All out in the open.

[beenburned]

LadyGrey,

 

It also shatters the illusion for the BW, especially when they had a happy satisfying marriage.

 

It is a nightmare for the BW to be married to someone that cheats when the opportunity arises, mainly for sexual variety.

 

Because that means no matter how much they say they love you, or how happy the marriage is, they still will cheat.(no matter who they are married to)

 

In cases like this, if the WS is not willing or wanting to do the hard work of understanding why he thinks this behavior is acceptable, it is best to divorce.

 

I admire DM's bluntness, as he is totally honest in examining his thoughts and feelings, in order to get to a point of understanding and correcting his behavior.

 

I left another board for the simple reason, they were not willing to hear, or learn, from people that didn't agree with their viewpoints. They were constantly repeating their behaviors over and over again. And many times with several different MM over the course of their lifetime.

[Spark1111]

LadyGrey,

 

It also shatters the illusion for the BW, especially when they had a happy satisfying marriage.

 

It is a nightmare for the BW to be married to someone that cheats when the opportunity arises, mainly for sexual variety.

 

Because that means no matter how much they say they love you, or how happy the marriage is, they still will cheat.(no matter who they are married to)

 

In cases like this, if the WS is not willing or wanting to do the hard work of understanding why he thinks this behavior is acceptable, it is best to divorce.

 

I admire DM's bluntness, as he is totally honest in examining his thoughts and feelings, in order to get to a point of understanding and correcting his behavior.

 

I left another board for the simple reason, they were not willing to hear, or learn, from people that didn't agree with their viewpoints. They were constantly repeating their behaviors over and over again. And many times with several different MM over the course of their lifetime.

 

Here is another perspective from a former BS: I almost could have understood it had my H had the affair for love.

 

That was something I could have wrapped my head around; not the prolonged lying and deceit, but the feelings for another, had it been true love, I could have understood the whole situation better.

 

That's why I gave him his freedom to be with her....love. Can't fight that, right? Or so I thought.

 

But like DM, he cared for her, probably immensely also. He said things to her to perpetuate HER fantasy and yes, I believe she fell deeply in love with him and wanted a future with him.

 

He shamefully, cowardly, allowed that dynamic to continue, so he could continue to feel oh-so-wonderful in her presence, but he never had any intention of leaving me or our family.

 

How sad that some can compartmentalize their lives to such and extent as this.

[ashvllgrl]

I wanted to thank you DM for posting. I think you show great courage and dignity, and an ability to look inward to resolve your character flaws. My FWH also confessed and reading what you have said helps me see some of the honorableness in him that has been hidden by my pain.

 

I am sorry that things have not worked out the way you would have wanted with you now exwife. It must be incredibly difficult for you (to say the least). But I think I can speak for my husband in saying that this past 2 years of recovery has NOT been an easy ride for him, either.

 

The one thing that has me a bit disheartened, although I know you spoke true, is your care for the OW. As a BW it is very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea that a man that sounds so like my FWH would care about someone whose actions hurt his wife so much **. But then, therein lies the quandary. At the same time that I don't want him to care about someone that hurt me - I also wouldn't want him to be so callous as to not care. Something for me to think about.

 

But thank you again for posting. Best to you.

 

 

**[for all the ow out their reading this - one way to think about this is that my forgiveness only extends to my fWH because he is the only one who has accepted responsibility for his actions, shown remorse, made amends, and grown as an outcome of the affair, the other woman has not acknowledged her part in the affair and in hurting someone other than herself, is apparently not remorseful for her actions, and has not made amends.]

Edited February 29, 2012 by ashvllgrl

[ashvllgrl]

How could she make amends? What a letter of apology be acceptable?

yes but see below.

 

The one thing that has me a bit disheartened, although I know you spoke true, is your care for the OW. As a BW it is very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea that a man that sounds so like my FWH would care about someone whose actions hurt his wife so much **. But then, therein lies the quandary. At the same time that I don't want him to care about someone that hurt me - I also wouldn't want him to be so callous as to not care. Something for me to think about.

 

LadyGrey,

 

You are always so thoughtful and kind in your posts.

 

Not to spend too much time with the t/j but here it is.

 

In first thinking about the bolded I thought okay yes I hope & know he cared for the OW during and immediately after the affair, but he better not care about her anymore...but is this the final answer? Why shouldn’t he still care about her even though she hurt me. I still care about people from my past and I know he still cares about people from his past, so what is it about the hurting me part that makes the OW different?

