Staying married to a cheater

[donnamaybe]

Exactly my point. Lying and betrayal are lying an betrayal. The fact that so many people get hung up on what would seem the less important part (i.e., what the lying and betrayal is about), is mind boggling.

The fact that everyone else can see the difference where you cannot is mind boggling actually.

[SoMovinOn]

The fact that everyone else can see the difference where you cannot is mind boggling actually.

 

LOL! Yeah.

[donnamaybe]

LOL! Yeah.

 

"Exactly my point."

[donnamaybe]

Exactly! That's how I also feel about it.

 

See? One who agrees with my point.

[donnamaybe]

DM,

That's for sure!

 

And another one...

[donnamaybe]

cheating on your spouse seems very different than a drug addiction, losing one's job, etc., as none of these are a direct "attack" on their marriage...cheating can certainly be viewed in that light.

 

 

...and another, and these are gleaned only from this page of the thread.

Edited January 18, 2012 by donnamaybe

[SoMovinOn]

...and another, and these are gleaned only from this page of the thread.

 

Yes Donna, there are some who agree, some who disagree. There are some who understand my point, some who don't. That's how life is. I'm OK with it. It's not a competition. I'm just sharing my thoughts and opinions.

[donnamaybe]

Yes Donna, there are some who agree, some who disagree. There are some who understand my point, some who don't. That's how life is. I'm OK with it. It's not a competition. I'm just sharing my thoughts and opinions.

Oh, I fully understand your point, including why you are trying to make it.

[SoMovinOn]

Oh, I fully understand your point, including why you are trying to make it.

 

I am certain you don't.

[donnamaybe]

I am certain you don't.

Feel free to think so.

[Steadfast]

One of the things that'll always stay with me regarding my marriage is: what could have been. We had such a good life...not perfect, but a real, lasting family and relationship. She never allowed me the chance to work on my feelings and issues, leaving me to wonder if she cheated because she didn't love me anymore, or is she was trying to fill a need that had nothing to do with me...something only she could fix. Now, four years later, I'm no closer to knowing where she is then I was then.

 

I can say that she always held 'the axe' above my head. She was (is?) a very selfish person who wanted more. I sometimes wonder if her cheating was a reaction to feeling that she was somehow cheated. Her inability/no desire to communicate left me in limbo. At some point, I just decided to take her actions at face value, and move on. It isn't fair, but her actions (she seems very sad, lost and extremely regretful) now are, in my opinion, nothing more than a emotional trap.

 

My favorite example is book author Michelle Langley. Her path to discovery after cheating shows how powerful one's message can be post-affair. The key, I think, is her realization of what we're capable of, then implementing healthy choices to keep on track. The difference is she realized that she did love her husband and wanted to be married to him. She is awesome. She is a cheater!

 

With my ex would have had half her balls. Then again, Langley discovered she really did love her husband. I don't think my ex does.

[Steen719]

leaving me to wonder if she cheated because she didn't love me anymore, or is she was trying to fill a need that had nothing to do with me...something only she could fix. Now, four years later, I'm no closer to knowing where she is then I was then.

 

Please tell me that it is alright that you don't know. I am just beginning this (in a way)..we are divorced, living together until I move out on February 4th and I have the same question in my mind. I don't know that I will ever understand why my XH has done what he has done, but rather than understand, I want with all I am not to care why he did it. I want these feelings of betrayal, anger and anguish to leave me be...I feel like yesterday's trash, just not good enough. I just want to get to a point where I do not care anymore.

[Steadfast]

Please tell me that it is alright that you don't know.

 

Well, it has to be, doesn't it? Somewhere, in the back of my mind I wonder if she thinks "Duh? What do I have to do, hit you over the head with a shovel?"

 

No matter. Bottom line, with no communication it's nothing more than a sick game. The pieces of what was left over were mine to put together. In many ways, it is a good thing but it's always what we make it, you know?

