly I thought we moved on from the FWB. He cared for me and I cared for him. We did show each other that until.

 

I said goodby and good luck.

[Cora]

I was in a FWB not too long ago. We became really close and were more like friends over time. I really felt he cared about me and I certainly grew to care about him. We shared so much with each other. We were together for two years and then he suddenly disappeared without warning.

 

I sent him a text one day asking him what had happened and why he had disappeared on me? His response: "I have a girlfriend now and did not want to hurt you." Months later I found out he just had his first child with this girl and is now married to her.

 

See, FWB is just that. No matter how close you think you become or how much you think the person truly cares about you...at the end of the day you still remain just a casual encounter. No matter how much you delude yourself into thinking it's more or could become more.....more often than not, it's not or it wont.

 

I like to think of a FWB partner as being someone just to pass the time with until the main squeeze comes along. Once that happens you're out like yesterdays trash.

 

I learned one important lesson from my experience....never do FWB.

[goldengirl11]

How do you know you're a FWB with someone? I am still very wounded after an ex colleague started seeing someone else it would appear after we'd began getting intimate... then a couple of months later he referred to her as his girlfriend... then a few months later after no contact (from his side) he started contacting me again with flirty e-mails... then has disappeared again for so far 3 months. I'm trying to meet someone else but admit hope that he will miss me. I'm quite disgusted how I've been treated like convenience though. He only made the effort to see me (we lived approx 40 mins drive apart) when it was just us I feel, but on the other hand it felt coupley when in each others presence... then poof. I guess that it's down to fate though in the end isn't it.

Edited January 5, 2012 by goldengirl11

[carhill]

I have the same question, except about women. One in particular. How can this one woman just up and abandon a 7 year relationship? **** if I know..

I only have one data point in that regard, and it's murky, since gestures were made to 'work on things', generally to the point of achieving a particular goal, then exiting at that point. The timeline would only become clear in retrospect. Perhaps you can find commonalities and signposts which will provide some clarity in your circumstances.

 

The relevant lesson for men is to never become emotionally intimate with a woman unless she is clearly desirous of and in an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with you. This permutation of 'FWB' can end just as painfully and badly should you (men) assign more meaning to the encounters than 'casual mind-fµcking'. Further, if in an LTR/M and she is not passionately and overtly loyal to a fault, it's ersatz. Get out.

 

I've found that remaining superficially sympathetic/empathetic, more like a therapist, if the 'friendship' otherwise suits my needs at the time, and having absolutely no expectations, can allow such a permutation of 'FWB' to exist and proceed with some degree of health.

 

I thank the women in my life for teaching such lessons, none of which my parents nor a book could have ever taught. Therapy filled in the rest of the blanks and provided clarity about the nuances.

 

IMO, the imperative with casual interactions of any sort, emotional or sexual, is to care less and invest less, at a level appropriate to the value of such interactions. If this runs counter to one's natural 'style', then it's better to avoid such interactions altogether.

[Woggle]

I will say something that women will not like. To most men a FWB is a woman you play around with and when you are done you are done. Most of the time they don't mean much to a man. If a woman means that much we usually want to move on to a full blown relationship.

[carhill]

Perhaps one way to help a lady understand a typical man's perception of casual sex is, by example, when she knows a man likes her and she enjoys his attentions and romantic pursuit of her but feels nothing similar and currently has no better options or is in an otherwise emotionally empty M or LTR, and he is a convenient mind and heart for her to rest upon. She'll 'let him love her' until she's done and then moves on summarily and without concern or feeling, not in a cruel way but rather because he was a zero from her perspective; though she did enjoy the validation, he was interchangeable with any other man and had no value to her beyond the attention and intimacy he provided. I've lived that part.

 

Casual unemotional sex for a man with a woman he doesn't care about is like masturbation except with another human body as his fist. The sex part is definitely a high but the woman is interchangeable. That she is having sex with him and facilitating his orgasm is meaningful. She is not meaningful, at least in the way which is usually connected with healthy lovemaking.

