lilyblue Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Ok so I'm 3 months post BU, still very hurt by it. It was done in a disrespectful and horrible way out of the blue with no issues during the relationship by someone I had been friends with for years prior to the relationship. I've been trying to move forward, trying to date in the last month and after the initial few where I cried after, I was somewhat opening up to meeting new people (all of this has been through online dating). I was out with a friend the other day and we struck up a conversation with a random guy. The three of us hung out for about an hour and at the end he asked for both our numbers because he wanted to hang out with "us" again. He texted me a few days later to ask me out. The next day, via text, he says that he really likes both of us and that kind of puts him in an awkward position. My friend calls me a few minutes later (after having received the same type of text) and turns out that they had gone out the night before. the problem - this shouldn't affect me!! He is a random guy. And yet it made me cry. I'm so hurt by the last relationship that I can't take any sort of rejection it seems. I'm unhappy alone, but I feel like dating is just a disaster. Every time I get excited about anything it turns to crap (this was actually the first guy I was attracted to at all). I'm second choice again. I never meet anyone in person who takes an interest in me - it all has be set up under the lameness of the internet. I just hate that I feel so impacted by this relationship that I can't even cope with anything normal. I just feel so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
flow15 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Don't rush yourself into dating, you're not ready yet. Give it time, you still need to get over the relationship, the worst thing you can do is jump into dating- I think it can stall your healing. You will know when you're ready. Thinking about other men repulses me! Its been 2 months since my BU. I can appreciate another guy is good looking, but I can't even think about dating yet! I know its nice to feel wanted, and you think that will make you feel better about your BU but no one can make you feel better but YOU. You need to heal first, so don't worry about this guy. Sounds like a jerk if he was flirting with both you and your friend!! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 I'd agree that you should not rush yourself into anything. You must learn to be happy within yourself before you can truly be happy with someone else. Until you are not just content.. but happy within yourself; I would not pursue anything serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyblue Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 Thanks both of you for your replies. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lonely and it seems like meeting people is the best fix for that. I'm not happy alone, and it's not that I'm unhappy with myself, it's that I do not want to be alone at this point in my life. But I also feel like I'm much more quick to be disappointed and every negative event hurts more than it should. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Unhappiness alone does not lead to a good relationship. Those who are happy within themselves while outside of a romantic relationship have time to explore themselves and understand what it is they truly have to offer and truly want from a romantic relationship. This allows the person to develop strong boundaries and self confidence while in a relationship. No one wants to be truly alone in the terms of having no friends or family, but one needs to be able to love themselves enough to be happy while outside of a romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyblue Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 I think I am happy with myself. Just no one else seems to be. It's common advice that you have to be happy before finding a relationship, but I think I am happy except for the lack of relationship. And Martinman, I agree. I don't think he really did anything wrong - that's why I know I shouldn't be this disappointed about such a simple event. It shouldn't trigger all these thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think the way that guy handled that situation was arrogant and off-putting, but that's not the point. The point is that you're still fragile and, like someone else said, it sounds like you're not ready to be dating or even thinking about it, really. Don't put yourself in situations where you could be rejected right now. Focus on yourself and try again in a few weeks, months, when you feel stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyblue Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think the way that guy handled that situation was arrogant and off-putting, but that's not the point. The point is that you're still fragile and, like someone else said, it sounds like you're not ready to be dating or even thinking about it, really. Don't put yourself in situations where you could be rejected right now. Focus on yourself and try again in a few weeks, months, when you feel stronger. At first I thought you were referring to my ex, then I realized it was about the random guy. Ah men, does arrogant and off-putting just sum up what I'm destined for? I am still fragile, you're right. But I also do want to be in a relationship. I don't know how those two go together. Rejection is always going to hurt. I want to meet someone, but I don't know how to do that when everything always seems to turn out badly. How do you just keep going? Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 You mentioned you're trying online dating... I know from experience that road can be a minefield of potential rejections. Whether it's minor stuff like someone abruptly dropping out after a series of message exchanges, or whether you try a first date then never hear back from them...mild feelings of rejection are part of the game. (And sometimes you're on the other end of things). I have a couple friends who are able to go through the process over and over again, just getting right back on the saddle after failures. I've asked them how they do it and they seem to treat it almost like applying for a new job when you're unemployed. The attitude being, you HAVE to. You know things are difficult, you know your ego is going to be bruised, but you do it in anyway in pursuit of your goal. Personally I don't have much stomach for that stuff myself and I know my limits. At most I'd be able to handle one online date a month, while also hoping that I meet someone in a more natural "real life" setting. I might not be putting myself out there as much as my friends, but this approach is necessary for my sensitivity level. You should also recognize your own limits and develop your own approach. Don't force things if you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
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