All out in the open.

[despicableME]

^I see that now. That's why its so hard to admit my affair brought these feelings out.

 

I'm just being as honest and forthright with the questioning as I can.

Edited January 31, 2012 by despicableME

[beenburned]

DM,

You're doing a great job of handling all of this!(and processing the info)

[despicableME]

Just got served at work today. The reality of it is hitting hard, right now.

[beenburned]

I'm sorry!

[Afishwithabike]

Just got served at work today. The reality of it is hitting hard, right now.

 

Well here's to hoping the divorce goes fast and as smoothly as possible.

[Emme]

I'm sorry DM. *hug*

[despicableME]

Thanks, Emme.

 

It's done... we are done.

 

 

Oddly enough, I don't feel ANYTHING... just numb.

[whichwayisup]

Why aren't you fighting for your marriage? Did you even try? You confessing your affair and then doing nothing to win her back = you don't want really want to be married in my opinion.

 

I don't know your whole story (I'm new here), but it sounds like from the bits and pieces I've read - you came clean and then effectively gave up . . . all under the guise of "respecting her wishes."

 

My husband literally fell to the ground (to my feet actually) begging and crying, among other concrete actions to make it up to me and show me he was willing to change and expressed (and continues to express) remorse. Still hasn't given up even though I'm not so sure we will remain married. I've been to other boards and that's typical of a husband desperate to keep the marriage intact - do whatever they can to SHOW they want it.

 

Again, I'm sorry I don't know your story, but what did you do to save the marriage? Did you even want to save it?

 

Read his full thread and story before saying why didn't you fight for your marriage. He did! His wife chose to not forgive him and said she wanted out, wanted a divorce, she was done. He loved her enough and respected her decision by doing what she wanted.

[Emme]

Thanks, Emme.

 

It's done... we are done.

 

 

Oddly enough, I don't feel ANYTHING... just numb.

 

 

Are you at all going to keep in contact with her or does she want nothing to do with you ever again? That ANYTHING for some reason scares me . The reality I know is here for you and maybe that's the "anything." Are you at all looking to your future. Have you looked at life in a positive light? Maybe this was suppose to happen. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Also if you are religious god won't give you more than you can handle. What's next for you in life, have you even thought about it. I wish you the best I really do.

[despicableME]

Why aren't you fighting for your marriage? Did you even try? You confessing your affair and then doing nothing to win her back = you don't want really want to be married in my opinion.

 

No need to apologize.

 

To be honest Alice, I have gone through the same thoughts in my own head. I was at a loss at what to do, though. She wanted out from the get-go. I thought that by appeasing her, I was doing the "right thing." She was adamant about never seeing or speaking to me ever again.

 

I'd be lying if I said I did all I could to save my marriage, but there was just so much confusion on both sides. I didn't know where to turn. My own family doesn't know the extent of my betrayal.

 

In the end, it was too late and she was too far gone. There will always be that regret on my part- not trying hard enough to salvage my marriage.

 

 

That ANYTHING for some reason scares me .

 

Not to worry. I'm not going to do anything drastic. If I can describe my feelings right now- hollow would suffice. It feels like I'm walking around in an empty shell of myself.

 

Are you at all looking to your future. Have you looked at life in a positive light?

 

What's next for you in life, have you even thought about it. I wish you the best I really do.

 

I'm just taking things day by day, right now. I don't know what the future holds, Emme... I really don't.

 

I do plan on resigning my position once I've found something similar to the work I've been doing. I don't really care much along the lines of compensation. It just reminds me of the affair, though- the sights; the sounds; the smell. I just need to get away from it all.

 

I still have to co-exist with my former AP for the time being, as we work on projects together. We've made it a point to be surrounded by other colleagues when interacting, so as not to be alone.

 

 

Again, thanks for your concern, and for everyone's input.

 

I do apologize if I've rubbed people the wrong way with my candor. I tend to "shoot from the hip" at times... SORRY.

[beenburned]

DM,

You said" your own family doesn't even know the extent of your betrayals".

 

I think you need to talk to them for support during this time in your life.

 

Your numbness sounds like shock from the reality of your d-day.

 

Are you a conflict avoider in your everyday life?

 

My H was, and when we had our d-day, he didn't want to appear to family, friends, co-workers as the bad guy that broke up our marriage with his cheating.

 

He did everything possible to make me file for divorce(without confessing to his family about what the problem was).

 

I told him bluntly that he would be the one to file for divorce.(since he obviously wasn't happy w/me)

I also told him if he didn't tell his family the truth, that I would.

[despicableME]

Alice... it's a done deal.

 

 

My family knows I cheated. They just don't know the extent of it- Who it was with? How long?

 

Althought they support me, they are very disappointed in my actions. My mom especially, as she was very close to my ex-wife.