 

I don’t have the answer to this but it got me thinking about how affairs dehumanize everyone involved.The OW becomes the whore, the BS becomes the shrew or is so dehumanized she’s not even thought of at all, the MM becomes the stalker. And after the affair the OW is often ‘thrown under the bus’ as if she doesn’t matter at all either.

 

I was bullied in junior high..I carried hate, and I mean hate for the bully. I didn’t think of him often but whenever some episode in my life reminded me of him or his actions the hate rose like a bubble and with it the accompanying ‘hate hangover’. But that bubble was popped finally and completely at our 20 high school reunion. At the egging on of the class instigator I told the bully exactly what I thought of his behavior back in school.

Somehow, just the act of facing him, of reclaiming my self, maybe even the sense of no longer being a victim (not sure about this)- made the hate all go away, and I don’t thing about him at all anymore.

 

I was rational and reasonably polite during the facing down, but it was a public outing and the story of the event made the rounds pretty quick. Turns out I wasn’t the only one he bullied as I had several folks come up to me after to share their stories. Eye opening how someone’s words could be carried for so long by so many.. but again its about the dehumanizing, the ‘you don’t matter’ message and that cuts deep.

 

Sure an apology would be wonderful, or I could reclaim my dignity by calling her out on what she did. But is there a way (and this may be why I keep going round and round about my issues w/the OW) to reclaim what was lost, really lost by all involved - from within and thus grow as a person? Ha, wouldn’t that be something....

 

PS maybe its time to dig out my college philosophy and religious theory books

[despicableME]

DM........I think it's hard for some ow to hear what you have to say and the ones that it's hardest for are the ones that are not far enough removed from their pain and are still quite raw. In ways.......you are an ow's worst nightmare, because you didn't love her. OW's tend to hang on to the justification of it someone making more sense and it being more justifiable if they can convince themselves that they were loved. Your bluntness shatters the illusion for some and it's tough when you have to face that it wasn't what you thought it was.

 

I understand that my "bluntness" migh hurt a very many people here, especially the OW's. Not my intention. The thing that I will never understand is how a person, be it an OW or OM, who enters into one of these situation doesn't see it for what it really is- an affair. How can they ever believe that they will eventually ride off into the sunset with their AP like in some romance novel, or sappy movie. This is real life... it rarely, if ever turns out that way. Like you said, it's an illusion... sorry, but it's true.

 

Again LadyGrey, thank you for your valuable insight.

 

 

The one thing that has me a bit disheartened, although I know you spoke true, is your care for the OW. As a BW it is very difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea that a man that sounds so like my FWH would care about someone whose actions hurt his wife so much **. But then, therein lies the quandary. At the same time that I don't want him to care about someone that hurt me - I also wouldn't want him to be so callous as to not care. Something for me to think about.

 

I cared about her, but didn't love her. She was special to me in a different way. I know it must be gut-wrenching for you to hear that, but you'd have to be some kind of psychopath not to care about someone you've been intimate with. If I may elaborate, I could've easily fallen for her. I know this isn't going to make sense, but... in some sick twisted way, I kept the love for my wife locked away deep inside me, so as not to give my heart away to my AP. Does that make sense? She(AP) might have had my mind and body, but my heart and soul belonged to my wife. That's the only way I can explain it.

 

I can't in good conscience say that I hate my AP. Should I? There are still some risidual feelings that still linger, as you yourself have pointed out concerning people in your past. Would I ever acknowledge this truth, if my wife and I were to have reconciled? I don't know? But... wouldn't that be just another lie? An omission of the truth? So many questions.

 

I'm so sorry, ashvllgrl. I can only imagine how you must feel. The thing is, I'm the one who betrayed and hurt my wife. I'm the one who swore to "love and respect" her- I failed... I failed miserably.

Edited March 1, 2012 by despicableME

[beenburned]

ashvllgrl,

That is a very thought provoking post.

 

I can understand why this bothers you so.

 

It just goes to prove that during the time of cheating the WS and the OW do NOT care about the BS, or the hurt they are causing her by their actions.

 

As for a remorseful FWS in reconciliation, they should NO longer care about FOW. Instead concentrate on healing all the hurt they caused the BS by their selfish actions.

 

A question I would like to ask former waywards:

 

Before having an affair, how did you view people that cheated?(whether single or married)

 

After having an affair, how do you view people that cheat?(whether single or married)

[Afishwithabike]

DM, your story is a sad lesson in the high price one pays for an affair. Your story also stands out at LS because there are so few MM who share their stories with such insight and candor.

