Broke NC after 2 months, the outcome? An unexpected rollercoaster.

[ZimboGon]

(OKAY, I LIED. I haven't left yet, lmao. Just one more thread... to clear my head)

 

Well, you guys have seen me post here before. My story is pretty long, but short story, my ex and i had a great relationship for awhile, things got boring, and she left me for some inferior guy. After the break-up, i was so frustrated because i fought so hard for her, so i shut her out. She asked to be friends, begged me even. She even asked me to wait for her. I turned my back, told her to never talk to me again, told her she was nothing to me.

 

So, i decide to send her a message. She replies, and it starts off slow. We talk for a bit, about the break-up. An hour later, she texts me again, "What was the reason you decided to contact me?" I told her i didn't want bad blood with someone who used to mean so much to me. There was a misunderstanding after the break-up where i ran into her friends and they decided to insult me, and i defended myself. Word spread to her that i was spreading rumors about her or something. I guess this turned into fuel for her.

 

...She exploded.

 

She yelled at me for turning my back on her, for me apparently hating her, for me acting like an a**hole to her after the break-up. Everything was twisted. She was the one who lied to me and left me, yet i was the one defending myself. We ended up arguing for a good hour or so about everything. She ended up saying some pretty hurtful things. For someone who trusted me no matter what, she had been talking to me like i was a changed man, for the worse. I assured her, everything we had was genuine, and it meant something. I told her to stop bull****ing herself with things about me being a bad boyfriend, because i did everything i could for her. The tone shifted a bit, and she talked about how she really cared about me too. She explained how she felt restless, because i had time to experience other relationships and if i ever wanted things to work between us, i had to understand she needed to experience those things as well. I told her i understand, and to just be happy for now. Then she starts spewing about how bad she felt thinking that i hated her, and how it was a shame we broke up because she saw us lasting much longer than we did.

 

Not sure how i feel, at this point. I know what we had meant something. I've always strongly believed we will get back together, and she did hint at that possibility quite a bit, however she did use quite a bit of past tense. The only thing, she's still dating that guy she left me for. From what i hear, it isn't going well. In short, the guy isn't special. They don't share the same hobbies. He was basically her emotional doormat while she and i dated, and he used that status to manipulate everything. My belief is this yelling was result of her lying to herself, making herself hate me so she could deal with the break-up easier and move into this new guy without doubts. Pretty sure i did a good job at crushing that.

 

So, i left the ball in her court. She knows i don't hate her, but i won't be doing anything else to move this process along. I'm back to NC.

[BoredAgain]

Maybe she feels some regret over the breakup, maybe she feels guilt for jumping into this new relationship... I don't know. But when people get very angry at you for no good reason, a lot of the time it's covering up for some other emotion. I've heard instances where people get caught RED HANDED cheating, but instead of apologizing (or admitting any wrongdoing) they just get very angry at the person that caught them.

 

I'm not sure how I'd deal with that situation... I can remember dealing with it improperly in past relationships, but I don't know the proper way of dealing with it. For starers, I certainly wouldn't want to placate that guilt. After all, they were the dumpers, so it's not my job to make them feel better about it.

 

In one instance, an Ex was very concerned that I didn't "hate" her. Of course, I honestly didn't hate her and told her that, but she took it as an assurance from me that she didn't do anything wrong... which wasn't true at all.

Edited January 6, 2012 by BoredAgain

[Philosoraptor]

She still has not matured and is unsure of what she wants. Her blowing up then calming down in a way was to gain your sympathy. She needs to know you don't hate her so she can lose her guilt and needs you to be close enough just incase things don't work out with this new guy and she wants you back.

 

Many dumpers do this to be honest. They keep you close enough and want you to be hopeful just in case... but when things with the new guy reach a better spot then she felt in the past you are not needed anymore. If things don't work out they come back but are sure to leave again because if you were what they wanted to begin with they wouldn't have needed to leave. It's sad to hear but it's true.

[CaliGuy]

Once again, amigo, if she really wanted to be WITH you (if she is IN LOVE with you) then she would be and nothing would stop her from getting back to you.

