Having an abortion; maybe he needs some time on his own with the guys

[emma16]

What should I do give up?? I started dating this guy a month ago he is very shy we have spent two night on the weekend together until this weekend. He works late so we really don't talk during the week. His last girlfriend was a year ago. Anyways we went out on Friday all great he waxed my car for me Saturday said he had a cousin birthday party to go to on Sunday and would call he at around six to do something also a bid Nascar fan race day yesterday. He didn't call so I called his cell at like 8:00 no answer left a message let him know where I would be if he wanted to do something. Never called so today I called his cell telling him that I hope he is not mad at me for calling and I am not mad at him but if he wasn't going to do anything he could have called because I could have went out with my friends. I told him to call sometime after eight thirty tonight no call or at least no message on my cell. The thing is tomorrow I go to his house to pick up some papers in the morning becuase of a little slip I ended up pregnant and am having an abortion tommorow more my choice he jsut kind of went with it not saying much. Do i just forget him or maybe he needs some time on his own with the guys since we just started dating is he intrested anymore or not. He sys he thinks about this alot and that he knows I feel srong about doing this beucase I have a two year old child already do I just go over to his house tomorrow night after to talk with him or let it end like this Help........

[swtbonita]

How do you slip and become pregnant? if you have one child already why don't you take the precautions.. Weren't you using any birth control method?

 

Did you ever find out why he didn't call you and where he was? I think it's very rude and inconsiderate of him to do that. If I were you I would ask him a lot of questions. Talk to him. Find out what he wants in his life right now. If he wants a relationship. Most guys do not want to rush into a relationship so maybe he also needs a bit of space. That means you shouldn't wait at the phone for his call.. you should live your life and if he wants to be with you he has to show you by calling you up and asking to see you.

 

It's simple if he wants to see you he will and if he doesn't don't push it, just let him go..

[emma16]

Thanks, no he has never called that is why if I call tomorrow I am not sure he will answer his home phone either so I am thinking just abour stopping over at his place and making it clear to him that he shouldn't say he is going tl call and not. The least he could have did was leave me a message today nothing at all.

 

The pregnant thing we were both drunk and becuase of my Lupus I can not be on the pill however he said he assumed I was both at fault for that.

 

Maybe Ishouldn't have even called him yesterday or today it just that I am going through alot of emotional feeling right now with this and him and I are the only ones that know about it.

 

I told him I would be honest with him and he said he would be honest with me but I still fell he could have called at soem point today so I think I should stop over so we can clear this up and end it on somewhat good terms rather than bad.

[swtbonita]

I don't think it will do you any good to go to his house, its like you are forcing him to talk to you. But also I realize that if he doesn't call you, you may never have a chance to speak to him again..

 

Its a hard decision but couldn't you give yourself some time. You can't depend on a guy like this for emotional support even though he knows about it. He doesn't seem very dependable. He is the one causing you all this pain. it is both of your faults.. and he doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for it..

[emma16]

I know I should give myself some time. The last girl he dated was five years and he loves kids wants to have kids I don;t think he is happy that I didn't give him much of a choice in the matter because on Friday night I told him I was scared and he staed hi didn't want to talk about it.

 

I guess I will wait if he cared he would call and see how things went if not I guess he doesn't bit I do think if I dont hear from him by thursday i will give him a call..

[emma16]

Well today is the day I am leaving no message on my cell from him this morning so I am sure he could care less who knows maybe he found someone else he was intrested in already. I am so scared not sure what I should do I almost feel like leaving him a letter or something..

[Leikela]

Is an abortion neccessary? Are you sure that's really what you want?

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Emma

 

Don't be afraid, everyone makes mistakes, even stupid silly BIG mistakes like this one. Get all the support you need from your friends, call then, call your best friend, cry away and try to make peace with yourself.

 

I think you are doing the right thing, but right or wrong, it s a damn hard decision! Of course he is to blame, but on the other hand , you slept with him and got pregnant, all in just in one month!!

 

So just accept this as a fact of life - I'm gonna get my a** kicked, but I'll say it - given the chance, all men are jerks! You gave him this opportunity, that's all!

 

Admit you got into the wrong situation and get out! It shouldn't be too hard, as you've been together for one month. What I am very worried about is the psychological damage - having an abvortion must be between the toughest decisions ever! Speak to your friends, to your mother and if you feel like you need it, go talk to a therapist.

