Should I stay or should I go?

[Lost in a Soap Opera]

I've been married for several years. My wife and I were living together for several years prior to that. Several months before getting married, I left for a while. I didn't feel completely comfortable with the relationship. After being "away", I thought we might could work things out, but she basically would only allow the relationship to continue if marriage was in the near future. Thinking I was over that "uncomfortable" feeling, I agreed, and assumed things would work out.

 

About a year after getting married, I started seeing another woman. Just one of those things that happened. Her and I work together and spent a lot of time together, working late, hanging out at company functions, etc. As time went along, conversations became more personal, casual contact had more of a meaning, and one thing led to the other. At first I figured it would blow over. She knows I'm married, and actually knows my wife pretty well. Figured it might last a few weeks or a month, before one of us came to our senses. Well that was two years ago, and things are much more intense now.

 

I started to consider leaving my wife. If I have been seeing someone else for the better part of the time we've been married, then something is not right. I actually told someone a while back that the reason I got married was because it was easier than the alternative. I was talking about moving out on my own, and all the stuff that comes with breaking up. Now, I really believe it was more of thinking it was easier to say yes than putting her through the hurt of breaking up. I really don't like confrontation. Problem is that while I didn't want to hurt her "then", it may not have been the best answer for the long term.

 

With all that said, the plot thickens. I just found out my wife is pregnant. My "girlfriend" (for lack of a better term) and I have talked about this. She said she is willing to step out of the way if I decide to stay with my wife, but I can't say that's what I want. I do love my "girlfriend" and think I am more concerned about hurting her more than all. I've had much more fun over the past two years with her, than my wife. I've heard psychologist say that you should not tell your spouse about an affair, because it will only hurt them. Just figure out what's wrong with the marriage in the first place. I'm not so sure I want to fix it. If I don't tell my wife about the affair, then she will assume that we can work it out. She told me long ago that if I ever cheated on her, she wouldn't tolerate it, and we'd be through. (Guess that shows how much I respect her word.)

 

My wife does have some health issues that I am legitimately concerned about. She hasn't worked for over a year. And we are just barely scraping by financially right now. On top of this, I threw out some concerns about our relationship the other day. So, it sure isn't the best time to be pregnant. She was upset, and asked if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I told her I didn't think that was an option for her, but didn't really answer the question. Since I was already considering leaving, then yes this is an option I would consider, but how do you tell that to someone that has been wanting a baby for a while.

 

So, after you finish bashing me for being the typical lying, cheating, male that I am, I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to handle any of the above issues.

[Nina]

Regardless of your feelings for either woman, the issue really is you. Not being bad, or lying or cheating, but why you feel vaguely dissatisfied.

 

Studies show that for the most part, those who divorce their spouses for non-violent issues and start new relationships find themselves, after a "honeymoon" period that can last anywhere from a few days to a few years, in the same predicament they were with the first relationship. The same problems linger because the origin is internal, rather than external.

 

So I would recommend that you spend time really thinking about what it is you want adn what it is that's missing. Your fear of confrontation, like addiction, isn't the problem but a symptom of a deeper issue. I say this because there is no mention of loving either woman. Only of enjoying company, feeling good and fear of confrontation. Granted you may think this was a mere literary mistake, but it's what (in archaic terms) we could refer to as a "freudian slip". We sometimes do things unconsciously that reveal our inner internal state.

 

If necessary, seek counseling. Not for a huge issue, but to have an objective sounding board that has experience and training in helping people dig out their inner motivations. It will help you to establish a sense of inner balance that will aid in discovering who you are adn why you want the things you want.

 

Above all, reflect. Few people understand themselves and most spend their lives distracting themselves with company, work, children and the mundane activities of day-to-day living.

 

The key is understnading why ou do the things you do, not what you should do. When you understand the why, the what follows quite naturally.

[J]

I am trying not to be too judgemental in my response here, but yours is a case where deception and lies has backfired big time!

 

Whatever your personal issues are, regarding these two women, you need to realise that a third player has come into the picture, and that is your unborn child. Don't for one minute think that a child will fix a dysfunctional relationship. Children are an enormous responsibility, and if your wife goes ahead with this pregnancy, she will need your support in every sense of the word. Pregnancy is a time of huge emotional fluctuations, and life with a new baby is exhausting and demanding, both physically and emotionally.

