What are the stages of GIGS?

[Glove_slap]

Assuming GIGS is fact instead of theory what would the stages be?

More importantly what would the final stage be?

I'm not asking for a detailed explanation!

[Philosoraptor]

Stage 1) Not being mature enough to be in a serious relationship to begin with.

 

Stage 2) Growing up at some point (for some people). By then the dumped ex should have moved on to someone who was actually mature and found happiness. Occasionally the dumper will miss the mature dumpee but mostly they take their newfound maturity (if they found it) and move onto a relationship that they can be serious in.

[wilsonx]

nice assumptions....

 

 

Phase 1 - The 180 and experiencing the world

 

They make new "friends" and go out and experience the world. This could be going out, new hobbies, drugs,

drinking, partying, changing their appearance, try new things and even do things they hated or swore they would never do while dating you. etc.

 

Phase 2 - Soting their oats

 

Your Ex is going to date around and enter into several short / long term relationships.

 

Phase 3 - Pain is life's greatest teacher!

 

This is when your Ex starts to experience the consequences of their actions, behavior, decisions, etc. This can all hit at once (hitting bottom) or take several

years for it to have it's much needed effect on your Ex. Your Ex is one that has to learn the hard way!

 

Examples:

 

Losing jobs, getting their heartbroken by their bad choices in people they date, screwed over by their good time "friends", arrested, major drama, etc.

 

In my Ex's case, it all hit at once. I have had others that it took several big things through a period of time to hit before they suffered for it.

 

Several notes here:

 

Note 1: Some Ex's suffer consequences that are beyond repair. Some get knocked up by losers, alcoholism, drug addictions, ruin their careers, drop out of school, get

arrested, get so screwed up by the losers they date they never heal, etc.

 

Note 2: You usually start to hear from the Ex around this time. NOTE: They are not wanting you back!

 

Note 3: Your Ex will more than likely repeat or continue to make the same mistakes again and again before moving onto Phase 4.

 

Note 4: This is hard... even my Ex fooled me by coming back near the end of this phase. I took her back for a week earlier this year (well over a year after our break up) and

quickly saw that she hadn't figured it all out yet and moved on to the next phase. I broke up with her and said I wan't no part of the "friends" and lifestyle she was living.

She even tried to convince me to come live it with her so we could be together... Don't fall for it. Do what I did if you hear from them. They will respect you for it.

 

Phase 4 - Coming "Home"

 

This is where your Ex finally starts to make changes and choose to grow up. Due to age, their friends and mostly because of what they learned due to Phase 3 above.

 

They drop their good time "friends", get burned out of partying, sick of the drama, want someone "more", etc.

 

This is when your Ex does another 180 but this time, they become the person you use to know.

 

This phase does not happen overnight and it is a process!

 

This is also when you a lot of you will hear from your Ex. No, they do not want you back although some will say they do (like my Ex). They know, that you know that they were

idiots and for some reason, they feel the need to let you know that they are "normal" and good again. This is also when your Ex starts to realize that you are special and rare.

That people like you do not grow on trees.

 

This is where most dumpees make the mistake of trying to get their Ex back! The dumpee thinks all the obstacles, hurdles and growing up that needed to happen, has occurred. That's wrong!

 

Why?

 

Your Ex just got to a point to where they feel "normal". So in a way, they are right back where they started when this whole G.I.G.S. thing kicked in.

 

All Phase 1, 2 and 3 are is them losing their minds and doing and experiencing as much as they can. In most cases, all the wrong ways.

 

What your Ex is thinking now is... I brought all the crap upon myself because I was being stupid and not thinking. Now that I am normal, I have the knowledge and ability to find a person like you.

 

If you make the mistake of taking them back now... You are setting yourself up to be dumped again. After a while, your Ex is going to think / feel / believe that they made a

hasty decision in coming back to you. They will think, I really don't know now that I am "normal" if this is who / what I want. Also, there is a little bit of doubt about you too

since you were so quick to take them back after all that they have done.

 

This is the reason why I said no to my Ex that wants me back. I need her to go date some more now that she is "normal". My Ex is half-hearted and still has G.I.G.S. (although s

he does not know it) and is trying to get things to return to normal when she was happy. Phase 1, 2 and 3 are fun for a time but becomes complete and total misery after a while.