 

I just want to get to a point where I do not care anymore.

 

Dream on steen! Besides, you don't want to become unfeeling. In time, you'll realize you were played...like a pawn. But in the end, they lose.

[SoMovinOn]

Please tell me that it is alright that you don't know. I am just beginning this (in a way)..we are divorced, living together until I move out on February 4th and I have the same question in my mind. I don't know that I will ever understand why my XH has done what he has done, but rather than understand, I want with all I am not to care why he did it. I want these feelings of betrayal, anger and anguish to leave me be...I feel like yesterday's trash, just not good enough. I just want to get to a point where I do not care anymore.

 

Please don't measure yourself based on someone else's choices and actions. What your XH did is completely a reflection on him, not you. Even if he had legitimate issues with you, he could have addressed them with you. You don't want to be "good enough" for him ... be good enough for someone better.

[Michael30]

Please don't measure yourself based on someone else's choices and actions. What your XH did is completely a reflection on him, not you. Even if he had legitimate issues with you, he could have addressed them with you. You don't want to be "good enough" for him ... be good enough for someone better.

 

Great message.

[Steadfast]

Please don't measure yourself based on someone else's choices and actions. What your XH did is completely a reflection on him, not you. Even if he had legitimate issues with you, he could have addressed them with you. You don't want to be "good enough" for him ... be good enough for someone better.

 

Oh dear, our friend steen is clearly hurting and I missed it. Thankfully, SoMovinOn didn't. Well said and best of all, true.

 

Steen, a lot of time has passed in my case and I sometimes forget some pretty obvious details. After saying she needed 'space' and moved out, some weeks of not seeing or talking to my ex had passed when i dropped by her place unannounced.

 

I suppose the time apart had cleared the air because I was able to just lay it out. "So, you're not attracted to me anymore. Is that accurate?" Her answer ("Yes") either confirmed my suspicion, or sounded good enough right then to end the conversation and send me away. Taking that in then and looking back on it now, it's clear she wasn't comfortable throwing an entire lifetime for something as frivolous as sex. But obviously, it wasn't so frivolous. Making things harder was her continually saying that she loved and missed me, but I suspect most of that was missing the security I provided.

 

I suspect many cheating spouses go dark because they're ashamed, and fear that what they've done and the decisions they've made have damaged the relationship past the point of repair. Few people enjoy having enemies, especially one that knows you so well. Add in denial of the earned reputation and kick-in the necessary self-protection needed to deal with the guilt, and it's no wonder why so many marriages end without the benefit of an explanation.

 

In the end, we loved them enough to marry them. Can we be surprised when pain and confusion follows when something beautiful ends in such an ugly fashion? Always remember that imperfections and faults (as in, ours) don't end marriages, decisions do. One spouse makes a decision and the other is forced to deal with the consequences. That's what you're doing now. Pain and disappointment is part of everyday life. Better than becoming an emotional void is learning how to deal with it.

[Steen719]

Please don't measure yourself based on someone else's choices and actions. What your XH did is completely a reflection on him, not you. Even if he had legitimate issues with you, he could have addressed them with you. You don't want to be "good enough" for him ... be good enough for someone better.

 

Oh...intellectually, I know this. It is a reflection on him and his character, but emotionally, it left me feeling like I wasn't good enough. But I do like your point about being good enough for someone better.

 

Steadfast, I just want to not care about him and why he did what he did, not everyone. I don't want to stop caring about everyone; I just don't want his decisions about me to matter anymore. I don't know; maybe I am not explaining myself well. It has been a tough couple of days. Going through family photos to split up was tough..very tough.

[Steen719]

Oh dear, our friend steen is clearly hurting and I missed it. Thankfully, SoMovinOn didn't. Well said and best of all, true.

 

Steen, a lot of time has passed in my case and I sometimes forget some pretty obvious details. After saying she needed 'space' and moved out, some weeks of not seeing or talking to my ex had passed when i dropped by her place unannounced.

