Very Insecure Girl.........?

[AwptiK]

This is kind of a read, but please please help me out on this, I don't know what to do.

 

To save a lot of background, this girl and I were practically dating for a little over a month. Regular kissing, talking all the time, nightly phone calls, you name it. We did have a "talk", in which we agreed to go slowly and let it flow however it does. Exclusiveness was an understanding I thought we had, because I know kissing means a lot to both of us, so when that became a regular thing, I stopped anything else.

 

 

She, is very very insecure. She needs to hear that she's wanted and desired. And as I found out, she'll go to other guys for it. She's also very sensitive, which you'll see in the story.

 

 

She's a coworker, and I was working the morning shift at work, on NYE. She was coming in to close at 3, and so we sat in the office for a bit and talked. One of the first things she says is asking if I have plans for NYE. I said, "Why, do you want to invite yourself?" I said it playfully and of course I wanted her to invite herself! But she took offense to that and I attempted apologizing for being "rude". She said she was mad at me and i'm not sure if it was a serious remark. Then, she was showing me her new iPhone and I pulled out mine to compare the cases, my screen was up and I had a few text conversations up, one with a FRIEND, named Alyssa. She took offense to that too, and made some comment about dealing with trust or whatever. I told her she was the girl I wanted and I don't talk to anyone else in that sense, because I have what I want.

 

I left shortly after, with a very short peck goodbye. She refused a kiss at first, but I held her for a second and kissed her neck and then she kissed me. (Or, "She let me kiss her", to put it into better understanding of how it seemed) I did ask her, "We good?" and she said "Yeah everything's fine". Which I have always trusted her completely if i've ever had a moment or thing like this arise between us.

 

She didn't text me at all, which was weird compared to every single other day. I texted around 5:30 and asked her if she wanted to make plans with me for new years. She didn't reply, and an hour later I said "?", because I know when she takes her break and I KNOW she always has her phone on her.. She said "I'm working dude" back to that.

 

I went by before closing time (which she was cool with, I brought the idea up before leaving work), around 9:30 to see her and ask about plans again and whatnot. 99% of the time I was there, she had her phone in her hands and was texting someone. Basically, at one point she had to walk to another part of the store and she left her phone on the table next to me. I GLANCED at it, and saw "I wish I could see you tonight" texted FROM her to this guy Mike. Naturally, I scrolled up and saw things like "I hope we can work this out because you're hot and ....", "As long as you treat me right" and various other texts I cannot stop from replaying in my head. He had said "You're a very sexy girl" and something about how they'd arrange to see each other...them taking turns driving to see each other (ldr of some sort I guess).

 

 

I immediately got pretty angry, I took her phone and brought it to her, and said, "I wish you hadn't left that conversation up". And I walked out. She texted me immediately and said "What the hell?", I said "I saw your conversation with Mike. I TRUSTED YOU."

 

 

I walked back in, which I probably shouldn't have done, but we had a pretty heated argument. I am bad at being angry, which she hates... At first I tried to get her to say anything, but she just said she wasn't doing anything, that HE was flirting with her. When she finally heard how much I saw, she said "You talk to other girls too!" and I said "Not like that I don't!" She proceeded to be mad at me for looking through her phone.. I left again and drove to my friends house. She texted me, and admitted "I was talking to him because I wanted attention, i'm sorry i'm insecure" I said "If i'm not giving you enough attention and you need to go to someone else, ****'s just not going to work". A few texts later she asked me to meet her in the parking lot at work, so I left my friends and drove back.

 

I got in her car and expected her to talk, but she was crying and so I started talking and just kept going. She cried the entire time. I talked about how I wanted to be with her, but I was really hurt by what happened. I did apologize for my anger as well, because she said I scared her. I told her i'd do whatever I had to, to work on my anger issues. Finally, like half an hour had passed and she said she was going to head home. I told her that when she wanted to talk I would be there. I got out of the car and into mine, noticing that she chose the road that'd take her the long way home as opposed to her normal route.

 

 

I sent a few drunk texts that night, which I regret and I know my stupidity. I said something pretty mean about "It's midnight! Hope you're sending a kiss Mike's way" and I also said "I wish it was me you wanted to see tonight and not Mike".

 

She didn't text me at all Sunday, and I knew I was going to see her at work again at 3. We barely talked, just enough to communicate what was going on at work. I texted her as she left, because I sort of expected something from her. No reply... 4 hours later I sent another text and said I wanted to know what was going on, that I deserved to at least hear that. She finally replied to that, and said "I am DONE. I know I did wrong, but the way you did me last night was ridiculous". (Referring to how angry I was).

 

I got pretty upset at that and a fellow coworker caught on and texted her that I was pretty upset. She talked to me for a little while and was somewhat comforting. She asked me to call her when I got out of work, so I did. Again, it seemed like I just talked the whole time. I could hear her crying through most of my talking. I told her again, that I wanted to be with her and she said "I just don't know right now" and also said, "I like everything about you, except for the anger" and I said I was going to do whatever I had to, to fix my anger issues, because I want to be with her. We exchanged goodnights.

 

I texted to make sure she was okay, because I knew she was crying, she just said "I'm fine"

 

 

That was the night of the 1st. On the 2nd and 3rd, I still tried contacting her often and I was pretty needy and clingy. I was slightly mean here and there, including on the 1st, saying things like how I couldn't manage to stay asleep because I keep replaying what I saw in my head or how I had so many unanswered questions and just couldn't understand what she did to me.

 

 

Ended the 3rd by proposing around a month of time for us to be apart and heal and for me to work on my anger issues, then see where things stand after that time. She said okay. NC since.