 

Do you mind if I asked you another question? You mentioned that you met with xOW and her spouse. That man asked for some details. When D-Day came with your STBXW did she ask for details too? What kinds of details...the sexual or emotional?

[Prime Vera]

The thing that I will never understand is how a person, be it an OW or OM, who enters into one of these situation doesn't see it for what it really is- an affair. How can they ever believe that they will eventually ride off into the sunset with their AP like in some romance novel, or sappy movie.

 

 

How? They get a lot of help. For every OW who truly believes it will turn out happily ever after, there is a MM feverishly promoting the idea, making promises, proclaiming his undying love, bashing his W's character, stringing the OW along with crumbs of attention and lies. All the while frantically juggling the similar crap he's dishing out to his W.

 

Call these OW naive, gullible, prone to magical thinking, stupid, dense or willfully blind if you want. Or just trusting.

 

I know my XH told his OW the entire 10 years they were having their A that he loved her and was going to leave me. She told me this herself the night she finally stopped believing him and blew the whistle on him.

 

He, however, knew exactly what was going on. He knew what he was doing. He was an expert. He honed his craft (lying) to perfection. He successfully maintained both relationships through cunning, charm and deceit. He essentially lived a double life. When he was no longer able to sustain the super human effort, both relationships crashed and burned. HE was what fueled both dramas. He is how.

 

How often does a MM say to his OW, "Hey I just want you to know I don't love you, I'm keeping my heart for my W, I don't plan to ever leave her for you, and this is just an affair, so don't get your hopes up and become attached to me." ? How many would become an OW if this were the case? For the few who still would, then I could see your point.

[beenburned]

LG,

Yes, you are right.

It was DM that said someone would have to be a psychopath not to feel anything for the OW at all.

 

PV,

Ah, the years of gaslighting and lying to both spouse and OW in order to fulfill his selfish wants.(all at their expense)

 

fish,

DM confessed to his wife.

[Afishwithabike]

beeburned - I know that DM confessed to his wife. I've read this thread in its entirety. I just wondered if she wanted details or if his confession alone was enough for her to immediately go to no R.

[Prime Vera]

Are you married to my xmm? LOL.........mine took it several steps further, pretended to be separated but there are a lot of similarities there.

 

From your post, it sounds like you kicked him to the curb.

 

I don't know but the last I heard was xmm was with his BS, I hope she wised up and kicked his sorry arse to the curb. She deserves sooo much better and so do you and yes so do I.

 

LG,

 

He left with two hefty bags and one black eye. That very night. Glad the 6 kids didn't wake up. It was quite a commotion.

 

I did deserve so much better and now, 14 years later, I have it.

 

I am now married to the love of my life and I thank the universe every day for that phone call. It was meant to wreck my life, but it saved me. If I ever met his OW I would kiss her right on the lips.

[sad puppy]

It's true, he's told a number of people. She also doesn't go out with him socially, ever. Never. There are many emotional issues involved.

[despicableME]

Call these OW naive, gullible, prone to magical thinking, stupid, dense or willfully blind if you want. Or just trusting.

 

I would say all of the above.

 

The thing is Prime, I never said those things- the things your x-husband supposedly said. Never once did I give the impression, spoken or otherwise, that I would ever leave my wife. Neither did she... I thought we were on the same page. The word "love" wasn't even mentioned throughout the affair. I think we both avoided the subject for that very reason.

 

In hindsight, I can see how a person can "fall" for someone during an intense affair. I have to admit, I had to fight it. At one point, I did feel more of a connection with her, than I did with my wife. That's when I started to get scared... yes, I can say that- I was scared.

 

 

When D-Day came with your STBXW did she ask for details too? What kinds of details...the sexual or emotional?

 

Obviously, she wanted to know who it was with. When I told her who it was, she said- "I knew it!" I'm sure she didn't know of the affair, but she knew who it would be. Call it a "gut feeling," I guess. She wanted to know how long it was going on. She wanted to know if I brought her to our home. She wanted to know if I loved her(AP). When I told her I loved her, she said "I don't believe you... how can you say you love me and do this. People who love each other don't this. How can I believe anything you say?" I will never forget that day, or what was said- EVER!

 

She didn't want any of the "gory" details if that's what you mean. I don't think she needed them to make her decision. So, yes... all she needed was my confession.

