Staying married to a cheater

[nofool4u]

I was wondering about hearing opinions from some people that either stayed with their cheating spouse, or those that would wonder what their mindset would be IF they stay with a cheating spouse.

 

I have no doubt that there are many people that stay in their marriage and can "survive" and that even though they can't forget, they can get to a point of some sort of normalcy again where the affair doesn't eat them alive.

 

I admit that I wouldn't be able to be that person. I think if I had stayed in my marriage for the wrong reasons, my kids, that even if I got to a point where the affair didn't bother like it did when it was fresh, that I'd still look at her from time to time and think to myself, "b!tch".

 

Which is exactly the reason I didn't stay, other than the fact I'd never have trusted her again.

 

So the question is are there any of you out there that stayed, recovered somewhat, but still look at your spouse with disgust from time to time?

 

Or if you aren't in that situation and imagine you stayed with a cheating spouse, do you think you'd silently cuss your spouse out in your mind here and there, maybe as some sort of hidden therapeutic outlet?

[TigerCub]

I've never been married, and never been cheated on (as far as I know)...but here's my $0.02 on it.

 

I believe that regaining trust would be the hardest part here, and honestly, I don't know if I would be able to. So rather than living my life in fear of when they'll do it again, wondering who's on the line when the phone rings and when they go out, worrying about what they're doing - I would probably just cut my loses and leave.

 

having said that...I can honestly say that when it comes to infidelity and marriage and kids, etc, there are so many things to consider.

 

If I was a newly married person and my "husband" cheated on me, I'd leave, no questions, but if we were together for 10+ years or something and I knew that my husband is a good person, we're good, and they made a mistake, and were really truly sorry and wanted to fix it - then I think that changes things, not just because of the time invested, but because during that time, you get a sense of who the person is, and so if they truly were a good person and made a mistake its different, maybe its something that can be fixed.

 

Also other things such as:

- was it a 1 time thing or

- was it an on going affair

. was the affair emotional

. was the affair physical, or a mix

 

that makes a difference, I personally feel that a 1 time thing is more forgivable than an on going affair, because with an on going affair the cheating spouse has a chance to think of the betrayed spouse, to feel bad and still decide to do it again.

 

I dunno, I feel like I'm babbling, but I do think that now (after everything I've been through and everything I've read) that if I know that the person who cheated is generally a really good person that made a huge mistake and is sorry, then maybe its worth finding out what caused the mistake, how it can be fixed if the cheater really really makes the effort to repent and fix it.

 

**again, note that everything I've said is from the point of view of someone that hasn't been there, so it could all be talk and if I felt that pain that betrayed spouses feel, I might do things differently.

 

-My first instinct is to say screw it and leave because I couldn't trust again, but my growth from my own mistakes makes me pause and think that sometimes good people do ****ty things and it could be worth learning why and trying.

 

- Also, the method of discovering the cheating would help too. If the cheater confesses, that says something about them being sorry and wanting to come clean.

If I'm spending months following instincts and being blind sided, that wouldn't really help the cheater's chances of getting another chance.

 

So many factors...

 

Sorry if I'm not giving a straight up answer, but I think with something as serious and damaging as an affair, there are no simple answers.

[Owl]

I was wondering about hearing opinions from some people that either stayed with their cheating spouse, or those that would wonder what their mindset would be IF they stay with a cheating spouse.

 

I have no doubt that there are many people that stay in their marriage and can "survive" and that even though they can't forget, they can get to a point of some sort of normalcy again where the affair doesn't eat them alive.

 

I admit that I wouldn't be able to be that person. I think if I had stayed in my marriage for the wrong reasons, my kids, that even if I got to a point where the affair didn't bother like it did when it was fresh, that I'd still look at her from time to time and think to myself, "b!tch".

 

First I'd like to start off with saying that I honestly feel that for many people, there is no chance of recovering a marriage after infidelity. For some folks, the pain is just too great, and too personal for them to ever truly forgive or feel love for their spouse again. Those that feel this way are absolutely doing the right thing by choosing to divorce and move on...it's the best possible way for them to heal.

 

With that said, some marriages can and do recover from infidelity. Not all...not even a majority. But some do.

 

Which is exactly the reason I didn't stay, other than the fact I'd never have trusted her again.

 

This is the point where everyone has to decide for themselves whether or not that trust can be rebuilt. If it can't, it can't. Time to move on.

 

For me, trust was rebuilt, over time, with her demonstrating trustworthiness and me verifying it for as long as I needed to in order to see that she was indeed now being trustworthy, and worth building that trust with again. It didn't happen overnight...it took years.

 

So the question is are there any of you out there that stayed, recovered somewhat, but still look at your spouse with disgust from time to time?