 

As for the guy... loose him! Who wants a man who's there only for the fun? He's got 0 points in responsability, 0 points in care, 0 in being a man! I'm sorry, Emma, you're on your own here, so do your best to take care of yourself!

[befuddled11]

I'm judging by your post that you're rather young. And you already have a child. And now you're pregnant again, about to end this child's life, tomorrow. And all you're worried about is why this guy isn't calling you....not about the fact that you're about to end an innocent child's life forever.

 

As a Mom already, you should know that children are precious. You make it sound like "slipping up and getting pregnant" is not really a big deal.

 

There's tons of women out there who use other forms of birth control, other than "the Pill"......why aren't you being more careful and responsible?? Are you going to go through the next 10 yrs of your life being careless, "slipping up" and having abortion after abortion?

 

There's other forms of birth control: condom with spermicide (which also helps protect against sexually transmitted diseases such as Herpes, Genital Warts, AIDS. If you've already got Lupus, surely you know that contracting one of these viral diseases (that are non-curable) could greatly worsen your Lupus. So don't you care about your health? Don't you care about taking care of your health for your 2 yr old child???).......there's a IUD (intrauterine device), there's a Diaphragm, there's the Nuva Ring, there's spermicidal foam.

 

Perhaps this guy is really very overwhelmed by the fact that after only a VERY SHORT MONTH, you've gotten pregnant and now you're going to snuff out the life of HIS CHILD. Perhaps he "seemed to go along with it" because he didn't feel he had any say in the matter, that it's "your body"......maybe he's young and didn't know how to react. Think about it, it's a pretty big deal....you start seeing a girl and a month later she's pregnant and going to have an abortion. Do you really expect that after this, he's going to want to see you again? Likely not. Because every time he looks at you, he's going to remember you had an abortion.......and would he want to risk having sex with you again, and risk getting you pregnant again? I doubt it.

 

No offense, but I think you need to grow up a bit and be more responsible. And if you're not ready/able to bring more children into the world, and you're not responsible enough to use proper birth control, then you shouldn't be having sex........period.

[CurlyIam]

Hey, befuddled11

 

I'm kinda sure SHE KNOWS she's got herself into a big BIG mess right now! That being told, although I strongly agree to the information given on your post, I have a little problem with the attitude. Especially since she has another child and she is alone, we should not be THAT judgemental!

 

Cold showers are good ideas, but how about focussing on a way out? Clear way out for her?

 

Just a thought...

 

Curly

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Hey, befuddled11

 

I'm kinda sure SHE KNOWS she's got herself into a big BIG mess right now! That being told, although I strongly agree to the information given on your post, I have a little problem with the attitude. Especially since she has another child and she is alone, we should not be THAT judgemental!

 

Cold showers are good ideas, but how about focussing on a way out? Clear way out for her?

 

Just a thought...

 

Curly

 

I didn't get any sense at all from her post that she's upset or in turmoil about the fact that she's become pregnant by a guy she's only known for a month, and is about to end that unborn child's life tomorrow. Her only expressed area of concern is why this guy isn't contacting her.

 

I didn't get any sense from her posts that she's regretful for acting irresponsibly and by doing so, creating an innocent life.

 

As for your assertion that I'm being judgmental, in light of the fact that she's already got another child..that's even MORE reason to speak up. As a Mother, she needs to grow up and be responsible. She is not a kid anymore, she's a Mother. She obviously knows how pregnancy occurs. She should have learned from her first pregnancy, to be more careful the next time, and to take precautions and not prevent another pregnancy.

 

It is not my, or anyone here's responsibility to provide a "way out" for this girl/woman. Life is about making decisions and choices, and then being mature enough to deal with the consequence and repercussions. We are all responsible for ourselves (and those who are Mothers, they are responsible for the children they create).

 

I didn't read a post from a person saying, "I'm upset, I was with this guy for a month and I accidentally got pregnant and I don't know what to do, I'm considering having an abortion, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision, please help me."

 

What I read was someone who was more concerned with some stupid guy who she's only know for one measly month, and not at all about the fact that tomorrow she's going to lie down on a table and have the fetus she helped to create, snuffed from this world.