 

 

Sometimes I go back in my head with different scenarios. What if I hadn't told her? What if I we stopped it at the first kiss? Why did we let it go on for so long? Could my wife have forgiven me if it was just a ONS? Every possible outcome you can think of has been played out in my mind. Believe me, not a day goes by where I try to convince myself I did the right thing... not one day. Sometimes I wonder, though.

Edited March 2, 2012 by despicableME

[frozensprouts]

It's true, he's told a number of people. She also doesn't go out with him socially, ever. Never. There are many emotional issues involved.

 

 

I'm not saying that you are wrong in what you believe, but I do that many married men ( and women) feel a huge sense of guilt because they are cheating. so they lie to themselves and even to friends, hoping to rationalize ( mostly to themselves) that they are doing something that could hurt their spouse so very much. Somehow, if they have done/haven't done something that causes them to "deserve" to be cheated on, it eases that sense of guilt. They'll even go so far as to tell their friends negative things about their spouse in order to rationalize their behavior.

( not saying that is what is going on in your case, but it does happen)

 

There really are three realities here...his story, his wife''s story , and the story told by you. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

[sad puppy]

Here's the gist: the night we met, he asked my friend if he could take me home, as he "really liked me and was in a roommmate marriage", that's all I knew at that time, whatever that meant.

 

During the affair (1.5 yr), he made many mentions of "roommate marriage", I never asked specifics and he never offered. The agreed to a divorce amicably at the 1.5 mark, after marriage counseling, where she was to have "demonstrated the value of the marrige", I am pretty sure that meant becoming intimate again. She did not "demonstrate" that and he told me she also had been quite unhappy. Then he confessed and drama ensued.

 

He moved out in Sep, started IC, where his therapist adivsed that she had "attachment problems" and that they both had "attachment problems".

 

As far as telling things to other people - she told friends he had an affair but left out the crucial detail of sexless marriage for 8 years. He was very angry about this.

 

It was not until he moved out that he told me the sexless marriage was for 8 years. I did not know that. He was reporting his conversations with his sister, friends, and therapist. I, frankly, told him if I had known he was in a sexless marriage for 8 years, I probably would've ended the A much sooner as it demonstrates some sort of deep emotional problems to me.

 

Yep, three sides to the story, absolutely. We only saw each other a couple times after he moved out and on New Year's day I walked. NC ever since. All I know is they had a couple mediation meetings scheduled for last month & this month for kids & finances.

 

I know he said he was tired of "compartmentalizing". Yes, he is capable of cheating & lying. Not justififed, regardless of cirucumstances. He's not healthy emotionally anyway you slice it. I actually called her, after the affair came to light and had a brief conversation, said she could call me anytime & I would speak honestly with her. Just wanted to own my part in it.

 

Thinking I dodged a bullet with this guy, .... There were additional details - not going out together socially, and other strange issues that made it just sound like some dysfunctional, co-dependent marriage, and their behaviors were affecting the oldest kid in bad ways. I just couldn't take it anymore and walked.

[Prime Vera]

I would say all of the above.

 

The thing is Prime, I never said those things- the things your x-husband supposedly said. Never once did I give the impression, spoken or otherwise, that I would ever leave my wife. Neither did she... I thought we were on the same page.

 

You may never have uttered the L word, or mentioned leaving your W verbally. But is it so hard to believe that your actions did give your AP that impression? You did leave your W, every time you were together. You took your time, energy and attention you could have spent on your W and gave it to her. This behavior looks like love. Even if you never said it, you acted the part.

 

I don't think it's so hard to understand why she believed the fantasy. The longer it went on, the more evidence pointed in that direction.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you. But isn't it just as much magical thinking and willful blindness to think 2 flesh and blood humans are able to have a wild affair and keep their emotions neatly out of it as it is to believe in the fairy tale ending?

[despicableME]

You did leave your W, every time you were together. You took your time, energy and attention you could have spent on your W and gave it to her.

 

Very valid point.

 

I don't think it's so hard to understand why she believed the fantasy. The longer it went on, the more evidence pointed in that direction.

 

Can't really agree with this, though.

 

While not verbally "clear" on the direction of the relationship, it was an affair after all. Affairs are not based on long-term commitment, as they can be termintated at any time; hence, they are just that- AFFAIRS.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you.

 

No worries. I can handle it. You go ahead and lay it on me straight.