 

Staying friends is a twisted way of them saying "I want you on the back burner in case any new relationships don't work, that way you can be my 'fall back to' guy"). That doesn't mean she is IN LOVE with you, that means she is comfortable with you but doesn't want to keep you. This is what is called "filler material" and what you would be if she says "Let's stay friends".

 

While you stay friends with someone you are IN LOVE with you it prevents you from meeting the one who TRULY wants to be with you.

 

Food for thought.

[ZimboGon]

She still has not matured and is unsure of what she wants. Her blowing up then calming down in a way was to gain your sympathy. She needs to know you don't hate her so she can lose her guilt and needs you to be close enough just incase things don't work out with this new guy and she wants you back.

 

Many dumpers do this to be honest. They keep you close enough and want you to be hopeful just in case... but when things with the new guy reach a better spot then she felt in the past you are not needed anymore. If things don't work out they come back but are sure to leave again because if you were what they wanted to begin with they wouldn't have needed to leave. It's sad to hear but it's true.

 

Thanks for the input everyone. You really think so? I'm not so sure.

 

She is pretty young. She has a lot of things to figure out... and our relationship was getting boring for various reasons, like how i didn't have a car and we just pretty much stayed in every day. I was her first real relationship, and i've dated people before her. When she said she felt restless, and she wanted to experience other relationships... I told her i understood, because i did. Is that wrong to say?

 

I feel like she's too young for her to realize the importance of a good partner, or at least... she did but not at this phase of her life. This guy she is with is an obvious downgrade, but he's new and he's a good outlet for her to make new friends.

 

I thought the emotion she displayed was a good thing, honestly. She's never talked to me that way before. When i turned my back, and told her how little she meant to me and she started avoiding me after that, it probably was a big deal. When we broke up, she told me she wanted to stay friends. I told her no, and she started begging... for a week. I told her i just couldn't do it, and then she even asked me to WAIT for her to get this out of her system. I just told her i hope she doesn't regret her decision and left. I mean, she was in tears about not having me in her life. Every time i told her i couldn't be her friend she started to breakdown and regret her decision.

 

I don't feel like her leaving me has to do with character, because we were together for awhile and there were other guys she could have easily done this with. I feel it was circumstance, mixed in with her age and immaturity. After awhile, when things got boring and required some work, we both tried for awhile but this guy kept pushing and pushing. He was one of her best friends, and he had an influence over her other friends and they kept telling her to break-up with me because i was such a 'horrible' guy.

Edited January 6, 2012 by ZimboGon

[Philosoraptor]

Even one in a first relationship can be mature enough to find happiness. I have had two co-workers who married and have been in their first relationship since high school and are very happy. It comes down to knowing one's self and truly finding what they want.

 

If you know yourself and have the maturity to express yourself in a productive way you will not need other's or other experiences. One does not let go when they are fully fulfilled by someone, but holds on and embraces all of the happiness, sadness, and love without looking over their shoulder at what else is out there.

 

Everyone matures at different rates and though some down the line realize that they had something good and come back... it is rare. Most of the "I can't imagine being without you" is because what they know is comfortable and it's hard to let that go... but that comfort and that person was not enough to fulfill them.

[ZimboGon]

Everyone matures at different rates and though some down the line realize that they had something good and come back... it is rare. Most of the "I can't imagine being without you" is because what they know is comfortable and it's hard to let that go... but that comfort and that person was not enough to fulfill them.

 

In a way, you are right. Our relationship was comfort, after awhile. That is all it was towards the end, because we did not do anything to add excitement. We were a great couple, we got along perfectly, we had the same interests, but without action it doesn't go anywhere. Most people i've talked to who married someone they dated in highschool broke up and some point and got back together. Pretty much in every story where i hear two people dated since they were young, they broke up at some point. Honestly, if she needed to experience dating another guy before she was more confident in me, i am fine with that.

 

I truly feel like we were meant to be, because things were perfect when we dated. We got along great, we had awesome communication and we never really fought. My friends were always jealous of my relationship because we worked so well together. Thats why the break-up was such a surprise to me. However, if things had been going at the pace they were, without us going out and doing anything i might've ended up taking a break as well. I myself went through that phase of thinking, what if somebody else out there was better? However, there was no one to reciprocate my feelings like she had, and i moved on from that with an even stronger sense of affection for her.