Why do you think a lot of them go nuts with the drinking, drugs and partying... To be numb!

 

I also am showing her, that she "lost" me and prove that I am not a chump. That there are consequences to her decisions and she needs to feel them now that she is "normal".

Her fear (which she stated over and over to me), is that she will never find a guy like me. The fact that she says that, tells me everything I needed to know. Although persistent,

I know that she is not really ready.

 

Phase 5 - Crawling on Broken Glass On Their Knees

 

Once they are "normal"... They still think they have a chance and what it takes to find what they once had. Well let me tell you, in my case, that just isn't going to happen.

For some of you, that will also be the case.

 

After they get out there and experience what "normal" is enough times... This is when the reality of the situation finally hits them. This is when they know beyond a shadow of a

doubt that they have indeed made a very big mistake.

 

This is when your Ex will do whatever it takes to WIN your love back. They will make their intentions known and there will be no mistake as to what they are doing. No mixed

messages, no wondering, no doubts, etc.

 

They will crawl on broken glass on their knees to get you back!

 

-------------------

 

This is absolutely true stages, I can attest to them, homebrew/gibson can attest to them and smokey can attest to them.

 

All of us have been on both sides of this

[BoredAgain]

Yeah, I don't really buy into the "stages" too much. I've spent way too much time going through old posts, and I think the similarities of GIGS cases only go so far.

 

I agree that there is almost always a phase of partying, "oat sowing," and rebounding immediately after the break-up. The phrase, "its like she/he is a different person" seems to be said quite a lot in GIGS-related breakups. But I'm skeptical about whether that leads to stages 3, 4, and 5 that you describe.

 

For example, instead of some terrible consequences for all the partying, I think it's also common for people to simply get bored with it. Also, there isn't always a "homecoming" for various reasons... sometimes they find a new relationship that they are happy (or happy enough) with. Or sometimes it seems that they simply don't bother because they see that the person they dumped is in a happy new relationship.

 

In other words, I think the experiences just vary too much to be able to accurately describe any "stages."

[wilsonx]

its because your new here bro, stick around....

 

look at lalalandman's post before the letter one.... thats phase 3

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes a breakup is just a breakup and the need for phases is overrated.

 

The final phase in any grieving process is acceptance..

You accept the breakup happened and move on.

[2sunny]

Sometimes a breakup is just a breakup and the need for phases is overrated.

 

The final phase in any grieving process is acceptance..

You accept the breakup happened and move on.

 

Yep. Not only that - but if/when they decide to come "home" they realize I'm not allowing it! I've grown - moved forward - realized it ended because it was the END!

 

Waiting around is still settling! Never settle!

[lalalandman]

I can Definitely see the merit in The GIGS theory. I was moving on, and then my ex unloaded on me with talk of wanting me forever and blah blah. I was stupid to beleive it. She blew alot of smoke up my ass, thats for sure. She can still walk all over me. But you know, I went 3 months NC before she decided to lay breadcrumbs. I can go NC again. I see the merit in GIGS, but the last thing I would ever do is use it as a crutch to think she'll really be back one day. That's the worst part about GIGS, is buying into it as a gaurantee. People don't always recover from their screwed up ways. It's true. So the best thing you can do is put your past behind you and move ahead. I've gotten a lot of good advice here, and I know if she starts trying to see me again, that I need to reject. Actually, out of stupidity, and all the things she said, I actually went out of my way to ask her to lunch today. Offered to make her lunch! She turned me down. I don't feel bad about it, and I realize she has a life, but she really did blow a ton of smoke up my ass. Phase 3 or whatever you want to call it, it's hogwash. So, the best thing to do is accept that it's over.

Edited January 5, 2012 by lalalandman

[BigDumbFoot]

nice assumptions....

 

 

nice condescension....

[2sunny]

its because your new here bro, stick around....

 

 

Stick around... But also know how to be realistic.

 

When a R ends - its for certain reasons! You may never have those reasons - it doesn't matter IF you don't! Learning how to be happy on your own is best- that way IF you're with someone else it's just a bonus.