 

Nope, not in my case. We went through a bad time, we both learned some darned painful lessons...and we moved on, we recovered. Now is not then. I don't feel the same way now that I did back when we went through this. I've healed, she's healed, and we've made a lot of changes in how we deal with things based off of those painful lessons.

 

I'm not the same person I was then, not doing the same things I was then. Neither is she. She WAS a 'cheater' back when she did this...she no longer is one.

 

Or if you aren't in that situation and imagine you stayed with a cheating spouse, do you think you'd silently cuss your spouse out in your mind here and there, maybe as some sort of hidden therapeutic outlet?

 

Nope. Part of that healing is learning to let go of the anger and letting yourself heal. If you stay angry...you're not healing. If you're still angry, you've not forgiven. If you've not forgiven, there's no recovery. If they've not earned your forgiveness, there is no recovery. If you're not capable of recognizing when they've earned it (assuming they have), then there is no recovery.

 

No point in staying angry for years after something has happened. If you're still angry about it years later...you're still holding onto it, still letting it control your life...you're not personally recovered from the event either.

[KathyM]

My sister went through those feelings you've described. Her husband cheated on her in their second year of marriage, and she decided to forgive him and stay with him, and was married to him for 20 years after that, but their relationship never really recovered from the initial betrayal. She never could recapture the love and trust she had for him, and would have those occasional feelings of contempt for him because of the betrayal, even after many years. When a person realizes the one you're married to is capable of such a total lack of regard for them and a total selfishness, you lose respect for them, and you never see them in the same light again.

[TigerCub]

Sorry, I just realized that after my novel of a response, I didn't really answer your question.,

 

I believe that there is no point in being with someone if I'm gonna resent them or hold something they've done over their head forever.

 

And determining all that, would be based on all that I wrote in my original response.

[nofool4u]

Sorry, I just realized that after my novel of a response, I didn't really answer your question.,

 

I believe that there is no point in being with someone if I'm gonna resent them or hold something they've done over their head forever.

 

I completely agree. Which is why I didn't stay. Oh I thought about it so that I could be there to tuck my kids in every night. And I know that if I stayed for them, that I would have ended up cussing her out silently on a regular basis in my head, but acting like everything was just ok on the outside.

[seren]

I stayed for my own selfish reasons, I loved my H, had loved him for over 23 years and knew that I would never love someone else as much. I looked at the A and balanced that against what we had, had before our marriage took a wrong turn and what I hoped we could have again. If for just one moment, I felt that I didn't love him, I would have left. I had no need to stay, other than the need to try to work with him to fix what had been broken. Trust was never an issue for me, well I should say trust that he would do it again was not an issue, trusting him with me took longer.

 

It wasn't that I thought I would be alone if I left, I had and have a healthy ego and know my worth. TBH, my first feelings after the WTF and anger, was to feel rather sorry for him, still do in some part of me. it was all just so out of character and so not what he is about, but just before and during the A, he was a very, very different person, for all sorts of reasons, which I understood. I of course didn't and don't agree that having an A was the way to deal with his issues, but it was what it was. If we couldn't get past that then we were doomed to fail.

 

Had it happened early into our marriage I would have left, simply because I don't believe that I felt the depth of feeling that developed over the years. Reconciliation is hard, but once the corner is turned it is not the same marriage, but one which has weathered the biggest dammed storm and is still strong despite it.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am glad we are where we are today, I still feel sadness about the A, but have far more joy because of having H in my life. It is, for me all about balance. I stay married to the man I love, yes one who cheated, but that doesn't define who he is, he is far more than that.

[beenburned]

I think the stats say about 35 percent of marriages touched by infidelity will survive in the long run.

 

It depends on many things about the WS, and the ability of the BS to even consider reconciliation.

 

Like Seren noted, you have to look at the big picture, not only then, but also consider the future.

 

I am a long term success story. It is 20 years past d-day and my FWS has not made me sorry I gave him the chance to prove himself.

 

The kids are grown and married now, and we have grandkids. We still love each other and the life we built together.

[SoMovinOn]

I got over my W's A's. I forgave her, forgot about them. ... but as for the destruction of trust and her clear inability to stay committed to our marriage? Those are things you never get back.

 

I think people who "reconcile" settle. I think they lie to themselves. The cheating spouse can do whatever, things can seem to go fine for years or maybe decades, but the minute she's not where she's supposed to be, or you see something even remotely suspicious - you remember why you feel that way, because you *know* what she's capable of.

[FelicityShot]

I was wondering about hearing opinions from some people that either stayed with their cheating spouse, or those that would wonder what their mindset would be IF they stay with a cheating spouse.

 

Which is exactly the reason I didn't stay, other than the fact I'd never have trusted her again.