 

Its just, i feel like if we both grow and have the ability to go out and do things with each other and enjoy each others company, it will work great.

[Philosoraptor]

If things work out in your favor I will be nothing but happy for you.

 

Sadly this is not the way most things happen and people end up going back to ex's not because they are fulfilled, but because it was easier than being alone or looking for something that makes them truly happy. These relationships usually end up unhappy or ending again.

 

But again, I hope you find your peace in whatever happens in the future.

[ZimboGon]

If things work out in your favor I will be nothing but happy for you.

 

Sadly this is not the way most things happen and people end up going back to ex's not because they are fulfilled, but because it was easier than being alone or looking for something that makes them truly happy. These relationships usually end up unhappy or ending again.

 

But again, I hope you find your peace in whatever happens in the future.

 

Ah, well... Hopefully my case isn't so black and white. I have faith i actually meant something to her... So, i will always try to believe it won't happen again.

 

EDIT: and from your post, you doubt that she was truly happy with me?

Edited January 6, 2012 by ZimboGon

[Philosoraptor]

Well black and white is like saying there is no wiggle room. I don't use definites as everyone is different. I just speak from the majority and give advice based around self healing and finding both peace with the situation at hand and peace within ourselves.

 

I never made a claim that you meant nothing to this person. If you didn't they would never come back, even if it is to only use someone as a soft place to land before they bounce again. Comfort in someone is hard to find and many mistake this as being "in love". You are not in love with one that you are just comfortable with, you need someone that fulfills your needs and expectations out of a romantic partner.

 

I love many that I am comfortable with, but I am not in love with them.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Philosoraptor

[ZimboGon]

Well black and white is like saying there is no wiggle room. I don't use definites as everyone is different. I just speak from the majority and give advice based around self healing and finding both peace with the situation at hand and peace within ourselves.

 

I never made a claim that you meant nothing to this person. If you didn't they would never come back, even if it is to only use someone as a soft place to land before they bounce again. Comfort in someone is hard to find and many mistake this as being "in love". You are not in love with one that you are just comfortable with, you need someone that fulfills your needs and expectations out of a romantic partner.

 

I love many that I am comfortable with, but I am not in love with them.

 

Understandable. I however know that i did at many points fulfill her needs and expectations. I was a good boyfriend to her, and she loved me. She would send me letters about how much she did. We did so much together.

 

Everything started to change around september, though. I went through a phase of depression. I became reclusive, and i didn't want to do anything. I went from the spontaneous, random guy who didn't care about what people thought to the comfortable, monotone, more insecure guy. Shortly after, things became boring, and her social life sparked for the first time in years.

 

I know she didn't leave me just because she found someone better. If that was truly, truly the case, it wouldn't have been so hard for her to leave me. She wouldn't have bothered yelling at me through text that day. I would wager everything i have on the fact that i did make her happy, and that i CAN make her happier than anyone else ever possibly could. I could make her laugh and laugh by saying a simple word. She could never, ever stop smiling when she saw me. Even after we broke up, i ran into her and she did the best she possibly could to avoid me, we made eye contact and that same smile started to cross her face.

Edited January 6, 2012 by ZimboGon

[Philosoraptor]

When we are hurt or scared of the future many times we diminish the issues of the past and maximize the good points. We also tend to blame ourselves and put our ex on a pedestal while digging a ditch for ourselves.

 

I went crazy early on as well. Most of us do... but we heal when we find forgiveness in our ex, ourselves, and find inner peace.

 

It is hard to leave comfort because it is so familiar; but that does not always fulfill our emotional and romantic needs out of a relationship. Just like yourself I fulfilled some of my ex's needs but not all of them enough of the time... and honestly she didn't for me either. What started off as love became more of a comfort and it hurt to let go of. We were back and forth for years trying to make it work. But if you're not fulfilled with someone you're just not fulfilled.