 

 

What do I do? I know there's the obvious response to cheating, but knowing her the way I do...going to someone for attention is a legit, honest reason for her. It's still very wrong, but it may or may not be as bad as pursuing a real thing.

 

I could use advice on not hurting like this. She was an amazing girl and everything i've wanted...it's hard to think she could still be talking to him. (Btw, she did say on the 3rd that she is not talking to him or anyone in that sense)

-She has no reason to be honest with me anymore, not like I factor in to that area now.

-I hope to an extent that i've made an impression upon her and hope she might feel guilty if she talks to him or anyone right now.

 

There's also one small lingering thought from when we were first in the office at 3 on nye, and I saw her phone for the first time, she had a text convo up, which I didn't look at, but I noticed she had sent a picture to someone (wasn't a good enough angle to see what the picture was). Didn't catch the name either. If she was talking to him or sending him risque pictures at that point, I don't think my theory is right.

 

The theory, is her just seeking attention because she was slightly put off by how our day played out at 3, and doubting her trust in me because of seeing a girl's name -.-.....And going to someone to hear she was desired. If she was already talking to him though at 3, I didn't do anything or give her a reason to seek attention from another and I just got played like a fool.

 

I'm thinking right now, that in a month we'll see how things are and if there's the potential for it going back to how it was, I will be very clear and blunt about her doing what she did, again. Something like "I won't get mad again, but I will walk away and not look back".

[Philosoraptor]

She is not emotionally mature and is not ready to settle down with anyone. Truly you dodged a bullet on this one whether you can see it now or not. Let this one go and concentrate on yourself.

[AwptiK]

Definitely can't see it now, but thanks for your advice man.

 

Any advice on moving on? Aside from NC of course...

 

It's hard to be around her at work, even though it's roughly 2 times a week i'll see her. I can't stop thinking about the other guy, whatever the truth is, he or someone could be getting what I had... :/

[ditzchic]

You can't assume exclusivity. A month isn't that long of a time together. You haven't even progressed beyond kissing. If you want exclusivity you need to express it. You can't be accusatory about boundaries being crossed when no boundaries have been set. Every person in the world wants reassurance that they are wanted and desired. With maturity comes a better way to express that then texting other guys or passive agressively drunk texting a girl. The problem isn't hers alone.

 

I think you are both insecure. And you both have a lot of growing up to do. Let her go for now. Work on yourself and getting your life in order. Maybe you guys can reconnect after you've both grown up.

[NYC-BigKat]

You can't assume exclusivity. A month isn't that long of a time together. You haven't even progressed beyond kissing. If you want exclusivity you need to express it. You can't be accusatory about boundaries being crossed when no boundaries have been set. Every person in the world wants reassurance that they are wanted and desired. With maturity comes a better way to express that then texting other guys or passive agressively drunk texting a girl. The problem isn't hers alone.

 

I think you are both insecure. And you both have a lot of growing up to do. Let her go for now. Work on yourself and getting your life in order. Maybe you guys can reconnect after you've both grown up.

 

Yea this is too much drama in only 1 month. It sounds like HS lol.

[AwptiK]

I'm 20 and she's 22, for reference. But yeah I see that and know it's true..

 

Exclusivity wasn't expressed clearly, but I took a lot of signs for us being exclusive. I know it can't be assumed, but she did a ton of "trust me" and various comments that'd lead me to assume exclusivity. She was also annoyingly obsessed with various girls i'm friends with and an ex who works at a different location in our chain of stores.

 

But i'll do my best to give it time, work on myself and only focus on myself.

[Oxy Moronovich]

If she's annoyingly jealous of females in your life now it'll only get worse.

[StarThrower]

Didn't one of the texts say that they hoped they could make it work? They were probably meeting. I most honestly don't think that being insecure is an acceptable reason to text people saying those kind of things.

 

Hope I helped a little..

[AwptiK]

Yeah. I have actually been thinking along those lines today..

 

I never got a fully honest answer and I hate that i'm outside of that "window" of asking.

 

There is the fact that she can get really caught up in someone and move too quickly. I can definitely see her flirting with someone and having it turn into this in a matter of hours. Of course, it's still very wrong of her. As I believe I said in the OP, she formed her own trust issue in seeing my phone's text messages and another girl's name just listed along with everyone else I text. It's happened between her and I, before anything ever really happened. She described it once as, "You're so easy to fall for. We get to talking and then next thing I know I have to step back because I don't want to rush things."

 

 

It's really eating me away that I haven't gotten a full answer. I'd said many times between that night and the 3rd, terms like "unanswered questions" and "I just don't understand", but she hasn't said anything more. All I got was that text after leaving her in tears at work, that said "I was texting him for attention, I'm sorry i'm insecure." Later on though, I did get "I know I did wrong."

 

If that's all there is then that's all there is, I guess. I do wonder if she's still talking to him though, even though she said she wasn't.

 

NC day 3 right now..

 

Edit:

I've been reading through a ton of the other threads in this section, all are people who don't have the answers and desperately want them, same as I do. It's a real shame some people can't be honest, even when they preach how being open in a relationship and being honest is always best.

 

What the girl in my situation may have said about being insecure is true, but I spent half an hour trying to get it out of her. I was angrier than I ever have been, but it wasn't until I left her in tears at work and walked away, that she texted me and admitted anything. That may or may not even be the answer, she could have given me a reason she knew I could probably accept. Again, I just don't have the answers.

 

I think it comes down to the need to accept that you won't always hear what you need to. You may not get the answers you want. If someone isn't going to be up front and tell you what's going on, they don't deserve you.

 

I'm on edge with my situation, because she may or may not have been honest when she finally admitted seeking attention out of insecurity...but i'm leaning towards everything I just wrote, as my answer.

Edited January 6, 2012 by AwptiK