 

I really think that you should get some courage, and tell your wife what is going on in your life. It will hurt her, and cause pain and heartache for you both, but you need to give her the chance to decide whether or not she goes on the with pregnancy. It sounds to me like you have emotionally left this relationship anyway, and you are just looking for the right time to leave. You don't sound like you want to be there anyway, in fact you say that you are not sure if you want to fix things. I think that it's only a matter of time. Give your wife a chance to decide whether or not she wants to be a single mom for the rest of her life. It is an ominous task, and you should be man enough to at least give her the opportunity to choose, and not wait until she has no choice.

 

No offence, but you seem to me like you are really thinking about yourself mostly here. Although you have some concerns for your wife, you can't screw around for your whole marriage and not have any consequences. If you want to be with the other woman, don't screw your wife around any more than you already have. Get some guts and tell her what is going on and don't condemn her to a life of hardship because of your dishonesty. There will never be an easy time to deal with this situation, at least in the early stages of pregnancy you are leaving her with some options.

[J]

I re-read my previous post, and I think that it probably swayed very much towards the fact that you are thinking about leaving your wife.

 

If you 100%, really really think that you can make your relationship work with your wife, then I think that you should try, for the sake of her, your child, and yourself.

 

Only you know what lies within your heart, and how you feel about your wife. If you can't give her the committment that she deserves, then do everyone a favour and confront the situation immediately. Really how you feel about the "girlfriend" should not be your highest priority right now. Your wife carries your child and your biggest obligation is to try and sort out that situation before you even worry what the future hold with the "gf".

[Jenna]

Well, so far-everyone has managed to remain fairly tactful in their responses to you- lets see if I can accomplish the same....... no promises though.

 

Okay- you got married for the wrong reason- thats understandable- your wife (then girlfriend) gave you an ultimatum - hoping you would either "sh*t or get off the pot"- and all you did was sh*t on HER instead. (Note: that was not one of the options)

 

When are you going to take responsibility for your actions?? You have been heading down a dead end road and dragging everyone else along with you- now here you are.... at the end of the road- with your wife, your girlfriend and your child- and you want an easy way out. Wouldn't it be nice if there was one?? There isn't- and no matter who you ask- you aren't going to find any magic words to get yourself out of this without hurting everyone involved. (The only comfort to "us" here in this forum is that you are one of the people that will feel pain)

 

If you stay- you are doing a great disservice to your wife. She does not deserve to be tied to someone who doesn't care about her. You talked about not hurting her- but you don't care about hurting her. You said that if you tell her- it will hurt her- and that is what bothers you. If the truth were told- the thing that you are MOST concerned with is- how YOU will feel if you tell her. You know that you will feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what you have done to the life of this person- and you "should" feel guilty. It was more wrong that words can express. So- here you are.... thinking of yourself again.

 

And what kind of environment would your child be exposed to? You would ultimately be teaching him that love and committment is not required in a marriage. Do you know what kind of damage is caused to a child's mind when he never witnesses his parents as a loving and secure couple?? When all he sees is two people living separate lives- and Daddy is always gone- and Mommy is sad because Daddy doesn't love her?? My God- it is so cruel.

 

Your wife has a right to know what kind of man she is married to. Thus far she has based her decisions about the marriage on the assumption that you are an honest and respectable man. She deserves to know about you-so she can (for once in her life) base her decisions on the truth.

 

There was some debate on this site the other day about whether or not to keep your mouth shut about an affair. But I think that the opinions were more or less based on the idea that the affair was short lived if not one night stand situation. In other words- a mistake. Your's is not a mistake- you have known for years now exactly what you are doing- you have made a conscious and repeated decision to be unfaithful- instead of seeking a divorce and letting your wife have the chance to meet someone who will love and respect her as a wife and a person.

 

Stop making this about you- for once in your life- TRULY consider someone else- and do the right thing!! If she decides to continue the pregnancy- you will have a responsibility to provide for and protect your child- which I sincerely hope that you are able to do.

 

I feel so sorry for your wife- she has wasted all these years on someone who has lied to her, cheated on her, disrespected her and I just hope that when she looks into the eyes of her child- she can see some glimmer of good from this horror of a life you have subjected her to.