 

Having had a few of those (casual sex) opportunities over the decades and having said 'no' to them, I clearly remember the mindset and emotional perspective involved in the process. I rejected the 'why' even though the sensation and validation of the sex and orgasm would be pleasurable. The 'why' was wrong, for me. For another man, perhaps right. We're all different. When such a man 'disappears', that's a signpost of those differences. A canary in the compatibility coal mine, its life or death depending upon one's relevant style.

 

OP, does any of this help with clarity?

[alphamale]

because we have a fear of commitment and don't want to be bothered and nagged all the time. we just want sex.

[lilyblue]

I will explain my sense of entitlement of a heads up from him. We started out as friends and he dumped his ex for me. Now, she knew me and she would see us together. He knew my strong feelings for him and he still stayed. We would do this back and forth thing. It became my business because their new friendship would directly affect us. There is no way she would still allow me in the picture and I don't blame her. I guess my ? is...why couldn't he just tell me? Why did he have to start treating me like crap and now completely ignoring me?

 

Almost the exact same situation happened to me, except I was in an actual relationship with the guy. We had been friends for years, he got divorced (not for me, but he told me later his wife thought that we had been having an affair and was threatened by me - we hadn't). We later got into a relationship, she came back (I did not know that at the time) and he vanished! Not one word. I found out through fb - which he has now blocked me from.

 

Part of me can understand that she would not allow me in the picture. It doesn't take the blame off him for the way he handled the situation though. It would have been one conversation that would have made things not so awful and depression-inducing for me. Sorry you're going through this.

[YouNeverKnow86]

Almost the exact same situation happened to me, except I was in an actual relationship with the guy. We had been friends for years, he got divorced (not for me, but he told me later his wife thought that we had been having an affair and was threatened by me - we hadn't). We later got into a relationship, she came back (I did not know that at the time) and he vanished! Not one word. I found out through fb - which he has now blocked me from.

 

Part of me can understand that she would not allow me in the picture. It doesn't take the blame off him for the way he handled the situation though. It would have been one conversation that would have made things not so awful and depression-inducing for me. Sorry you're going through this.

 

Lily,

 

What did you find through Facebook? Does it say your ex is in a relationship with his ex? Or is there a lot of recent posting/pics between the both of them? Just comparing this to my situation.

[lilyblue]

Lily,

 

What did you find through Facebook? Does it say your ex is in a relationship with his ex? Or is there a lot of recent posting/pics between the both of them? Just comparing this to my situation.

 

It was actually more digging on my part, I was kind of frantically trying to find answers since he completely out of the blue stopped talking to me. It was on her fb... a mention of being at one of his work events, she later popped up on my fb as friending one of my friends (that she wouldn't know except through him, and he didn't know the guy while they had been together before). And from there the little clues just continued. Just little things that other people wouldn't notice, but added up in the end.

[yolatanga]

Almost the exact same situation happened to me, except I was in an actual relationship with the guy. We had been friends for years, he got divorced (not for me, but he told me later his wife thought that we had been having an affair and was threatened by me - we hadn't). We later got into a relationship, she came back (I did not know that at the time) and he vanished! Not one word. I found out through fb - which he has now blocked me from.

 

Part of me can understand that she would not allow me in the picture. It doesn't take the blame off him for the way he handled the situation though. It would have been one conversation that would have made things not so awful and depression-inducing for me. Sorry you're going through this.

 

Thanks and thanks to everyone else for their advice, I really appreciate it

 

I hear you. Why couldn't they just tell you? That's horrible what he did after two yrs. Not fair. One convo avoids of a lot pain that lasts a little too long IMO. With my guy I told him this would happen and he said "I was analyzing too much and he was not going back to her". I dropped it. We hung on the Sunday before Xmas. Had a blast. The week before that we spent a lot more time together and he got jealous when I was talking to guys while we were out. He made us leave. Why? if he doesn't have feelings for me that way.

