I'm back...Unreal what happened.

[mike588]

Mike then tell her that, she hurt you in the message

 

Have you ever told her that? Communication is key in relationships

 

Tell her you betrayed my trust in you as a person when you weren't telling me the truth, why are you adding me as a friend.

 

Speak from the heart

 

I really don't want to speak with her now,,,directly or indirectly. I'm concerned that if I let her know that her request hurt me....well it shows/will show I'm still hurting over the b/u.

 

Don't get me wrong...I'm NOT 100% over her yet but slowly getting there...I ALWAYS stressed to her during our relationship that communication was SO IMPORTANT in a healthy relationship...that she could talk to me about anything and everything....and she did.

 

Sorry ..getting off track.....I'm not ready to see her...to talk to her at this time...emails ok but am afraid it will lead to a physical meeting...she is a VERY ATTRACTIVE woman even at 42...I'd probably cave in and wind up sleeping with her if......IF that were her intentions.

[wilsonx]

Theres nothing wrong with admitting that you were or are hurt. It shows that you are human.

 

But I understand how you feel and if thats your choice then its the best choice for you.

[M2155]

Mike, I still go with my initial response. Accept it OR send a note politely declining.

 

Accepting it doesn't really get you anywhere because that's not communication, that's just access. I still think if her intentions was to really communicate with you she would have gone another route but let's assume I'm wrong. So politely declining can say hello, what do you really want and leave me alone all in one.

 

But again, if you're still affected (which you are) and you think you aren't ready for communication or concerned it may lead somewhere (I'm imagining her response something along the lines of "I was just curious how you were and wanted to see how you were doing") then leave it. Take all the time in the world.

[mike588]

Theres nothing wrong with admitting that you were or are hurt. It shows that you are human.

 

But I understand how you feel and if thats your choice then its the best choice for you.

 

I believe you know from my previous threads that SHE knows how much I was hurt!!

[wilsonx]

exactly thats why she waited 4 months to contact you...

 

if she did not know you were hurting, she would have left your breadcrumbs or texts or emails

 

but again, just stick to what you feel comfortable with, if its NC, then stick to it

[betterdeal]

And all this because of a Facebook request.

 

What do you know for sure?

 

• receiving it upset your balance.
  
• you felt the need to discuss it here.
  
• you didn't accept it right away.
  
• you didn't dismiss it right away.
  

 

Something about this event says things about you, where you are, what you are like. How did you feel, physically, when you received the message? Emotions are said to emanate from different parts of the body.

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-Your-Emotions

 

Then again, could this be an offering you've brought to the LS table to ingratiate your way back into the group? It wasn't that long ago you said "Hi ho, Silver!" and rode off into the sunset, was it? Did you miss us?

 

Not to dismiss your feelings apropos this news from this woman you were seeing some time ago, but I suspect there's a little trace of over egging the Facebook pudding for the sake of having a chat with your old buddies here.

[lilyblue]

Now I'm the only one left being jealous of breadcrumbs!

[lalalandman]

Don't take the bait dude.

[Mack05]

Mike, I have a black and white view of NC. If you are over her then follow Wilson's suggestion (in a non aggressive manner) if you are not then stay NC. I was over my ex and followed Wilson's advice to the letter and couldn't get over how receptive my ex was (the same woman that attacked me on LS). I could have gotten closure without contact, but I cannot deny the inner peace I have found since we forgave each other and wished each other well in life (at the start of a new year too). Holding resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. When you no longer feel resentment to your ex, when you have forgiven her for what she did and you are no longer effected by what she does in her life, then make peace with her. Letting go of resentment and finding genuine forgiveness are two huge steps to take on the road to being truly emotionally healthy.

 

To be honest you are not there yet and you are in a different place to me. You create a thread "Unreal what happened". 'Unreal' is not getting a facebook request from your ex. Unreal is having her show up at your door, down on two knees crying uncontrolably saying "I was wrong Mike, please take me back"..Mike, I can assure you she will make contact again sometime down the line. When someone feels guilt for mistakes they committed onto someone else, they tend to feel remorse when they reflect back over things. Maybe things are dodgy with her boyfriend, maybe she heard a song that reminded her of you, either way it doesn't matter and right now you shouldn't be focusing on the reasons 'why' she facebook friended you as they are unimportant in your recovery. You will understand the reasons 'why' further down the line.