 

I suppose the time apart had cleared the air because I was able to just lay it out. "So, you're not attracted to me anymore. Is that accurate?" Her answer ("Yes") either confirmed my suspicion, or sounded good enough right then to end the conversation and send me away. Taking that in then and looking back on it now, it's clear she wasn't comfortable throwing an entire lifetime for something as frivolous as sex. But obviously, it wasn't so frivolous. Making things harder was her continually saying that she loved and missed me, but I suspect most of that was missing the security I provided.

 

I suspect many cheating spouses go dark because they're ashamed, and fear that what they've done and the decisions they've made have damaged the relationship past the point of repair. Few people enjoy having enemies, especially one that knows you so well. Add in denial of the earned reputation and kick-in the necessary self-protection needed to deal with the guilt, and it's no wonder why so many marriages end without the benefit of an explanation.

 

In the end, we loved them enough to marry them. Can we be surprised when pain and confusion follows when something beautiful ends in such an ugly fashion? Always remember that imperfections and faults (as in, ours) don't end marriages, decisions do. One spouse makes a decision and the other is forced to deal with the consequences. That's what you're doing now. Pain and disappointment is part of everyday life. Better than becoming an emotional void is learning how to deal with it.

 

I was posting while you were, Steadfast. My emotions are raw right now. After the last 2 1/2 years, taking care of him through his illness, losing my brother, X's infidelity and lies and my life changing so drastically right now, I find myself wishing for some numbness. XH tells me he loves me, regrets what he did, blames me for divorcing him and then goes to talk on the phone to a gf (? one of them, maybe) in his bedroom. Looking through family photos left me so upset...I mean, who willingly gives up a family who has loved you though thick and thin? He changed his life and my son and I seem like collateral damage. He has other women to help him through; I am trying to just make it through my days. I know I have to go through it to get to the other side; just sometimes I wish for the pain to be his, not mine.

 

Anyway, that's it. I just wanted to explain what I meant.

[SoMovinOn]

Oh...intellectually, I know this. It is a reflection on him and his character, but emotionally, it left me feeling like I wasn't good enough. But I do like your point about being good enough for someone better.

 

I know good advice is much easier to give than to live... but, when you're down, it's good to hear it, good to be reminded of it.

 

Hang in there... it will get better. You'll get better.

[Steadfast]

He changed his life and my son and I seem like collateral damage. He has other women to help him through; I am trying to just make it through my days. I know I have to go through it to get to the other side; just sometimes I wish for the pain to be his, not mine.

 

But this is your pain. There is no hiding from it, no wishing it away. I can say that it is temporary. His isn't. You don't want what he will have to deal with. His pain will stay until he stops sacrificing other people's feeling for his own gain. The double-edged sword in this is, even if he's able to realize what's he's really done, he'll then have to deal with the guilt. Nobody likes or respects a cheater; even (or especially) other cheaters.

 

Part of your healing is acceptance. You may never understand why he's done such a terrible thing (or why he would do it to you) but you can understand that he did. All you -all any of us- have, is today and forward. We all self-doubt and second guess, that's a normal reaction to betrayal.

 

In time the logic you know will stop being words and become reality. If you really loved him, a part of you always will...a small part that remembers how things were when you both seemed happy. Take confidence and comfort in knowing your feelings were genuine. Truly, he lost, because some men are never loved. Those who have it are fools for throwing it away.

 

He's a fool. You're better off being with someone who isn't.

[Steen719]

But this is your pain. There is no hiding from it, no wishing it away. Yes, I am finding that to be true. I am just going to have to go through it.

 

In time the logic you know will stop being words and become reality. If you really loved him, a part of you always will...a small part that remembers how things were when you both seemed happy. Take confidence and comfort in knowing your feelings were genuine. Truly, he lost, because some men are never loved. Those who have it are fools for throwing it away.