 

Next thing you know..gone. I can't believe I didn't even know it. I was wishing him Merry Xmas and then on New Yrs Eve. I was shocked about him not wishing me merry xmas back. Kinda mean, but I made an excuse for that. Busy with his kids. It wasn't until New Yrs day that I was at my best friends house for party which of course he'd be invited to...he answered her knowing full well I was there.

 

Why do I feel like I'm being punished? I'm almost starting to think he is mad at me.

[yolatanga]

It was actually more digging on my part, I was kind of frantically trying to find answers since he completely out of the blue stopped talking to me. It was on her fb... a mention of being at one of his work events, she later popped up on my fb as friending one of my friends (that she wouldn't know except through him, and he didn't know the guy while they had been together before). And from there the little clues just continued. Just little things that other people wouldn't notice, but added up in the end.

 

Hurts to find out, but at least you did. My situation my guy or whatever the hell he was because now I don't know. Just a play thing in the mean time I guess. It's like 6 degrees of seperatation around here. Everyone knows each other and there aren't that many places to hang out. So if he goes back with her I would find out. I'd either run into them or one of our mutual friends would tell.

 

Background on him. Bad divorce since his wife cheated on him. He has two kids. He met this girl who used to live here too. Her friends and family hate him for breaking her heart 4 times. Now they hate him even more because of me. He doesn't want to get married, she does. His kids hate her so he can't have them around her. Those problems are not going away. So if he goes back they'd have to hide it from everyone. Sounds grand doesn't it?..NOT! Good riddence. He'll dump her again no doubt. Oh well.

[lilyblue]

Thanks and thanks to everyone else for their advice, I really appreciate it

 

I hear you. Why couldn't they just tell you? That's horrible what he did after two yrs. Not fair. One convo avoids of a lot pain that lasts a little too long IMO. With my guy I told him this would happen and he said "I was analyzing too much and he was not going back to her". I dropped it. We hung on the Sunday before Xmas. Had a blast. The week before that we spent a lot more time together and he got jealous when I was talking to guys while we were out. He made us leave. Why? if he doesn't have feelings for me that way.

 

Next thing you know..gone. I can't believe I didn't even know it. I was wishing him Merry Xmas and then on New Yrs Eve. I was shocked about him not wishing me merry xmas back. Kinda mean, but I made an excuse for that. Busy with his kids. It wasn't until New Yrs day that I was at my best friends house for party which of course he'd be invited to...he answered her knowing full well I was there.

 

Why do I feel like I'm being punished? I'm almost starting to think he is mad at me.

 

I gave mine an "out" too! I told him that we didn't have to date if something wasn't working for him (his communication had changed a bit in the days previous) and that I just didn't want to be strung along. He said he wanted to date me, liked me too much to do that to me, not to worry, blah blah blah. He went on a business trip the next week and the day he got back home was the last I ever heard from him -that his plane had landed. He had said so many times in the context of our friendship that he was over her, so glad to be out of that relationship, etc, etc.

 

I hate the feelings when they turn inward and you start to blame yourself - don't do it! Your imagination can run wild with excuses for him, I think that's one of the harder parts.

 

We have a ton of mutual friends too, I'm sure to see him around.

[yolatanga]

I gave mine an "out" too! I told him that we didn't have to date if something wasn't working for him (his communication had changed a bit in the days previous) and that I just didn't want to be strung along. He said he wanted to date me, liked me too much to do that to me, not to worry, blah blah blah. He went on a business trip the next week and the day he got back home was the last I ever heard from him -that his plane had landed. He had said so many times in the context of our friendship that he was over her, so glad to be out of that relationship, etc, etc.

 

I hate the feelings when they turn inward and you start to blame yourself - don't do it! Your imagination can run wild with excuses for him, I think that's one of the harder parts.

 

We have a ton of mutual friends too, I'm sure to see him around.

