Staying married to a cheater

[beenburned]

steadfast,

I think I read that only 30% of the marriages that are touched by infidelity survive in the long run.(I think they used the 5 year mark)

 

You are right in your assumption that it takes both people to make that happen. And yes, most WS's are selfish and self serving.

[Spark1111]

I don't understand why people have such a hard time accepting that successful reconciliation can happen. The only catch is that it's really rare.

 

In explaining the reasons why, I've been described as a 'bitter' ex by some, praised for insight by others. After living it, I do have some idea of what it would take, but no experience actually living it. As I've posted before, I wanted to try, but for reasons only my ex can describe, she didn't. I think. Maybe she just wanted things to happen according to her timetable. Bottom line? It takes two to be married...and two to reconcile.

 

For me personally, I do have serious questions regarding my long-term happiness if we had. These doubts mostly come from her reluctance to change. I've visited with her just recently and those feelings were reinforced. Same old same old. For me, that's not good enough.

 

New thought; I'm thinking it takes like...double the love, care and concern to heal a relationship from infidelity than to stay the original course and keep the promises/commitments you've made. That's a tall order for someone who was so unhappy, selfish or self-centered to sleep with someone else to begin with. Like I said...it's possible, but rare.

 

I have read that of all marriages touched by infidelity, 95% of all woman and 87% of all men will attempt reconciliation initially.

 

At the five year mark, IF there has been trickle truthing, a lack of remorse, a lack of transparency, etc....only half will still be married.

 

If there has been total transparency, no trickle truthing, IC, MC and complete remorse, 87% are still intact.

 

It is not the affair; it is what happens in its aftermath that predicts success.

 

And they takes two very committed people.

[Lauriebell82]

I have never been cheated on to my knowledge, however I did catch my ex boyfriend chatting with girls on a website and saying that he was single. Unfortunately I didn't break up with him at that very moment, but it did cause a huge wedge between us and it just went downhill from there until I finally got the strength to leave.

 

Part of why I didn't was because of where I was at that time, I was very young, overweight, not out of undergrad yet, very low self esteem, didn't think that I would ever find another boyfriend. I was extemely immature. That was 7 years ago. If anything like that were to happen with my husband right now I would gone right away.

 

So I guess I could see why BS would chose to stay with a cheater and try to work things out..maybe where THEY are at that point in time. Could it be possible for for them to work it out? Sure. But it's been my experience that betrayal does a lot of damage, and I would be very shocked if a BS were to get go of ALL OF IT.

[frozensprouts]

please define "successful reconciliation"...

 

maybe that's asking the impossible, as it would mean different things to different people...

 

i would consider my marriage successfully reconciled....but maybe some others wouldn't...i don't see it through rose colored glasses anymore

 

I don't blindly trust him anymore. While I don't expect him to cheat again, if I saw what i would now know are "signs" that he my be cheating, I would be concerned and i would talk to him about it

 

I don't just think that love is enough anymore...a marriage takes work and it's not for the timid...also, love is not all rainbows and sunshine...sometimes it hurts or is boring or sad...but you can get past that, if you want to, and it can be sunshine and rainbows again

 

Marriage isn't always fun and excitement. often, it's just doing the ordinary day to day things in life, but you are doing them together, and that's really nice

 

I trust myself first and foremost, and him after that...but that's not a bad thing

[beenburned]

FS,

Excellent thoughts on this subject!!

 

My FWS even pointed out that if I divorced him, there were no guaranties that a new H wouldn't also cheat on me. He said the odds were better with him because he was totally remorseful, and had learned and grown from all his past mistakes.

 

As for defining a successful reconciliation: I like your definition. No body needs to have blind trust in any relationship. But as BW's we did mainly due to being young, naive, trusting, and totally inexperienced about infidelity.

[frozensprouts]

My FWS even pointed out that if I divorced him, there were no guaranties that a new H wouldn't also cheat on me. He said the odds were better with him because he was totally remorseful, and had learned and grown from all his past mistakes.

This makes a lot of sense...in many ways, I'd be much more apt to trust someone who had learned how not to make a particular mistake, as well as the work required to keep a relationship running.

As for defining a successful reconciliation: I like your definition. No body needs to have blind trust in any relationship. But as BW's we did mainly due to being young, naive, trusting, and totally inexperienced about infidelity.

I had been in many "dating" relationships where my boyfriend cheated on me. I was very angry and hurt when i found out, but , after time passed I realized that these relationships were not permanent or exclusive to my boyfriend, even though , to me, they were. to me, marriage was different, an I assumed that because our marriage vows included fidelity that cheating would never happen. I'd had no 'life experience" with cheating in a marriage, and didn't really realize how it could happen.