 

She has not found her peace but I hope one day she does as I wish nothing but happiness for her.

[ZimboGon]

When we are hurt or scared of the future many times we diminish the issues of the past and maximize the good points. We also tend to blame ourselves and put our ex on a pedestal while digging a ditch for ourselves.

 

I went crazy early on as well. Most of us do... but we heal when we find forgiveness in our ex, ourselves, and find inner peace.

 

It is hard to leave comfort because it is so familiar; but that does not always fulfill our emotional and romantic needs out of a relationship. Just like yourself I fulfilled some of my ex's needs but not all of them enough of the time... and honestly she didn't for me either. What started off as love became more of a comfort and it hurt to let go of. We were back and forth for years trying to make it work. But if you're not fulfilled with someone you're just not fulfilled.

 

She has not found her peace but I hope one day she does as I wish nothing but happiness for her.

 

I wish happiness for you and whatever events that have transpired in your life.

 

I have confronted the negatives of the relationship. I had to, after we broke up. I had to figure out what was wrong and why it happened. My mind was full of negatives. At first, she was the bad guy in my mind. Then it was me. Then i realized, it wasn't either of us. Things had happened. Then, i forgave her. If i hadn't, i wouldn't have been able to text her. Coming to terms with the flaws in our relationship was a very important process in me understanding both of us as a whole, and realizing what would work.

 

I wouldn't have texted her if i didn't have faith in that. Our needs were met... But things happened. Situations occurred that neither of us handled well. There is no way i could put her on a pedestal. She LIED to me, and she left me for another guy.

 

But, after two months... I think of the good times we had. We had plenty. From romantic evenings on the shore, to us laying in a bed together for 24 hours straight talking about our life. There are two things i know...

 

1. I love this girl, and at one point she loved me. She is worth the effort to be with.

2. I have faith in myself and what i pursue with my own judgement, and in return, that allows me to have faith in her and everyone else.

[Philosoraptor]

It sounds like you did the work you needed and you seem to know that it always takes two people, wanting the same things, and being to fulfill one another, to make a successful relationship. If things work out for you then that will be wonderful, but you must know that she has matured to a level in which she can address her own issues. As I'm sure you can see, jumping relationships does not show any sort of maturation and she will need time to sit alone and fight her internal battles before any true second chance could take place. You can not accept one back who has not corrected their own issues or you are doomed to fight the same losing battle. It's a mistake that I made many times and it wasn't until I set my boundaries that I was able to acheive true happiness.

 

Best of luck to you my friend

[ZimboGon]

It sounds like you did the work you needed and you seem to know that it always takes two people, wanting the same things, and being to fulfill one another, to make a successful relationship. If things work out for you then that will be wonderful, but you must know that she has matured to a level in which she can address her own issues. As I'm sure you can see, jumping relationships does not show any sort of maturation and she will need time to sit alone and fight her internal battles before any true second chance could take place. You can not accept one back who has not corrected their own issues or you are doomed to fight the same losing battle. It's a mistake that I made many times and it wasn't until I set my boundaries that I was able to acheive true happiness.

 

Best of luck to you my friend

 

Thanks for your help. One more question, if you don't mind. I know people ask this all the time, and it is impossible for you to judge because you don't know the people, and giving false hope is bad. Just, based on your life experience and what you know about these situations...

 

You think it would be likely i would hear from her in the future so i can actually take advantage of this and reconcile?

[Philosoraptor]

One who has not healed is more likely to come back than one who has healed. The one who has healed may come back to apologize for their wrongdoings but it is rare to find a fulfilling relationship as more often than not they have healed from you (towards themselves and their desires from this world), not towards you.

 

If this person does come back verify that they have healed first by asking questions specific to the past relationship and the issues that caused the falling out. Next this needs to be approached as a new relationship because both people will have taken the time to mature. If you jump back in from where you left off you are likely to take the same path.

 

If this person shows no maturation you know the result already and you are best off to continue to heal yourself and do a good deed by giving them the wisdom to heal themselves so that they can have a more fulfilling relationship (with whomever) in the future.