I have told him this very thing. I am not going to try to rewrite our history. I loved him, stayed by him and he may not find that kind of love again. While not perfect by a long shot, I am nothing if not loyal.

 

He's a fool. You're better off being with someone who isn't.

 

Thank you Steadfast and SoMovinOn. I appreciate you taking the time to answer and help.

[pureinheart]

Actually

Thought this was the OW/OM forum:)

 

QUOTE=Kitsune77;3798021]FS, emotions aren't neat or tidy. If that was the case, there would be no infedidelty or affairs. Also emotions aren't" fair"

Rick knows this is not particularly fair to his wife. And obviously this grieves him.You can't be there for someone else whilst grieving the love you felt for the other....it's a painful truth for everyone.

But this is the OW/OM forum, and to maybe put some reality in what is going on here. Maybe we should stop concentrating on the BS. Leave that to infidelity forum, and just help the person posting deal with their own demons?

Or is that too much commonsense for what this forum has become.

Or we could call this forum" condemnation and abuse for those who find themselves in an affair"?

The bs is represented very well in infidelity and there are bS here who I admire and learn from very much... But please, why can't we do on this forum what it says?????? I do not post here much, as I am tired of wading through 90 percent of bitter ,evangelical bs, row, rom, call them whatever you want, there is not much help to be gained. And I am not the only one who feels this way, it's like a weird exclusive club.

 

May actually start a thread on that, if I'm not moderated again by the people who run this, and only want " ratings"

 

Wow, this is really good!

[drifter777]

I think people who "reconcile" settle. I think they lie to themselves. The cheating spouse can do whatever, things can seem to go fine for years or maybe decades, but the minute she's not where she's supposed to be, or you see something even remotely suspicious - you remember why you feel that way, because you *know* what she's capable of.

 

This is certainly true for me. I "settled" because I convinced myself that staying in the marriage would cause me less pain than divorcing her and starting over. Now, many years later, there are still moments when I want to scream "SLUT" at her and walk away forever. But I'm still afraid that leaving would cause me more pain than staying so I'm screwed no matter what I do. The time for me to end the marriage was d-day, and I was too weak to do it.

 

Maybe it's only healthy, well-adjusted people who can properly judge whether they will suffer more pain living with or walking from a cheater. It certainly takes more self-esteem and courage than I could muster. I just wanted the pain to stop and took what I thought was the easiest path to relief, and made the biggest mistake of my life in the process.

[beenburned]

drifter & SMO,

 

In both of your posts , if the WS has done all the hard work of changing themselves, then the problem is the BW/BH has not addressed the issues within themselves.(in handling the aftermath of infidelity)

 

When infidelity touches marriages, 3 things have to change in order for it to be a successful reconciliation, the WS, the BS, and the marriage.

 

Marriage counseling and individual counseling is advised.

 

NO BS's settle when taking back a cheating spouse, as long as they are remorseful, understand the wrong doing of their actions, and are capable of changing for the long run.

[Steadfast]

I don't understand why people have such a hard time accepting that successful reconciliation can happen. The only catch is that it's really rare.

 

In explaining the reasons why, I've been described as a 'bitter' ex by some, praised for insight by others. After living it, I do have some idea of what it would take, but no experience actually living it. As I've posted before, I wanted to try, but for reasons only my ex can describe, she didn't. I think. Maybe she just wanted things to happen according to her timetable. Bottom line? It takes two to be married...and two to reconcile.

 

For me personally, I do have serious questions regarding my long-term happiness if we had. These doubts mostly come from her reluctance to change. I've visited with her just recently and those feelings were reinforced. Same old same old. For me, that's not good enough.

 

New thought; I'm thinking it takes like...double the love, care and concern to heal a relationship from infidelity than to stay the original course and keep the promises/commitments you've made. That's a tall order for someone who was so unhappy, selfish or self-centered to sleep with someone else to begin with. Like I said...it's possible, but rare.