 

Does the unborn fetus have any say or rights here? Apparently not. Did he or she ask to be created and then snuffed out? I don't think so. Abortion is not some form of birth control. Why should this unborn fetus have to pay the price for her irresponsibility and "slip up"? Having already had a child, she should have learned from that. But she didn't. May God bless her child, and the one she's about to get rid of.

[emma16]

I couldn't do it I am 25 he is 27 and barley talks the way it is is just worried that I am going to be mad at him after this.. I ask what i shoudl do and he says nothing or what he wants to do and he says nothing so should i just show up and talk to him beucase he is not going to answer the phone..i amscared and i have dated a gut for a year and half prior and have not ended up pregnant one time no condom and oops of course he doesn't have any at his house i have some.. i don;t know i think him and i just need to talk and be open about this entire thing...

[CurlyIam]

Girl, what's wrong with you? Can't you see straight? He's out of your life! You're going to kill his baby and he doesn't even call, for crying out loud! It's not like he didn't call after the first date!

 

You should be concentrating on yourself,you should be feeling sooooooooooo guilty for being forced to have an abvortion, not to linger over the phone, wainting for his call, making silly excuses for him.

 

That's serious, I'm thinking you just don't get the trouble you've gotten yourself into, how serious this is! READ befuddeled11 post over and over and over again. And then again!!!!!!!!

 

Show some maturity and PRIDE and make some order into your life! You're not 16 anymore so live up to your age, for God's sake!

[DerangedAngel]

I'm having a hard time understaning your post, emma. Maybe you could repost/edit for clarity?

 

I couldn't do it

 

Does this mean you couldn't follow through with the abortion? You are aware of another solution -adoption- right?

 

just worried that I am going to be mad at him after this

 

I think you need to be worried about the child you have made together. And yourself. Not about whether or not you will be mad at him. Am I even understanding?

 

so should i just show up and talk to him beucase he is not going to answer the phone

 

No. What makes you think he'll talk to you then? What do you need to talk to him for, anyway? It doesn't sound like he wants anything to do with you, or the situation.

 

one time no condom and oops of course he doesn't have any at his house i have some..

 

If this ever happens again, don't have sex! Just because you are in the mood, and "oops" there isn't a condom available, doesn't mean you get to shrug it off and have sex anyway. Goodness!

 

i think him and i just need to talk and be open about this entire thing...

 

If you mean the pregnancy (and abortion) - yes! You have called him, a lot, and he won't answer, correct? To me that would seem like he is giving up any say in the matter. Worry about the child. Do you not know how big of a deal this is? Get informed about your options, and make whatever decision seems best for you and your situation.

 

If you mean the relationship, well, it doesn't seem like the two of you have one.

 

Good luck.

 

-Deranged

[emma16]

I could not have the abortion i got there and turned around. I could care less right now about this relationship at all but he needs to have a say in this and i really just did not give him a choice I simply said I can't have it.

 

He just stated he did not want to talk about it anymore. So as I was driving to the clinic I thoght maybe he is just going along with this and I need to know what he thinks this is his child too. Even adoption once the baby is born he has to sign over his parental rights. If he doesn't answer these calls I have no clue what he wants.

 

I left a message of course I was crying telling him I could not do it and I could really care less if we have a relationship or not however I said I feel that I did not give him a say in the matter he just went along with it. I told I would appreciate if he would call me to talk about this.

 

I do fine for my child and he is loved and that is why I can not do this to another child. I really need him to have some say in the matter without me persueding him either way but how do I get him to open up about this. Maybe from a guys point he just does not want to deal with it..

 

I don't know what to do as far as talking with him about this but i do feel emotionally i will not be able to handle the abortion.

[miz_barby]

So you decided against the abortion? (Even though I feel everyone has a right to make their own choice I don't believe in abortion) so I'm glad that you at least held off on having an abortion.

I think your attempts to get this guy to respond to you aren't paying off to well, maybe he was really really upset at the thought of you "killing" his child or maybe he was shocked by the whole situation and didn't know what to do.

 

I'm not sure if I missed it or...were you in a relationship with this guy for awhile or was it more of a one night stand type of thing or....?