 

Dumpers/people who hurt us, can also be a little selfish (me included). Sometimes the guilty person forgets the hurt person/dumpee just wants to move on with their lives and not have the dumper contact them because it hurts them and sets them back in their progress. Right now your ex is acting selfishly. She wants to ease her guilt and her conscience. She probably doesn't realise the extent of how much one little facebook request has sent you into a tailspin. If you ignore her, your ex will get the message. Wilson makes a good point about communication, but sometimes silence can be deafening. She is not naive, she will get the message for now. She will probably let sometime pass before offering another breadcrumb or two, the one thing you can be sure of is that she will break NC at some stage down the line. Its just a matter of when.

 

Listen you your inner voice. Numerous times in this thread you said you are not ready to talk to her. Then don't. Only you will know when the right time will be, so until then listen to your inner voice. It is one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal. I also agree with betterdeal above. Was this just a way of returning because you missed LS? We have both recently said we are leaving LS for awhile. As a positive step forward (in 2012) why don't we both follow through on what we say (if we don't mean it, then don't say it)..It's a great tool for building self esteem.

 

I wish you well buddy. You have come alongway and not to try and sound condescending, I am proud of you..

Edited January 6, 2012 by Mack05

[twinkles]

I'd accept the friendship request.

 

Maybe she is reaching out maybe not. Not accepting it tells her you are still pining after her.

 

A nice to hear from you is all that is required.

[mike588]

Yeah I may have been a little dramatic when I used the term.."Unreal" but to me that's how I felt. As you surely know I so wanted breadcrumb/s from her the 1st several months and gave up on getting any.....just when I knew I wasn't going to get any...I get one....if you call a "Friends Request" a breadcrumb?

 

Also....I left this site on my on free will....I wasn't pushed out...told to "go away" or wore out my welcome so I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE to come back here.I mentioned when I said Goodbye L.S. that I may ocassionally drop in and if I were to hear from her I'd let everyone know.....Well I did.

 

I've decided NOT to respond to the request...I've come so far and I don't want to go backwards!!! As I said I'm not 100% over her....the b/u.. and am afraid of all my emotions being stirred up again if the friends request turns into an email from her then turns into a phone call from her then eventually a "meet up' request.

 

Funny how things change in time.....what I once sooooo wanted..now I soooo don't want. Sorry if I added drama to the title of the thread...I was just so freaked when I saw her name. I'm not reading something more into the request than it is....you guys are right...it may be that nothing more than what it is.....I just don't want or need this now.

Edited January 6, 2012 by mike588

[Codez]

I feel, if she wants to pursue you, she won't stop there.

 

 

Remember, there are no rules, it's totally up to you and what you want. If you feel it will damage your healing process, disregard it.

 

 

Always do what you feel is right.

[immitable]

one more vote for wilson's suggestion,

 

get it off your chest, ask her why!

 

I wouldn't just add her yet simply because, I only add friends on fb not some people who treated me badly.

[M2155]

Ignoring the request sounds like the right thing for you to do.

 

I'd have taken the politely decline route becuase it's just a friend request and you do not wish to be friends. If it offends her (for lack of a better word) then she will ask or say something to give you a clue to her feelings. Chances are she's probably still in a relationship and perhaps just hates that you two were once friends and feels enough time has passed to at least have that link. (Now if being FB friends leads to anything significant other than some kind words or reflection, that will be "unreal" lol ). Also for all you know, she isn't sitting around waiting to see if you accept anyway, this is a bigger deal for you than it is for her. If you accept, and then hear nothing from her after that (as in, her intention is just to have the "friend" link), you'll feel even more messed up, so go with your gut.

[betterdeal]

Also....I left this site on my on free will....I wasn't pushed out...told to "go away" or wore out my welcome so I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE to come back here.I mentioned when I said Goodbye L.S. that I may ocassionally drop in and if I were to hear from her I'd let everyone know.....Well I did.

 

No-one SHOUTED you NEEDED AN EXCUSE, so I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SHOUTING ABOUT IT.

[mike588]

No-one SHOUTED you NEEDED AN EXCUSE, so I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SHOUTING ABOUT IT.

 

Sorry...didn't mean to shout....guess this request from her has "ratteled me" more than I though...I just want her to leave me alone!!