 

 

 

please find responses in bold

 

no one really knows how they will react if they find out their spouses has had an affair. Some say that would be a deal breaker, and some say they would be able to work through it. But each person will respond differently, based upon their own situation, and there really is no right or wrong thing to do. In the end, one has to do what is "right" for them...it sounds like you did just that.

Whether you choose to stay or go, you will be faced with some choices that are difficult or painful to make, and neither path is an easy one.

[seren]

I agree with those that say that for succesful reconciliation both the BS and WS have to change, IMO, anyone who says that things haven't changed aren't looking too deep at the relationship after D Day. I don't think that initially the BS automatically thinks they have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and no BS should ever think that an A was their fault. Marriage problems, yes, own it, the A, no, there are better ways to deal with problems than cheating, talking, listening and either trying to fix it or get out are the one's that spring to mind.

 

 

I wonder if it is easier (?) to reconcile if there was no love or talk of love shared between the WS and AP, personally, I would have left had this been a factor in the A. I know all the discussion around fog and how many WS are said to be in fog when they profess love, but for me, it would be the dealbreaker.

 

If anyone else had cheated on me I don't think I would stick around, in fact I know I wouldn't. Staying had nothing to do with low self esteem, money, children or anything other than I love H and when he explained I understood the why. The decision to reconcile was based on a number of things that had to happen, the first, of course being that the A was over, which it was, total truth, no matter what and answers to my questions - for me, I needed to lay it all out and understand the nature of it to make an informed choice. I also needed to move, my job, gossips, the having to bump into the OW and her actions meant that for me, it made sense to up sticks and move to where H worked.

 

H was prepared almost welcomed taking all the blame for our pre A difficulties, this had to change and he had to recognise that our marriage needed to change. I had always been the doo'er, the taking care of person, mainly as H had such a stressful job, but in doing that I lost myself. I learned that I didn't have to do it all and that my taking charge had, in some ways, made H feel he was on the sidelines, my work commitment changed, and most importantly we resurrected our weekly date nights. A small thing was to move the sofa so we sat together each night.

 

The journey of reconciliation was hard the first 2 years, I didn't and don't regret staying, our marriage is very, very different, more like the early days, we have always been best pals, we are lovers once again. Had H stayed the same as he was when he was a 'cheater' it wouldn't have worked.

 

I don't think anyone stays married to a cheater, I don't think labels hanging around someone's neck are particularly helpful, no matter who they are. The A does not define my marriage nor who my H is, I am not a victim, nor a BS, but we both are people who know what we have and we work to make sure we don't go back to what we had allowed us to become.

 

Saying this, I also understand that for some people reconciliation wasn't wanted, or possible. That doesn't mean that it cannot work nor that those who have chosen that path are needy, victims or lacking in self esteem. It just means that it is what works for them.

[Steadfast]

please define "successful reconciliation"

 

IMO, to be successfully reconciled with your spouse would be to have a marriage that was stronger than it was before. The old saying "What doesn't kill" comes to mind, leaving couples with a deeper understanding of not just their spouse, but themselves. Life is always what you make it. Isn't it easier to honor decisions if they're backed by strong conviction? Love is strength, but it isn't strong until you make the decision that it must be. For the betrayed, this is a haunting fact.

 

I think everyone can relate to the thrill and overwhelming joy of having the one you truly love commit to you. In choosing each other, you form a strong bond that lays a foundation for your family, middle age and elderly years. It may sound quaint, but recovering and reconnecting from infidelity could end up feeling much like the commitment made after dating. If I were a cheater fortunate enough to be accepted back by a faithful wife, I could envision myself saying, "I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. I appreciate and cherish you more than ever. I want only you. Time will be my witness." Then, I'd have the love and insight to allow her what she needs to see that my words were not hollow.

 

If only. Unfortunately, pride and selfishness are not easy to overcome.

Edited January 30, 2012 by Steadfast

[frozensprouts]

interestingly enough, there have been a couple of events that have recently happened that have helped my husband see what infidelity can do to a betrayed spouse.

One is that one of his friends has found out that his spouse was cheating, and he is leaning on my husband for support. My husband was coming home very upset afer talking to his friend, and would tell me about what his spouse had done. I'd listen and offer advice, etc. One day, my spouse told me what the latest events were ( his friend had asked him to get my input) and then he got very quiet and thoughtful. I asked him what was wrong, and he asked me if he had been the same way when he was cheating...I told him that he had, and had even used some of the same "lines"...