[woinlove]

You may never have uttered the L word, or mentioned leaving your W verbally. But is it so hard to believe that your actions did give your AP that impression? You did leave your W, every time you were together. You took your time, energy and attention you could have spent on your W and gave it to her. This behavior looks like love. Even if you never said it, you acted the part.

 

I don't think it's so hard to understand why she believed the fantasy. The longer it went on, the more evidence pointed in that direction.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you. But isn't it just as much magical thinking and willful blindness to think 2 flesh and blood humans are able to have a wild affair and keep their emotions neatly out of it as it is to believe in the fairy tale ending?

 

Re the bolded, while that is one way to look at affairs, it is only focussing on one part. The other part is he stayed married, kept returning to his marital home and bed. That doesn't look like love.

 

To me, the whole affair dynamics does not look like love, no matter what words are said. One just doesn't treat people you really love that way, whether it is the OW/OM or BS. Maybe some people who have affairs are capable of real love, but during the affair they are choosing selfishness over love.

 

More generally, I think every adult should take responsibility for their own actions, own choices. The MOW in DM's case made her own choices and she is responsible for those. I don't see any evidence that DM led her on and it was just as much her choice to have a secret affair. Who knows what she felt? She probably had some feelings, but she still wanted to remain married to her BH, she still wanted to continue a secret affair. To me, that is not the way a woman in love behaves.

[mercy]

Sometimes I go back in my head with different scenarios. Why did we let it go on for so long?

 

I have taken this out of context - forgive me.

 

Your honesty intrigues me. It is refreshing, to say the least.

 

In the above quote you say you ask yourself this question, may I ask the answer, please? For you, why did you continue it so long.

 

Thanks ahead of time.

[beenburned]

DM,

How are you? I enjoy reading your thought provoking posts!

 

You mentioned wondering if it was just a ONS, would your wife been more likely to forgive you. Maybe, depending on the BW, and the circunstances that led up to being unfaithful.

 

I personally think the main biggest difference between a ONS and a long term affair is:

 

Sometimes a ONS is just a one time bad decision made due to certain circumstances.(drunk at a party, away on business socializing, co-worker hitting on you) I am NOT including the people who surf the internet deliberately trying to find people to have sex with.

 

But in the case of a long term affair, the WS had to make daily decisions over and over again about whether to continue to cheat. The longer it went on, the more planning , lies, and gaslighting it took not to get caught. It was a conscious and deliberate repeated choice to continue the deceit.

 

Which in turn, would lead most people to believe, that to the WS, the wife and marriage, wasn't important enough, since he didn't mind risking losing all.

 

But in the long term, maybe the WS should be asking themselves if they are capable of being faithful to anyone for the long haul. Or maybe if they even believe in monogamy anymore.

[NoIDidn't]

You may never have uttered the L word, or mentioned leaving your W verbally. But is it so hard to believe that your actions did give your AP that impression? You did leave your W, every time you were together. You took your time, energy and attention you could have spent on your W and gave it to her. This behavior looks like love. Even if you never said it, you acted the part.

 

I don't think it's so hard to understand why she believed the fantasy. The longer it went on, the more evidence pointed in that direction.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you. But isn't it just as much magical thinking and willful blindness to think 2 flesh and blood humans are able to have a wild affair and keep their emotions neatly out of it as it is to believe in the fairy tale ending?

 

Very valid point.

 

 

 

Can't really agree with this, though.

 

While not verbally "clear" on the direction of the relationship, it was an affair after all. Affairs are not based on long-term commitment, as they can be termintated at any time; hence, they are just that- AFFAIRS.

 

 

 

No worries. I can handle it. You go ahead and lay it on me straight.

 

I like the two above quotes because they clearly demonstrate (at least to me) the difference in thinking of possible OW (I know Prima isn't an OW) and the MM.

 

And below, WoInLove pulls it all together. Great posts.

 

 

Re the bolded, while that is one way to look at affairs, it is only focussing on one part. The other part is he stayed married, kept returning to his marital home and bed. That doesn't look like love.

 

To me, the whole affair dynamics does not look like love, no matter what words are said. One just doesn't treat people you really love that way, whether it is the OW/OM or BS. Maybe some people who have affairs are capable of real love, but during the affair they are choosing selfishness over love.

 

More generally, I think every adult should take responsibility for their own actions, own choices. The MOW in DM's case made her own choices and she is responsible for those. I don't see any evidence that DM led her on and it was just as much her choice to have a secret affair. Who knows what she felt? She probably had some feelings, but she still wanted to remain married to her BH, she still wanted to continue a secret affair. To me, that is not the way a woman in love behaves.