 

I'm tryng not to stress too much. It comes and goes. If he wants to be that jerk everyone said he would turn out to be so be it. When I see him. He does not exist. I certainly won't do the two faced thing like he pulled in me in front of our friends. Hate that. I'm just thankful I let him know I've moved on already and wished him well. (secretly I hope it bugs him) Tonight I will go out and be my normal happy self. you should too.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

The truth is on both sides of the pond, most people (but not all) don't really fall in love with the respective person but instead love a facet of their personality or enjoy a regaling element UNTIL they feel bored with that aspect and just well shut off from it. Be it the attention you give them, make them laugh, or if you give them great sex..... They don't care about the individual beneath that quality, just that it gives them momentary pleasure until something better comes along... and untill that better things comes along they see it as "well you will do". Ofc when they feel something of better value traipses their way, then expect the oft-response...

 

 

Speaking as a guy, ALOT of girls have done this to me too (one so she could hide that she was a lesbian untill she got confident with her sexuality, one because she didnt want to be alone, as well as my recent ex because she loved how I was intrigued with her interests and showed her A LOT of attention, ect,ect) so really I wouldn't limit my pigeonholing to encompass just one gender ( thought tbh I understand that because they are the source of the hurt, and tbh I also have to stop the temptation to condemn as my gender can be just as bad too..) I would go a step further and say a lot of people are like this.. they are fickle ( as I always say.. I know but it's true)

 

I guess you have to learn the cues when it comes to mixing up a person who loves you against a person who just loves what you offer them temporarily.... sad but true..

[whoareu]

Yolatanga, your guy sounds very similar to a guy I knew. He just stopped contacting me out of the blue too, after telling me how he 'couldn't wait to see me!!". That was last I heard of him, until I received a few 'breadcrumbs'. Of course, I didn't know what breadcrumbs were until I found this site. And I didn't know he was playing me. I cared for him deeply. I just didn't think he was ready for anything serious, so I tried not to come on too strong. We had fun together and kept in touch constantly. Then, poof, gone... I find out months later that he met someone and a couple months after that, he's engaged to her. I know how it makes you feel. Used and dumped when something better comes along. He's 45 too. I still get upset because I can't stop thinking about him, and wonder why I wasn't good enough for him. He treated me like a princess when I was with him. Told me constantly how beautiful and sexy I was. It stinks when they think it's okay to just disappear and act like you never mattered at all. I could never do that to anyone. It's rude and cowardly. The practical side of me knows that I need to let him go and get on with my life. He's a jerk to the core. But my heart feels what it feels. I've discovered you can't help how you feel. It seems like the more I try to let him go, the harder it is to forget him. We'll probably never know how they really felt about us.

[yolatanga]

Yolatanga, your guy sounds very similar to a guy I knew. He just stopped contacting me out of the blue too, after telling me how he 'couldn't wait to see me!!". That was last I heard of him, until I received a few 'breadcrumbs'. Of course, I didn't know what breadcrumbs were until I found this site. And I didn't know he was playing me. I cared for him deeply. I just didn't think he was ready for anything serious, so I tried not to come on too strong. We had fun together and kept in touch constantly. Then, poof, gone... I find out months later that he met someone and a couple months after that, he's engaged to her. I know how it makes you feel. Used and dumped when something better comes along. He's 45 too. I still get upset because I can't stop thinking about him, and wonder why I wasn't good enough for him. He treated me like a princess when I was with him. Told me constantly how beautiful and sexy I was. It stinks when they think it's okay to just disappear and act like you never mattered at all. I could never do that to anyone. It's rude and cowardly. The practical side of me knows that I need to let him go and get on with my life. He's a jerk to the core. But my heart feels what it feels. I've discovered you can't help how you feel. It seems like the more I try to let him go, the harder it is to forget him. We'll probably never know how they really felt about us.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Stinks to be used. Hope you find someone who deserves you. My guy was a mess. One minute he wanted me and the next he didn't. It was very problematic. So this is for the best. I deserve better so if he wants be a coward that just makes him look bad. I laugh at how he has to do all this work now to avoid me while I change nothing.