 

So the question is are there any of you out there that stayed, recovered somewhat, but still look at your spouse with disgust from time to time?

 

Or if you aren't in that situation and imagine you stayed with a cheating spouse, do you think you'd silently cuss your spouse out in your mind here and there, maybe as some sort of hidden therapeutic outlet?

 

There is a Rolling Stones track - sympathy for the devil.

 

I think when I was betrayed via infidelity, I basically saw that in human nature as a potential. I saw the weakness in my x as one of many weaknesses in us all.

 

Yeah, and ever after, I looked at him as a human being whom I knew had a potential for that. He was a man who liked sex.

 

But although the R failed, that wasn't the reason. Heck, I liked that he liked sex so it was a hard for him to resist, and he chose to resist in the main.

 

For me. And hardly ever slipped up.

 

I guess I loved his weakness in a way.

[frozensprouts]

whether or not you believe you are willing to stay with your partner who cheated depends, in part, on your ability to believe human beings are capable of change. I believe they are, but it takes a huge amount of work on the "self" to get there, and some are unwilling or unable to do so.

[Severely Unamused]

Or if you aren't in that situation and imagine you stayed with a cheating spouse, do you think you'd silently cuss your spouse out in your mind here and there, maybe as some sort of hidden therapeutic outlet?

No. Best just to leave if you are going to act like that. Staying would be mentally damaging for both the BS and WS.

 

I'm not big on second chances and forgiveness. Not targeting infidelity in particular, but about life in general.

 

That doesn't mean that I would immediately end the relationship. I wouldn't worry about revenge. Nor would I carry a grudge, or hold failure over people's heads.

 

But repeat behaviour wouldn't surprise me.

[woinlove]

I got over my W's A's. I forgave her, forgot about them. ... but as for the destruction of trust and her clear inability to stay committed to our marriage? Those are things you never get back.

 

I think people who "reconcile" settle. I think they lie to themselves. The cheating spouse can do whatever, things can seem to go fine for years or maybe decades, but the minute she's not where she's supposed to be, or you see something even remotely suspicious - you remember why you feel that way, because you *know* what she's capable of.

 

Your posts recently have been so judgemental and definitive on others as if you know what everyone else thinks and feels (i.e. they are just like you). What's up with that? Haven't you known people well who are really different than you?

[Spark1111]

I loved him....so I set him free. He came back pleading, immediately and NO ONE was more confused than I. Shouldn't the chance to have true love in this lifetime trump all?

 

That was when I realized what I thought I knew about infidelity was based on Hollywood fairy tales and I had better get busy learning all I could about the topic.

 

On a very deep, instinctual level, I and those who have known him his entire life found this so out of character as to be almost rediculous! And all those loving, impassioned texts of unrequieted love sent to his paramour were.....about what? Not wanting her when he could have her full time?

 

A fantasy addiction to boost feel-good brain chemicals; a selfish aberration in an otherwise honorable life that she helped him betray for her own selfish reasons. A naughty child rebelling against domineering parents; TONS of family of origin issues unresolved!

 

Frightened, angry, and oh-so-devastated, I decided not to decide for a very long time. I decided to watch his actions to prove to me he was truly remorseful and could change. He did.

 

I didn't deserve infidelity. I needed to mourn the relationship I thought we had. But I thought he and our love was worth the risk, so I stayed and I am glad I did.

 

I've read that affairs do not kill marriages; it is what happens in the aftermath of discovery that does.

 

And if you know you could never justify, rationalize, rebuild trust, or endure the pain, walking away IS the healthy choice.

 

I judge no one for staying or leaving.

[Hazyhead]

I judge no one for staying or leaving.

 

This. ^^^^^^

 

I cannot offer comment on whether it's best to stay or go. I do know the reasons will vary wildly for each person as every situation is different somehow. I can't imagine how it must feel, but then I have never been on the receiving end.

 

Ultimately, I am in no position to judge anybody's in relation to the decisions they make for their own relationships.

 

Is anybody?

[Severely Unamused]

I judge no one for staying or leaving.

 

I agree completely.

 

Assuming that the BS and WS still have strong feelings for each other, neither choice is easy to make.

[Steadfast]

We can and should judge, in relation to our own experiences. Ultimately, our judgement means little in the grand scheme of things. IMO, people who want/need/demand my support are too weak or needy to supply their own. This need exposes their issues, not mine.

 

I've written before that my pop cheated, and that he and my mother (still living) reconciled their marriage of 66 years. I can say with absolute certainty that in their case, it was never the same. Was it better? That's hard to say and a question my father couldn't answer. They did mature and learn from the experience, my mom choosing to view dad's 'body of work' than to focus on just that one aspect. To say that couples cannot overcome difficulties isn't healthy or encouraging. Then again, there is something to say about choices that could effect you for the rest of your life. Are we wrong or judgmental for issuing that warning? My father certainly didn't shy away from having a strong opinion. Are we wise to learn from the experience of others, or will we punish them for caring enough to speak out?