[Prime Vera]

DM, I think your comment initially bugged me because it reads like you assume zero responsibility for how your OW viewed your A. But I guess I can at least consider the possibility that you are completely blameless in that regard and she deliberately misread everything. I went and read your other threads and see that you are trying to understand your own part. I am probably projecting, too. I'm sorry. That's part of the collateral damage.

 

I don't really have any idea how an OW can believe the fantasy, except to say that they believe what they want to believe until they can't. I confess, I am merely guessing what could contribute to an OW's mentality, using the limited understanding I have gained based on my very different circumstances. I admit I'm shooting in the dark. I apologize to DM and this forum if I have given the impression that I understand any aspect of affair dynamics other than the destruction of a badly betrayed wife and her perverse and lingering fascination with how and why it all happened.

[despicableME]

They don't endorse that line of thinking in Mistress School.

 

Funny.

 

 

Who knows what she felt? She probably had some feelings, but she still wanted to remain married to her BH, she still wanted to continue a secret affair.

 

What she told me was this- "I don't love him. I don't enjoy his company, anymore. I want something more." She told me this while holding my face close to hers. That can only mean one thing: she wanted out... "more" meaning me. She never came out and said it- "I'm in love with you." We both refrained from uttering those words(ILY's) for fear of either realizing we had gone too far, or one of us being rejected.

 

For you, why did you continue it so long.

 

To be honest, I was addicted to the physical aspect of it. I know many will suggest I was only using her. But wasn't she doing the same? We would both exchange very explicit texts and e-mails to each other, so I don't see it as one-sided. Another misconception is that I felt nothing for her, other than seeing her as a sexual outlet. Not true. It wasn't all sex. It was the reason we began the affair, but the relationship was more than that. Many others in the same situation can attest to that. Sure it culminated in some mind-blowing sex, but she was my friend. She might have not been a friend to my marriage, but she was my friend, nonetheless.

 

 

I personally think the main biggest difference between a ONS and a long term affair is

 

What is considered long term? 1 year... 2,3.

 

 

DM, I think your comment initially bugged me because it reads like you assume zero responsibility for how your OW viewed your A. But I guess I can at least consider the possibility that you are completely blameless in that regard and she deliberately misread everything. I went and read your other threads and see that you are trying to understand your own part. I am probably projecting, too. I'm sorry. That's part of the collateral damage.

 

I don't really have any idea how an OW can believe the fantasy, except to say that they believe what they want to believe until they can't. I confess, I am merely guessing what could contribute to an OW's mentality, using the limited understanding I have gained based on my very different circumstances. I admit I'm shooting in the dark. I apologize to DM and this forum if I have given the impression that I understand any aspect of affair dynamics other than the destruction of a badly betrayed wife and her perverse and lingering fascination with how and why it all happened.

 

Again, no apologies are necessary. I really didn't feel you were projecting or giving me a hard time.

 

I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting. In order to truly comprehend and assess a complex subjects(marriage, relationships, infidelity) such as this, you need any and all perspectives.

Edited March 6, 2012 by despicableME

[woinlove]

]

 

What she told me was this- "I don't love him. I don't enjoy his company, anymore. I want something more." She told me this while holding my face close to hers. That can only mean one thing: she wanted out... "more" meaning me. She never came out and said it- "I'm in love with you." We both refrained from uttering those words(ILY's) for fear of either realizing we had gone too far, or one of us being rejected.

 

From what you have posted here, it didn't sound like she wanted out. Sounds like she tried (or is trying) to stay married to her her H even after he found out. My experience is that lots of things are said by MM while holding your faces close together. Has she followed through with some actions that suggest she really wants out of her marriage as opposed to wanting both an H and a OM? Do you think she wanted to continue to lie to her H to get a better divorce settlement and not to try to continue the M?

[mercy]

 

 

 

To be honest, I was addicted to the physical aspect of it. I know many will suggest I was only using her. But wasn't she doing the same?

 

Yes

 

Sure it culminated in some mind-blowing sex,

 

eh - that can be had anywhere.

 

but she was my friend. She might have not been a friend to my marriage, but she was my friend, nonetheless.

 

This statement is what would send me on my way.

 

I too, love the different views, opinions and honesty that is in this thread.

 

Besides the obvious, don't cheat, what lessons will you take away from this?