[betterdeal]

Not rattled you so much that you don't see the humour in my post tho

 

What I was trying to get across is that you can take away knowledge about yourself, which is valuable. Taking a step back and realising that (as you have) this has upset you is useful to know. Maybe what you want doesn't actually involve her at all or, if it does, it's secondary to something inside. She is a vehicle for something you want to get to, if anything.

 

I just wrote something after thinking about your predicament - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311806/ - which might be of interest.

 

Take your time. You have all of it.

[stunned8165]

Mike, I know how you feel. If we are still trying to anylize their every action which I'm guilty of, then we still have an emotional tie.

 

I had recent contact with my ex. It hasn't been that great because she is obviously in denial, not truly happy where she is at and still lashes out at me when I did nothing wrong when we DO have this contact. I even tried to ask her to bury the hatchet Jan 2nd and all she can do is lash out at me. She even through in my face that I have an ex as a room mate now. She obviously didn't like that. I also caught myself trying to anylize the hell out of that. But for what?.

 

I let her move in because she had a problem where she was. Strictly room mate, no benefits or anything like that. Just company and a little support. This is ONE ex who had the decency to sit me down and tell me what her problem was. So we remained friends over the years. And it's temporary until they fix her place.

 

But I suggest leaving it alone. Ignore it. In our cases, if they really wanted to contact us with anything of substance, they would. I would forget about it and just continue on. don't wait to see what else happens, move on. If something else DOES happen, worry about it then.

 

And for all you people bickering, cut it out please. And wilson, you are 30 years old, Mike and I have ten plus years more of experience on you and most of you that are here... You have a lot of great insight Wilson but, you seem to make excuses for your ex. Probably because you are still in love with her. However, many of us are guilty of that at times.

 

Smokey, your ok in my book. What everyone of us go through here is very hard to understand when there are lies, betrayal, deceit and cheating involved like in my case.

 

So let's all just be understanding and listen to each other. Listening and empathy is the key here. Not bashing, trying to tell each other what we are doing wrong or any of that.

[mike588]

Thanks...I read it and it hit home. Geegirl was right...yesterday I was on a high now it's done nothing but bring me down and bring back all those very painful memories I was doing so well at forgetting...getting over.

 

Like your thread says....just as your moving on...putting it behind you then Wham you get something like this. I still haven't responded and have decided not to.....even if it's strictly a lets be Facebook friends....I just can't go there yet....I'm so afraid it will lead to other contact from her.

 

As alot of you know she mentioned in her last email to me several days after dumping me that she was going back into the relationship with her ex....knowing it will fail......that's what scares me....it failed and she want's to try it again.....I just can't!!!

[wilsonx]

This thread is great on so many levels now

 

I can't wait to comment when I get off work tonight

[geegirl]

Thanks...I read it and it hit home. Geegirl was right...yesterday I was on a high now it's done nothing but bring me down and bring back all those very painful memories I was doing so well at forgetting...getting over.

 

Like your thread says....just as your moving on...putting it behind you then Wham you get something like this. I still haven't responded and have decided not to.....even if it's strictly a lets be Facebook friends....I just can't go there yet....I'm so afraid it will lead to other contact from her.

 

As alot of you know she mentioned in her last email to me several days after dumping me that she was going back into the relationship with her ex....knowing it will fail......that's what scares me....it failed and she want's to try it again.....I just can't!!!

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do Mike but I will just say this one thing and will support you up whichever way you go.

 

Her motive for contact is not your concern. It is not your priority to decipher or determine what her intent is, while and IF you are still on your journey to healing and self-discovery. Your priority, to yourself and to no one else is simply, to heal, if this is what you truly want for yourself. My stance would change if this was a relationship between two emotionally healthy people. It wasn't and it still isn't.

 

If deep down you truly believe you are not capable of contact based on YOUR feelings (and no one else's advice or suggestions), as you know YOU best, then do not do it. If you decide you want to venture and test the waters or quench your thirst for curiosity, then do it and maybe the answers that you find will either push you forward or keep you stuck but hopefully, only for just a little while.

 

I'm just sorry you are struggling with this and again feeling defeated.

Edited January 6, 2012 by geegirl

[mike588]

I'm not going to tell you what to do Mike but I will just say this one thing and will support you up whichever way you go.

