All out in the open.

[despicableME]

It is not your job to facilitate or in any way ease the way for their reconciliation. Don't limit what information he receives from you based helping them stay together.

 

This is my dilemma. I feel pressured into "curbing" the truth in order for them to reconcile. I know if he's looking for intimate details, he's gonna get hurt.

 

Thanks.

Edited January 6, 2012 by despicableME

[stillafool]

 

IUmmm..."we"?

 

How about you for not even caring about either woman.

 

I have sympathy for his wife however the MOW is f--ked up for what she did to her husband. She is responsible for her own choices and the outcome.

[stillafool]

This is my dilemma. I feel pressured into "curbing" the truth in order for them to reconcile. I know if he's looking for intimate details, he's gonna get hurt.

 

Thanks.

 

I don't think there is a reason to give him intimate details other than to admit that you did have sex with his wife if he asks. Any details in relationship to that should come from her.

[whichwayisup]

And people wonder why so many MM don't post on LS. A prime example.. If this was a MW (MOW) posting about her MM, how advice and thoughts given would be totally different!

 

Anyway, no need to go into details about sex, what and how many times, where etc.. When he asks, really all you have to say is yes we had sex often. It isn't up to you to tell about g string panties etc.. That's on her to tell him when they are alone.

 

How does your wife feel about this? Is she willing to go as well?

[SoMovinOn]

I don't doubt that she wants to R with him, LadyGrey. But I do know she doesn't want me to tell him about her initial plans on leaving him. I'm sure it was fog babble, but it was her intention. I just want this to go away(I know... I know).

 

I'm also pretty sure she down-played the sex- including the sex acts- we were engaged in. I really don't know how NOT to lie about this. This aspect was probably what kept the affair going in the first place.

 

If I were in his position, I'm pretty sure I'd ask some details about this. I just want to answer as truthfully as I can- I don't want to keep anything from him anymore.

 

When she cornered me the other day, she asked me- "Please don't be too graphic." We engaged in some pretty heavy stuff. How am I supposed explain that to him(warning: tmi- I used to tie off her thong to her ankle during our escapades) when he asks... or, if he asks to detail what we did? I mean... am I supposed to tell him these things? I'm at a loss.

 

By the way, thanks for the input.

 

As a BS I asked about some details. When I knew those details, I realized how much knowing such details didn't help or change anything, and some I'd prefer to not know.

 

You can be both honest and not answer some of his questions at the same time.

 

Focus on answering questions about the A which only involve you. You can deflect other questions by simply saying "I think that's something she could answer for you better than I". If he asks you for details about what happened between you two in bed say something like "I am not comfortable discussing those details, and I don't think knowing them will help you get to where you want to be."

 

Encourage him to focus on the present and moving forward, rather than on digging too much into the past. Knowing you and she had an A is really everything he needs to know. There isn't a single detail he can learn which will change that.

[SoMovinOn]

Make it clear that you're DONE with her at this point...that this is the last contact you will EVER, EVER have with either one of them. Ensure that he understands that this ONE TIME question and answer episode will be the last contact of any kind between either of them and yourself. Let them know...you're going to need to heal from this too, and going complete NC with both of them is the only way that this will happen.

 

I'd add in one thing...make it clear that ANY attempt to contact you by her will be immediately forwarded on to him...as you intend to stay well clear of the whole situation from this point forward.

 

I think this is outstanding advice!!

[spice4life]

I agree with everything owl posted! That's what you should do. And sorry to hear you are facing this right now. Unfortunately, these are the consequences one may have to confront by getting involved in an affair. You have owned up to your mistakes though and that's a good thing! You will be fine once this all blows over and guess what? You will be a better person too!

 

Good luck this weekend.

[Quiet Storm]

As a BS I asked about some details. When I knew those details, I realized how much knowing such details didn't help or change anything, and some I'd prefer to not know.

 

You can be both honest and not answer some of his questions at the same time.

 

Focus on answering questions about the A which only involve you. You can deflect other questions by simply saying "I think that's something she could answer for you better than I". If he asks you for details about what happened between you two in bed say something like "I am not comfortable discussing those details, and I don't think knowing them will help you get to where you want to be."

 

Encourage him to focus on the present and moving forward, rather than on digging too much into the past. Knowing you and she had an A is really everything he needs to know. There isn't a single detail he can learn which will change that.

 

I totally disagree. YOU realized how much the details didn't matter to YOU. You have no idea what will matter to her husband.

 

There are many details that may be imortant to him, and it's not anyone's else right to decide what details he needs.

 

Maybe she did stuff with the OM that she would never do with him. Maybe she gave him oral, anal or other things that she was never willing to do with her husband.

 

That information may be very relevant in his decision to whether reconcile or divorce, and IMO, if he asks the questions, he deserves the truth. No matter how hurtful it may be to him.

 

If he doesn't want details, don't provide them. But don't sugarcoat or filter the truth that he does want.

 

For many men with cheating wives, the sexual details are very important. Most BW on the other hand, are more concerned with the emotions in an affair, and the sexual details aren't as important. You shouldn't use your own personal experience or your own preference of what you think YOU'd want to know, because he is a totally different person than you, and he can decide what is important or not for HIMSELF.

