Do you feel dissapointed if things don't turn out exactly as planned?

[Thinkalot]

Or...do you make the best of it, roll with the punches, adapt to the situation, and come out smiling anyway?

 

As some of you may be aware, I'm a good roll in my life right now, and I am enjoying it while it lasts. I have also been making a HUGE effort to be more positive, and more easy going in life in general. And so far, it's paying off, because it seems to be lifting my spirits, and those of the people around me. Plus, good things are happening in my life in general (at work, in my studies, in my personal life etc).

 

Nevertheless, I am aware that I am still a bit of a perfectionist, with VERY high expectations, and if things don't go exactly as planned, I tend to get a little dissapointed, or focus on the negative. I also worry about whether things match up to my expectations, or even other people's expectations. I then have to make an effort to switch my thinking around.

My fiance is not like this. He has lower expectations, rolls with things, and usually sees the positive in something, without dwelling on the negative. Eg. we recently went to a concert which we'd been looking forward to. On the way, we got lost, started arguing, and instead of arriving in time to eat dinner, as planned, we only just made the concert on time, and felt quite frazzled. Now, at the end of the concert, we both agreed it was great. But I was still a little upset that the overall night was not what we'd planned...we hadn't had the dinner etc, and plus, we'd had an argument, and I was still a bit upset about that. My fiance on the other hand, said, "it's a shame we got lost, but the night turned out fine". Eventually, of course, I changed my thinking too.

 

Just wondering, which type are you? And if you tend to worry, and be a perfectionist, and set your expectations too high...how do you get over that, or adjust?

[moimeme]

Well, I may sometimes be a little disappointed - or even a lot - but I also know that life has a way of throwing the proverbial monkey wrench in one's plans and there's not much point in railing at one's fate. Often, new plans work out better anyway.

 

A whole bunch of years ago, I attended a concert given by an amateur band. I found myself being critical of the band, because I'd attended a number of concerts at the National Arts Centre given by professional musicians - and these folks weren't as good. Some angel caused me to think the following "the NAC artists are highly-paid professionals, so of course they will be better. If you are going to go through life expecting only the best, you'll be miserable because the best is not common. So learn to find something to enjoy about whatever is right in front of you'. I'll always bless Whoever put that thought into my noggin because it stuck. Now, I'm not saying that I'll eat the worst food and love it but I'll try to find something to enjoy in whatever I'm doing. Consequently, I'm almost always happy because there is almost always something to find to enjoy.

 

Now. Would you rather be happy almost always, or miserable often? Since I'm a junkie for joy, I've chosen A. I have had to get ok with the idea that, like Mick sings 'you cain't always get whut you wa-ant'. I think it is one of the biggest secrets to living a happy life.

[Thinkalot]

It's a good way of thinking for sure Merry.

 

My fiance always says to me, if you can at least find one thing good about the experience, then it was a good experience. It is a radically different way of viewing things than the way I often do. I'm learning to change though, and gee, it makes the world a happier place. Does it get easier in time to be that positive Merry? To actually be happy and content even when things aren't as you imagined?

 

I've noticed that my mum is often quite negative and a worrier too, and I'm sure we pick up habits and so on from our parents. I think previously I was too close to her to see objectively. Now I realise when I'm getting frustrated with her for being too much of a worrier, or for being negative, that I sometimes do exactly the same thing! She also makes decisions based on emotion, which I also do, sometimes without thinking through first.

My partner on the other hand, thinks things through carefully. It's been interesting learning more about ourselves through our differences, and also learning more about the way my parents act, and how that can influence me too.

[moimeme]

Does it get easier in time to be that positive Merry? To actually be happy and content even when things aren't as you imagined?

 

It's much more pleasant. Any particular reason you can think of for choosing an unpleasant feeling over a pleasant one?

 

Try doing some reading on Buddhism. There's a lot there about letting go of expectations. Why even have them? Any good reason you can think of?

 

I've noticed that my mum is often quite negative and a worrier too, and I'm sure we pick up habits and so on from our parents.

 

Or we do our darndest to avoid them. My mother could find the cloud in every silver lining. I swore I'd never be that way. As Tony often says; we only have a brief moment here. Why spoil it? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow - having spent one good evening of your life not having enjoyed everything you could that happened that evening. We could be struck with horrid illnesses - in my case, there could be a real bad earthquake which might wipe me out. I don't want to expend any precious moments in misery if I can help it.