 

Even though there isn't much advice one can give in the situation I just hope that you have family and friend's support so you can get through this....if you are willing and able to take care of this child then I hope you do. It isn't just a "child" it's a part of you!!!! (and him) but maybe he'll come around later on down the line and if not then at least your baby can have one loving parent. (or two if you decide to give the baby up for adoption)

 

No matter what you decide I want to say "Good luck" and keep us updated on how things work out for you!

[CurlyIam]

I am not a religious person, Emma, but may God lighten your way and help you make the right decision. I know most of all, you need support from the father. I understand that.

 

Take your time, confront him directly if given no choice and see where you stand with him.

 

But with or without himself by your side, have at least your friends' support if not your family's. Get all the help you can, consider your options and then decide. Men have curious ways of handling this issue.

 

Maybe you'll have some suggestion from them on the Shack on how you should handle this with your partner.

[emma16]

We have been seeing each other for about a month however he kept stating he loves kids can't wait to have kids and would love to meet my son. So I feel he is also not ok with this when I told him this was what i was going to do.

 

What I need from him is to be open about how he feels about the entire situation nobody ask for this the first time I was prenant I was on the pill and it failed fine I was with my sons father for three years after my sonw as born he quit his job and has not work since so I told him to get lost I am fine with my son on my own.

 

I love my son and would do anything for him as for my family my ssi ter was pregnant at 19 my dad made her have an abortion I have not told anyone with my son my dad did not ay a word to me until the day my son was born same with my sister..

 

Yes I screwed up I am not a whore and don't really care what people think about this except my family will dissown me

 

I want this baby everytime I look at my son I cry thinking about what I was going to do.. I know that I can not have an abortion However I would like to know how this guy feels does he want a part int he childs life or should we both agree to give the child up for adoption. the realtioship was gone I think when I told him I was going to have an abortion becuase i feel he would really like to have kids the way that he talks about how and what he does with the neighbors kids.

 

Who knows a few time out to eat and things like that maybe I was just his booty call I don't know but my diggest concern in the child I am carrying which is his also

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by emma16

I could not have the abortion i got there and turned around. I could care less right now about this relationship at all but he needs to have a say in this and i really just did not give him a choice I simply said I can't have it.

 

He just stated he did not want to talk about it anymore. So as I was driving to the clinic I thoght maybe he is just going along with this and I need to know what he thinks this is his child too. Even adoption once the baby is born he has to sign over his parental rights. If he doesn't answer these calls I have no clue what he wants.

 

I left a message of course I was crying telling him I could not do it and I could really care less if we have a relationship or not however I said I feel that I did not give him a say in the matter he just went along with it. I told I would appreciate if he would call me to talk about this.

 

I do fine for my child and he is loved and that is why I can not do this to another child. I really need him to have some say in the matter without me persueding him either way but how do I get him to open up about this. Maybe from a guys point he just does not want to deal with it..

 

I don't know what to do as far as talking with him about this but i do feel emotionally i will not be able to handle the abortion.

 

Emma, are you reading any of these posts? Let me try to explain it a different way. This guy does not need your permission to be a stand up, decent man. A stand up decent man who cared about the life of his unborn child would not miraculously become a "chump" and idololy stand by having and offering no feedback on a situation as important as this. The guy who knocked you up is a grawn @ss man, and does not need for you to allow him to have an opinion. Just as when you found - you did not need him to allow you to have an opinion. Yes, ultimately, it is your body, however, if a grown @ss man cared about you or the life of his child, he would share an opinion as well. He would also have accompanied you to the clinic for the abortion. This guy has written you off completely. Sewwtie, He is not answering your calls - he certainly isn't talking you out of keeping the child -- or into keeping it for that regard. He has demonstrated no caring for you or the child in any way. That is not a person who give a heck.

 

Personal example: My sister's and her boyfriend were both 25 when she bacame pregnant. When he found out he was excited as heck. Running around telling everyone. Although they planned to get maried some time in the future he immediately told her that they had to get married ASAP. He would not have a child brought into the world without them having the benefit of marriage. She didn't particularly want to have a baby at that time .. I think she was more shocked than anything. Once her preganancy was confirmed, she knew that abortion wasn't an option, she loved him and 2 months later they got married. This guy was 25 - two years younger than the guy you were with. This is an example of how a stand up, decent MAN will react when faced with a pregnancy -- not to say that everyman will want th baby, but if they care about themselves, their lives, their child, they will have a definate opinion and not need a woman's, their momma's, Daddy's, uncles, or a teary phone call giving them a right to declare their opinion.