[Jono85]

Yeah, I don't really buy into the "stages" too much. I've spent way too much time going through old posts, and I think the similarities of GIGS cases only go so far.

 

I agree that there is almost always a phase of partying, "oat sowing," and rebounding immediately after the break-up. The phrase, "its like she/he is a different person" seems to be said quite a lot in GIGS-related breakups. But I'm skeptical about whether that leads to stages 3, 4, and 5 that you describe.

 

For example, instead of some terrible consequences for all the partying, I think it's also common for people to simply get bored with it. Also, there isn't always a "homecoming" for various reasons... sometimes they find a new relationship that they are happy (or happy enough) with. Or sometimes it seems that they simply don't bother because they see that the person they dumped is in a happy new relationship.

 

In other words, I think the experiences just vary too much to be able to accurately describe any "stages."

 

there are no stages. ppl are taking their own personal experiences, and maybe some others, and trying to make it into a science. it's sad b/c it's being preached hard and newcomers read it thinking they have a better understanding of their ex or something, when in reality all it is, is an explanation for a small percentage of exes. nothing more. there are no stages, every situation is unique. that doesn't mean that it can't happen to several people, but there's no correlations anywhere. they're all independent events.

[2sunny]

When I made a decision I was DONE - there wasn't anyone or anything that was going to change my mind!

 

People make decisions and stick to it... If a man was waiting around for me to go back - he'd be waiting forever.

 

When it's over - I move forward and never look back - except to LEARN what I need to know to never make the same errors again.

[smokey bear]

there are no stages. ppl are taking their own personal experiences, and maybe some others, and trying to make it into a science. it's sad b/c it's being preached hard and newcomers read it thinking they have a better understanding of their ex or something, when in reality all it is, is an explanation for a small percentage of exes. nothing more. there are no stages, every situation is unique. that doesn't mean that it can't happen to several people, but there's no correlations anywhere. they're all independent events.

 

 

Id like to contest this, there have been studies for over the last 100 years on this subject, the last being 2008.

 

See if you all dont agree on gigs then fine, but it is a true experience that happens, it has been backed by studies by most of the popular Mind and body experts in the world and has been documented, with stages.

 

 

FOR OVER 100 YEARS

 

But do you know what, that still wont be good enough for the lot of you's will it, no great scientists and mind consultants no, they talk rubbish, the people on LS they know what its all about and they are correct, everyone must listen to them.

 

 

You blow smoke up your own arse cause your too jaded and bitter or you just cant undrstand the whole theory because you never went through it yourself and guess what

 

It only happens to 17% of the population, and guess what study shows it only happens to people with a high IQ.

 

So based on studies over 100 years by the greatest people in the world, your just TOO BUMB TO UNDERSTAND

 

 

And this isnt my opinion, no, its actual fact so before you go bashing me, go check your facts......

[Jono85]

I find the term GIGS absolutely useless. It does absolutely nothing for the dumpee to believe that their ex dumped them because the grass was (supposedly) greener on the other side. To believe this, know this etc, does not aid the moving on process at all.

 

I've heard this phrase thrown around so much on here, that it's become like a child learning a new word. People just can't stop using it all of the time. Even when it doesn't apply.

 

The most useful thing to do in a break-up, accept it and move on. Think a little over what happened, learn and make a break from it. Make peace with it. Regardless of why, and regardless of if they'll come back, they, at that point, do not want to be with you. Harsh, I know. We can't control what people want though, and we shouldn't try to label everything all of the time.

 

Aren't all break ups in part GIGS? After all, we all leave to find something better for us.

 

+1000

 

it's getting almost comical on this board.

[Jono85]

Id like to contest this, there have been studies for over the last 100 years on this subject, the last being 2008.

 

See if you all dont agree on gigs then fine, but it is a true experience that happens, it has been backed by studies by most of the popular Mind and body experts in the world and has been documented, with stages.

 

 

FOR OVER 100 YEARS

 

But do you know what, that still wont be good enough for the lot of you's will it, no great scientists and mind consultants no, they talk rubbish, the people on LS they know what its all about and they are correct, everyone must listen to them.