 

This doesn't mean I'm never down - but usually it's to do with things hormonal or I've not eaten well or enough and I figure that out and try to do something to fix it. Life really is too short.

 

She also makes decisions based on emotion, which I also do, sometimes without thinking through first.

 

We all do that - but the thing to do when that happens is engage brain as soon as you can to sort out why the emotions probably were taking you the wrong way. And sometimes brain won't cooperate, but if you give it a good talking-to, it may come around. The same doesn't go for the OCD, of course - it's harder to beat that down.

[Thinkalot]

This whole thinking positive thing is going well for me so far. I've tried it in bursts before, but I'm trying to be more consistent this time. It also seems to help at least distract me from the OCD thoughts...it's a pretty good way of reminding myself I'm wasting precious time, even if sometimes my brain wins out for just a while.

 

It seems a do well for a while, then slip back into old habits. But I'm sure practice will make perfect. And I really don't want to keep losing time worrying. Or missing out on a good experience because I am too busy noticing what is NOT right about it.

[CurlyIam]

In refference to your first post there: I used to do exactly what you did. even worst: be a bit resentful if it didn't came out exactly as I wanted it to. My ex taught me this lesson: he told what Merry told you, that if I choose to be miserable, I could do that by staying at home.

 

But if I decided to get out, no matter how good you plan it, there are always some elements of impredictability! Always! I usually enjoy it, but when I'm tired or stressed, I tend to react really badly ! This lesson helped me a lot now: for instance, imagine not seeing your bf for 2 weeks, go out for a nice pizza and a movie and run around for an hour and a half to find a parking place!

 

It happenes! I also suspect it has a lot to do with expectations from the other person. It's very good to have high expectation, but it pays much better just living what you have together than constantly measuring it to how you want it or to what you want it to be!

 

As we don't spend mich time together, I may find it easier to live upon my own advice! I'm sure you'll find a way to do it too! Just try not to spoil special moments, no matter how dissapointed you are! Special moments, these can be the one saving a relationship, at a certain point .

 

Be strong, Thinkalot, and most importantly, be happy!!!!

[NatoPMT]

Hi Thinkalot

 

I have been making massive massive bounds in leaving behind negativity, 9 months ago i made some huge decisions about what i wanted, and walking along the shady side of the street i decided was the last place i wanted to be.

 

my natural inclination is to be miserable. i love it, in a i-hate-it-kind of way. The negativity tends to persist in the areas of my life i judge myself on - where i get my self esteem. So, i have a career and i am successful at work, but i dont give a damn about how far i can get, i have an exceptionally positive outlook - same with my family, we arent close but i like them, hence i bat off comments about my new coat looking 'tarty' (as my mother said to me last week after not seeing her for 6 months) - completely doesnt bother me. But relationships and friendships i am working on, with i can proudly add, some lovely shiny results.

 

Does it get easier in time to be that positive Merry? To actually be happy and content even when things aren't as you imagined?

 

yes yes yes. the brambles are starting to grow over my well trodden path of negativity, i still find it easier, when emotionally threatened, to slip back into a nightmarish pit of black tar, the more i struggle, the deeper i get pulled in. But, i employ the tactics i have used over the last 9 months, and its getting easier & easier to stay in the good place. its a case of believing my own propaganda.

 

even if sometimes my brain wins out for just a while.

 

what i dont understand is why its easier to slip back into a destructive thought pattern than maintain a positive one. your life becomes so much easier and more manageable when you are positive, you are happier, more relaxed, so why is it easier to take the harder path than to be happy? i think its because is literally what you are used to, and creating new neuron pathways and therefore new ways of thinking is the path of most resistance, even if the rewards should make it seem like the path of least resistance.

 

when that happens engage brain as soon as you can to sort out why the emotions probably were taking you the wrong way

 

thats my mantra. remove self from situation, think about it until i have thought myself right again. if i actively and consciously realise my negativity, i can quite easily beat it into submission with logic, then allow my emotions to take over, and by that time i am usually so pleased i have overcome the negative, that i get a burst of euphoria.

 

Or missing out on a good experience because I am too busy noticing what is NOT right about it.

 

I have added that to my keep-saying-it-and-you-believe-it list. Because i have found, that if i DO keep saying it, i end up believing it.

 

BB

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Or...do you make the best of it, roll with the punches, adapt to the situation, and come out smiling anyway?