 

His non action, unresponsiveness, and get the hell out of town-edness, speaks VOLUMES about what he thinks and feels about your pregnancy. He does not a care -- and you saying that you didn't want the baby only made it easier for him to exit stage left.

 

Yes, his behavior is very disrespectful and hurtful, but how much respect is he supposed to have for a woman who allowed him to disrespect her body and knock her up to boot within 30 days. He doesn't even know who you are...you don't even know who he is...you will never hear from him. I hate to say it this way, but he simply does not care.

 

And what do you think will change if you do hear from him? Do you think that he will say that he wants to keep the baby and be with you? Won't happen. Do you think that he will say he wants you to keep the baby and he will be a responsible father? How could you believe that when he's been so irresponsible to begin with? Because of your actions...the responsibility for the life you carry lays squarely on your shoulders. If you want to keep the baby, fine. Go the the courts and begin the process of setting up paternity. If you decide to put the child up for adoption, fine. Go to an agency. They will handle getting his signature -- but that'snot een going to be an issue until what 9 months from now. Either way, you do not need to beg and plead with this guy who has treated you so poorly to call you to tell you what he wants to do. He's already done that. And admit to yourself, that you are only using the excuse of him letting you know what he wants do -- so that you can talk with him. Once you let that desire go, everything else will fall into place. Move on, do better and pray. I wish the best for you.

[emma16]

MsLandon you are right he gave his opinion and yes I did let my self do something that I would never do which is sleep with someone so quick but it happened can't turn back time.

 

I was going to go over there instead I turned to one of my best friends who is a male and knows me better then anyone. The only problem was or is the fact that he is also friends with this guy. Well I broke down anyways because I needed a guys input. First my friend could not believe what happened and said its not like the childs father to do this. He told me to call him from his house I did he did not answer. Next he said get in the car so I did and he drove me to the childs fathers house he was home i told him I was not going in so we left.

 

My friend got home called left a message on his answering machine and what do you know he returned his call asked what was going on and if he was coing out for a local event we have every year he said yes. When they were done he stated to call him so I did no answer just a machine.

 

Conclusion to this I put the 300.00 he gave me for his portion of the abortion two weeks ago and it will be mailed to him tomorrow. My next step is to deceide what I am going to do about what is now my unborn child on my own.

 

My friend offered some support the one thing he said is not to have an abortion and that when I knew I was pregnant I shoudl not have said anything to him about what i wanted and let him to the talking first he stated it was a 50/50 mistake and he does not want to be responsible about it.

 

What next I do not know.........

[miz_barby]

Glad to see that you clarified things a little better, I don't think anyone said anything about you being a whore! Everyone makes mistakes and sadly some of them end up in unplanned pregnancies but at least you've decided not to end the life of an innocent baby!

I think it's sad that your family would disown you (assuming I understood your post correctly). I think it is very reasonable and responsible of you wanting to get the baby's father's input on if you should put the baby up for adoption or not, I get the feeling from your post that you would rather keep your baby and if that's the case then I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mother to this baby as well as your other child. Since he seems to sound like he wants children maybe he felt the best way to deal with the whole "abortion" situation was just to avoid it all together but only he can know for sure.

Good luck with everything and I hope that everything works out in the best interest of all of you...especially your baby's!

[MsLandon]

What's next should be you changing your thinking about having to take care of a child all by your self. There is no reason for that. You were both there to make the child, you both need to be responsible. Your child will have a better life being supported by BOTH parents than just one. Say your child's monthly expenses were a meager $300 per month. Rather than you paying the entire $300 all out of our pocket as if you created this child all by your lonesome, perhaps you'd contribute $150 and he would contribut $150. That would provide an additional $150 that could be used to create a nest egg for your childs future, or povide better housing, or go towards transportation. In essence every dollar you spend by your self - for what should be a shared expenc -- you are taking an equal dollar away from your child.