 

anothewas checking my email for me, and looking for an old email with an address i needed. he came across an email that I'd saved from the midst of their affair.( he'd forwarded a bunch to me when their affair ended, so that I could see what had been going on...not sure why i wanted to see them, but I did). The email was a copy of a facebook message between the two of them. he got very sad after he read it...

 

when we talked about it, he told me that he was surprised, given what he'd put me through, that we were able to stay together and that i was able to stay with him...

 

I told him that I had stayed with him because I loved him and also because he had been willing to work really hard to figure out why he made the choices he did, and that we were both willing to do what it took to learn to not make the same mistakes again...

 

I don't blame myself for his choice to have an affair, he make that choice all on his own, but I do take my share of the responsibility for the state of our marriage at the time...he had issues in his life that had little or nothing to do with me that were affecting him, we had issues that we affected both of us that were not "marriage related", and we had both gotten "lazy" about our marriage and just figured love would be enough to keep it going...

 

it wasn't

[drifter777]

If only. Unfortunately, pride and selfishness are not easy to overcome.

 

I'm not understanding you here. What do you consider pride in this situation? Where does "selfish" come from? Are you referring to the BS or WS? In the wake of d-day a BS may be so angry and hurt that they need some time alone to take care of themselves and their shattered emotions. I wouldn't consider this selfish, would you?

 

Maybe I'm missing your point here and if I am, please straighten me out.

[Steadfast]

I'm not understanding you here. What do you consider pride in this situation? Where does "selfish" come from? Are you referring to the BS or WS? In the wake of d-day a BS may be so angry and hurt that they need some time alone to take care of themselves and their shattered emotions. I wouldn't consider this selfish, would you?

 

Maybe I'm missing your point here and if I am, please straighten me out.

 

I'm referring to the 'reformed' betrayer who can't understand why a cheated-on spouse can't 'get over it'. Isn't that why most recons fail? When the same pride and selfishness that probably contributed to cheating in the first place remain to ruin any chances of repairing the relationship?

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

[drifter777]

I'm referring to the 'reformed' betrayer who can't understand why a cheated-on spouse can't 'get over it'. Isn't that why most recons fail? When the same pride and selfishness that probably contributed to cheating in the first place remain to ruin any chances of repairing the relationship?

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

There are many, many reasons that reconciliations fail. I agree that when a WS grabs on to "the past is the past, you need to get over it" defense it makes any it nearly impossible.

[beenburned]

FS,

Some of my FWH's realizations came soon after d-day, when all of his co-workers/friends wives all divorced them.(they were also cheating)

 

They were all younger than us, and all had no children, which I think made their decisions easier. At the time of d-day our children were very young, and I was a SAHM until they started to school.

 

His most recent in depth realizations came when our STBXSIL was caught in a LTA with 2 different OW. His cheating was over half of their marriage. (With lots of marital money spent on the OW.)

 

It near killed FWH to see his only daughter crying and revealing all of the sorted details of her H's betrayals.

 

But lucky for her, both OW got mad when they found out about each other, and provided her with all kinds of documentation to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.

 

SIL is soon to be history, as there is no excuse for his long term horrible behavior.

[nofool4u]

I don't understand why people have such a hard time accepting that successful reconciliation can happen. The only catch is that it's really rare.

 

I agree. And the title may mislead people to misinterpret what I'm asking.

 

Again, just wondering out of all the people who have, how many look at their WS from time to time and have some really bad thoughts.

 

Here is a thought I'd have. Now I have never laid a hand on anyone, and never will unless its self-defense. But in the short time I tried to stay with my x-wife, I imagined slapping the ever lovin' p!iss out of her. No, would NEVER do it, but the thought was satisfying.

 

Or how many people look at their WS once in a blue moon and think, "as$hole!" "b!tch!" ?

[Spark1111]

I'm referring to the 'reformed' betrayer who can't understand why a cheated-on spouse can't 'get over it'. Isn't that why most recons fail? When the same pride and selfishness that probably contributed to cheating in the first place remain to ruin any chances of repairing the relationship?

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

 

Steadfast, more than anything else, EDUCATION helped me heal from my H's affair.

 

It is normal, albeit unwanted, to have the fWS heal much more quickly from their affair; the one that caused the BS untold pain they are still trying to recover from.

 

An affair is a perfect storm of hormones and emotions. When the fog lifts, the fever abates, the WS is the first to say, it is over, I was out of my mind, I'm back, so what is all the fuss about?

 

Like a drug addict, and the physiology is almost identical, they feel I'm clean and sober and have been for awhile so I don't understand your emotions: I'm not using anymore, haven't "used" in years and STILL you are upset with me.

 

If you do not understand this mindset of the fWS; if you are still trying to get them to explain by rational rules their betrayal, it is as if you are asking the former drug addict to explain why they hurt you the way they did when they were using; the lies, the betrayal.