 

Just wondering, which type are you? And if you tend to worry, and be a perfectionist, and set your expectations too high...how do you get over that, or adjust?

 

Both. When I was younger I would get more upset more often, but as I get older and experience more I get less upset and more disappointed. I no longer expect anything. I don't expect to pay $1.95 for gas tomorrow just because that's what I paid for it today. Life is like that.

 

Do I worry sometimes? Yes, but not about anything important. Will I make enough money this month to pay the mortgage? Hopefully. I worry just enough to figure out what I need to do to pay the bills. Sometimes I'll vent about it a little -- usually here on LS! But really, if I lose the house--so what?

 

We are all so different. If I had not already experienced the worst I would probably still worry about the 'what if's' but since I have already experienced the worst possible thing in life -- twice -- why worry. I know that there will be unbearable pain ahead of me and somehow my body survives it. I have no choice but to 'go with the flow'.

 

I do the best I can and I quit worrying or wondering if my best was good enough for others. If its good enough for me that is all that matters.

[BK Girl]

So what are some of the tactics that you use to overcome negative thoughts? I've also been a really cynical person my whole life and I've started realizing that its made me really unhappy...so I've been on this path of self improvement and trying to change my thinking. I find that turning my negative thoughts into positive ones is a bit tough as I'm so wired to see the negative point of whatever is happening in my life. What are some things that have helped?

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by BK Girl

So what are some of the tactics that you use to overcome negative thoughts? I've also been a really cynical person my whole life and I've started realizing that its made me really unhappy...so I've been on this path of self improvement and trying to change my thinking. I find that turning my negative thoughts into positive ones is a bit tough as I'm so wired to see the negative point of whatever is happening in my life. What are some things that have helped?

 

I wouldn't want anyone to have the thrust upon them what I had to deal with. Although I was a cynic even before. I was tought and brought up to plan for the worst and to NEVER expect anything good, that way when the worst happens you are not disappointed and when the good happens it is made all the more wonderful and becomes a cherished memory. (wonderful being raised by a depressed / bi-polar parent with the other parent totally paralyzed from MS and on a Stryker frame in a bedroom! I don't know why I'm not a serial killer. ) Anyway, I have a lot of cherished memories, little Kodak Mind-Moments that are all my own.

 

I guess just focus on something positive. Watch the old Pollyanna movie and learn to play the Glad Game. That used to work for me. I'm glad for the time I had with my children. I'm glad my mom and I are so close and I get to have her living with me until she is gone, and don't have to hear about it and miss out on being with her. I hold on to those thoughts and remind myself of that every single day.

[yes]

Don't plan! That's my solution to not being disappointed. Sure, make SOME plans, but always keep them tentative, i.e. that's the general plan, subject to change any minute.

 

As for me, I do plan quite a bit, and just recently learned what a waste of time it often is: life comes along and changes it all around. I like to plan in the sense of thinking abt what i'd like/have to do in the upcoming, say, week - but it's always just a bag of things, never particularly ordered.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Thinkalot]

Thanks. I've really enjoyed reading what everyone has had to say here. It all makes sense. I shall keep on with my new positive approach.

 

My OCD makes it harder sometimes, because my brain tends to act up on its own...but that's getting better and better now too.

 

Do y ou find you can actually change your perceptions of something even after the event? ie...maybe you had a night out that wasn't great, and you got down about it. But then with a bit of effort, you find things to be happy about the night, and so your perception of it changes?

[Thinkalot]

One other thing...did those of you who have managed to turn your negative thinking to positive thinking, then beat up on yourself for your wasted time worrying or being negative?? Or is that like defeating the purpose?! LOL!

[CurlyIam]

Sure, my ex even made me feel guilty for not enjoying the wonderful evening more . That's exactly what it is, you didn't get to enjoy that day because of your insecurity or discontent. But memories, like a beautifull sunset or a quiet night, can be enjoyed later and treasured, even if on that particular time, they told you nothing. You isolate that action (day, concert, evenind) from your emotional state at the time and view it objectively. Of course, the pleasure may be grately diminished, but there is pleasure.

 

I think everyone does it, consciously or not! Give greater importance to certain events in their past, re-live them and enjoy them ....

[johan]

My fiance is not like this. He has lower expectations, rolls with things, and usually sees the positive in something, without dwelling on the negative.