 

 

It would be nice if adults could consistantly come up to their own decisions about what's fair, but een in the best of circumstances, it rarely happens. Avoid the headaches. Have paternity set up, let the courts figuire out what's fair based upon expenses and income levels and move forward from there. Hopefully this guy will want to participate both financially and physically in the childs life -- but if not, that's not in your control. Just pray and one day perhaps he'll be there to develope that very important father son/daughter relationship with the child.

 

 

Oh, and about what your friend said about you shouldn't have said anything about aborting...In reality, based upon the guys reaction...it really wouldn't have made a difference. Good luck.

[emma16]

You are right about that he does not want to deal with it. I don't think even if I would have heard what he had to say he would have said anything. What I do know though is the fact that he does not care and if I see him around which I am sure I will the first time I see him I will probably scream at him.

 

I know not the right thing to do. I can support a child on my own two may be a little difficult seeing as I just bought a brand new car and closed on a house last month. The unborn childs father and I will be living about five miles away from each other so I am sure this may cause an issue. Seeing as I do plan to live on my own and at least keep this as quiet as I can.

 

However it is a small town 500 people so sooner or later questions will start flying. The wied thing is about a few days after we had sex I had a dream which I told him about him telling me he wants nothing to do with me and Right after I was giving birth to a baby and the man with no face cut its stomach open after it was born.

 

I only told him about the first part. It seems wierd becuse the next morning I woke up checked the calender and said " I am pregnant" gut feeling.

 

I can't sleep I sit in my sons room and watch him sleep with tears running Down my face alot has to do with the fact I had an option of abortion with my current soon and I did not do it. Why should I do it now my soon makes me smile every day I just wish I was not faced with all the decisions myself in regards to my unborn child.

 

I have no respect for the Chump as he was called in prior posts becuase this does not bother him one bit..

Any advice from a males point of view??

[meagara]

Why do people have such strong feelings over the abortion issue. I know it can be a bad thing in some peoples minds, and not in the others. I understand she has had a child already and should have been more careful, but what ever happened to what would be best for her in her life at the moment. Why is it okay for young girls to get abortions but once it is someone who is older who has made an honest mistake and didn't use a condom, cause don't tell me that every single one of you have had safe sex every single time is irresponsible? I have had one, and yah it bothers me to death every single time I look into my six month old neices eyes, and everytime I pass by the baby section in a store, but it was better for me, I wouldn't be in school right now trying to get a better education and bettering myself so when I do have children I will be able to provide for them better then I can at the moment. I still live at home, what would I have done?

I know she is more concerned with this guy, but maybe she thought it would be a good scare tactic to get his attention. I know girls who have done things like that.

or she could honestly care for her unborn and the best interest for it.

This is just my opinion and I do not mean to insult or offend anyone.

Thank you.

[MsLandon]

Because of religion, morals, those wishing to be judgemental, and just because we all have opinions folks get very emotional about their views on abortion. Rightly so I think. I personally support "choice", although I could NEVER have an abortion myself. But others are strongly against it - regardless of the reason and that's their right. The topic is very subjective. It is rarely addressed from a strictly logic driven point of view because it involves something that pulls at the heart strings and that is death.

 

 

I think folks were simply appauled at the fact that rather than being more concerned about the abortion which is the more weighty issue, the poster was more concerned with the relationship - and it was obvious that the "chump" wasn't. She was already in his rear view mirror so to speak. I think maybe 1 sentence was dedicated to the "abortion" it self and the rest was dedicated to the guy and how to see him and the lot. I think that because the post was written that way, it just infuriated readers who consider themselves to see the forest for the trees - and she wasn't at that moment.

 

 

You say you had an abortion and you feel that it was the best thing for you. That's good for you I guess. It's not always the case. Years ago, one of my girlfriends went away to school, and wound up pregnant by a guy she was dating back at home. She felt that the best thing to do was to have an abortion. She was in college, she'd grown up with just her mom, her dad left when she was very young, and she felt like she didn't want that for her child. She felt that she would be able to provide as much if she dropped out of college and set out in the world just her and her baby - because she remembered how difficult it was with her and her mom. So she did it. I guess about 4 years later she became pregnant with the child she has now. She told me that she thought that the abortion she had was the worst decision she'd ever made. At the time it seemed logical, but it just didn't sit well with her. So Abortion affects people in different ways...many times years after the event itself. So I'm just offering a different view point on the situation in an effort to answer your question about why people feel the way they do. Hope this makes sense.