 

 

You blow smoke up your own arse cause your too jaded and bitter or you just cant undrstand the whole theory because you never went through it yourself and guess what

 

It only happens to 17% of the population, and guess what study shows it only happens to people with a high IQ.

 

So based on studies over 100 years by the greatest people in the world, your just TOO BUMB TO UNDERSTAND

 

 

And this isnt my opinion, no, its actual fact so before you go bashing me, go check your facts......

 

i'm dumb, yet u break NC every 2 days to beg ur ex back?? and it's always the same result..

 

wake up and smell the coffee. go read the post before yours. WHO CARES about analyzing it and being right etc etc etc. move on already. it doesn't even matter the reasons or what personality disorder u perceive ur ex to have. they don't want u, bottom line.

[smokey bear]

i'm dumb, yet u break NC every 2 days to beg ur ex back?? and it's always the same result..

 

wake up and smell the coffee. go read the post before yours. WHO CARES about analyzing it and being right etc etc etc. move on already. it doesn't even matter the reasons or what personality disorder u perceive ur ex to have. they don't want u, bottom line.

 

 

Oh really?

 

Did i forget to mention my gigs ex came back..... actually i think i did it must have slipped my mind

[Jono85]

Oh really?

 

Did i forget to mention my gigs ex came back..... actually i think i did it must have slipped my mind

 

is that why ur still making threads about how heart broken u are, and how u asked him if he'll ever take u back, and he said he didn't know, etc etc??

 

you're only fooling yourself.

[smokey bear]

is that why ur still making threads about how heart broken u are, and how u asked him if he'll ever take u back, and he said he didn't know, etc etc??

 

you're only fooling yourself.

 

 

Juno can you point me to the post where i said these things you quoted above

[Art_Critic]

Id like to contest this, there have been studies for over the last 100 years on this subject, the last being 2008.

 

See if you all dont agree on gigs then fine, but it is a true experience that happens, it has been backed by studies by most of the popular Mind and body experts in the world and has been documented, with stages.

 

 

FOR OVER 100 YEARS

 

But do you know what, that still wont be good enough for the lot of you's will it, no great scientists and mind consultants no, they talk rubbish, the people on LS they know what its all about and they are correct, everyone must listen to them.

 

 

You blow smoke up your own arse cause your too jaded and bitter or you just cant undrstand the whole theory because you never went through it yourself and guess what

 

It only happens to 17% of the population, and guess what study shows it only happens to people with a high IQ.

 

So based on studies over 100 years by the greatest people in the world, your just TOO BUMB TO UNDERSTAND

 

 

And this isnt my opinion, no, its actual fact so before you go bashing me, go check your facts......

 

I'm not normally one to ask for this but could you please provide your sources please ?

You haven't shown any of these studies that have been taking place for over 100 years.. and you said this is NOT your opinion.

 

It isn't fact if those studies don't exist, so please provide us with some of those 100 years worth of studies, I myself would love to read them and understand the GIGS deal myself..

[Glove_slap]

its because your new here bro, stick around....

 

look at lalalandman's post before the letter one.... thats phase 3

 

 

Hey Wilson, long time fan lol.

 

My ex was an innocent girl and I tried to keep her away from drugs, binge drinking and bad influences. She helped me steer away from those things too during high school, we really supported each other. I can see where our relationship went wrong (everything became stale and boring, plus I was broke). After three years of being together, she broke it off when high school ended and started dating a guy three years older than year (two years older than me) who has MONEY. He lives in a CONDO, has a MANSION, has CARS and spends thousands on her for designer clothing and such. He also cooks for her and takes her everywhere, really treats her like a princess. Earlier last year he got arrested for drug trafficking along with my ex's best girl-friend who always hated me. It all came as a shock to my ex because while she's really a naive little girl. The funny thing is that.

 

She's still with him, and she's still best friend's with the other girl. We've been broken up for over a year and a half now and it's been over a year with NC (although I did bump into her randomly on the street last February, I don't count that but even so it would be close to a year with NC).

 

I'm still stuck in the earlier phases of the stages you described as my ex has made no attempt to contact me.