[ZimboGon]

Interesting. But, so you are saying one who has healed will move on without looking back?

 

What if someone continues life, starts to date other people, and realizes that they were always happier with that first person? I would think, that the chances that they come back after they've healed WOULD be larger if the relationship actually meant something to them. If they haven't healed, they would be more likely to jump from relationships without confronting the problem.

 

Either way, if we do get back together i do plan to start from scratch. There is no way we can just pick up where we left off, we both have changed since we broke up.

[Philosoraptor]

No, one who heals has to look back in order to correct the issues. I'm saying that the odds are that if they had the need to leave the relationship or had the sudden urge that they will find the responsible issues for those feelings and will see them as dealbreakers. As I said, I will not say they will or wont, just what is the more common occurence. Many people who make moves like this may not know why, but the gut feeling they have to leave is usually right. They do it in the wrong way though and do not understand why they don't feel the way they need to... but with self study they learn what the issue was. At times it may not be a big deal yet more often than not it was something that they were not happy with and would not go back to.

 

My relationship meant a lot to me. 5 years, engaged, a house together, wonderful experiences, and a future talked about and built together. After doing my own maturation I knew that there were things I just could not accept and that the relationship would never last. I'm sure she will realize the true issues on her part as well when she decides to take the time to gain inner clarity. Things ended on scapegoat issues on her part and I'm certain she will figure out the issues at some point.

[ZimboGon]

Makes sense. If you really feel it isn't meant to be, then trust that feeling in your gut.

 

She left me for a different reason, though. It wasn't that she just couldn't see a future with me, she's young. She most likely doesn't even think that way nor did it filter into her decision. She made a rash choice that she wanted to go out and experience life freely, and she felt that i was keeping her chained from that. In a way, our relationship was getting serious and needed commitment from both of us(as i am older, and busy with my own things), so it was keeping her held down to an extent, because she isn't mature enough to know how to correctly balance her friends between her relationship. When we dated, it was either one or the other in her mind. The person she left me for is in her circle of friends, and when they hang out it consists of a group. She solved her problem that way.

 

But, i think she cared about me enough so she will start to regret that solution overtime. That is another reason why i think she tried so hard to keep me in her life when we broke up, because she wasn't sure AT ALL at what she was doing. So, it makes sense she was so upset when i turned my back on her. She must of had a mass of different emotions.

 

So, when she grows up and realizes what she wants in a relationship, i think she will mold that design around me because i showed her what it was like. This person she is with now could never fit that mold. He's too young, selfish, and insecure about himself.

[Philosoraptor]

That could be true my friend. But I fear that many use the "I need life experience" reason as a way to soften the blow rather than to be honest. Many take the "soft" route rather than the honest route as they believe that it will hurt less. When in practice it might sting more but it doesn't linger when one is honest about a breakup.

 

I'm not saying this is her case whatsoever as she is the only one who truly knows; but many go the soft route and only cause more pain due to those being dumped holding on due to a slight glimmer of hope. I'd never suggest to look at life in black and white (grey is my favorite color by the way ) as there are too many parts inbetween. The only thing I suggest in times of emotional pain is a good dose of logic to help with the healing.

 

I hope you find happiness and peace in whatever transpires

[ZimboGon]

Thank you.

 

Its just tiring. I have so much faith that she'll come back, and everyday i don't hear from her and everyday that goes by that i'm not dating her is a disappointment. Just have to keep my head up.

 

/end rant.

[Philosoraptor]

Take that hope and faith and put it into something productive. Work on yourself, give to others who have less, and become an island.

 

I need not be hurt by others failure to please me, but allow them only to increase the happiness that I already feel inside. When things do not work out in an ideal way it is not a failure, but a new avenue to be explored with optimism.

[perfectlyflawed459]

Take that hope and faith and put it into something productive. Work on yourself, give to others who have less, and become an island.

 

I need not be hurt by others failure to please me, but allow them only to increase the happiness that I already feel inside. When things do not work out in an ideal way it is not a failure, but a new avenue to be explored with optimism.

 

Amen to this

[ken_25]

Not unexpected, I told you that you should stay away right now. Lesson learned.