 

Jenna

I am trying not to be too judgemental in my response here, but yours is a case where deception and lies has backfired big time! Whatever your personal issues are, regarding these two women, you need to realise that a third player has come into the picture, and that is your unborn child. Don't for one minute think that a child will fix a dysfunctional relationship. Children are an enormous responsibility, and if your wife goes ahead with this pregnancy, she will need your support in every sense of the word. Pregnancy is a time of huge emotional fluctuations, and life with a new baby is exhausting and demanding, both physically and emotionally. I really think that you should get some courage, and tell your wife what is going on in your life. It will hurt her, and cause pain and heartache for you both, but you need to give her the chance to decide whether or not she goes on the with pregnancy. It sounds to me like you have emotionally left this relationship anyway, and you are just looking for the right time to leave. You don't sound like you want to be there anyway, in fact you say that you are not sure if you want to fix things. I think that it's only a matter of time. Give your wife a chance to decide whether or not she wants to be a single mom for the rest of her life. It is an ominous task, and you should be man enough to at least give her the opportunity to choose, and not wait until she has no choice.

 

No offence, but you seem to me like you are really thinking about yourself mostly here. Although you have some concerns for your wife, you can't screw around for your whole marriage and not have any consequences. If you want to be with the other woman, don't screw your wife around any more than you already have. Get some guts and tell her what is going on and don't condemn her to a life of hardship because of your dishonesty. There will never be an easy time to deal with this situation, at least in the early stages of pregnancy you are leaving her with some options.

[Heather]

Well done Jenna! I don't think I could have said it better myself!

Well, so far-everyone has managed to remain fairly tactful in their responses to you- lets see if I can accomplish the same....... no promises though. Okay- you got married for the wrong reason- thats understandable- your wife (then girlfriend) gave you an ultimatum - hoping you would either "sh*t or get off the pot"- and all you did was sh*t on HER instead. (Note: that was not one of the options) When are you going to take responsibility for your actions?? You have been heading down a dead end road and dragging everyone else along with you- now here you are.... at the end of the road- with your wife, your girlfriend and your child- and you want an easy way out. Wouldn't it be nice if there was one?? There isn't- and no matter who you ask- you aren't going to find any magic words to get yourself out of this without hurting everyone involved. (The only comfort to "us" here in this forum is that you are one of the people that will feel pain) If you stay- you are doing a great disservice to your wife. She does not deserve to be tied to someone who doesn't care about her. You talked about not hurting her- but you don't care about hurting her. You said that if you tell her- it will hurt her- and that is what bothers you. If the truth were told- the thing that you are MOST concerned with is- how YOU will feel if you tell her. You know that you will feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what you have done to the life of this person- and you "should" feel guilty. It was more wrong that words can express. So- here you are.... thinking of yourself again. And what kind of environment would your child be exposed to? You would ultimately be teaching him that love and committment is not required in a marriage. Do you know what kind of damage is caused to a child's mind when he never witnesses his parents as a loving and secure couple?? When all he sees is two people living separate lives- and Daddy is always gone- and Mommy is sad because Daddy doesn't love her?? My God- it is so cruel.

 

Your wife has a right to know what kind of man she is married to. Thus far she has based her decisions about the marriage on the assumption that you are an honest and respectable man. She deserves to know about you-so she can (for once in her life) base her decisions on the truth.

 

There was some debate on this site the other day about whether or not to keep your mouth shut about an affair. But I think that the opinions were more or less based on the idea that the affair was short lived if not one night stand situation. In other words- a mistake. Your's is not a mistake- you have known for years now exactly what you are doing- you have made a conscious and repeated decision to be unfaithful- instead of seeking a divorce and letting your wife have the chance to meet someone who will love and respect her as a wife and a person. Stop making this about you- for once in your life- TRULY consider someone else- and do the right thing!! If she decides to continue the pregnancy- you will have a responsibility to provide for and protect your child- which I sincerely hope that you are able to do. I feel so sorry for your wife- she has wasted all these years on someone who has lied to her, cheated on her, disrespected her and I just hope that when she looks into the eyes of her child- she can see some glimmer of good from this horror of a life you have subjected her to. Jenna