 

I'm not a "conflict avoider" by any means. I just feel this is my cross to bear.

 

I haven't discussed any of this with our mutual friends yet. I've kept a low profile as of late. I can't say for sure my reaction when I do run into some of these people, but shame does come to mind.

[sad puppy]

You say you haven't discussed this with any mutual friends. When my xMM confessed to the affair, after they had amicably decided to divorce (crazy, I know), she went out and told "everybody". What she did not tell "everybody" was that she had refused sex for 8 years. That's what made him mad. She was going for the sympathy card without acknowledging her role in the breakdown of the marriage. 8 years? Not even a kiss on the lips for 2.5 years. C'mon now.

 

I think it's a bit reckless to go share a lot of private marital details, including affair details, beyond very close, supportive friends. Primarily because, there may be a reconciliation, and then "everybody" has a little too much info, moving forward. But also, some things should remain private, not entertainment for "everybody".

 

Yeah, you can call it your "cross to bear", another way is to just own it. Own your behavior and own the consequences. This is my rant as of late. We all have to own our choices in life and own the consequences. I have not gone thru all your posts, but, unless you are just a selfish, cruel idiot, there were probably underlying issues within your marriage that contributed to your decision to cheat. This is not an excuse in any way for your behavior, but I have never seen someone happily married - cheat. Except for the selfish, cruel idiots.

 

So, frame it as you are working on accepting the consequences of your actions. You will ultimately be fine at some point. Life is rough, we have all made decisions we are not happy with. Learn your lesson, make sure you understand what led you to do this so you don't find yourself in the same mess again in the future. And, yes, you have a future. What kind of future depends on how you process this part of your journey. Good luck.

[beenburned]

sad puppy,

Your MM's story sounds like lies to make himself look better.

 

I personally don't know of anyone that would stay married to a spouse that wouldn't have sex with them for 8 years.

 

DM,

How are you today? Is the divorce coming along fairly easy?

 

I personally know of people that are still close to their former in-laws. Divorce affects everyone in the extended families.(especially when children/grandchildren are involved)

 

The most important thing to remember is: to learn and grow from your mistakes, in order to be a better person in the future.

[sad puppy]

sad puppy,

Your MM's story sounds like lies to make himself look better.

 

I personally don't know of anyone that would stay married to a spouse that wouldn't have sex with them for 8 years.

 

DM,

How are you today? Is the divorce coming along fairly easy?

 

I personally know of people that are still close to their former in-laws. Divorce affects everyone in the extended families.(especially when children/grandchildren are involved)

 

The most important thing to remember is: to learn and grow from your mistakes, in order to be a better person in the future.

 

No, this is true. I had commented a long time ago about being celibate for many years to him, he laughed and said he was pretty much celibate throught his entire 40's. He also told a number of friends about the situation after he moved out (which is where he found out that she left out this little tidbit in her reporting of the affair), and told his sister, to which she replied "that's weird".

 

With regards to not knowing anyone that would stay in a sexless marriage for so long, and I too find it to be unreal, experience project has thousands of people reporting about their sexless marriages. Apparently it is much more common that one would think. Very sad. Lots of people in unhappy situations but seemingly tied to finances, real estate, children, sense of obligation, ... I've done a lot of reading about this to try & understand it, and for whatever reason many folks find themselves in this situation.

 

HOWEVER, having said that - I am well aware that many people are in unhappy marrages and don't cheat, ... cheaters cheat.

[Afishwithabike]

DM,

 

I hope you're doing better today.

 

It sounds like your wife is one of those people who knows her mind. Some people might be able to forgive and reconcile after a ONS or a short EA, but an intense EA/PA is so hard to get past.

Sometimes all you can do is work on you and it sounds like you've used the aftermath of D-Day for self-analysis and deeper reflection. That's got to be useful in the years to come. At some point in the future, you'll need to forgive yourself too for what you've done.

[despicableME]

No sex for 8 years? Why didn't he just leave?

 

I guess the stability and familiarity of a marriage might have been a factor.

 

Regarding your xMM's wife, I've read that spouses often rewrite marriage history in order to paint themselves in a better light- a revisionist angle.

 

 

unless you are just a selfish, cruel idiot, there were probably underlying issues within your marriage that contributed to your decision to cheat. This is not an excuse in any way for your behavior, but I have never seen someone happily married - cheat. Except for the selfish, cruel idiots.

 

You might say I was all these things, as I really can't recall "satisfaction" being a negative issue in my marriage.

 

 

I personally know of people that are still close to their former in-laws.

 

Yeah... ummm... that's not gonna happen. They are very hurt.

 

 

It sounds like your wife is one of those people who knows her mind. Some people might be able to forgive and reconcile after a ONS or a short EA, but an intense EA/PA is so hard to get past.