 

Knowing that his wife was willing to be more sexual and open with another man, than she was with him, can definitely be a deal breaker. He is trying to find out the truth about his wife, the one who promised to be faithful to him, and he is trying to decide if she is worthy of another chance.

 

I say give him all the details he wants, but like Owl said, let him know that he has one chance to ask, and that's it.

 

If he won't reconcile with his wife because you tied her up with her thong, so be it. That's his right to decide.

[despicableME]

I totally agree!!! So why not grow some, man up and not say anything? You had a relationship with her, not him. What you ate doing shows you as less of a man. Did you ever tell her you weren't leaving your wife?

You had sex with her, so be a man, get over this insane LS mentality that you have to tell all, and show some decency to that woman

Then grow a bigger set, and try and adress your issues with your wife. You owe it to both woman. Your mw relationship with her husband is none of your bussiness, so bow out with dignity and respect for the woman( women) you obviously used.

Jeez, out of all the screwed up things I've read on here, this takes the cake!!!

Be a man!!

 

 

After reading through your thread I gotta say you have some F*CKING nerve calling ME out like that, when you did the very same thing... only you didn't come clean because you think sooooo highly of yourself.

 

WHAT A JOKE!!!

 

You go on to say "Be a man!!" Well, darlin'... I am a man. I owned-up to my *****, and don't romanticize it the way you shamefully do with your indescretions.

 

Seriously... I can't wrap my head around the way you try to be so nonchalant about your piss-poor decision to "pull the plug" on your situation. At least I have the testicular fortitude to face my demons, and not hide behind the fake-ass facade you call a persona.

 

SERIOUSLY... I MEAN SERIOUSLY. Where the F*CK do you get off.

[bentnotbroken]

I totally disagree. YOU realized how much the details didn't matter to YOU. You have no idea what will matter to her husband.

 

There are many details that may be imortant to him, and it's not anyone's else right to decide what details he needs.

 

Maybe she did stuff with the OM that she would never do with him. Maybe she gave him oral, anal or other things that she was never willing to do with her husband.

 

That information may be very relevant in his decision to whether reconcile or divorce, and IMO, if he asks the questions, he deserves the truth. No matter how hurtful it may be to him.

 

If he doesn't want details, don't provide them. But don't sugarcoat or filter the truth that he does want.

 

For many men with cheating wives, the sexual details are very important. Most BW on the other hand, are more concerned with the emotions in an affair, and the sexual details aren't as important. You shouldn't use your own personal experience or your own preference of what you think YOU'd want to know, because he is a totally different person than you, and he can decide what is important or not for HIMSELF.

 

Knowing that his wife was willing to be more sexual and open with another man, than she was with him, can definitely be a deal breaker. He is trying to find out the truth about his wife, the one who promised to be faithful to him, and he is trying to decide if she is worthy of another chance.

 

I say give him all the details he wants, but like Owl said, let him know that he has one chance to ask, and that's it.

 

If he won't reconcile with his wife because you tied her up with her thong, so be it. That's his right to decide.

 

 

 

DITTO! There are some of us who needed every last single nasty detail to make our decision and see it through. What I need to move on may not be what you need to move or in this case the BS of DM situation. If the BS asks...give it to him. If he does not ask then DM should do what the atmosphere calls for. The emotional and sexual details did matter to me.

[thomasb]

I agree with you totally. By ending the affair and being straight up and honest you are being a man! Some of us do grow enough balls the live authentically. Feels quite nice to me to no longer be a coward who is hiding my desespcable behavior behind cowardlyness. Good for you and keep up the good work!

[thomasb]

double post....sorry

Edited January 6, 2012 by thomasb

[PhoenixRise]

As a BS I asked about some details. When I knew those details, I realized how much knowing such details didn't help or change anything, and some I'd prefer to not know.

 

You can be both honest and not answer some of his questions at the same time.

 

Focus on answering questions about the A which only involve you. You can deflect other questions by simply saying "I think that's something she could answer for you better than I". If he asks you for details about what happened between you two in bed say something like "I am not comfortable discussing those details, and I don't think knowing them will help you get to where you want to be."

 

Encourage him to focus on the present and moving forward, rather than on digging too much into the past. Knowing you and she had an A is really everything he needs to know. There isn't a single detail he can learn which will change that.

 

 

I say absolutely DON'T do this.

 

Do not encourage him to see it any particular way. Do not encourage him to focus on the present and moving forward.

 

He is not likely to want, need, or accept tamely any notion that the man who screwed his wife has any right to tell him how he should feel about it or where his focus should be now.

 

Just answer his questions truthfully and let the chips fall where they may regarding their reconciliation. If they divorce it will be because of her actions not because of your words.

