betterdeal Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 ...they contact you. They send you a Facebook request, a text, make a call from an unknown number. Then you're back to square one, or have taken several steps back. It's unnerving how just when you have come to peace with the end of it, they get back in touch. This, I believe, is a failing of memory rather a curious twist of fate, or even coincidence. The peace you had was fragile. It wasn't ideal, but you had grown used to the status quo, the way things were, the way you were. Them contacting you shatters this fragile peace. The status quo has been ruptured and all that you have carefully (maybe painfully) constructed to rebuild your own happiness is put askew. Your peace, your happiness, has been upset. They didn't contact you at a special point in your life. They contacted you whilst you were still tender, still emotionally fragile. What you long for now is the peace you had just a moment ago, just before you got that Facebook request, that text message wishing you a happy birthday. And just before that moment, you were wishing to be back with them, at the time when things were swell and life full of colour and sound. Notice how it's all wishing to be somewhere in the past? It constrains you so much, all this walking forwards with your head looking wistfully behind you at what was. I believe this is also a trick of your own mind, and done on purpose to protect you. By not enjoying the present, by not looking forward (or so far forward it's too a time well beyond the immediate now) you can avoid engaging in the millions of things you are sensing every moment. You can avoid feeling, and so avoid being hurt again. This is why you look backwards - to avoid looking at what's all around you. But to live your life like this is to dismiss life itself. To be trapped in a shell. It may be useful for a time to switch off your mind to your senses, to protect it when it is most fragile, but it needs nurturing and feeding to become healthy. At some point, you have to stop looking backwards and start living in the now. If you cannot come to a peaceful resolution with that person right now, so be it. Don't let that stop you from having a good time. It's okay to come out of your shell. The world isn't as harmful as you may fear, and that Facebook request is just one small event amongst a multitude of events that happen every day. Ignore it, accept it, leave it to stew and see how you feel after you've slept on it. It all depends on what you feel is the best course of action for you at this moment in time. And when you stop looking backwards so much, that's when you'll be over it. Life is not a rehearsal; make the most of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Very good and wise post It comes down to forgiveness. Once you can forgive yourself and your ex for the mistakes of the past, you can find true peace and healing. But forgiveness does not end there. You must continue to forgive your ex for any breadcrumbs or attempts to hurt you. Be the bigger person and accept the fact that you are finding healing and maturing as a person while they are stuck in a state of limbo and do not know which direction to go. I've even taken steps to help my ex heal as she is in much pain and instead of moving forward with healing, she has taken more of an avoidance route. It's sad and I pity her as she is extending her pain while I have become free of mine. I've quote this a lot lately... so why not one more? "We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the law of karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them to rise towards Nirvana, rather than let them sink to lower levels of rebirth." - Dalai Lama 1 Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 this post is very timely. i heard from the ex last week after 8 months. (well one month really, i had reached out to him a month prior only to be rebuffed. so i let it drop) but it wasn't a subtle. holiday greeting or even a seemingly innocuous "how's it going". instead it was a "my gf is pregnant and due in may. i am sooo happy!" needless it say - - it's been a bit of a roller coaster since. not to mention a major mindf**k Link to post Share on other sites
shawn923 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 This is a very nice post, I literally was shaking my head and nodding while reading it, agreeing with the exact same feelings. It used to happen when I would peek at her fb page, get hurt, then immediately want that "peace" I had 5 mins ago.... @Philosoraptor first off, GREAT name, i LOVE jurassic park, lmao... Anyways, about the forgiveness thing, what if your ex cheated on you? Or did something that you cant forgive? What if she intentionally meant to hurt you? My ex didnt do any of these, but im just curious. How can you forgive somebody when it seems they've done the most hurtful thing possible and you dont agree at all with the decision? I totally agree with the quote tho, karma ALWAYS wins @radiodarcy That was kinda a d!ck move... You shoulda text back "hope you enjoy changing *****ty diapers!" Hahaha jk... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 @Philosoraptor first off, GREAT name, i LOVE jurassic park, lmao... Anyways, about the forgiveness thing, what if your ex cheated on you? Or did something that you cant forgive? What if she intentionally meant to hurt you? My ex didnt do any of these, but im just curious. How can you forgive somebody when it seems they've done the most hurtful thing possible and you dont agree at all with the decision? I totally agree with the quote tho, karma ALWAYS wins Tis just an internet meme. You still forgive them and pity them for their actions. Where does holding onto resentment or anger get you? It keeps you in a hurtful place and stops yourself from healing fully. Pity their immature actions and the wrong actions that they take. Even those who keep trying to hurt you after a breakup are to be forgiven as they are hurting inside and these actions are taken out of spite because of their own pain. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." - Buddha Link to post Share on other sites
shawn923 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Well said... Just be the bigger and better person Link to post Share on other sites
childishregrets Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) U know if i have one weakspot its that i cant deal with anger and if i break NC im going to look not just a loser who could never get over her but it would put me right back at square one if she decided to further make my life hell As Shawn rightly said what if u cant forgive? My EX abused me and i know i returned the pain back to her and called her some awful names etc and shunned her emotionally which is emotional abuse.I know that i burned bridges in resentment and even then i tried to reach out multiple times to get back with her but also to say sorry and not just in words but in actions but shes never shown any remorse to me for taking me to that abusive place i hated so much.she really messed me up in the beginning.I felt i was the one with the higher interest level while she was just a rebounder with a history of bad relationships and violence. She really did me over in the end though and made it seem as if i was the one who was to blame.So cruel and yet no guilt that i have been able to detect yet even though ive been ignored since the day we split she saw fit recently to be friends with 3 people i grew up with on facebook....One whom i no longer talk to yet im confused as to how she knows him at all...He gave me a real mouthful a few weeks ago about my weight loss. It may seem a smal trivial thing but to be ignored and placed with the burden of abuse and blame and see no remorse in your once partner and best friend is too much for me sometimes.I only recently started up a FB account to get in touch with my best friend who i aint seen in the last 2 years due to feeling ill and well hes one of the 3 friends on her list :| How can she still do that? I had a peek at her FB page and i remember an activity listed about appreciaiting good women and if u dont someone else will come along which is just what happend with us really.It took her about a week to find someone new and about 6 weeks to move in with him and eventually settle into a marriage with a child.So there has also been a distinct lack of karma here... She plays this little innocent i can do no wrong game, her husband thinks I abused her and was the bad person and her friends and my friends just blame me for dumping her as what can i say... yea my EX used to hit me and emotionally abuse me? They would laugh and say move on and she knows this too So im trapped and no one apart from LS knows this stuff either. I just think if you are going to do that to someone and ignore them and never give closure or return a call even once you should at least have the decency to respect friend boundarys.It just makes me so mad....when i just want to forget she ever existed. Edited January 9, 2012 by childishregrets Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 childishregrets, just because you are wrong does not mean you can not forgive. Pity her for being emotionally immature and playing the aggressor while still feigning the victim. "“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." - Confucius Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) @radiodarcy That was kinda a d!ck move... You shoulda text back "hope you enjoy changing *****ty diapers!" Hahaha jk... hah! thanks Shawn! believe me i was tempted to. he tried to get me to hook up not long after that. i haven't talked to him since. i guess that answered his question Edited January 9, 2012 by radiodarcy Link to post Share on other sites
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