 

*sigh why are women so complicated?

[wilsonx]

Honestly, let the gold digger go spend time in jail, go find someone that appreciates you for your good qualities and not your material quantities.

[2sunny]

Call it what you want.

 

I call it acceptance of what is over.

 

Many go through a grieving PROCESS - that's normal - whether the R was good or not.

 

There are stages of grieving.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm not normally one to ask for this but could you please provide your sources please ?

You haven't shown any of these studies that have been taking place for over 100 years.. and you said this is NOT your opinion.

 

It isn't fact if those studies don't exist, so please provide us with some of those 100 years worth of studies, I myself would love to read them and understand the GIGS deal myself..

I'd also be very interested in reading these studies. There is nothing I enjoy more than reading about human behavior and psychology Right now I am reading The Dhammapada which in its own way revolves around the aspects of self healing and inner happiness. I also spend many hours reading and dissecting articles and studies published by the APA so I am sure I would enjoy reading the study report related to GIGS from whichever group or person published it.

[carhill]

I've done a bit of reading about the 'doing the geographic' that alcoholics can be prone to do and it ties in with the grass being greener elsewhere psychology oft discussed on these forums.

 

Metaphorically, where the 'sun' (one's focus) shines, the grass appears to be greener. As one's focus moves away from self and present, other places and persons and times become 'greener' (more attractive). Desire to attain that grass builds emotionally, subverting the 'darkness' of the present circumstances.

 

Listening to alcoholics talk about such events, it sounds like they are running away from themselves.

 

If the psychology of this phenomena blends with the human desire for the familiar, it follows that one's memories of past places, times and people will eventually cause the sun (one's focus) to again shine on those potentials and circle back to them.

 

I've had enough experience with alcoholic women to see this particular nuance in action, though I never understood the psychology of it in the past. I always, erroneously, presumed they had learned and grown and were reconnecting from that perspective, and thus gave them the benefit of the doubt. I remember in my younger years calling these 'rubber band relationships'.

 

So, unsupported by any peer reviewed scientific studies, I'll offer my version:

 

1. The familiar becomes increasing unsettling. Anxiety and the desire to 'get away' grow.

 

2. A particular place, person or time presents itself, either coincidentally or purposefully.

 

3. Focus on that 'grass' grows. Positive aspects of it and positive feelings about it grow concurrently.

 

4. The familiar becomes less of a comfort and more of a burden and point of contempt. Former focus on positive aspects now becomes focus on negative aspects.

 

5. The rubber band snaps and the emotions and their rationalization shift to the place where one's positive focus is, the 'greener grass', and the familiar becomes an equation to work out.

 

6. Actions follow, like affairs, breakups, divorces, disappearances etc.

 

7. The honeymoon period with the new familiar proceeds.

 

8. The cycle repeats.

 

 

The key canary for myself is step #8. This is why I now take a hard look at family history as well as relationship history. It's normal for a person to experience change in life and grow from their experiences, but it's how they process and share those experiences that indicates synergy and compatibility. When I see the cycle repeating and each iteration carrying a predominantly negative message, I see a potential incompatibility looming.

 

Examples: 'Our marriage isn't/didn't work out but I learned a lot from it and am/was able to identify a number of my own faults and correct them'

 

'My spouse is/was a lying cheating ******* who never does/did anything right and I'll never know why I married the person.'

 

This could have been exactly the same marriage but two different take-aways from it. The 'rubber band relationships' generally were characterized by the latter type perspectives, combined with a strangely disconnected and almost giddy romanticizing of the 'greener grass' (myself at the time). Later, I would become the object of contempt, the rubber band would snap and poof they would be gone, generally without comment or closure.

 

Life goes on.

[smokey bear]

Its all in my greater understanding of gigs thread, be patient with it though, i was learning what gigs was as i posted, somethings conflict and then are resolved once i had figured it out.

 

The actual study link is in the thread, as is a lot of information, i only posted the information i didnt link it all altogether you'll have to do that yourself. It took me 2 attempts to understand the study, its a lot of reading.

 

Again Juno i would like you to direct me to that post i wrote where you quote me earlier