[KathyM]

I'd just like to say that I admire the OP's courage in confessing the affair to his wife. You did the right thing, and took responsibility for your actions. Now do the right thing by her husband, and tell him the truth in whatever he wants to know. He deserves the truth, and you can be sure that he won't be getting it from his WS. If he wants the sordid details, give it to him. For a lot of people, the pain of not knowing what happened is worse than the pain of knowing those details. If he asks for them, give it to him. Some people need those details in order to move on from this, whether moving on means giving up on the relationship or being able to put it past them and reconcile. If he asks for the details, give it to him.

[YellowShark]

After reading through your thread I gotta say you have some F*CKING nerve calling ME out like that, when you did the very same thing... only you didn't come clean because you think sooooo highly of yourself.

 

WHAT A JOKE!!!

 

You go on to say "Be a man!!" Well, darlin'... I am a man. I owned-up to my *****, and don't romanticize it the way you shamefully do with your indescretions.

 

Seriously... I can't wrap my head around the way you try to be so nonchalant about your piss-poor decision to "pull the plug" on your situation. At least I have the testicular fortitude to face my demons, and not hide behind the fake-ass facade you call a persona.

 

SERIOUSLY... I MEAN SERIOUSLY. Where the F*CK do you get off.

 

It's been nearly 1.5 years and my EX and the MM she was having an affair with *still* deny that I caught them red handed. To everyone. So I applaud you despicableME. At least you have the balls to man up, regardless of the level of detail.

 

I would have loved an apology from my EX and/or the MM, especially since I was with her for 7 years, and he "was" a trusted close personal friend. But all I got was more lies. No real closure. And that is what I think this BS is seeking too. Just the truth and an apology, then he can decide what to do with his wayward wife.

[PhoenixRise]

Why not invite your wife to the meeting and allow your xmow to inform her of anything she might need to know to make informed choices too?

 

I mean, if it's all out in the open on her side,why not make it all out in the open on your side?

 

 

DM confessed the affair to his wife already. She left. She doesn't need a meeting. She already made her informed choice.

[despicableME]

I mean, if it's all out in the open on her side,why not make it all out in the open on your side? I'm more than sure you haven't divulged all of the details to your wife.

 

Are you FOR REAL?

 

Didn't you care to read anything before posting your ignorant rant?

 

How many times will the informed posters make it known that I confessed and she left me... we're headed toward DIVORCE.

[Quiet Storm]

And of course there is a certain amount of projection on my part due to my history with a xMM who played my heart like a fiddle to get laid,knowing I loved him and was risking my marriage for him and left it for him...so yeah.

 

But don't you see that by getting involved and buying MM's BS in the first place, you played yourself?

 

This is what I don't get! Where is the personal responsibility? You let logic go out the window and were a slave to your heart and emotions. That's no different than a MM being a slave to his d*ck. Think about that, and maybe you won't get used again.

[spice4life]

HeartOn, despicableme came clean to his wife without being caught and she left him. There is NO wife to ask to this meeting. Geez, you need to read his responses so you can post more accurately. Don't jump to conclusions without reading the facts first. Despicable happen to own his mistake, came clean to his wife ALL on his own and has suffered the consequences.

[despicableME]

^This is truly unbelievable... I mean, my head is just spinning trying to understand your reasoning.

 

Your telling me, you are/were an innocent "victim" that was taken-in by this nefarious OM.

 

PLEASE!!!

 

You really need some therapy to get over this... PRONTO!

[PhoenixRise]

Odd how you think you have a right to be defensive under the circumstances.Seems to me,you are pissed off that you are paying for your misdeeds.I didn't know that you had confessed and she left.Now I do.

 

Obviously since you lost your wife,now you feel it's time for her to lose her husband.

 

 

Unless I missed something DM did not go looking for the BH with the intention of causing trouble in the MOW's marriage by telling the truth about the affair.

 

The BH is seeking out DM to talk about the affair. Apparently the MOW had a dday.

 

AND

 

What will cause her to lose her husband is the fact that she had an affair. It won't be anything that DM says to the husband about it. It will be because DM has anything at all to tell. MW doesn't cheat = nothing to tell= no loss of the husband.

[despicableME]

Thank you people.

 

Obviously this woman is deeply hurt and wounded about her ordeal... I get it, but you(she) shouldn't be projecting your situation onto others'.

 

Seriously... I don't mean to sound rude, but have you sought counseling for this? You need to channel this anger in a more positive manner. It is defintely eating you up inside.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

So don't call us "victims" if you want us to seem as though we asked for that

sort of treatment for getting involved with you MM...but really,if we KNEW you

didn't LOVE us,do you think we would have anything to do with you as MM?

 

You are not a victim. You made your choice to lay with MM. I'm sure your husband could make that same statment in that if you loved him you would have never gotten involved with another man in the first place.

[thomasb]

Odd how you think you have a right to be defensive under the circumstances.Seems to me,you are pissed off that you are paying for your misdeeds.I didn't know that you had confessed and she left.Now I do.

 

Obviously since you lost your wife,now you feel it's time for her to lose her husband.

 

 

What you don't see is that you are the bitter one. You are so angry about the fact your MM preferred his wife you cannot be objective. This kind of mindless rant will only make you look like a fool.

[thomasb]

The only victim is the married mans BW. Ow was a willing participant.