 

How come no one challenged this? Who agrees "he has lower expectations"? Not me. This is just a matter of perspective. Here's my take on it. He is not more of an optimist than you are, Thinkalot. He just has a different focus. When you get lost on the way to the concert, are you concerned that the journey didn't go well? Or do you think that getting there with your sweetheart and spending a nice evening is more important? Are you concerned with the details or are you concerned with the big picture? I think if you could focus more on the big picture, you'd be just as positive as he is about stuff. If he focused on the details like you do, he'd be just as disappointed as you get. Maybe if you just look up, you'll feel better about stuff.

[johan]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe he has HIGHER standards. Maybe he is less willing to let little things cloud his view of what his ultimate goal is. Which he has achieved by being with you. So if the trip to the concert doesn't go well, at least he still has you. Compared to that, the other little challenges mean nothing.

[Thinkalot]

That's a good point...and probably spot on. He does tend to focus on the bigger picture, without getting stuck in the details, something I am slowly learning to do.

[moimeme]

Having expectations is another form of control. You picture an event in all its detail, and then want it to transpire exactly as you planned. Once I realized that wanting life to go 'my way' was awful selfish, not to mention presumptuous of me, it helped to change my attitude. Who, after all, am I to insist that things be the way *I* want - especially when others are involved? Not that I was ever that awful LOL but, to me, being disappointed about things translates to wanting it my way.

 

This doesn't mean you never have hopes or aspirations, but know that sometimes things will fall in place the way you hoped and many others they won't and both situations are as they should be.

 

Do y ou find you can actually change your perceptions of something even after the event? ie...maybe you had a night out that wasn't great, and you got down about it. But then with a bit of effort, you find things to be happy about the night, and so your perception of it changes?

 

Yes, though now I usually manage to do that at the time rather than afterwards.

 

One other thing...did those of you who have managed to turn your negative thinking to positive thinking, then beat up on yourself for your wasted time worrying or being negative?? Or is that like defeating the purpose?! LOL!

 

You do the best you could at any time in your life. See, you have to develop the habit of looking at the plus side. You could have lived your whole life miserable - now there's hope you'll be happier and that's the thing to focus on; not what you did wrong but what you will do right.

[krbshappy71]

I've noticed that my mum is often quite negative and a worrier too, and I'm sure we pick up habits and so on from our parents. I think previously I was too close to her to see objectively. Now I realise when I'm getting frustrated with her for being too much of a worrier, or for being negative, that I sometimes do exactly the same thing! She also makes decisions based on emotion, which I also do, sometimes without thinking through first.

 

Do we have the same mother? Are we sisters? I cringed just reading this. I am currently distancing myself from my mother in an attempt to get away from this hell.

 

As far as negative thoughts go, I have literally had to reprogram myself. I saw negative in everything, including my poor kids. Went to parenting classes which helped reprogram that part of my brain, once I learned to see the positive in them, I just tried to focus on the positive in other situations. Sometimes, though, I think I am joking around and being positive but really it is sarcasm, which is not exactly positive humor. So I have to watch that, still, because too much of it isn't really funny afterall. Its just a lighter way of being negative.

 

I don't know if I'm OCD but I do get anxiety-type attacks where I think about something and can't let go of it. Let's say the bf makes a comment that sticks in my head. Again. and again. and again. Drives me insane. So my latest tactic that has seemed to REALLY help when its something I seem stuck on, is physical activity. Jump on my bike, vacuum the house, scrub floors, something VERY physically stimulating. Not something slow and boring, that will just keep my wheels in my head turning. It has to be something that will blast out those thoughts. LOUD music (if I'm driving and can't do something physical at the time I'm bothered) seems to really help also. Then, when I realize the obsessing has subsided I fill my mind with the most positive thoughts I can come up with. If its something someone has said to me that is bothering me, I try and think of the most positive reason they may have said that to me. Does this make sense? "Assume their best intentions, not their worse."

Okay. Now I will click "submit reply" and obsess over how this sounded. HA!!! Just kiddin. (actually that is what will happen come to think of it.....)

[dyermaker]

Do you feel dissapointed if things don't turn out exactly as planned?

Yes.

[Thinkalot]

krbshappy...It can be tough when people around us worry a lot. Although I must say my mum is a truly great mum and we are still very close. I am just aware now that she can sometimes worry too much, or notice the negative of a situation.

 

dyermaker...a man of many words in this instance.

 

moi...thanks for helping me not beat up on myself. I am very good at that