 

Her motive for contact is not your concern. It is not your priority to decipher or determine what her intent is, while and IF you are still on your journey to healing and self-discovery. Your priority, to yourself and to no one else is simply, to heal, if this is what you truly want for yourself. My stance would change if this was a relationship between two emotionally healthy people. It wasn't and it still isn't.

 

If deep down you truly believe you are not capable of contact based on YOUR feelings (and no one else's advice or suggestions), as you know YOU best, then do not do it. If you decide you want to venture and test the waters or quench your thirst for curiosity, then do it and maybe the answers that you find will either push you forward or keep you stuck but hopefully, only for just a little while.

 

You feel what you feel and you are entitled. I'm just sorry you are struggling with this and again feeling defeated.

 

Thanks,

 

I hate to use the word defeated....struggeling is more like it,,but just alittle...it hasn't set me back to square one..that's why I'm not going to respond but then again if her intentions are to "try it again" and I don't reply then what's her next step? To show up at my door step? A phone call..I don't want that!!

 

Oh SH*T here I go trying to figure her out like I did in the past...GOD DAMN IT .Oh Please Stop and leave me alone...maybe I'll take Wilsons advise and tell her to leave me alone...no more contact PERIOD!!!

 

I still like the...bang her a few times then dissapear idea,lol

 

Now assuming she want's to just be friends or try it again.....How could she have the balls to even try?? She knows without a doubt that she hurt me deeply!!!.most likely cheated on me...betrayed me..lied to me...what is it now?......I'm so sorry time?

[geegirl]

Thanks,

 

I hate to use the word defeated....struggeling is more like it,,but just alittle...it hasn't set me back to square one..that's why I'm not going to respond but then again if her intentions are to "try it again" and I don't reply then what's her next step? To show up at my door step? A phone call..I don't want that!!

 

Oh SH*T here I go trying to figure her out like I did in the past...GOD DAMN IT .Oh Please Stop and leave me alone...maybe I'll take Wilsons advise and tell her to leave me alone...no more contact PERIOD!!!

 

I still like the...bang her a few times then dissapear idea,lol

 

Now assuming she want's to just be friends or try it again.....How could she have the balls to even try?? She knows without a doubt that she hurt me deeply!!!.most likely cheated on me...betrayed me..lied to me...what is it now?......I'm so sorry time?

 

Ok, strike off defeated!!

 

Maybe you don't want to tell her to leave you alone, after all this is what you've been waiting for all this time. Contact. Now you don't know what to do with contact.

 

I'm going to say this again, trying to decipher her intent is useless. It bears no weight on what you hope for yourself. It all comes down to what you want. Yes, she betrayed you, lied to you and possibly cheated so why the need to analyze a friend request? You cannot control the actions of another. She may decide to bombard you with contact. What you can control is your reaction towards her contact and your need to do what is right for you.

 

"I'm so sorry" would be heartfelt. Not a mouse click on a button called "friend request". Again, her intent and motive is not your concern, IF you want to heal.

[lilyblue]

A friend request is a pretty wimpy way to try and re-establish contact. I'd expect much more from her if I were you, after what she did to you. If my ex ever contacts me I would hope it would first be to apologize, and then see where things go, not send out a friend request as a "feeler".

[mike588]

Ok, strike off defeated!!

 

Maybe you don't want to tell her to leave you alone, after all this is what you've been waiting for all this time. Contact. Now you don't know what to do with contact.

 

I'm going to say this again, trying to decipher her intent is useless. It bears no weight on what you hope for yourself. It all comes down to what you want. Yes, she betrayed you, lied to you and possibly cheated so why the need to analyze a friend request? You cannot control the actions of another. She may decide to bombard you with contact. What you can control is your reaction towards her contact and your need to do what is right for you.

 

"I'm so sorry" would be heartfelt. Not a mouse click on a button called "friend request". Again, her intent and motive is not your concern, IF you want to heal.

 

Thanks again,

 

I'm actually disappointed in myself for ignoring the red flags early on in the relationship....disappointed in allowing her to hurt me so bad or should I say disappointed for allowing myself to have been hurt so bad.

 

At 42 yrs. old and having been thru numerous relationships..breakups..I thought I'd be able to handle this one better...for some F-uped reason this one brought me to my knees.