 

They don't understand, don't remember, cannot really explain to you why they "used."

 

They don't get it, especially if you are trying to hold them to rational reasoning. They cry, beg, and want to reconcile. They cannot adequately explain why they did what they did.....just like a drug addict.

[Steadfast]

They don't understand, don't remember, cannot really explain to you why they "used."

 

They don't get it, especially if you are trying to hold them to rational reasoning. They cry, beg, and want to reconcile. They cannot adequately explain why they did what they did.....just like a drug addict.

 

I do appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences Spark.

 

I'm trying to hear and understand but I must admit to some confusion because my ex for so long exhibited massive amounts of guilt and second guessing. The thing is, she never directly approached me in any real 'up front' way. She did ask to spend time with me (movies, dinner) and now tends to act and talk in nostalgic terms; bringing up old stories (and laughing through telling them) using pet names and seemingly trying to make some sort of connection. I expected a direct (sexual) proposition. But I'm a guy. That's what I know, even though I'm generally thoughtful.

 

I've been seeing someone for over two-years. She generally keeps her distance, but not completely...

 

I didn't respond to her vague suggestions. I didn't want to deal with rejection.

 

My daughter has hinted she regrets all of it, and is often lonely.

 

The same daughter also reports her legion of male followers.

 

I'm still inclined to view cheating is a decision, not a 'condition'. But your point adds to my knowledge.

 

A thought just occurred to me: perhaps the low rate of 'successful reconciliations' have as much, or more to do with the betrayed as those who did the betraying? I loved her, but I probably fall in that class now. I won't go through what I did ever again. Ever.

 

Thanks for hearing me out. It's too late for my marriage, but the information and insight will be helpful for listening and helping.

[SoMovinOn]

Or how many people look at their WS once in a blue moon and think, "as$hole!" "b!tch!" ?

 

Raising my hand.

 

Not anymore, but, there were times.

[beenburned]

This usually occurs during the first year of trying to reconcile. Then later usually only pops up during a trigger. It eventually fades out when the FWS has proven themselves capable of change.

[confusedinkansas]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

There are many, many reasons that reconciliations fail. I agree that when a WS grabs on to "the past is the past, you need to get over it" defense it makes any it nearly impossible.

 

As the proverbial BS - That's my husband's attitude.

[drifter777]

As the proverbial BS - That's my husband's attitude.

 

Now I'm confused - what do you mean by this?

[confusedinkansas]

Now I'm confused - what do you mean by this?

 

I mean - He was the "BS" - I was the WS. I didn't tell him he needed to get over it. He already had. (quickly)

He was the one that kept reminding me since I had a harder time with everything than he did.

After it was all said & done he just said - The past is in the past. No need to dwell on it. Let's just move on. - Which we've done.

[nofool4u]

I'm referring to the 'reformed' betrayer who can't understand why a cheated-on spouse can't 'get over it'. Isn't that why most recons fail? When the same pride and selfishness that probably contributed to cheating in the first place remain to ruin any chances of repairing the relationship?

 

Bullsh*t

 

First of all, saying that is blaming the BS.

 

Second, its about emotional abuse IMO. Cheating can be very devastating to most. The reason a WS can't understand why some BS can't "get over it" is because they were the ones emotionally abused.

 

I'm sure alot of WS want their spouse to easily "get over it", but they have no right to demand it. I'll agree that if one decides to stay in a marriage, they need to come to terms with everything at some point. But doesn't mean that triggers won't bring up a little animosity here and there. Its what the WS sentenced their BS to in some cases.

[drifter777]

I mean - He was the "BS" - I was the WS. I didn't tell him he needed to get over it. He already had. (quickly)

He was the one that kept reminding me since I had a harder time with everything than he did.

After it was all said & done he just said - The past is in the past. No need to dwell on it. Let's just move on. - Which we've done.

 

Your situation is simply not representative of the vast majority of cases of infidelity. As I've said before, your husband is a saint and you should not compare us mortal BS's to him.

[Steadfast]

Bullsh*t

 

First of all, saying that is blaming the BS...

 

Guess my clarification failed. Something I need to work on, apparently.

[SoMovinOn]

Your situation is simply not representative of the vast majority of cases of infidelity. As I've said before, your husband is a saint and you should not compare us mortal BS's to him.

 

There are at least two of us. I got past my W's A's in a very short time. I don't believe in hanging on to things. Deal with it, get past it, move on.

 

It's not really a new concept... the saying "Don't cry over spilled milk" has been around for a very long time. Many people simply prolong their own pain and suffering by holding on to things for far too long, to no benefit.