 

Most agree it's been better to not take that path. Just the same, life is what we make it, problems or not. Again, IMO, it's best to learn how to deal regardless because in one way or another. We'll all face uphill battles in life, happy marriage or not. Infidelity however. is a unique and lasting evil. From my viewpoint, my father's suffering was more profound and lasting.

 

Personally, I wanted to work it out with my ex after the whole thing came out, but she was in limbo and wanted to keep me there too. That made working on our relationship impossible and forced me into a divorce that I did not want. From there, we move on and rebuild life. Now, going on four (!) years later, I'm no closer to figuring out her grab-bag of emotions than I was then. What seems very clear now is she wanted me to wait until she decided what she really wanted, and strongly believes I demonstrated my lack of love by not being willing to allow her that. I view that with a question that will follow me all of my days; Is that love? I think not.

 

She has her justification and I have a new life. Knowing that was and is her mindset gives me confidence that I made the right decision. Sometimes life is like that...but in the end, for me, it was the lesser of two evils.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Steadfast

[TigerCub]

I completely agree. Which is why I didn't stay. Oh I thought about it so that I could be there to tuck my kids in every night. And I know that if I stayed for them, that I would have ended up cussing her out silently on a regular basis in my head, but acting like everything was just ok on the outside.

 

I believe that you did the right thing nofool4u.

It seems like you were honest with yourself about how things will be and how you will react.

 

I'm sure that giving up putting your kids to bed full time was a great price to pay for you, but I'm sure its healthier for kids to not live in a tension filled house of make belief.

[SoMovinOn]

Your posts recently have been so judgemental and definitive on others as if you know what everyone else thinks and feels (i.e. they are just like you). What's up with that? Haven't you known people well who are really different than you?

 

I am offering my opinion.

[woinlove]

I am offering my opinion.

 

It's a bit odd to have an opinion on how an entire class of people feel, particularly when we have examples right here on LS who have written otherwise. I wonder if you are projecting your own feelings onto others? Could it be that you are lying to yourself and settling in your hidden affair with a MW? Maybe you are projecting your own feelings onto others? Seren, Owl and others seem happy with their choice and in love with their spouses. I wouldn't have picked them out, even just among LS posters, as people who are lying to themselves.

[SoMovinOn]

It's a bit odd to have an opinion on how an entire class of people feel, particularly when we have examples right here on LS who have written otherwise. I wonder if you are projecting your own feelings onto others? Could it be that you are lying to yourself and settling in your hidden affair with a MW? Maybe you are projecting your own feelings onto others? Seren, Owl and others seem happy with their choice and in love with their spouses. I wouldn't have picked them out, even just among LS posters, as people who are lying to themselves.

 

So... you are saying you disagree with my opinion?

[woinlove]

So... you are saying you disagree with my opinion?

 

If you want to put it that way -- I "disagree with" your "opinion" that Seren, Owl and others do not really feel as they have often articulated in a fair amount of detail and are lying to themselves. It seems more likely to me that you are lying to yourself. JMO.

[beenburned]

frozensprouts,

Your post is right on! Everybody is capable of change if they desire it.

 

Usually with age comes maturity and wisdom.

 

SMO,

There are 3 things that have to change in order to have a successful reconciliation. First: the WS, Second: the marriage, Third: the BS

 

Sometimes therapy is required to guide the couple, both as partners and individually. Not all make it in the long run even with counseling.

 

They say 2 to 5 years to recover is the norm.

 

You mentioned not ever forgetting what the WS is capable of, I think this is a good thing. Trust but verify.

[SoMovinOn]

If you want to put it that way -- I "disagree with" your "opinion" that Seren, Owl and others do not really feel as they have often articulated in a fair amount of detail and are lying to themselves. It seems more likely to me that you are lying to yourself. JMO.

 

Not sure what you think I'm lying to myself about. I know people IRL, outstide of LS, I've read forums other than LS. I base my opinions, as you and everyone else does, on the totality of my knowledge and experiences.

 

I understand your knowledge and experiences are different. I am fine with you disagreeing with my opinions.

[SoMovinOn]

LOL! The betrayed that reconcile are settling, but OW/OM who stay in A's for years and years and years are somehow getting the best of the WS.

 

I don't grasp how you feel the two are related.

 

Someone who stays with someone who has deliberately stabbed them in the back, whether the betrayal of trust is in a M or any other R, is just asking to be stabbed in the back again. It seems most people feel that way in any other R, but somehow, when it comes to M, they believe it will work out OK.