 

While I agree with you on some level, I think the betrayal itself is what matters. Be it a ONS or a LTA affair, the act of betraying someone is just so damaging to the innocent party. It's quite a burden to bear.

 

 

(I try to answer as honestly and truthfully as I can, even if it means I'm gonna take some hits.)

 

 

sad puppy, beenburned, Afishwithabike- THANKS.

[woinlove]

You might say I was all these things, as I really can't recall "satisfaction" being a negative issue in my marriage.

 

One might describe anyone who cheated as having acted as a selfish, cruel idiot. While some place a lot of emphasis on whether the cheater said or thought they were in love, often the actions are the same independent of what feelings they expressed. To an uninvolved observer, their behavior does not look like that of someone who loves anyone and I think some people project altruistic feelings into their situation in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

 

I think the greatest distinction between people who cheated comes with how they handle the aftermath. If they chose honesty, with themselves and others, and acknowledge their selfishness and bad behavior, are able to recognize the difference between bad and good behavior in others involved (despite what love is or is not professed) and are determined to aspire to better behavior and are willing to put in the effort to get there, they then positively distinguish themselves from many others who cheat. To me, statements of love do nothing to distinguish them positively, and seem to be just a form of continuing self-deception when their actions are not loving.

[frozensprouts]

You say you haven't discussed this with any mutual friends. When my xMM confessed to the affair, after they had amicably decided to divorce (crazy, I know), she went out and told "everybody". What she did not tell "everybody" was that she had refused sex for 8 years. That's what made him mad. She was going for the sympathy card without acknowledging her role in the breakdown of the marriage. 8 years? Not even a kiss on the lips for 2.5 years. C'mon now.

 

 

.

 

while telling everybody may not have been the smartest thing she could have done, some people need to do that. often it's not to garner sympathy, but more because they feel lost and need something, anything, to help "stabalize" themselves.

[frozensprouts]

DM,

How are you today? Is the divorce coming along fairly easy?

 

I personally know of people that are still close to their former in-laws. Divorce affects everyone in the extended families.(especially when children/grandchildren are involved)

 

The most important thing to remember is: to learn and grow from your mistakes, in order to be a better person in the future.

 

my parents are like that with my brother's ex-wife. They were always close o her, and sometimes she comes and stays with them for a few days. My brother knows, and is okay with this.

[frozensprouts]

is there anyone close to you that you can talk to right now, who will be a support for you when you need them? Posting on line is great, but it can't replace a real person.

[beenburned]

SP,

Why can you not believe that people in happy marriages do cheat on their spouses? Stats back this up.

 

Sometimes it is just something missing within the WS that makes them cheat. DM just said he was satisfied in his marriage.

 

Just look at all the men that are rich and sucessful, and are married to beautiful smart women, and are cheating on them.

[whichwayisup]

SP,

Why can you not believe that people in happy marriages do cheat on their spouses? Stats back this up.

 

Sometimes it is just something missing within the WS that makes them cheat. DM just said he was satisfied in his marriage.

 

Just look at all the men that are rich and sucessful, and are married to beautiful smart women, and are cheating on them.

 

I agree. You telling me Tiger Woods was MISERABLE in his marriage and that's why he cheated? You remember his wifes reaction when she found out about his cheating? Hello - The man was and still is broken. I'm sure if you asked her directly she probably would say "we were so happy, he was an amazing husband, great family man.." etc..

 

Some people are just plain selfish and feel entitled to do as they please.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree. You telling me Tiger Woods was MISERABLE in his marriage and that's why he cheated? You remember his wifes reaction when she found out about his cheating? Hello - The man was and still is broken. I'm sure if you asked her directly she probably would say "we were so happy, he was an amazing husband, great family man.." etc..

 

Some people are just plain selfish and feel entitled to do as they please.

 

 

Exactly. It has nothing to do with the other people involved at all. It is all about the "me":sick:.

[despicableME]

It was about ME... it was ALL about ME.

 

I didn't think past the encounters until I got home. Even then, I was able to compartmentalize the "situation." It was atrocious behavior... I know!

 

On another thread, I was accused of treating my AP like a "piece of dog shyte." There can be nothing more further from the truth. Although we embarked on this illicit affair, never did we treated each other with malice intent. I'm not going to tell you we were "good" people caught up in a whirlwind love affair- that was not the case. After the first few encounters we knew what we were getting into. This was done out of our own selfish free will.

 

I resent the fact that I'm pegged as a "heartless bastard" with "no compassion" because I didn't reciprocate her feelings toward me in the end. You might not believe it, but I feel really bad she was emotionally damaged by our affair. I know I'm gonna take some heat for this, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt my AP also: I cared about her, immensely. There... I said it.